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Anyone Regret Going from 1 to 2? - Page 3

post #41 of 76
I think it depends on your situation. With you, you consider your first son the perfect child. So yeah, another baby might totally rock your world and you might regret it if you have a difficult child. In your case, I think maybe having just one is best.

For us, I am in the same situation, but reversed. My son is beyond difficult and high maintenance. I adore him, love him with all my heart, but the thought of having another child just like him terrifies me. If I knew my next would be the same, I would not have another. But everyone says the second is often nothing like the first, so I have hope. We'll likely have another, but when DS is 3-5 years old where we can reason with him a bit more. He's not even 2 yet, so things are still very hard.
post #42 of 76
We were on the fence about having a 2nd and of course we don't regret it. I don't think anyone would say they would regret it as then they would not have their 2nd child and that's hard to fathom. I agree that the lifestyle changes with 2 are very, very hard. You cannot travel as much. Things are more expensive. You get even less time alone. Its harder to be patient when you've got 2 to discipline. I often feel that parents with 1 just don't understand how much harder my life is much the way you probably feel when talking to couples with no kids.

I've written a lot of posts on MDC on my perspective on having a 2nd. I think its mainly that the young years are hard and if you get through them...they are well worth it. I do sometimes think - gee, if I only had 1 I could go visit my friend in Seattle this summer. With a 5 year old AND 2 year old? out of the question! However, there are many joys of 2 that you miss out on if you stop at 1. Sibling love is amazing. My two defintely fight at times (and that could drive the Dalai Lama to a meltdown) but mostly, they play together and its absolutely wonderful. Its the little things - like when they sing and laugh in the car together, when they put on a cd and start dancing with each other. There's a fullness with 2 that we didn't feel before we had our 2nd.They learn from each other, they grow up knowing and understanding each other. Its extremely different having than a "playmate" I don't think I'm a worse parent now that I have 2, if anything I was hovering a little too much and also tolerating too much misbehavior from ds before I had 2. I'm also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now that dd is 2 - I've heard as they get older having 2 gets much easier. Also, I know its not a reason to have more kids, but I LOVE having a son AND a daughter and there's no way to experience both without having 2.

Good luck whatever you decide. My litmus test is if you think you cannot get over NOT having another, that means you must be meant to have more.
post #43 of 76
I also wanted to add that I dont' regret havnig my second. I do wish we had waited longer, my dd was still way to high needs and has had trouble adapting. I was out of commission for almost my entire pregnancy with Hyper emesis, and she really didn't have a parent for those months. I sort of regret not waiting, but i don't regret adding the second one.
post #44 of 76
[QUOTE=TranscendentalMom;9045527].

There's a sense of family with 2 that its hard to recreate with 1. QUOTE]

Wanna try rephrasing that???
post #45 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qestia View Post
I know kids aren't like dogs! LOL. It's just DS is such a dream (well, if you asked me at 10:30 last night I might have said otherwise), if I knew I could clone him I'd do it in a second. The second's bound to be a let down.
No, you are not bound to be let down. I thought the same about ds1 but ds2 is an even more calm, more easy baby than my first and my first really was an excellent baby.
post #46 of 76
I don't think I would regret the CHILD, ever, I would love and adore any child I had, but I might regret the way that decision impacts my overall life. If that makes any sense. I really want to focus on my career and school once DD gets a little older and I can't help but feeling another child would push me back to square one all over again.

I think I'd prefer to get far ahead enough first so that having a second child would do nothing but add good things to my life. After two years of caring for a child with special needs, who I love and care about more than anything else in the world, I selfishly want some time to allow myself to expand the horizons. Heck, I'm only 25, so if it's another 7 or 10 or 15 years until I feel like "Wow, I really, REALLY want another one", whatever! I want to want that child as much as I dearly wanted DD.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katheek77
but, in the works is an international trip, as well. The logistics of doing it (especially alone - DH is in the military, so I may be looking at Europe with a two year old on my own) with two or more children just boggles my mind. It's great for those who want it, but, for us, we just don't.
Tell me about it! we LOVE to travel, and we've flown with dd and gone on other family vacations. It felt *barely* worth it. Meaning, we just about had time between caring for dd and making sure she was fed, happy, entertained, not too sleepy, to actually enjoy ourselves. With two, there is no question I would not only have not enjoyed myself but pretty much wasted my money. Now, if I had the money for a nanny to take along, that would be different, but that ain't happening either! lol
post #47 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Uh, for serious? Where were you to give me that advice three and a half weeks ago, BSD???
I hope everything's ok. I also hope I didn't sound snarky. I was just being concise.

I wonder about this issue too. I was thinking of having a second, very seriously. Then circumstances demanded I get back in school and I lost all interest in having a second kid right now. I am interested in finishing my degree and doing another one. I think I might have wanted a second kid because I was so bored spending my days at home with a one year old. : And because the sole physical spark with my then-partner still-friend was the idea of conceiving. : : :

I love babies and get sad thinking that dd's baby days are over. If I did it again, I'd do some things very differently so I wasn't as overwhelmed and bored and isolated. But I wonder how much of my still thinking about a second is wanting to "do it right" and how much is because I really want another kid.

