Anyone here have a ds who has been shielded from all violent media (tv, etc.)?

[Softheart]

I am pregnant with a boy, and so loath all the media aimed at little boys--Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Cartoon Network shows, war toys...We live way out in the country, and homeschool, and with dd so far its been very easy to screen out barbie dolls and sexist cartoons, and it seems to have worked great so far, she has no idea what weight loss is or that anyone would think of discriminating based on gender, though I don't plan on being quite so vigiliant forever and am instead shifting my focus to building her critical awareness.

So, with my boy, my plan might be to keep the TV on Nogin and PBS KIds when its on and only go to sweet little movies. We don't live near any toy stores so I'll get waldorfy and other wise gentle toys online. I am reading books about little boys and would want to honor all his impulses--so perhaps a knight costume someday with a soft sword if he wanted it, but...

Has anyone here been very mindful of screening the influences on your little boy, like no gratuitous violence or hyper-masculine images of men without feelings, and how has it been going?

Can you point to pitfalls, or unexpected sources of gentle OR negative influences...?

Also, fav books on raising a boy...?

Thanks!

[octobermom]

YOUR THE ADULT AND CERTAINTLY NO BOY/GIRL NEEDS (opps caps lock was on) barbies or toy guns or TV. Were personally a little more relaxed but still hold firm to what we believe. Like I allow baribies that mimic family and career stuff even princess but I don't allow bartz or barbies I feel are inapropiatly dressed. We allow some TV but moniter.. I really don't think of i so much as sheltering because thats ussualy associated with hiding ect but its simpily holding up the standards of our home. And its keeping things age appropiate for our child.
At some point all those other things will be known. Short of locking her in a home and NEVER letting her out. They will see comercials have friends who hav diffrent rules. To some degree things will happen because well frankly girls will e girls and boys will be boys. (thats not a sexist statement its just reality). So understand that these things happen and yes set the standards. YOU will influence you child much much more than any commercial and playmate or stranger.

[Softheart]

See, in my case I really do see it as 'protecting.' Once my dc's had been exposed to something, and wanted to explore it, I would actually help them in any way I could while providing information and a cultural critique--that's part of my unschooling. But while it is outside of their world, if I think it will harm or scare them, I do little things behind the scenes to KEEP it out--like not turning on TMNT or going to see scary movies. Another example it, while they are babies, I feed really nutrious foods of all kinds, and don't put candy in front of them, but after they discover candy and want it, I have it around so as not to create a taboo. So I'm hoping for the same dance with the violent media--keep it out as long as possible, then explore it as much as ds wants, with guideance, so as not to make it into more than it is by giving the impression of forbidding it.

I just think a lot of images would be harmful to tiny little sweet psyches!

Anyone else feel this way, about wanting to protect innocence as long as possible while also not creating a taboo...?

[boatbaby]

Your post really struck a chord with me because I feel the same conflict.

DS is almost 3.5 and so far he's pretty clueless about all that "stuff". We're TV free, he as NO idea who ANY of the characters are, he has NO idea what a gun or sword is (though he knows pirates have hook, but I told him they use them to catch fish ) -- his friends are also tv-free (or minimal at best) and when they're together they mostly just "act like kids" ... running around outside, make believe play (about animals, playing restaurant, playing "family", etc)

I probably care more than most about keeping him away from all the things you describe. I agree that he WILL one day be exposed to it, but I don't think that means I have to open the door for him.

I NEVER would have thought this before having a son -- but I see how his nature kicks into hunter-fisher mode without any outside influences. He has this "need" to bang on tree trunks with a stick and such that I find fascinating. With that in mind -- if I handed him a sword or let him watch shows where people display aggressive behavior, I can see where it would kick into high gear and would be hard to handle.

When he IS eventually exposed to it by a peer or what have you (it being guns, blatant aggression, etc) I still don't think I would allow it into our daily lives.

What helps keep his boy energy in check without the undesired outlets...?
LOTS of outside time. I mean EVERYDAY, in all weather, at all hours. LOTS of freedom to get dirty (really dirty) and climb and explore. Coupled with lots of imaginative play and LOTS of reading. Our toys are gender neutral for the most part (wooden play kitchen, wooden farm set, wooden plain dollhouse, play silks, blocks, instruments, dress up, play animals).

