i need HELP -- x-post in toddlers

[Momma Aimee]

My son is 21 months old. He is a very secure and very happy child. He generally requires nothing more than redirection, and even is starting to grasp limits "if this, then this" (if you want to play in the yard, we much put on our shoes).

In general we have very few issues, and respect his age.

I need HELP breaking a bad bad bad bad habit that is 100% my fault.

my HAIR is his security blanket...... he hass to hold it, pull on it, pull at it ALL THE TIME.

if he is sitting in my lap now -- just watching me -- he is holding it, tearing at it ... i am not cure he is even aware of what he is doing - it is THAT entrenched in him.

if he is tried -- he will only accept me -- not fo the boob but for the hair

if he is trying to sleep -- he HAS to hold it -- his little hands search and search, him getting more and more and more adjatated till he finds it and you SEE peace fall on his face.

He holds it ALL NIGHT LONG -- spending hours, mostly alssep but a tiny bit awake, pulling at it.

all of this hurts

and i have a new baby due in Nov and I can not have Theo glued with in 8 inches om me all the time, tied to a short hair leash, when i try to take care of the baby. Espcailly worried about at night -- he hold is all the time, how can i evenmove to BF the new one?

since before i got pregant we have been trying to introduce loveis (a blanket, a dog) and whiel DS will play with them... he will NOT accept them when the least bit tired, upset, fustrrdated, or in seach of momma. I tired cuddleing them with us, and my hair, when nurseing or rocking, he THROWS the lovey. I have pined my hair up -- he pulls at it till he gets it down. Any refusal of my hair will result in total melt down. I have tird to take it away as soon as he is almsot asleep -- he wakes up FRANTIC.

literally anytime he is with me, on my lap, by me in bed, i am carrying him -- ghe HAS to be holding it it -- the obsession has grown from only sleep to ALL THE TIME.

I love him, i do not want to be mean, and i hate to have to "toy" with his security -- it obvsouly is deep into him -- you should see the frantic pacine when he can't find it or it is taken from him, and the peace when he grabs it.

however, it HURTS all the time, and he is really tearing up my hair -- and come on -- physically he can not hold my hair all day and all night when i have a nb to care for too : : not to forget he is getting MORE attached -- now all the time he is on my lap, not jsut when he is tried or trying to sleep -- i can't let this keep going.

you have no idea -- i have no way to convey -- how desperate and worried i am about this.

I want to be gentel with him -- but i don't see how -- ANY denial of it, any removal of it -- is total melt down and it doesn't stop. I have yet to ever get him to sleep without it -- ever -- even after hours of fighting and crying and so on ....

I feel doomed.

I even got hair extentions and put a braid on his dog : : : he won't take it at all. He rejesct sleeping on my mom, who has long hair, cuz it isn't right (I guess).........

is there any help?????????????????

i'd like to cause him as little emotional pain as possible, and myself as little emotional pain and as few sleepless nights as i can

Ayne thoughts?

Aimee

[mommy2abigail]

Would you be willing to cut your hair really short? J/K. I dont know what to tell you, since we are having the same issue with dd. She digs and pinches my skin on my neck. She doesn't understand that it hurts, I know it's just a comfort thing with her. Hopefully someone will have some advice for us!

[LilyGrace]

What about a cornsilk Cabbage Patch kid? (do they still make those?) Wash its hair with your shampoo so it has your scent. After he falls asleep, try substituting the doll for you, and if he accepts it then you can start trading off earlier and earlier - when he's barely asleep, drowsy, have it with you when you lay down..

[hippiemum21580]

nak
they do make dolls with longish hair that feels like real hair. i am almost sure i saw an ad in a copy of mothering awhile back....maybe someone else knows. it was one of those things i noticed as i was sitting for a baby who was the same way but then the family moved and i forgot all about it till now.

[kbchavez]

Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice... but I certainly can sympathize! My DS is REALLY into my bellybutton. I joke that it's his transitional object, but that he didn't get very far (from the boob to the bellybutton)! I thought bellybutton twiddling was WAY better than nipple twiddling when nursing (and I think I was right!) but belly buttons are quite sensitive, especially when I neglect to cut DS's nails. Maybe if you start with a limit, rather than just trying to take it away. I let DS touch with "soft fingers" but not pick with his nails, or I put my shirt down and deny access. The only other thing I can think of is cut off your hair and give him a braid of it to carry around. Oh, and maybe wrap something around your head to get the scent and then try to give it to him as a substitute. Good Luck!

[wonderwahine]

What about putting your hair in a braid and cutting it off for him to have..... it would be his own little lovey....or cutting your hair short.....

I have the same problem with 2 moles on my chest, ds twiddles them all the time. Hes slowly got more secure and redirection is starting to work.

