Mothers Raising Daughters - Page 2

[gradmama]

I have three girls...

who are 9 (almost 10), 11, and 12. I never! feel like an adequate/good parent. I am doing my best (I never had any role models either, so its difficult to even begin to know what to do. Also, I was a teenager when I had them - a double-edged sword). Someone once said to me that we are going to f*** it up everyday when it comes to our kids and the sooner we get used to that, the easier we can be on ourselves. Sort of goes against my perfectionist/achiever instinct, but maybe it will help someone?
Dd1: an introvert, learning difficulties, sort of a conundrum to me, but really quite "good"
Dd2: athlete, extrovert, quick/bright, big sassy mouth!
DD3: extrovert, great with littler kids (mommy type), very defiant child, got F's because she didn't want to do the work/listen to her teacher

I don't know where I'm going with this......

[pranamama]

3 dd still thinking about my relationships with dd so nothing to post for now.

[Mom2_3girls]

3 girls here

dd1 is 15.5 and we have had the most challenging year this year. We moved last summer (before her 9th grade year) and she seemed to do well with the adjustment and about 6 months ago all hell broke loose. She refused counseling, refused to speak respectfully to anyone in the house and threatened daily to go live with her father. (Her father and I divorced when she was 10 months old..daddy issues??). I finally called her bluff and sent her to live with him. She now says (it's been 2 weeks) that she will do anything to come home, so I am in the process of putting in writing a contract that we will all abide by. We shall see.

dd2 is 14 and has had the best year of her life. She went from very insecure/introverted to larger than life. She is a bit out of place now with her big sister gone but doing well. She is the more emotionally verbal of the two older girls. She will find me and sit and talk about what is bothering her until she feels okay about things. I hope that continues.

dd3 was 4 yesterday. She is your typical 4 year old. Happy, curious, challenging all in one.

I'm really glad this thread was started. The relationship between mothers and daughters is so important, rewarding and heartbreaking all at once IMO.

[AngelBee]

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[Girlsmama]

Okay not sure if this goes but my 14 year old neice just moved in, i'm now her legal gaurdian but have been like a mom to her since her mothers death at 3 years old. I also have five young dds but i have a few years until they become teenagers. (thank goodness).

ANyways my Neice is 14 and such a great kid, she's a little lost right now, (her father just died about a month ago.) but she is so strong and smart, happy and fun to be around.

Glad this thread is here! I see it being a great help for me!

[zenmamasan]

a houseful!

WOW Girlsmama! You got a handful! Makes me and my whining about my two girls a bit excessive.

I too am really thankful for this thread - I think our relationships with our daughters can change the world. Or maybe I'm just putting too much on my shoulders with that one. My close friends, which I am blessed with so many here in Vermont, are so much like second mamas to my girls, and I am glad that they are there in the village if ya know what I mean !

Julia

[rabbithorns]

My daughter will be 18 in December. She just moved out this summer and is working. There have been a few ups and downs but overall we like to hang out together. I know more about her sex life than I want to, (such as: she has one), and she says she really wants to do acid (gee, I thought we used up the world's supply in the 70s), but she is responsible generally and I'd rather know what she's doing than not. When she was interested in sex, she asked me to take her to my gyno. At least she didn't make any choices without information and protection (she did wait for quite awhile before actually engaging in sex). I guess what I like about our relationship is that she doesn't want me to mother her, but she knows I have lots of answers and is willing to let me mother her to get the scoop.

[Liisa]

I have 2 girls ages 12 and 16 :

[zenmamasan]

Books sympathetic to a natural lifestyle out there for puberty?

Hi there. haven't heard much in this thread lately, and thought of you all as I was groaning silently persuing my daughter's selections from the library on puberty, being a girl, what's happening down there etc. I thought maybe some of you might have found books for budding adolescents {she is ten, always been a serious kinda kid - seems about 12 maturity wise.}

I am looking for girlhood books that honor this female thing, talk about the strong woman archetype {She has read some things from "Women Who Run With the Wolves") honoring your cycle etc. Am I crazy?

Perusing The Period Book" which has cartoons of tampons and nail polish bottles, and razors on the front cover, I am just pissed on "how you appear to others" , and the attraction thing is marketed so heavily. They throw a token expression in here and there about "girl power" but it is an empty slogan since all that is portrayed, overtly or subliminally, reflects our current cultures need to dumb girls down and prepare them to sell their soul just to fit in, look good, and be popular. Arghhh, I hate it!

There is such a fine line between the feminine thing being one of someone taking your energy, and you possessing it yourself. Talking about this kind of feminine power thing is sort of what I am looking for in a book for her. Not power on a sexual note, but something that gently exposes this whole fitting in, looking cool, talking on the phone all day about boys as a cultural dishonor.

Am I making sense, or are all you groaning at this point and thinking "Man, she needs to lighten up?"

But one has to honor that being a girl, or a woman for that matter, is about feeling your beauty within, and the power this holds for you. It isn't about denying the feminine.

So savvy mamas, have you found anything, a poem, a book, a story, a ritual I could bring her to, that I can present to her as an alternative to the current spate of pubery books out there?

With gratitude!

Julia

[gradmama]

Hi Julia,

Nope you're not crazy, nor do you need to lighten up - I think you are right on the mark. Unfortunately, I have unable to find anything that completely fills the boat. I did get them books that I felt weren't "awful," but I haven't found anything I thought was wonderful.

Sorry that I can't help, but I did want to respond, especially as you echoed my thoughts way more eloquently than I have ever.

[zonapellucida]

Originally Posted by rabbithorns

and she says she really wants to do acid (gee, I thought we used up the world's supply in the 70s),

DEAR GOD mine HS and want to make it for Chemistry this year

[IndyNanny]

I have a 13yo DD. We are very close. She and I have spent a lot of time together, especially over the summer. I'm a nanny and she came to work with me a couple times each week. She's a great "big sister" to the kiddos I take care of. I would love to home school her just to spend more time with her. What a fun thread!

