or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Father's Rights in NH
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Father's Rights in NH - Page 2

post #21 of 51
, herbalmommy'

she has physical custody right now?

would she not do every other weekend?
post #22 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by herbalmommy View Post
As it currently stands, he and his ex have joint and shared custody of his daughter. Over the summer we have her week on/week off which is great. During school, though, the arrangement is every other weekend. My husband talked to his ex about getting more time with his daughter during the school year. She absolutely would not agree. She says that since their daughter is in school (she starts first grade this year) the weekends are the only time they get to do things as a family. Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by herbalmommy View Post
I guess what I'm having a hard time with is that BM won't compromise. I don't understand why we can't split up the two remaining weekends. One could be hers, one ours. At least she gets to see DSD everyday before and after school. Is she really okay with her daughter only seeing her daddy four days a month? There is so much to be said for a daughter's relationship with her father. I know that if it were ME in this situation, while I would hate for my baby to be so far away, I would do my best to keep a healthy relationship between my daughter and her dad. It doesn't seem like she is coming at from a "what's best for the child" perspective.
Laura
Quote:
Originally Posted by norajane View Post

would she not do every other weekend?
Mom has residential custody from what I've read. And they do have an EOWeekend arrangement during the school year and share week on/off in the summer. Laura (and presumably her husband) want to take at least one of mom's weekends "in the best interest of the child". Apparently it's OK for mom to only have one weekend to spend with her daughter but it's not OK for dad to have 2 weekends a month.

Since she has not addressed it, I presume that mom and dad split school holidays evenly. I think it's a fair arrangement "in the best interests of the child" personally.
post #23 of 51
Ah, I see. I posted earlier when I was a bit groggy due to an all-night nursing session.

Yeah, I think that's pretty unrealistic to expect the mom to be happy with having only one weekend a month with her kid.

I would say go to court, but I doubt that they would change the arrangement and it would probably be really more of a headache than it's worth.
post #24 of 51
Thread Starter 
Maybe I really am just not thinking about what's best for DSD. Maybe I am really mad that we were her primary residence for 11 months and then she just gets taken away. Maybe it is unreasonable for me to be really mad when she gets pawned off to a babysitter at every opportunity to party. I feel bad now that it makes me scared to see her go to her mom's to be with someone who may be abusive. I just do feel these things and I'm sorry about my one sided attitude. Thanks for all the help.

Laura
post #25 of 51
I would like to suggest that your dh get a right of first refusal added to the custody agreement.

Sorry for barging in again. Unsubbing.
post #26 of 51
Thread Starter 
Can someone clarify this right of first refusal? I understand the concept and I think I see how it applies to this situation but I'm just not sure. Would it mean that if BM was going out she would have to offer time with DSD to us before getting a babysitter?

Laura
post #27 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by herbalmommy View Post
Can someone clarify this right of first refusal? I understand the concept and I think I see how it applies to this situation but I'm just not sure. Would it mean that if BM was going out she would have to offer time with DSD to us before getting a babysitter?

Laura
I swear I'll unsub after this! I forgot to earlier!

I have not been through this yet since ds is so young, but from what I've read on the single parenting board, your dh would be the first option for a babysitter. That way he'd have the option of seeing her any time, and he can keep track of if bio mom is going out five nights a week without dd.
post #28 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
Apparently it's OK for mom to only have one weekend to spend with her daughter but it's not OK for dad to have 2 weekends a month.
Not to start a big debate or anything.. but when a loving father can only see their child four days a month, it is NOT in the best interest of the child, and a monther who has a child 26 days a month will never understand that pain of not having a basic right to tuck your baby in to bed 26 nights a month. It is naive to think that child doesn't miss their dad, and that they don't want to come over.

Also, if you reread the post, they are looking for some sort of compromise, and mom won't hear of it. I wonder if she would want to compromise if she was allowed to see her child only four days a month hmmmmm..... :

I'm not talking about dads who don't pay CS, I'm not talking about dads who don't show up for sports, I'm not talking about dads who don't change dipers, I'm talking about someone whose heart is ripped out because the courts side with moms, and neglet child's bond with their fathers. Big hugs to the OP. I know where you stand, and I know how it feels... The point is, if you love your child - you have to fight for it. It IS very tough in NH, but I guess nothing is impossible. Good luck to you *hugs*
post #29 of 51
Thread Starter 
Oriole, thank you. Thank you. I knew we couldn't be the only ones!

