Discipline and Breastfeeding

[shorn]

When do you stop giving the breast every time they get angry or frustrated?

DS is 21 months old. Usually when he gets angry or frustrated I try and use all of the usual tactics. Substitution, distraction, etc, etc. When these don't work or when he is really pissed I offer the breast. When he nurses and slaps my face or bites, I put him on the floor and say "no biting, biting hurts mommy" just to have him get really upset and I have to nurse him all over again.

Anyway, I am just wondering what I am doing here and I guess I am feeling a little unsure of myself. I just read the "cry for connection" document at the top of this forum and I am wondering if I should start letting him work through these emotions a little bit with me there, but not nursing. I don't mind nursing him after he has calmed down a little and is ready to re-connect but I wonder if putting a frustrated toddler immediately to the breast is really in his best interest at this stage. Maybe I am looking too much into this. If the usual tactics don't work and he is really upset and insists on nursing then he must feel the need. I don't know.

Any input would be appreciated.

[wendizbaby]

I wasn't clear from your post if he is actually asking for the breast during these times or if you are just automatically putting him to it. If he is not asking, I would not offer it to him and like that article said, let the tantrum happen and be there for him. If he IS asking for it during these times, I wouldn't deny him that comfort, but if he bites and slaps, continue to set your boundaries like you're doing. Eventually he'll get it, I'm sure.
Good luck!!
Wendi

[dove]

when ds used to have a tantrum, i would just be there with him/for him. i would often not say anything. if i did, it was usually just a well timed murmur...something like "oh, you are angry (sad, mad, frustrated, etc), how can i help you?" or something gentle. ds is a big time nurser, so i understand the thought to pull him to the breast, but like your ds, he would also hit at the breast, etc. and rightly so, as his feelings weren't adequately vented yet.

to pull him to you then put him away from you when he still needs to vent and doesn't act as you would prefer in that moment surely would just cause him more upset.

just being there and listening is often the key. little ones like to be heard just like anyone does. ds really responded well to this and is now pretty much tantrum free (32 mos)...and he is much more likely to vocalize his wants and needs before hitting that point of ultimate frustration since he is aware that i am there to help him through things...
oh, and i did a lot of pre-emptive work to help keep things a little smoother for him...he is very high needs and some things/situations/events/foods just set him off. learning what to avoid is also very helpful!

hth!

[wannabe]

I have been very aware of and careful not to do this from the beginning. But then maybe I just have a child who doesn't need it so much?

Lots of holding, loving things, naming emotions once she's calmer, etc, but I won't offer the breast unless she's been physically hurt and is hysterical/crying hard/not calming down, or if she's in that hiccupy sad down side of a tantrum phase. I can't describe my gut feelings about it better than to say that for her and me it would feel like I was trying to shut her up?

I still have tantrummy feelings and they need to come out, like lancing a boil, not to be soothed for propriety's sake IYKWIM.

[alegna]

I don't see any problem offering the breast if it helps. Why would it be a problem?

-Angela

[shorn]

I guess I will let his tantrums go for a bit and see what happens. If he insists on nursing, I will definitely let him. BTW the slapping and biting is seperate from the tantrum. He doesn't do that when I nurse him after a tantrum.

I guess I have found the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood a little difficult. I know that some frustration and anger is healthy but I still don't like to see my child cry.

Any ideas how DH can help with a tantrum? Sometimes DH will try and deal with it but it seems to makes matters worse.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by alegna

I don't see any problem offering the breast if it helps. Why would it be a problem?

:

Originally Posted by shorn

I guess I have found the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood a little difficult.

I think that is one of the great things about nursing a toddler. It's much more difficult without the comfort of nursing.

[ssh]

My DD is 21 months too. A lot of times asking her if she wants "milkies" will avert a tantrum. She often asks when she's calming down from one too. When people she likes leave our house it's really hard to comfort her, sometimes she seems to need to cry a moment by the door. Most other situations comforting/ sympathizing, and nursing if she wants, seem to work.
I think we'd have a lot more tantrums if she wasn't nursing whenever she wanted.

[transylvania_mom]

why would I stop? Breastfeeding is a powerful "weapon", and I used as much as I could. He would calm down instantly, I didn't have to listen to his tantrums and everybody was happy. Unless he's hitting or biting you, then I wouldn't just allow him to mistreat me, but this never happened to us.
Now the problem is he's NOT willing to nurse when I try to calm him down, but nowadays his tantrums are so few and short that nursing wouldn't make any difference.

[JessicaS]

Sometimes that transition is so difficult. Offering the breast might not be necessary as that might not be what he is wanting when he is throwing a tantrum, IME a lot of tantrums are caused by frustration with communication.

I think helping him communicate what he is trying to say or try and find what is frustrating him might help more, as well as help him work on expressing his needs.

When dd was that age if it was a communication issue I would do what I could to work it out with her and try and find out what it was she was needing or wanting.

If it was a "no" tantrum as in "you said I can't have cookies so I am going to throw a tantrum" thing then I would just let it ride.

But, I would let her know it is "ok" to be angry and upset and when they feel that way, parents are there for them to try and help them through it.

If he wants to nurse, then nurse him, I am just saying..that might not be what he is wanting at the precise moment he gets mad.

Is he speaking much yet? Not that it is a big deal if he isn't but sometimes that can lead to a little more frustration.

[dove]

Originally Posted by alegna

I don't see any problem offering the breast if it helps. Why would it be a problem?