[Curlita]

Aimee, I'm wondering about the haircut idea too... it sounds like he has really attached himself to the texture. Is your hair long enough that a good short cut would give him something portable to use as a soothie -- something that is not also connected to your head?

My son has a lovie -- his blanket, Babi. When he was 2 and a few months I remember him waking up with a stuffy nose and going to comfort him. I was wearing a sweater and a knit scarf, and he and Babi were on my lap. As he was falling asleep I watched him fondle first my scarf, then my sweater, and then he found Babi and I could see him just relax and fall into dreams. It was pretty amazing to see him, barely conscious but able to immediately evaluate and reject two knits that were not right. I can see why you would not want to take away something that provides him with that visceral level of comfort.

Dylan still has Babi, and if someone gets hurt or is crying, he brings Babi over and applies him. As far as he is concerned, Babi is magic.

[Momma Aimee]

Would you be willing to cut your hair really short? J/K. I dont know what to tell you, since we are having the same issue with dd. She digs and pinches my skin on my neck. She doesn't understand that it hurts, I know it's just a comfort thing with her. Hopefully someone will have some advice for us!

I had thought about cutting it -- but i have been growing it since 90 : : : : ----------- but when i pin it up -- he goes for the little hiars at the base of my neck, lack of the braid doeesn't "fix it" also -- now he -- has started grabing hand fulls of hair ANYWHERE on my skull if he can't reach around me to my braid in back

The main reason i don't cut it off is fear that it won't work then i will have a frantic, paniced 21 month old -- and i will be SOL. : : YK?

What about a cornsilk Cabbage Patch kid? (do they still make those?) Wash its hair with your shampoo so it has your scent. After he falls asleep, try substituting the doll for you, and if he accepts it then you can start trading off earlier and earlier - when he's barely asleep, drowsy, have it with you when you lay down..

I put a long braid of fake hair on his puppy -- dh thinks i am nuts -- i will try washing it with my shampoo to see if that helps.

As he was falling asleep I watched him fondle first my scarf, then my sweater, and then he found Babi and I could see him just relax and fall into dreams. It was pretty amazing to see him, barely conscious but able to immediately evaluate and reject two knits that were not right

he does this -- i put other things in his hands, and he eyes closed almost sleppe, will "sort them" till he finds the right thing and the peace you see settel over his face is amazing.

Aimee

[Curlita]

Originally Posted by Momma Aimee

The main reason i don't cut it off is fear that it won't work then i will have a frantic, paniced 21 month old -- and i will be SOL. : : YK?

How many inches of hair do you have to work with? Could you cut off a "test swatch"? Then if it works, take off the rest?

I feel for you, I really do.

[beanma]

i wouldn't cut it. have you ever seen those makeover shows where the mom comes back with a new look and the baby or toddler just cries and cries? i know my kids would freak if i drastically changed my look like that and my hair is not even their lovey.

what i would do is validate, "awwww...you really like to hold mama's hair don't you? does it help you feel safe and sound and cuddly and warm?" etc., etc. then i would state the problem, "i like it when you pat it for a little bit, but if my hair gets pulled it really starts to hurt. i need you to let go after a little bit. do you understand? i'll still be nearby, but i need you to let go." then offer a substitute, "would you like to hold puppy?"

really, i'd approach it the same way i would if somebody wanted to have my nipple in mouth all night long. that can hurt after a while, too.

you might try singing a "hair holding song". i used to do that when i was tandem nursing for older dd's nursing. i would sing the ABC song and when i was done singing it was time to let go. i think at that age a lot of times it's hard to grasp the idea of letting go "in a minute", but if you say, "when i finish this song" (and make sure it's a song with a definite end -- not old mcdonald) then the child can start to understand when the time is coming.

hth

[jenkuh]

I know EXACTLY how you feel...

Wow - I have a 21 month old and could write this post (minus the pregnant part - and congrats)! I actually had a post similar to this awhile ago and someone pointed out that I could set limits (i.e. gentle touch, that hurts, etc.) and I was like

My DD went though the all night craziness and it hurt so bad sometimes I felt like I could see red! Eventually that phase stopped with the all night hair pulling torture, but I am not sure what did it. It could be because that was the worst time she went through with teething. She still holds my hair at night but not rough. Now it is usually the worst when she's going to bed and she gets rough when she's getting close to sleeping and I just pull her hand away and make her "start over" and whisper "gentle." Sometimes I just grin and bear it, though.

The funny part is that everyone always says how cute it is, and it IS very sweet, but also very much of a love/hate thing!

I would definitely NOT cut your hair! I can tell you from experience that they don't forget and it just hurts more!!

Also, we have noticed that for DD, the texture is nice for her to hold but what she REALLY likes about it is that the hair is attached to mommy. We think that's the root of it all. Grandma's hair (the same color and texture), we've found, is not even something to be considered for DD. Only mommy's will do.