And yes, we're choosy about friends. And frankly I think it's worthwhile. People who shrug when their kid kicks your kid and says "boys will be boys" get crossed off the list. People who don't get why I wouldn't want my just turned 3 year old to see Power Rangers... ditto. DS has equal numbers of boy and girl friends, and they don't all parent the way we do by a long shot. But all of the parents care about media exposure and violence and letting kids be kids and that helps!

Sorry if this is rambling and not at all helpful. I would be curious to hear other people's thoughts. And I may write more when I can think clearly after I have something to eat...

[boatbaby]

I wanted to add that I wholeheartedly agree about the taboo thing. But since I have not come to that crossroads yet I am not sure. Candy is one thing, we did very much the same thing. I don't keep it at home. but now that he knows what it is, I let him have the sucker at the barber shop.

When he discovers guns I just can't see allowing it at home. There have been GREAT discussions here on MDC about this. It seems like many mamas allow imaginary play with guns, but never pointed at people, only at imaginary monsters and such. That seems like a happy medium...

[Softheart]

Boatbaby, I think you are my role model! This is exactly what I was meaning, just not opening the door before it gets opened by some uncontrollable force. With dd, she has such a soft, sensitive heart, and I could see would have been deeply disturbed to know about wars, for example, at too young and age, and is only starting to be able to handle gentle explanations. And I love that she is sensitive and innocent and wise, to me it seems like a steady diet of TMNT, etc, could very well harden/desensitize something inside a little one.

Great suggestions for giving healthy outlets to boy energy...we live in the country so I think I will try to provide lots of fishing, getting dirty, woods-time...Would love to hear more suggestions along these lines.
Thanks Boatbaby!

[quakerlady]

right there with you, mama!

My oldest is about to turn 7 and I STILL only allow PBS or tapes I have selected. It has gotten harder, tho, to completely shield her as she goes on playdates now without me- sometimes she watches stuff I wouldn't have chosen (and yet, totally mainstream stuff, KWIM?) at other people's houses. And sometimes on vacation when we stay with someone, I can't tell our hosts to please turn the TV off. So there are cracks in our defense system, but we're trying.

[LeftField]

Yes, I've done this with two boys (ages 6 and 3) but it's been easier because they are *extremely* sensitive to violence to begin with. I remember watching some PBS documentary about prehistoric humans; ds1 was a 1 year old. At one point on the show, one man went up to a would-be romantic rival and hit him. Ds1 was just wandering around the room doing whatever 1 year olds do. I didn't think he was watching. He began saying, "Uh oh. uh oh. uh oh." We quickly switched the channel.

We've only recently been able to watch CyberChase, because it was way too scary for either of my kids. My oldest would leave the room during scenes on Dora the Explorer and such, because he was frightened; he was as old as 5. We took them to see Curious George (ages 5 and 3 at the time) and my 5 year old had to cover his eyes in parts. My 3 year old was watching some car-building show with dh and ds1 today and he was upset by the fire in welding.

So, I'm sort of compelled to shelter them from violent media because they are super-sensitive and they would have nightmares from some of it. I think even a Disney movie like Lion King would cause some nightmares for them.

I haven't found it to be very difficult so far. We homeschool and I feel it gives us control over what we want to see and what we want to avoid. It gets harder to avoid as they get older, but then I think they are more able to speak up for themselves (i.e. indicate what things they don't like) and they are probably more able to handle it.

As for weapons, at the risk of getting flamed, I will admit that my oldest only discovered what a gun was when he was 5. I don't think my 3 year old understands it yet. I mean, how do you accurately explain what a gun is? It's a tool that's designed to blow big holes in things and it kills things. We don't own guns and my kids aren't exposed to real guns yet, so I didn't see the point in making that lesson any earlier than I needed to. As for swords, they saw those in book illustrations. My oldest son had a temporary interest in swords. I helped them make cardboard swords and ds1 used an imaginary sword for a while. It quickly passed, however. Sometimes, they carry their cardboard swords when they dress up as pirates, but they just seem to carry the swords around like fashion accessories.