Laura
post #30 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Not to start a big debate or anything.. but when a loving father can only see their child four days a month, it is NOT in the best interest of the child, and a monther who has a child 26 days a month will never understand that pain of not having a basic right to tuck your baby in to bed 26 nights a month. It is naive to think that child doesn't miss their dad, and that they don't want to come over.

Also, if you reread the post, they are looking for some sort of compromise, and mom won't hear of it. I wonder if she would want to compromise if she was allowed to see her child only four days a month hmmmmm..... :

I'm not talking about dads who don't pay CS, I'm not talking about dads who don't show up for sports, I'm not talking about dads who don't change dipers, I'm talking about someone whose heart is ripped out because the courts side with moms, and neglet child's bond with their fathers. Big hugs to the OP. I know where you stand, and I know how it feels... The point is, if you love your child - you have to fight for it. It IS very tough in NH, but I guess nothing is impossible. Good luck to you *hugs*
I guess I'm not seeing the picture : The sm and dad live 2 hours away. I don't know who moved away from whom but if it were my child that I wasn't seeing save for 4 days a month, I would certainly be more than willing to: a) make the 4 hour round trip during the week to have "dates" with her and b) move closer to my child asap. If the parents lived in the same town or at least the same school district, a judge would be much more likely to grant 50/50 parenting time. Especially since that's what they have over the summer.

I really feel that all of us (as parents) sometimes forget that divorce (or breaking apart after having a child) sucks for all involved. Nothing is going to be fair but you have to do what you have to do to maintain your priorities and connections. My priorities are my kids. Period. I would do what I had to do to make their lives easier and to keep my heart from breaking over the inherent unfairness. If I did not have custody, I would certainly do the the things I suggested in the first paragraph.

I'm unsubbing from this. I seem to be getting agitated over the situation for some reason and Laura, you are very much entitled to your feelings. I don't want to be the cause of more. I am sorry this situation is causing you pain. I hope it is resolved in the most positive manner possible.
post #31 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowers View Post
I really feel that all of us (as parents) sometimes forget that divorce (or breaking apart after having a child) sucks for all involved. Nothing is going to be fair but you have to do what you have to do to maintain your priorities and connections. My priorities are my kids. Period. I would do what I had to do to make their lives easier and to keep my heart from breaking over the inherent unfairness.
The interesting thing is, that fathers are the one stuck with the unfair end of the stick. DP lived 10 minutes from the house that his ex got to keep along with the child, and judge gave him credit cards accumulated durirng the marriage and a nice CS to pay every month.
He never even argued the money, he was advised to give up the house by his lawyer and to concentrate on visitation rights (every other weekend is in the interest of the child who adores her dad? PUH-lease....).
When you say you would do what you have to to keep the kids lives easier - that means allowing your kid to come over her dad's when she wants to, and to come over her mom's when she wants to. It's parents COMPROMISING, not giving ultimatums, it's judge realizing, that *GASP* fathers LOVE their children just as much as mothers do, and that to a kid the best situation of all is to have some sort of 50/50 arrangement, and that should be a default not just on paper, but in every court.
post #32 of 51
OP, we are going through the same thing right now. DH is just about to get home from Iraq and wants more time with his son. He has for a while but had to put off asking because he got deployed.

BM will hear nothing of it. She doesn't even want to give DH two consecutive weeks in the summer. She won't even compromise, we want 3 weekends outta the month. DH has drill the first weekend. If they want to do something special we can make arrangements to compromise. Nope, now she isn't even letting me call and talk to DSS because its somehow all my fault.

DH didn't fight for more time when they origninally divorced because she did all the paper work and would have DSS there when they discussed things. He didn't want to cause anymore fights.

