2yo violent with peers

[SweetPotato]

My 21-month old dd has recently become very pushy with other kids around her age. She's suddenly very possessive of all her things (and things that aren't hers, but which she just saw and might want to play with later, etc.), and she reacts by hitting, grabbing, pinching, throwing things, and screeching at the offending child- who is often clueless and scared, as I would be too! I'm not comfortable with the idea of punishment, but I do try to bring her attention to how hurt or scared the other child is, ad I definitely try to run interference to keep everyone safe. I guess my question is whether it's worth it to even try to continue doing things with other little ones at this time, or if it might be best to just bow out of playdates and such for a while, until this phase is past. It's hard because these activities are often as much for me as they are for her, because I really NEED the adult interaction, but I feel like it's not fair to the kids if they really don't want to share and aren't enjoying it. We have a couple of friends with older kids (3-5 year olds) whom my dd LOVES, so maybe I should try to foster those relationships for now. What do you think? For those of you who've made it through to the other side, how long did this last?

[gaialice]

Hi Sweetpotato!
Definetely BTDT with my dd1. This phase lasted a long, long time with her, until she was about 3 and a half. It also started earlier than with your dd - in fact my dd started behaving like this when she was about 1.
I did not have the possibility of pulling her out of this kind of situation because I work FT and she was in daycare since age 7 months.
I think if I were in your situation I would say in no unclear terms that this is not acceptable behaviour and I would leave if she behaves that way. If you have invited people at your place - then it's more complicated....
At that age, it is not like she will learn and she will do different next time, they do not have good memory for this kind of consequences, but then if the interactions are not going well, they tend to spiral out of control and it is better to leave earlier than later....
Things that have worked for me:
1) While at the playdate, instead of chatting with the other moms (I hope you do not take it the wrong way) spend time facilitating your dd's interactions with her peers by explaining that if she wants to play with a toy that another toddler has, she needs to wait until the other's done or try to trade.
2) Practicing at home: You can model for her at home how to trade toys, how to ask for a toy gently etc. You can make a puppet show with a doll who grabs toys and another doll who's more gentle.
3) Try not to insist on how the other child feels. I really did this a lot with dd1 and I find now that this is actually not such a good idea. It makes her feel like she is bad. And feeling bad does not lead to good behaviour. She needs to feel good about herself. Hitting, grabbing is not allowed. It is not acceptable. Period. She certainly knows why. She is simply at a loss at how - not why - she can get what she wants without hitting. You are just there to teach her... tell her you trust she can learn and although it is difficult, she is capable of that and much much more.
Good luck to you!

[abac]

I found around that age, (and still do much of the time,) that ds played better with older children. They tend to be a little more understanding of his developmental level and have more patience to deal with these sorts of behaviors.

Do you have childless friends you could hang out with? Or those friends with older kids sound good, too. We've also had success here going out for a walk in the woods, where there are no toys to argue over and the kids can touch whatever they want.

[Danaoc]

We still have this issue going on with my 3.5 yo ds, and it started around 1.5. It's SOOO tough - I can relate to you because I really wanted to hang out with my friends and instead ended up isolating us a lot.

Things that helped:
1. Taught him immediately to say "Give me space please" or "Mommy, need help."
2. Taught him to give himself space with a toy that he didn't want to share.
3. Validated his feelings of frustration/anger if others take toys.
4. Finally, we did have to make a rule of leaving places if he did hit because he is now old enough to know and he does have a bit more (but not full) control of his reactions. I would then use a language, "I need for the other kids to be safe. And when you hit them, it is not safe for the kids. I understand that you are angry that someone took your toy. Next time you can ask for my help or you can let them know that you had it first."

Most of this is working for us, and he's putting a lot more of his tools into action but I'm still waiting for the hitting to stop. It is getting better as he gets older. I am reading a book on teaching your kids to problem solve called Raising a Thinking Child, and some of the focus is on empathy building. I am focusing a bit more on that because that had been lacking previously.
Best of luck!!!!!

[SweetPotato]

Thanks for the suggestions. The moms I hang out with are very hands-on, so we definitely don't just sit by and let the kids go at eachother. I hadn't given much thought to how pointing out the sadness, hurt, etc. of the other child might make dd feel bad about herself- that's an interesting point to think about. Playgroup is at our house next week, and I think I'm going to make a point of having several outdoor activities that the kids can do in the backyard- hopefully that will alleviate some of the stress about sharing toys. Will definitely be calling my friend sof older kids, too- it's nice to have people who can smile and say they remember what 2 was like (unforntunately, some of our childless friends have no clue was 2 is like- hanging out with us is giving them a does of reality, though I don't know whether they realize that it's normal and not a result of our "permissive" parenting)

[snowmom11]

It really is a 2 year old thing that will pass soon enough. I wouldn't take it super seriously-- just stick to the basic reinforcing of limits when she's interacting with peers. Keep it fun and pleasant. Don't hover and correct her constantly. If she's having a particularly bad time of it during an outing, just leave early (without framing it negatively or as punishment) and try it again another day. Good luck!