Ds dumped over laundry on purpose

[transformed]

This happens often in my house, and I dont know how to deal with it because it really makes me mad/sad/feel helpless.

Laundry is a really tough subject in my home-I am not very good at staying on top of that chore. So when I finally start to get caught up and have 2 full baskets of clean clothes in my living room, (THANK GOD it wasnt folded yet or I might have killed ds-age 4) but last night when we were hanging out before bedtime, my ds laughed, looked at me, and pulled the baskets down and dumped them over. :

It made me and dh so mad (because it was so disprespectful!) that dh escorted ds immedietly to bed. It was completley mean spirited. (He has done it before-which is one reason I am scared to fold laundry)

What would you do?!?! I should have made him pick it up but I was way too mad-I would have possibly lost my temper really bad-it was a looooong day.

??????????????????

Jenny

[*LoveBugMama*]

:

We all have somthing that triggers our anger, I think.

What I would do... I hope I would have stayed calm. I hope I would have been able to see that my child, at age 4, is just a little boy. That he was trying to get attention, to make me react in some way and/or that he was trying to see what happened when he did that.

I hope I would have told him that to see the laundry dumped on the floor made me angry (if it infact made me angry). That I expected him to help picking it up.

But being human, I can`t garantee you that I would have been calm all the time. But I would try, and do my best. :

[transformed]

I did have him pick it up first thing this morning, he said he didnt want to-and we had to fight about it because he refused. (I am pretty sure, knowing my little boy, it would have been the same scenario or worse last night.)

[momto l&a]

He knows it gets your goat so he does it.

[Genesis]

Please forgive me if I am missing something here, but what is the big deal? And how is it mean spirited? I could understand you getting frustrated if all the laundry was folded, but you said it wasn't. I guess I just don't understand you and your partner's anger about it. The clothes were still clean and it takes very little time to pick it all up, right?

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Natural Mommy*J

Please forgive me if I am missing something here, but what is the big deal? And how is it mean spirited? I could understand you getting frustrated if all the laundry was folded, but you said it wasn't. I guess I just don't understand you and your partner's anger about it. The clothes were still clean and it takes very little time to pick it all up, right?

: I could see you getting a little annoyed if it was folded...but it wasn't. Even if it was he is 4...my ds 2.5 went through a brief stage a couple of months ago of dumping laundry out, my solution...get it put away. He gave me incentive to get the laundry done completely.

[mommy2abigail]

This is a daily occurance at our house. And she only does it AFTER it's folded. Eh, it doesn't bother me much. I would say he is definately picking up on your frustration and knows it gets to you. I wouldn't make it such a big deal. Easier said than done, I know.

[thismama]

I do think children can do this sort of thing in an intentional, mean way. I don't think the response is as simple as assuming only good intent, or not showing that we are bothered so they don't think they can get us by doing this stuff.

It's not okay and I would have told the child as much. I also agree with the OP getting him to pick it all back up in the morning.

It wouldn't be a big deal to me probably, but it is to the OP and that is fair enough. The child needs to do what they can do to make things right, IMO.

[transformed]

Why wouldnt it make me mad that my clean laundry is now on the floor? You wouldnt get mad? He looks at me, dumps it and laughs because he knows I am mad. It would be like me going up to dh, taking his soda, and dumping it out. That would piss me off!

[thismama]

Originally Posted by transformed

Why wouldnt it make me mad that my clean laundry is now on the floor? You wouldnt get mad? He looks at me, dumps it and laughs because he knows I am mad. It would be like me going up to dh, taking his soda, and dumping it out. That would piss me off!

Well I am so careless that I would still consider it clean. That's why I wouldn't care.

But you do care, and that is perfectly valid. I may care about something else you wouldn't mind a bit. Fact remains he knew what he was doing, and did it to get to you. That has to be addressed, IMO. Getting him to pick it all back up, after telling him how much it sucks that he did that, is exactly what I would do.

Kids pull this kind of thing, it's normal. But it's also normal for parents to get to have an *honest* (although still respectful, of course) reaction, and for the child to be made to do something to put things right again.

[Ruthla]

I wouldn't have saved it for him to pick up in the morning. I would have put it away immediately so it couldn't be knocked over again. But that's more of a "household organization tip" than a discipline issue. Toys dumped onto the floor I would leave for the child to deal with in the morning because I'm not so invested in having the toys washed, folded, and put away promptly.

There are two separate things going on here:

1) the OP and her feelings about the laundry (which can be helped by different household routines, etc)

and

2) The child being intentionally disrespectful in a deliberate attempt to anger his mother.

Children DO need to learn that certain behavior is completely unnacceptable. It might be age appropriate behavior, and understanding that can help keep your emotions under control when dealing with the child, but children still need to learn household rules and how to respect other people's feelings.

Some parents are so invested in being gentle that they forget to discipline! A 4yo needs to understand that his behaviors DO affect other people. He needs to learn that it's OK to be angry but it's not OK to hurt other people's bodies or feelings or break things when he's angry. He needs to learn that messing up people's stuff hurts their feelings.