Its just ridiculous how uncompromising they are but we are supposed to bend over backwards for them. Its really heartbreaking.
post #33 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsMiller View Post
OP, we are going through the same thing right now. DH is just about to get home from Iraq and wants more time with his son. He has for a while but had to put off asking because he got deployed.

BM will hear nothing of it. She doesn't even want to give DH two consecutive weeks in the summer. She won't even compromise, we want 3 weekends outta the month. DH has drill the first weekend. If they want to do something special we can make arrangements to compromise. Nope, now she isn't even letting me call and talk to DSS because its somehow all my fault.

DH didn't fight for more time when they origninally divorced because she did all the paper work and would have DSS there when they discussed things. He didn't want to cause anymore fights.

Its just ridiculous how uncompromising they are but we are supposed to bend over backwards for them. Its really heartbreaking.
I'm offended by this generalization. Its really quite shocking.

I'm one of "them" except I don't deal with visitation issues because ex is one of "them"; you know the typical fathers who fall off the face of the earth and don't bother to pay cs either. See how that sounds?

Until you are dealing with a child that you gave birth to in this type of situation, you have no idea what its like.

To the OP - taking your dsd for three weekends giving her mother only one weekend a month is unreasonable. If your dh wants more time with his dd he should somehow arrange to see her during the week nights. When she gets older she can decide how much more time she wants to spend with her father.
post #34 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I'm offended by this generalization. Its really quite shocking.

I'm one of "them" except I don't deal with visitation issues because ex is one of "them"; you know the typical fathers who fall off the face of the earth and don't bother to pay cs either. See how that sounds?

Until you are dealing with a child that you gave birth to in this type of situation, you have no idea what its like.
When I was referring to "them" I was talking about the other household and how uncompromising they are. I am sorry you read more into my statement than was meant. It was not ment to be a generalization.
post #35 of 51
Thread Starter 
I'm really shocked by the amount of people who have replied in favor of the four day a month arrangement. Are you not aware that loving, devoted fathers exist? How does it seem unreasonable to ask for 6 days as opposed to 4 days per month while mom gets the other 24? I'm shocked that it seems okay to people that BM took DSD away from us just because she could. DSD lived with us for 11 months seeing her mom only when it was convenient for her. Then she just decides to change the situation and that's okay because she is her mother? Are you saying that somehow a father really does have less rights to his child than the child's mother? As a mother I can say that I expect equality. My husband is just as much a part of our children's lives as I am. I would NEVER take that away from him. We chose to have children together. If for some awful reason we divorced OUR children wouldn't suddenly become MINE. They are still ours. Our children have a right to see their father as much as they see me. I think that the law fails to take into account the child's rights. Somehow, when parents divorce, the child's relationship to her father diminishes? This is just not true and I've seen this situation too many times. It's very sad. There will be a day, though, (I truly hope) where equality is established between divorced parents. I will fight for the cause.

Laura
post #36 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by herbalmommy View Post
I'm really shocked by the amount of people who have replied in favor of the four day a month arrangement. Are you not aware that loving, devoted fathers exist? How does it seem unreasonable to ask for 6 days as opposed to 4 days per month while mom gets the other 24? I'm shocked that it seems okay to people that BM took DSD away from us just because she could. DSD lived with us for 11 months seeing her mom only when it was convenient for her. Then she just decides to change the situation and that's okay because she is her mother? Are you saying that somehow a father really does have less rights to his child than the child's mother? As a mother I can say that I expect equality. My husband is just as much a part of our children's lives as I am. I would NEVER take that away from him. We chose to have children together. If for some awful reason we divorced OUR children wouldn't suddenly become MINE. They are still ours. Our children have a right to see their father as much as they see me. I think that the law fails to take into account the child's rights. Somehow, when parents divorce, the child's relationship to her father diminishes? This is just not true and I've seen this situation too many times. It's very sad. There will be a day, though, (I truly hope) where equality is established between divorced parents. I will fight for the cause.

Laura

This is how I feel exactly. You said what I have been thinking for awhile. The weekends are the ONLY time we get to spend with DSS. We can't take hiim for a weeknight even though we live an hour away because BM thinks it interferes with school. She won't let us have him spring break or during the summer and we may be will be allowed to have him wed-sun during Winter break. How is that fair?

