I have ask for advise here a number of times and it has been transforming. It has been a difficult year with my daughter but things are getting easier. Our morning routine is rarely anything but pleasant. Which before was just ...not.
I believe this is a developmental phase for her mixed with a bit more.
My dd is the eldest we have ds7 and dd 4
She is 9 yo and moved to a new school a year and 1/2 almost 2 ys ago. She is very very quiet and has now a couple of friends. Friends have been hard for her it is an ´international´school and kids come and go and two friends have left all ready as did a teacher she liked very much. The classroom has been together for 3 years now and there are strong group already formed and so making friends was hard but not impossible. We live in Brazil we came when my dd was 2 yo, moved from one part of the country to another. Some details about school dynamics, transient international students (10%), stable local students that are very elite and we are in the middle not transient speak language live in Brazil many years ect.., but new to the school definately not elite. Since she started there are sparks of interest in school and in her after school activities but she is generally unhappy with the school and her life at school. and she is a good student but it´s hard work for her. (it is the first time she is studing in an English language school)
Lately she seems more easily upset over small things, the wrong word, inpatient with siblings but having said that with recomendation from here that has really changed for the better.
I don´t know what is normal. I never really expected her to be so sensitive at this age though I read that it happens. Let say it about once every week a crying fit. I would feel ok if it was really about issue at hand but it seems like a general blow out about life.
School isn´t perfect and she doesn´t fit in completely, she doesn´t seem to be bullied, she does her school work and excell in certain subjects. She has two evenings a week doing volley ball which if frankly a group of neighborhood kids at the beach with a fun jolly instructor it´s for 1 1/2 hours it has been a life saver since we moved here. She doesn´t have to negociate much socially but still have fun. She loves it. I love the woman who organizes it.
I guess what I am saying/asking is this. I want to respect her difficulties but also recognized that they are part of life and as hard as it is she needs to resolve/accept...?
For example she said they `don´t respect me at the table` they have table of 4 children. This was after a bit of a crying tirade about doing her math home work (it´s extra homework and she is basically pist that she has to do it but she agreed and will be rewarded at the end of the year for the extra work for which she agreed). What does that mean I say ( I have be honest I didn´t have a lot of patience after the breakdown about the homework). She said `they said I put too much glue on something and I didn´t. I don´t fit in` . I said well what can you do about it, what do you want to do about? `I don´t know....loud at this point....I say sometimes the answer is now always right there but you have the power in you. School can crappy a times but you do have friends and friends in the classroom (she has one in her class).
I used to get draw into the drama arguing with her allowing my buttons to be pushed ect...after reading here and doing meditation. I am much better hence the drama is much less but I sometime do regress.....
I have to be honest I feel that it might be a way to distract from the homework and that school periodically stinks but there are ways to approach things in life. And she will need to decide which way she is going to. There seems to be a lot of self pity. Which is ok I guess .... if it´s only a phase but if is becoming a sort of view of the world...then that´s not ok. What do you do with that? We usually have a cool down/up period after these bouts of crying followed by self-pity woo is me kind of things, your this you never let me do that, life stinks.....
Just to add to the mix her 7yo brother has never been happier in school. He is the best student in the class, everyone loves him, he loves everyone. Before we moved here he was the miserable one, hated school crying all the time, only going to school twice a week. We actually made two trips to this city with him to help him transition. I know this affects dd that he is doing so well.
I also feel uncomfortable with her saddness because we have contributed to it by our life style. My husband´s job has required us to move a couple of times (this is our third city in Brazil in 7 years). And we will be moving back to USA for good in the next year or so. It is the challenge in our family that affects our dd the most. But it is our life. I grew up in the same house which is still in the family, didn´t have a passport till I was 23 yo. And that wasn´t a recipe for feeling accepted and understood. There are many families that have had similar trajectories and surviced emotionally.
I know I have gone on a bit but it´s just not easy to say.
Recapt.
- protecting self-esteem
- is this self-pity a phase or a something she has learned to distract her from something she doesn´t want to do...
