Ouch about the black and blue part! I was the non-carrying mom this time around ( I carried our first) and my entire arms up and down were bruised for 3 days. And my thighs, too, from balancing on the side of the tub without using my arms for 2 hours! Kind of evens the playing field when everyone's hobbling around for 2 days after birth...
Anyway, I'm the researching/planning/first carrying mommy, so here's what we did with our first to make the family "equal". We basically went over the top asserting that she is a real mom, since the rest of the world was going over the top telling us she wasn't. So it was super important to us to make her "more real" than I was, if that makes sense...hey, it worked for us:
Went to all midwife appointments together
Laughed about how she WAS soooo a part of the physical changes of growing a babe: weight loss with sympathy nausea, throwing up when I was upset about declining a prenatal test, tiredness, being the one who was "really" in charge of growing the child since I was so sick I couldn't move and she had to literally feed me pineapples and strawberries and sour patch kids for a good trimester
She was in charge of convincing the midwife to give me anti-nausea drugs and advocate for me when I couldn't
Last name is hers (this was for good legal reasons too, since if I dropped dead a court could still see that I perceived her as "real" family to the child)
First name reflects both of our backgrounds
She read to the tummy every night
She did the insemination
She installed the dang carseat
Traded all feedings equally so we wouldn't have to fight over who got to feed at first. we didn't breastfeed because 1. I had no desire to and 2. this kind of equality was our priority
Shared all other childcare as equally as work schedules allowed
Moved chairs over at mean family's shower so that DW could open presents too!!!
She read the pregnancy test
She announced the sex
Made sure we were as out as possible before the birth -- everyone at her work knew she was expecting, etc.
Had millions of talks about who should do what and made sure we were very comfortable with that
...can't think what else. Basically made it obscenely obvious that she was the mommy! This time around, we did do prenatal ultrasound and I found out the sex of the baby that she carried. So that was a very fun bonding experience for me and babe. I felt like I knew her.