Its heartbreaking to have my DSS beg to come stay the weekend with us, to come be with us and he can't because its not in the parenting plan.
post #37 of 51
I don't get it. Women want equality in the paycheck, equal treatment at work, but to fight for the rights of a loving father is too much equality, I guess.

How about every poster who feels that OP needs to just "deal with it" is all of a sudden:

1. allowed to see their own kid only four days a month?
2. must ask permission to see their own child even for that little time that they get?
3. are told that's it's in the best interest of their child not to see their mother for more than 4 days a month?

I guarantee you, every mother here would be up in arms with such arrangement. Now if you think that dads don't bleed and don't feel, and don't cry - you are most convinietly mistaken.
post #38 of 51
I didn't say or imply that 4 days a month was enough for a child to see their father if the father is loving and involved as the OP's DH is. But taking away the free time that the bm has with her child isn't best for the child either. The best case in situations where both parents are involved is to live close by so that you can see dsd during the week and you can attend school functions, special events etc. In the OP's case I think that the BM putting the child in daycare instead of their care is WRONG and not in the best interest of the child. I think it is worth going to court over and I would if I were in your shoes. Having the First Right of Refusal would help you in this situation.

I have known a lot of people from divorced parents and I do not agree with the child having two residences until they are old enough (teens usually) to say thats what they want. It is VERY unsettling for a child to not have one secure consistent place to call home. Everyone is concerned with whats best for the child, splitting them in two is not. Meaning situations where its one week with mom one week with dad is not good for the stability of a child but it is happening more and more because it is whats best for the parent. There are studies that I have read (I need to find them now) that someone did on children who are now adults who were in a joint physical custody situation and how difficult it was for them growing up because they never felt like they had a home.

So, yes I think that loving, involved mothers and fathers should have relationships with their children, but that they are going to have to make sacrifices for the children. Having a child stay the night at the non-custodial home on a school night is just not good stability IMO. As I said, the ideal situation is where the parents live close to each other and can be involved with the children's day to day life while still allowing them to have a consistent place to call home.
post #39 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I don't get it. Women want equality in the paycheck, equal treatment at work, but to fight for the rights of a loving father is too much equality, I guess.

How about every poster who feels that OP needs to just "deal with it" is all of a sudden:

1. allowed to see their own kid only four days a month?
2. must ask permission to see their own child even for that little time that they get?
3. are told that's it's in the best interest of their child not to see their mother for more than 4 days a month?

I guarantee you, every mother here would be up in arms with such arrangement. Now if you think that dads don't bleed and don't feel, and don't cry - you are most convinietly mistaken.
Maybe you haven't been involved with a custody battle...fathers have plenty of rights in many courts, in fact its about the father's rights not whats best for the child. Making up for past mistakes I guess.
post #40 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsMiller View Post
This is how I feel exactly. You said what I have been thinking for awhile. The weekends are the ONLY time we get to spend with DSS. We can't take hiim for a weeknight even though we live an hour away because BM thinks it interferes with school. She won't let us have him spring break or during the summer and we may be will be allowed to have him wed-sun during Winter break. How is that fair?

Its heartbreaking to have my DSS beg to come stay the weekend with us, to come be with us and he can't because its not in the parenting plan.
It would interfere with school to have a child stay somewhere other than home during a school night. Why couldn't your dh go have dinner with dsc or take them to the library to help with homework. This is time, maybe not all the YOU want but it is what is best for the child.

This is what my brother does, he has two children and is divorced, he feels that they need to sleep at home during the week when they are in school. So he goes and has dinner with them, helps with their homework, etc. FTR, he and ex-sil have a horrible relationship but he pursued this in court because she was doing the same thing, not allowing anything outside of the parenting plan, even though it was not black & white. So now he lives about a mile from them, goes to all their school functions, parent conferences, special events, etc. Would he like to have them staying with him 50% of the tme, of course, but he knows that right now they need the security of one home. (they are 6 & 7). When they get older and want to be with him more then that will be ok because he is in the same school district, he planned it that way.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Father's Rights in NH