I hope things work out and I'll be thinking of you - the pain of the hair pulling is still very vivid and still happens from time to time!

**EDIT** I forgot to add that to get her to hold my hair less during the day I would using weaning techniques that one might use for weaning from nursing. I kept DD busy doing fun things like parks, etc, and kept her distracted with her favorite healthy snacks. I also kept my hair up except for naps/bedtime if I could help it so it wasn't in her face or anything while playing. HTH!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Well, I would cut it if it were me. I love short hair though. I've gone from long to short and mine don't even seem to notice.

[Momma Aimee]

My DD went though the all night craziness and it hurt so bad sometimes I felt like I could see red! Eventually that phase stopped with the all night hair pulling torture, but I am not sure what did it. It could be because that was the worst time she went through with teething. She

I had a shimmer of hope when i remembered that right before he night weaned he went through a phase of CONSTANT night nurseing -- like ever 30 minutes or less -- so i thought i was gonna go MAD then he just STOPPEd.....i had hoped the hair would be the same -- but it just seems to keep going up and up and up

i wouldn't cut it. have you ever seen those makeover shows where the mom comes back with a new look and the baby or toddler just cries and cries? i know my kids would freak if i drastically changed my look like that and my hair is not even their lovey.

Tottaly my fear -- as much as i need to break this habit. we DO have a baby coming in about 8 weeks..... i do not not not want to add trauma to a situation i have worked so hard to make easy and calm.

I have started some limits, but i do not feel gentle at all. We decied -- well momma decided but we talk about it as momma Theo and daddy -- that mommas hair is ONLY for sleeping time...going to and while asleep. and that we need to work togther to find a diffeent lovey. he nods like a big boy -- but i know he is clueless. Howeve yesterday and today i have started only letting him grab my hair when it is sleeping time. i am -- and i am not kidding -- constantly taking his hand away (5+ time while typeing this alone) ... i don't think he even notices. he sits on my lap -- faceing anyway -- and his arms just blindly reachs around my neck and grasps at air till he find hari.

what i would do is validate, "awwww...you really like to hold mama's hair don't you? does it help you feel safe and sound and cuddly and warm?" etc., etc. then i would state the problem, "i like it when you pat it for a little bit, but if my hair gets pulled it really starts to hurt. i need you to let go after a little bit. do you understand? i'll still be nearby, but i need you to let go." then offer a substitute, "would you like to hold puppy?"

I am working on this approach -- i had for as while on and off now i am trying to be more and more dillageant. but he jsut doesn't seem to 'get it" at all ...... how long till he starts to Understand?????

I am pinning it up during the day. and am considering adding a "cover" to tie it closer.....and honeslty if he started to hold the scarf, then i could transition him to THAT and be so happy : :

now to find him a good lovey............. i don't know what to try.

the fake hair braid of the puppy failed. like you said -- i think the biggest thing is it is part of momma. and thinking back i think this has gotten worse, though it has been "bad" for a while....since he weaned himself due to my loss of milk about about week 27 or 28.........

Aimee

[Mrs. B]

Originally Posted by kbchavez

Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice... but I certainly can sympathize! My DS is REALLY into my bellybutton. I joke that it's his transitional object, but that he didn't get very far (from the boob to the bellybutton)! I thought bellybutton twiddling was WAY better than nipple twiddling when nursing (and I think I was right!) but belly buttons are quite sensitive, especially when I neglect to cut DS's nails. Maybe if you start with a limit, rather than just trying to take it away. I let DS touch with "soft fingers" but not pick with his nails, or I put my shirt down and deny access. The only other thing I can think of is cut off your hair and give him a braid of it to carry around. Oh, and maybe wrap something around your head to get the scent and then try to give it to him as a substitute. Good Luck!

OMG, I though this was just us! DS1 is 3 1/2 yo and still does it, and now DS2 is starting. Hopefully they won't fight over it, or no one gets it!

[Momma Aimee]

OMG, I though this was just us! DS1 is 3 1/2 yo and still does it, and now DS2 is starting. Hopefully they won't fight over it, or no one gets it!

you are better momma that I -- baby 2 is not going to TOUCH my hair -- lovey from day ONE

Aimee

[kbchavez]

Originally Posted by Mrs. B

OMG, I though this was just us! DS1 is 3 1/2 yo and still does it, and now DS2 is starting. Hopefully they won't fight over it, or no one gets it!

My friends all thought it was so funny! He runs up to me at the park and lifts up my shirt, sticks his finger in for a few seconds and then runs off. It's like he's recharging his batteries. Even though he's night weaned, I STILL can't wear night gowns to bed so he can have bellybutton access! (Sorry OP, for going off-thread...)