-Angela

it's a "problem" when it doesn't work for either party. toddler feels unheard and "shut up" and mama gets kicked and slapped, toddler's way of expressing that being placated with boobie/milk/mama is not what he wants in that moment. maybe 10 seconds later that will be what he wants, but not then. it is disrespectful to the child, imo.

[dove]

Originally Posted by shorn

I guess I will let his tantrums go for a bit and see what happens. If he insists on nursing, I will definitely let him. BTW the slapping and biting is seperate from the tantrum. He doesn't do that when I nurse him after a tantrum.

I guess I have found the transition from babyhood to toddlerhood a little difficult. I know that some frustration and anger is healthy but I still don't like to see my child cry.

Any ideas how DH can help with a tantrum? Sometimes DH will try and deal with it but it seems to makes matters worse.

tantrums will lessen as time goes on and your child feels consistently heard and understood. there is no need for dh to treat a tantrum any differently. most guys are programmed to step in and "fix" the sitch, so they can really come down on a little one who is having emotional difficulty. like you said, when dh tries to "deal with it", it makes matters worse.

the best thing either of you can do is to treat your child, in that moment, like anyone that you love who is going through a rough emotional time. add to it that he cannot express himself in adult terms and have utmost empathy for that fact. be with him, be there for him, allow him to vent, empathize with him, and talk about it as he is ready. and sure, offer physical comfort, but wait for signs that he is ready for that...
hth! it is a hard place to put yourself mentally

[alegna]

Originally Posted by dove

it's a "problem" when it doesn't work for either party. toddler feels unheard and "shut up" and mama gets kicked and slapped, toddler's way of expressing that being placated with boobie/milk/mama is not what he wants in that moment. maybe 10 seconds later that will be what he wants, but not then. it is disrespectful to the child, imo.

That's why I said if it helps

If it doesn't work, try something different. If it works for everyone, go with it.

-Angela

[wannabe]

Originally Posted by dove

it's a "problem" when it doesn't work for either party. toddler feels unheard and "shut up" and mama gets kicked and slapped, toddler's way of expressing that being placated with boobie/milk/mama is not what he wants in that moment. maybe 10 seconds later that will be what he wants, but not then. it is disrespectful to the child, imo.

Yeah that, plus you're sending the message that it's wrong to be upset, that it's scary and nasty and you'll stop it at any cost. When the message you want to send is that what you're feeling is anger/fear/fustration, and it doesn't feel nice, but it's OK to not be perfectly lovely and fluffy all the time, that these emotions aren't pretty, but Mummy loves you no matter how angry and hateful you're feeling. And that you'll let then feel those feelings rather than plug them up and placate them whenever they threaten to explode and be messy.

Any ideas how DH can help with a tantrum? Sometimes DH will try and deal with it but it seems to makes matters worse.

My husband really fights with trying to fix it - he tries to talk and distract her, and do things that simply make it worse. when he's quiet and just sits there lovingly it's much better. But he finds that really difficult.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by wannabe

Yeah that, plus you're sending the message that it's wrong to be upset, that it's scary and nasty and you'll stop it at any cost. When the message you want to send is that what you're feeling is anger/fear/fustration, and it doesn't feel nice, but it's OK to not be perfectly lovely and fluffy all the time, that these emotions aren't pretty, but Mummy loves you no matter how angry and hateful you're feeling. And that you'll let then feel those feelings rather than plug them up and placate them whenever they threaten to explode and be messy.

I have never sent dd the message that "it's wrong to be upset, that it's scary and nasty and you'll stop it at any cost." More just that mama is here and if you need to nurse to calm yourself down, you're welcome to.

-Angela

[dove]

Originally Posted by alegna

That's why I said if it helps

If it doesn't work, try something different. If it works for everyone, go with it.

-Angela

i know you said "if it helps". i agree. but i was addressing your comment "why would it be a problem?"

that comment seemed more than a bit misplaced in this thread, as op is obviously having a problem.

[MtBikeLover]

I was going to answer the what to do after biting and scratching. When my DD used to bite/kick/scratch while nursing she got a "warning" - "I don't like it when you do that. Stop biting me." If it continued, I immediately took her off the breast and sat her down. No matter how much tantruming she did, I did not put her back to my breast for a little while. It is not ok to hurt mama. After a few times of this, we didn't have any issues.

I do think that if you take him off your breast because of the biting but then put him right back on because he is screaming that you are sending a mixed message. You need to follow through with the consequence of biting (which is not nursing for a little while).

[Wugmama]

All I know is that I was and am so thankful to have the nursing to help calm a toddler who is melting down, becuase at least I can circumvent ME from melting down! I used/plan to use it as long as it still works!

~Tracy

[swampangel]

I remember an incident at a playgroup when one child became upset about something. Our children were all about 2 years old at that time and we were all still nursing. Anyway, as soon as this little girl let out a wimper her mother swooped her up and offered the breast. It felt odd to a few of us because it seemed as though there was no processing what happened for her. It seems to me at that age, expressing those feelings is important. Somehow it seems like jumping right to breastfeeding isn't allowing the child to experience these different emotions and getting to the other side of them.

Of course, I would breastfeed if the child wanted it, but I would try to follow their lead rather than offer it. There are SO many ways mamas can be there to validate and comfort our little ones. I think it's a big transition for us mamas to move from how we respond to babies to they myriad of ways we can interact and respond to toddlers.