Separation Anxiety at Age 4

[newmommy]

He gets upset when I leave the house. Almost like he is worried about me. And he has a complete meltdown when I have my shoes on in the house.

If I have my shoes on in the house, DS gets upset and says "Take your shoes off Mommy" and will actually pause and wait until I take them off!

Because to him, if I have my shoes on that means I'm going somewhere and it's without him. He really does not like it when my shoes are on.

FYI, I like to keep my shoes on because my feet are going through some changes

It's not my working schedule because he and DH drop me off at work and he even waves to me "Bye Mommy! See you at 5:30!" and they leave.

It's when we are home and I'm leaving to walk out the door and the minute he finds out he's not going with me (which 99% of the time I take him with me) he has a complete meltdown and DH has to calm him down.

And of course, I feel awful about it. I take Sunday afternoons to recharge and may go a see a movie and go to the bookstore. But I've stopped doing that because it seems to cause DS so much anguish! But, when I don't recharge and take care of myself, I'm not the best Mom of I want to be. so a viscious cyle begins.

But he gives DH his full blessing when HE walks out the door. He *used* to have meltdowns when DH left the house and *I* had to calm him down. Now it's shifted to me. To the point, where it would take me half an hour to calm him down. That was around 2.5 to Age 3.

But I'm confused as to why he even has Separation Anxiety at Age 4. He's either with Me or DH at all times. He's never been to daycare, he's been home with DH since birth.

I'm stumped.

[velcromom]

I feel for you! My four year old does NOT like me to leave him anywhere either. He is ok at a friend's house for a while, if his big brother also goes. I can also leave him at home with brother (16) if I run out for a quick errand. But otherwise, he's not ready for being anywhere without either me, dh or his brother. I tried to leave him at the co-op preschool to go have a coffee for an hour one time last spring.. he got completely hysterical and nearly threw up, I felt horrible. I really don't have an answer, all I can think of is to ease into it by starting with very very short separations and gradually working into longer ones... along with lots of talking about it, oh, this is one of those things I should try EFT on! Hmm.

[BoGiBoBo]

Could it be related to any of the scary events lately? Like the bridge collapse? Did he see anything about people not coming home, or of children having to go live with someone else? Even the littlest thing can get their little minds working.

[lindberg99]

You know, 4 is still a little kid so separation anxiety is not unusual. Maybe it doesn't bother him when you go to work because he's knows when you'll be home, etc. but it upsets him when you go to the store or somewhere because he's not as sure when you'll get back. Or maybe he thinks it's infringing on his "mommy time" of day? I'm sure it's just another phase like when he was upset when your DH left.

About the shoes, you certainly have a right to wear shoes in your house if you want. But maybe you could do the Mr. Rogers thing and change into Keds (or other shoes) when you get home? Then those could be your "house shoes" for staying home in. It would be simple enough to do, might reduce your son's shoe anxiety, and you can keep your shoes on in the house. Plus it will keep your carpets cleaner.

[4evermom]

My ds went through some major separation anxiety at age 4. It seemed to be caused by the attempt of sending him to a half-day program. He only went 10 half days but I had to take him everywhere for 4 months afterwards. It took about a year before he was fine.

[beanma]

for the mommy recharging time, can dad take ds out of the house and you stay there (or maybe go to the bookstore after they've gone, but be sure to get back before they return)? a lot of times around here it's the "mommy's leaving!" thing that triggers a meltdown, but kid leaving mom, no problem.