Anyway, I just wanted to answer the OP and say that we've done this and I feel good about it. Again, I think the kids' ultra sensitivity kind of drives me in these decisions, because I know they truly cannot handle it yet. We also make a point to talk about feelings a lot and the perspectives of other living things. My 3 year old tried to step on an ant yesterday. It sounds silly, but I was horrified because I've never seen either of them do that before (my oldest cries over squished bugs). We make a point to try to point out the ant's perspective and to try to imagine how we would feel if a giant stepped on us. I think this sort of dialogue helps.

HTH!

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by boatbaby

It seems like many mamas allow imaginary play with guns, but never pointed at people, only at imaginary monsters and such. That seems like a happy medium...

In the very rare occasion when one of my kids has pointed a sword at me, I've frowned and said, "Please don't point that at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it. We don't point swords at people." That worked. And I think that it teaches them to have the words *they* need when another child is doing something to them that they dislike.

[michelle1k]

I am going to be one of those moms who says "Yes, but.."

* ds (sheltered from birth) would bop his little friends on the head as often as he could get away with it from the time he could walk. He loved seeing their reactions when I wasn't quick enough to intervene. End result: we didn't have playdates and only attended LLL meetings for a while until I could be sure he wasn't going to try to hurt someone the very minute my head was turned.
* he attended a very gentle Waldorf preschool and kindy but honestly, the teacher had her hands full with him. He has always been drawn to swords, guns (he would use sticks) and "powerful" toys. But now at age 9 he will play with lego and have fights, while he enjoys in equal measures playing pretend house with dd, age 5.
* now at age 9 (homeschooled after kindy) he still has not seen a single tv show, but has watched heavily screened video recordings (much of it educational). This was a kid who was scared out of his wits by the music and dark mood in the pooh movie "Pooh and the heffalump".

But the honest truth is, while ds has never witnessed violence first hand and has been media sheltered so much, if there are problems in a group, he is usually at the front and center of it. I think some boys are just more predisposed to ramping up the physical ante of things, and often peaceful non-violent parents like dh and I are just at such a loss as to where this came from. We talk, talk, talk about non-violence, kindness, gentleness, read books on the subject, model peaceful conflict resolution, monitor friendships and continue to be vigilant about his behavior and emotional life.

But he is who he is and he came to this life with his own set of issues to work through. You can have the best intentions and be a super parent and personality-wise your kid could still turn out differently to what you thought he would or ought to be b/c you're followed the right "recipe".

[Meli65]

Like many others here, I've found it very easy to shelter ds (age 5) from scary and violent things. He's just not interested -- he likes watching Noggin and loves "Go Diego Go" -- he talks rather scornfully of other boys who love superheros. Ds1 has a big interest in animals, so we've just gone with that -- books, tapes, nature programs, etc. Ds2 (age 2) loves trucks and sports things, so I figure it will be the same for him.

I do think that many parents expose their boys to those violent things unthinkingly -- they just figure that all boys like that stuff, and that it's okay to let them see it whenever they want to. Or that fathers are looking for things to do with their sons, so allow them to watch violent cartoons with them. I think it's appalling, really -- why not let children have innocent interests, at least for a few years?

Ds1 is starting kindergarten this week and I am freaking out a bit about it -- that he'll be made to think that he's a baby for not liking Spiderman or whatever. I hope it goes well. But as long as your boy is home with you I don't think it will be a big deal at all.

[RainCoastMama]

This is an interesting thread - curious to read the 'other' POV as I posted an earlier thread about censoring music, and found out that most of the mamas don't censor ANYthing including shows/movies. Don't mean to hijack the thread at all, but just thought the responses were interesting...

[Softheart]

Wow, thanks for all the responses. For me, it feels like "censoring" in a positive way, because I am just keeping it away from my dc's awareness as long as I reasonably can. Once they became aware of it, if I forbade them to explore it (like a certain show or character or toy), then it would feel like a negative form of censorship that would elevate the power of the item and damage our relationship.

