Just moved. Bullies in the neighborhood.

[Lisa Lubner]

We just moved... the town has been great, the first few days in the neighborhood were great. There are a bunch of kids in the neighborhood. My kids were having a good time and were thrilled that they were making friends. Then the girl across the street (or her little boy friend) decided she doesn't like my son, and now the entire group of kids has turned against him. It's happened twice now where they've asked him to come down to play, only to tease him and call him names (crybaby, loser...) or to hide from him. Then she comes over wanting to play when her little friend ISN'T out. The rest of the kids sortof just go along with it.

I feel so sad for my little boy (who is 7 btw)... He is a very sensitive (and appropriately compassionate) kid who is going through some VERY difficult stuff right now... He never hears from his dad anymore and has only seen him about 4 times in the last year. We just moved to a new town, and he is going to be going to public school for the first time. He was THRILLED the first few days when everyone was being nice to him.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I just leave it at talking to my son and helping him through it, or should I talk to the parents? What would I say?

[mammastar2]

You could try having them play in your house or in earshot, then if anything goes sideways, be on hand with a very stern "HEY!" and a follow-up as to why that's not acceptable (that's namecalling, it's mean and rude, and no one likes to be called names). Then if it happens again you can give talking to their parents a try.

If your son wants to give playing with them a rest, you can sympathize and say that yeah, they were being mean and that really sucks, and finding some better friends for the time being is a good idea. However, it may be that they just need to be called on it. They may not be hardened bullies, but just kids getting a little out of hand who need reining in.

[4evermom]

Playdates on home turf sound like a good idea. I know that my ds likes playing tricks and I have to keep an eye on him that they aren't mean ones. He would go along with those kids, too, if left to his own devices. It's also likely that the more it happens, the more likely it will become a habit with all the kids so I would nip things in the bud as much as possible.

I'd stock up on popsicles and tell ds to tell them to come play at his house.

[blessed]

I agree about having them only play in your presence. Put out a slip-n-slide, or set up a homemade soccer goal and a ball. Pull up a lawnchair and a cool drink and park yourself outside with the kids.

Do your best (it's hard!) to try to treat the other kids with kindness and interest - the way you'd want someone to treat your son if they saw him misbehaving. The other kids are really just being kids. I think kids who are neglected or ignored by their parents are the ones who tend to act out with these mean behaviors. More than anyone, they need interested adults to step in and give guidance about correct social behavior. Talk to them, engage them. Make them think you're cool and a kind mama and that your house is a fun and relaxed place to be.

If you polarize them as 'bad kids' they'll just write you off, won't listen to anything you say, and your kids will have that much of a harder time of it.

[mata]

What does *he* want? He may not want to interact with them for now-especially if he's feeling emotionally fragile.

I personally wouldn't talk with the parents. In my experience that can quite often backfire-people can be touchy about hearing their child is doing something "wrong"-especially from someone they don't know.

If he did choose to play with them and I witnessed mean behavior I'd very calmly correct it-don't say that to him, if you can't play nicely you'll need to leave our house, etc. etc. And definitely talk to him about their behavior-reaffirming that he deserves considerate playmates, etc.

[kkeris]

It depends on how much my son wants them as friends. If I know that having them accept him (as opposed to the entire group turniung against him!) will mean alot to him especially now that he is already going through a difficult time, I would do my best to win them over. I'd go get some really cool yard toys and stuff kids would like, I'd be the nice welcoming and cheery mom, I'll provide icy cool drinks and snacks for everyone and invite them all over to play. And you bet I'll be right there to make sure no one treats my son roughly. Its much easier to 'win' them over when they think I am the cool mom and its fun to hang out at my place. I'm the school bully's victim for years and the one thing I wished I had was my mom's support, in any way at all. So knowing how important these things can be to a kid, you bet I'll be doing my darnest best.