-what can I do/not do
- my feelings of guilt reguarding our life style.
MLSantarem
I believe this is a developmental phase for her mixed with a bit more.
My dd is the eldest we have ds7 and dd 4
She is 9 yo and moved to a new school a year and 1/2 almost 2 ys ago. She is very very quiet and has now a couple of friends. Friends have been hard for her it is an ´international´school and kids come and go and two friends have left all ready as did a teacher she liked very much. The classroom has been together for 3 years now and there are strong group already formed and so making friends was hard but not impossible. We live in Brazil we came when my dd was 2 yo, moved from one part of the country to another. Some details about school dynamics, transient international students (10%), stable local students that are very elite and we are in the middle not transient speak language live in Brazil many years ect.., but new to the school definately not elite. Since she started there are sparks of interest in school and in her after school activities but she is generally unhappy with the school and her life at school. and she is a good student but it´s hard work for her. (it is the first time she is studing in an English language school)
Lately she seems more easily upset over small things, the wrong word, inpatient with siblings but having said that with recomendation from here that has really changed for the better.
I don´t know what is normal. I never really expected her to be so sensitive at this age though I read that it happens. Let say it about once every week a crying fit. I would feel ok if it was really about issue at hand but it seems like a general blow out about life.
School isn´t perfect and she doesn´t fit in completely, she doesn´t seem to be bullied, she does her school work and excell in certain subjects. She has two evenings a week doing volley ball which if frankly a group of neighborhood kids at the beach with a fun jolly instructor it´s for 1 1/2 hours it has been a life saver since we moved here. She doesn´t have to negociate much socially but still have fun. She loves it. I love the woman who organizes it.
I guess what I am saying/asking is this. I want to respect her difficulties but also recognized that they are part of life and as hard as it is she needs to resolve/accept...?
For example she said they `don´t respect me at the table` they have table of 4 children. This was after a bit of a crying tirade about doing her math home work (it´s extra homework and she is basically pist that she has to do it but she agreed and will be rewarded at the end of the year for the extra work for which she agreed). What does that mean I say ( I have be honest I didn´t have a lot of patience after the breakdown about the homework). She said `they said I put too much glue on something and I didn´t. I don´t fit in` . I said well what can you do about it, what do you want to do about? `I don´t know....loud at this point....I say sometimes the answer is now always right there but you have the power in you. School can crappy a times but you do have friends and friends in the classroom (she has one in her class).
I used to get draw into the drama arguing with her allowing my buttons to be pushed ect...after reading here and doing meditation. I am much better hence the drama is much less but I sometime do regress.....
I have to be honest I feel that it might be a way to distract from the homework and that school periodically stinks but there are ways to approach things in life. And she will need to decide which way she is going to. There seems to be a lot of self pity. Which is ok I guess .... if it´s only a phase but if is becoming a sort of view of the world...then that´s not ok. What do you do with that? We usually have a cool down/up period after these bouts of crying followed by self-pity woo is me kind of things, your this you never let me do that, life stinks.....
Just to add to the mix her 7yo brother has never been happier in school. He is the best student in the class, everyone loves him, he loves everyone. Before we moved here he was the miserable one, hated school crying all the time, only going to school twice a week. We actually made two trips to this city with him to help him transition. I know this affects dd that he is doing so well.
I also feel uncomfortable with her saddness because we have contributed to it by our life style. My husband´s job has required us to move a couple of times (this is our third city in Brazil in 7 years). And we will be moving back to USA for good in the next year or so. It is the challenge in our family that affects our dd the most. But it is our life. I grew up in the same house which is still in the family, didn´t have a passport till I was 23 yo. And that wasn´t a recipe for feeling accepted and understood. There are many families that have had similar trajectories and surviced emotionally.
I know I have gone on a bit but it´s just not easy to say.
Recapt.
- protecting self-esteem
- is this self-pity a phase or a something she has learned to distract her from something she doesn´t want to do...
-what can I do/not do
- my feelings of guilt reguarding our life style.
MLSantarem
for you and 