[FreeRangeMama]

I have 2 boys (age 6 and 4) and 2 girls (age 2 and 6 weeks) and we are tv free. They do love books though so we provide them with things like fairy tales and age appropriate adventure stories. The boys love to pretend to fight with swords and the 4 yo pretends things are guns sometimes. They slay monsters, hunt wild and dangerous animals, pretend to be pirates, etc. I can't imagine they play these things LESS because they haven't been exposed to violent images, in fact they probably play more imaginative games of a violent nature than most kids because they are actually outside PLAYING and not inside in front of the tv set

I do feel that they play these things differently than their popular culture exposed peers, they seem to be fulfilling a developmentally appropriate need as opposed to just copying a character in a movie. It is normal and natural for little boys to play this way when they are in that developmental phase, the benefit to raising them in a media free, natural toy kind of environment is that they don't reach that stage before they are ready.

I find the biggest difference in the way that my boys play is that they aren't pretending with violence for violence's sake, it is more like they are pretending to be in an adventure or to dominate over something scary.

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

I have 2 boys (age 6 and 4) and 2 girls (age 2 and 6 weeks) and we are tv free. They do love books though so we provide them with things like fairy tales and age appropriate adventure stories. The boys love to pretend to fight with swords and the 4 yo pretends things are guns sometimes. They slay monsters, hunt wild and dangerous animals, pretend to be pirates, etc. I can't imagine they play these things LESS because they haven't been exposed to violent images, in fact they probably play more imaginative games of a violent nature than most kids because they are actually outside PLAYING and not inside in front of the tv set

I do feel that they play these things differently than their popular culture exposed peers, they seem to be fulfilling a developmentally appropriate need as opposed to just copying a character in a movie. It is normal and natural for little boys to play this way when they are in that developmental phase, the benefit to raising them in a media free, natural toy kind of environment is that they don't reach that stage before they are ready.

I find the biggest difference in the way that my boys play is that they aren't pretending with violence for violence's sake, it is more like they are pretending to be in an adventure or to dominate over something scary.

GREAT insight!!! So true about being in an adventure and conquering something scary rather than "copying" something aggressive and violent.

[Softheart]

Yes! I love the idea of fairytale, quest, adventure style active play--seems very symbolic and a healthy way to work out feelings and philosophy of 'good and evil' in the world...I remember something in waldorf philosophy about maybe around age 7 fairytales being helpful in this way. But to be exposed to many fairytales at 3 or 4 could be way too scary. I love the idea of my boy being able to initiate this type of exploration when it comes up from inside, not just because it fits into Disney's plan for the next big hit!

[faeriebeauty22]

Originally Posted by Softheart

See, in my case I really do see it as 'protecting.' Once my dc's had been exposed to something, and wanted to explore it, I would actually help them in any way I could while providing information and a cultural critique--that's part of my unschooling. But while it is outside of their world, if I think it will harm or scare them, I do little things behind the scenes to KEEP it out--like not turning on TMNT or going to see scary movies. Another example it, while they are babies, I feed really nutrious foods of all kinds, and don't put candy in front of them, but after they discover candy and want it, I have it around so as not to create a taboo. So I'm hoping for the same dance with the violent media--keep it out as long as possible, then explore it as much as ds wants, with guideance, so as not to make it into more than it is by giving the impression of forbidding it.

I just think a lot of images would be harmful to tiny little sweet psyches!

Anyone else feel this way, about wanting to protect innocence as long as possible while also not creating a taboo...?

i like the way you think.

[mavery]

I didn't have time to read all the replies right now, but I wanted to say that I have found it REALLY HARD to limit violent influences. The problems for me are:
- the PUBLIC LIBRARY!!! which is full of "military ABCs" and factual photo books about fighter jets and civil war re-enactment. Right next to the train and fire truck books. I do refuse to check out books I'm not willing to read, but it's kind of counterproductive since it makes them more glamorous. The love of machines can make limiting violence very difficult.
- Relatives and friends. It has been impossible for me to communicate to my dh's relatives what things I consider unacceptable. He has been given a playmobil knights set, books with some content I do not like. One of his grandmas just gave him a beautiful David & Goliath picture book and she just could not understand why I did not love the glorification of fighting and killing and the black and white good/evil theme.