I think dd would be perfectly happy to be an only child. I think she'd be pissed off to have to share her spotlight, frankly.
post #48 of 76
While I do not regret DD, I do regret the quality time with just me and DS that we don't get much of anymore. DD is a big handful and needs my undivided attention a lot more than DS did at this age and i do find that i am a lot more stressed.
post #49 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom View Post
I agree that the lifestyle changes with 2 are very, very hard. You cannot travel as much. Things are more expensive. You get even less time alone. Its harder to be patient when you've got 2 to discipline.
well, from my perspective now with a 6.5 yr old dd1 and a 3.75 yr old dd2 it's hard for me to remember lifestyle changes being very much more difficult. there was an adjustment period of course, but i really didn't think the overall lifestyle changes were much more difficult.

dd2 came along when dd1 was 2yrs 9mo. it really didn't impede our traveling. dd2 was a better traveler than dd1 was an infant.

not sure about the things being more expensive. i did buy an ergo with dd2, but that was probably the best baby purchase i made with either of them.

i didn't get any less alone time. dd1 was very high needs as an infant and toddler (and still is) and was pretty much with me 24/7 except when i had to go take care of my dad after surgery. i had no alone time and had already sucked that up.

the thing i do remember is planting bulbs with dd1 in the spring after i had found out i was pregnant with dd2 and realizing that i would have to go back to square one on those kinds of activities.

it can be harder to be patient for me with my attention divided and those early months were a big learning curve for sure, but now they play together so well. they do squabble some, but they will go off and play together in another room. they're really good friends.

one thing i do have small regrets about is not having them closer together. i am not close in age to my sibs and we're really not very close now. i know that part of that is personality and circumstances, but i can't help but think the chances are greater for fostering closeness if they're close in age. it just didn't work for us to try any earlier because of family circumstances, but if the timing had been right i think between 2-2.5 yrs apart would have been ideal for our family. i didn't feel like i had all the time in the world, though. i was 39 when dd2 was born.

i say do what feels right for you, but for me i knew it was going to be a little scary stepping out into the unknown just like it was when we embarked on the adventure of dd1. it always is, but no regrets. i love having two.
post #50 of 76
I love both my children, obviously. However, things were so much easier with one. My kids fight a lot. Its difficult when they both need me at the same time. For example, when one has hurt the other which do I go to first: the one that is hurt or the one that needs discipline?

I wouldn't say I regret my son but there are days I wonder if I would have tried to have another had I known about what was to come.

I think I might have been happier if I had spaced them further apart actually (they are 3 years apart). My first is a very sensitive child and needs a lot of attention and care.

I don't think you should have a second child just because you think you should or because society tells us to have two kids. If you want another child then that is a good reason.

It doesn't sound like you really want another child rigth now though.
post #51 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch View Post
The issue for me was really guilt wrt ds. Ds is very attached to me/us, and us to him, and truth be told, having another child felt like betrayal. It took a long time and a lot of support from other moms to stop feeling like that. Plus, ds is still not very independent (he's 3.5, btw) when it comes to stuff like self feeding, dressing, and is nowhere near potty training, so that was a factor too. However, he is progressing in all of those areas and his therapists are all very pleased, so that also helped.
Finch - this was our concern also...my DD is also attached/behind in some life skills things and I was freaking out about things like how to cosleep with everyone safely in our little bed, how would my DD feel if I couldn't play with her right away, how would I handle two kids "needing" me at once, etc.

My adjustment to baby #2 was very easy - hers was not. That was really our major challenge. But now 11 months later, we all seem to have a good balance and we are a "threesome" now! LOL She mostly loves her little brother (I dropped him off early at daycare today so she and I could have some alone time together and she kept asking "where's the baby?" LOL)....and it's helped alleviate my guilt quite a bit. I think both of us kind of were scared at first "will mommy still love me?" "will we still be special to each other?" And what we did was find NEW ways to connect and have a special relationship.

I won't pretend it wasn't a struggle though - lots of playful parenting techniques to work out all those feelings. I let her beat up her dolls in the beginning to let her anger towards the baby out....I told her it was OKAY to be angry - but that she couldn't hurt the baby. And now she doesn't need to be angry anymore...