[Rani]

My dd is 9. She has her dad's intellect and my stubbornness....

To answer a previous post about good puberty books, as much as I dislike American Girl - I do like their Care and Keeping of You book. It focuses on how you need to take care of your self with chapters on healthy eating, social situations, menstruation, etc. I have to say that it was NOT focused on outer beauty at all rather on good hygiene, etc.

I actually bought it for her when she was 8 and just put it on her shelf. This year she picked it up and reads it occasionally then we talk when she wants to talk about it. A low key...

Here is a link to it...

http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-Y...3691907&sr=1-1

Also, she really likes Chicken soup for the Preteen's soul...I keep reminding her she isn't technically a preteen yet which results in the eye roll....

Thanks for starting such a great thread!
Denise

[lilyfaith]

Thanks for the topic. DD is 9.

My own relationship w/ my Mom has its challenges -- as did her relationship w/ my Grandma. I am hoping to change the cycle.

:

[IndyNanny]

Originally Posted by sarabossen

Thanks for the topic. DD is 9.

My own relationship w/ my Mom has its challenges -- as did her relationship w/ my Grandma. I am hoping to change the cycle.

:

Good for you! I cannot put into words how much I value my relationship with my mom and with my daughter.

[cpop]

I am not a mom of teenage girls, but I just wanted to give you mamas a hug and say this:
I was a NIGHTMARE as a teenager: depression, self-harming, cutting school, drugs, driving accidents, horrible friends, smoking etc.
My sister (11 months older than me and in the same grade) and I HATED each other throughout our childhood and into highschool.
I made my parents lives a nightmare.

IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT. They didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure you aren't either.

If it helps I went to college, got straight As and am in law school now. I am married to a great man and have three beautiful children a stable home and an AMAZING relationship with my sister, and am very close to both of my parents.

I have just learned over the years (and periods and pregnancies including the last twin one: YIKES!) that I am very, very sensitive to hormone fluctuations and they make me literally insane.

So try to keep your kids safe, try to talk to them and stay close, but in the end so much of it boils down to neurochemistry. Don't beat yourselves up. Maternal guilt is something that teenagers can feel and I think it only makes them feel even more crazy because they aren't mature enough to handle the guilt but they know they are making you feel bad.

I'm sure you are all doing a great job and your kids will turn out great.

[smillerhouse]

I try my best to accept her, love her. She definitelly expresses a lot of indiviudation towards me and I try to be consistent and loveng and not react: some days/weeks are better than others. In genral, I try to be there for her,channel her energy in healthy ways and be her biggest source of encouragment and guidance. It cvan be exhausting. It remeinds me a lot of AP toddlers.Sallie, mom to a great 14.5 daughter

[SamuraiMom]

Haven't had time to read all of the posts, but I am subbing, For now we have a 9 yr old Dd, who I think resents the fact that our 2nd is a boy, but loves her little sister, and Dd/3 who loves and adores her older sibs. What I really want to share is this new level my eldest has moved to. DD has really become more of a girl in the last few months, as have many of her girl friends, but when we went to pick up her younger sibs at school yesterday, a couple of her friends came to the car to apologize for things they had said that caused her Bf to be mad at her and they told her to call her friend to clear things up, yk, rumer stuff. She wouldn't tell me what it was that they had said, in fact she refused to talk to me about it. In the end I could only let her know that I respect her space and that she didn't have to tell me a thing, but that she should call her BF and straighten things out right away, which she did. But I feel like this is new territory, and I recall this happening with another BF's older sister when she was dd's age, so this is where we are at, a new adventure in the life of a 9 year old!

[Blue Tulip]

I am the mom of 1 eleven year old girl. She's a spunky, fun girl who is friendly. So far, we're not having any pre-teen problems. *knock on wood*

She's very involved in her school's band program; she plays the clarinet. She loves music and is quite talented. Surprising, since my DH and i have not a musical bone in our bodies!

She is very much like my DH, so there are plenty of times I don't understand her. Our DS is much more like me, personality-wise.

[gr8tfulmom]

My girls are 11 and 12. R is your textbook first child, wants to please, cleans her room and has finally gotten on track again with school after the transition to middle school last year. M is spritely and funny as well as monumentally stubborn and has been known to fall into middle child syndrome. Which isn't all her, the 2y/o does spend a lot of time with me (I m the keeper of the booba after all )

Most of our conflicts have to do with school. Transitioning has been difficult, the elem is Montessori based but the ms & hs are intensely college prep, so it is much more work. I don't know if I would have made it through with all the work they do.

Friends are also another trigger. R has a few friends in the grade above her who she just met this year. She isn't friends w/ anyone in her grade (other than boys) and seems to be ok with it, though she tried to have a sleepover party and no-one could make it (3 out of 4 did call) so I'm not sure how great of friends they all are. M has a bully. She calls her names and that's the extent. We've done a bit of role playing. She has some phrases to fall back on as well as her favorite - silence and her death glare. Her friends do back her up though they are self titled 'The nerdy comic book goths' Funny thing is, none of them dress or look goth at all, they just think its cool.

They are both beautiful, smart girls but are having a hard time reconciling how to be yourself vs. being a popular girl.

I second the care and keeping of you, yes it does address shaving which I think is a bs social construct - but if they want to hey more power to them. We actually bought their first razors last week oy! The rest of it has been quite helpful over the last 2 years. Our copy is old and dogeared.

good heavens, M just said 'are you posting about me?' when I said yes she said 'well I need to know what your posting if I'm in it'....just so you all know, my post was approved