I think it's good for kids to understand that Mom and Dad will react differently to accidents than to intentional messes. It's OK for kids to see their parents get angry- I don't think it's healthy for kids to think their parents are emotionless robots.

You'd be doing your child a great disservice to smile and say "that's OK sweetie, I'll pick that up now."

[Danaoc]

It's perturbing to hear the view that kids are "intentionally" mean-spirited. I prefer to see it as intentionally testing. He probably wanted to see...how will Mom feel about this? How will she react? Will she get mad? Or will she teach me what she prefers me to do? And then snuggle with me to let me know that no matter what I do she still loves me?

[Genesis]

:

We all have our little things that get us irritated, I do understand that. I guess what was bothering me about your post was the fact that he's only 4 and you and your partner were angry enough about it to immediately send him to his room to go to bed. But I probably feel like that because to me the situation wouldn't be that big of a deal. To you it is. Fair enough.

Originally Posted by thismama

Well I am so careless that I would still consider it clean. That's why I wouldn't care.

Yeah, I would consider them clean too unless my floor was insanely dirty. I have all carpet though, so I wouldn't have that problem.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by Danaoc

It's perturbing to hear the view that kids are "intentionally" mean-spirited. I prefer to see it as intentionally testing. He probably wanted to see...how will Mom feel about this? How will she react? Will she get mad? Or will she teach me what she prefers me to do? And then snuggle with me to let me know that no matter what I do she still loves me?

Okay. Intentionally mean spirited, or intentionally testing. Either is true for me. I think it is true that some behaviours *are* very much mean spirited, AND they are about testing what the adult response will be.

However, I don't think the automatic response is to "not get mad," and simply teach the child what we prefer them to do, and then snuggle with them. They *know* what we prefer them to do, and are doing the opposite. That is the whole point of the behaviour.

I think the key is to communicate anger and/or upset respectfully but genuinely, direct the child in how to make it right, and let them know they are still loved regardless of their behaviour.

[transformed]

It wasnt the cleaanest part of the floor (and our entire house is tile) but I am trying to put myself in the perspective of not caring if ds dumped out the laundry....having a hard time getting there.....could be a control issue. ??

I always feel like i am drowning in housework so thats part of it-I cant keep motivated to do dishes and laundry and cleaning all day long and I wish the house was cleaner. (Or I wish we at least had clean clothes to wear that we could find) I am trying to get better but totally tired and want to sleep all day.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

My 3.5 year old definitely can be mean-spirited. Not testing, but mean. She's not mean-spirited as a person but she has her moments. Kids are human.

[polka hop]

*

[cycle]

I don't think anyone was arguing that it isn't annoying...I just have a hard time grasping that a 4 year old is mean spirited and did it just to anger his parents. If my ds does it I just have him help me put it back, its fun for us, its not something that I think he is doing to be mean...its fun for them, kind of like playing with silks, KWIM? Do we need to express to them that you don't want them to do that, sure, but try to remember that he is young and I don't believe that at 4 he is being "mean".

[thismama]

Originally Posted by cycle

I don't think anyone was arguing that it isn't annoying...I just have a hard time grasping that a 4 year old is mean spirited and did it just to anger his parents. If my ds does it I just have him help me put it back, its fun for us, its not something that I think he is doing to be mean...its fun for them, kind of like playing with silks, KWIM? Do we need to express to them that you don't want them to do that, sure, but try to remember that he is young and I don't believe that at 4 he is being "mean".

Well, I disagree. I think 4 year old children can and do figure out what things may trigger parents, and they do those things, not for the fun of exploration, but for the express purpose of doing something contrary to the parent's wishes, something that will cause an emotional response in the parent.

I see a lot of children who do this, it is obvious from the glint in the eye and the lack of remorse upon seeing an upset adult. I also see parents who can't imagine their little darlings are doing said behaviour with intention to antagonize. And so the children continue on. A few of my daughter's friends, ages 4, 5, and 6, are really horrid to be around right now because parents are not addressing the fact that their more out of control behaviours are done with intention to create a rise.

[transformed]

but do you reward them with positive attention ie: snuggling and telling them you still love them when they do something to get attention? (Not in my house-I do not reward negative behavior)

Usually when my ds does attention getting stuff like say words I dont like, I ignore him.

If I had ignored this though, he would have continued throwing the laundry around until i got mad.

I should have totally had him clean it up last night but considering my temper yesterday and the fact that I probably would have resorted to grabbing him or spanking him, it was definatly the best decision. (Since mommy has a hard time controlling herself too!)

Dh could see the "I'm so done" look in my eyes the second he got home, so he instantly rescued me-at the expense of ds. I do my best but sometimes family members have to "do what they gotta do" and sometimes its at someone elses expense. not ideal, but life isnt perfect. I hope my ds could see that that wasnt the right choice to make because it was at Mommys expense that he was going to get attention. (its not ok for me and its not ok for him)

He pretty much knows I love him all the time. I remind him that I love him for who he is-and I love him when he makes bad choices, good choices, and all the time. My actions screw up sometimes....but I hope I can forgive myself and teach him that its ok to screw up sometimes.