Sorry that's a bit OT but it was just a whole area that made me nervous before #2 arrived but now I know that it can be negotiated eventually.

good luck with #2!
peace,
robyn
post #52 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qestia View Post
why rock the boat? we have a perfect son (yes, he's perfect!!)--why mess things up?
Ummm...coming from someone who doesn't have a "perfect" child, I think you'd love your baby even if he was not "perfect."
post #53 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by teachma View Post
Ummm...coming from someone who doesn't have a "perfect" child, I think you'd love your baby even if he was not "perfect."
My dd was born with a heart defect and has always been perfect. I think your offense is misplaced.
post #54 of 76
Nope, absolutely no regrets! (I also don't regret giving myself five years of spacing between them.)
post #55 of 76
Wow, what an interesting thread! Here is my story

I never really considered having only one child. Both my dh and I have siblings and when I think about life without my brother, I feel lonely. AS soon as ds1 became a toddler, I started having baby lust when I saw a mom with 2.

BUT. My ds2 came a full year earlier than I had planned. Of course I love him and I have never regretted him. But I'll be honest. I was very angry about the pregnancy until the happy hormones kicked in during the second trimester. I found the transition from 1 to 2 much more difficult than 0 to 1. There is just no way to prepare a 2 yo for the fact that he's not going to get 99% of mom's attention any more. And there's no way to give number 2 the same kind of focused attention that first one got.

For me it was much easier to feel like a good parent to 1 child than to 2. (Why doesn't anyone ever tell you this??) "Lugging the baby around", or physical care, has not been the hard part for me. It is managing to give both children what they need from me emotionally. Certainly this is partly because I'm very introverted and both boys are NOT. Now, when I see a mom with three, I DON'T have baby lust. I'm glad it's not me. When I see a mom with a 3 yo and a 5 yo, I envy her. I want to get there NOW. (Not healthy, I know, I'm working on it).

Looking back, would I have had a second child? Absolutely, but I would have spaced them about 4 years apart. Will I have a third? Probably not. If I were younger, I might change my mind in a couple years, but I'm fast approaching 40. Maybe two is enough for me.

I have a close friend with mental health issues who is on the fence regarding a second child. She is a good parent, but my (gentle) advice to her has been to wait at least until the first is in school and she will be able to feel good about the amount of quality time she can give the baby.

I hope this post doesn't seem to be too negative. OP, it sounds to me like you want another but are hesitating to take the plunge. If you were happy about a pregnancy scare, well, wouldn't you be happy about a pregnancy? Babies are wonderful. I wish I had met my husband at 16 and could have had 6 babies with him (all spaced about 4 years apart haha). I you want one, go for it and don't let doubts scare you out of it.

And finally, both my babies were "easy" and have similar temperments. Personally I think it is a myth that the second one is sure to be so different from the first. I've gone one too long and it is OT, so I won't expound on that one any more.
post #56 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by lara1828 View Post
BUT. My ds2 came a full year earlier than I had planned. Of course I love him and I have never regretted him. But I'll be honest. I was very angry about the pregnancy until the happy hormones kicked in during the second trimester. I found the transition from 1 to 2 much more difficult than 0 to 1. There is just no way to prepare a 2 yo for the fact that he's not going to get 99% of mom's attention any more. And there's no way to give number 2 the same kind of focused attention that first one got.

For me it was much easier to feel like a good parent to 1 child than to 2. (Why doesn't anyone ever tell you this??) "Lugging the baby around", or physical care, has not been the hard part for me. It is managing to give both children what they need from me emotionally.
I was going to post the exact same thing.

Our second son was concieved a full year before planned. We were stunned and it was difficult to get excited about him joining our family. And when H. was born, while I loved him madly, I was full of regret. I felt like I had ruined both of my children's childhood by adding #2 too early. I had really bad PPD after H. was born and I think my regrets about adding another child was a huge contributor.

Fast forward almost 3 years, my sons are great friends and playmates and have a true deep love for each other. Yes they bicker and fight, but mostly they get a long great. And we recently welcomed our third child into our family and babe's and boys' transition has been suprisingly smooth (so far).

Looking back now I wouldn't change a thing about having a second and the timing of H.'s arrival. But going from 1 to 2 was really freakin' hard!!!
post #57 of 76
[QUOTE=katheek77;9045789]
Quote:
Originally Posted by TranscendentalMom View Post
.

There's a sense of family with 2 that its hard to recreate with 1. QUOTE]

Wanna try rephrasing that???
How about this...There's a fullness with 2 that we didn't feel before we had our 2nd. Sorry if that came off badly...I was trying to be as honest as possible but I do realize that not every family feels that way. I know several families who say they feel "complete" as a threesome.
post #58 of 76
*
post #59 of 76
[QUOTE=TranscendentalMom;9048816]
Quote:
Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post

How about this...There's a fullness with 2 that we didn't feel before we had our 2nd.
This is true for us, as well. But I took that as a sign that we were meant to have another child (truly wanted one). I also know many families that feel complete and full with one child.
post #60 of 76
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
My dd was born with a heart defect and has always been perfect. I think your offense is misplaced.
yeah, I didn't mean to offend. I was saying it kind of tongue in cheek, like actually I don't think many outsiders think DS is "perfect"--it's just a feeling shared by DH and myself, and not even myself nights he stays up past 10!!
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