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I want one more

post #1 of 47
Thread Starter 
I am not sure whether this belongs in Fertility, Parents as Partners, Family Planning, or where, so I'll put it here.

I am wondering if anyone here is in a similar situation. Because I am feeling pretty alone...

We have two boys, ages 4 and almost 2. I want one more child (I think ?). Three has always been my ideal number. Also, I am the third and youngest from my family. Three is what would feel complete to me. Two feels like stopping before I have finished.

I just turned 38. DH has been insisting on stopping at two since we had our oldest. He wanted to schedule a v. while I was pregnant with the second and I talked him down from it. Early this month, a close friend lost a son due to complications from birth. His response was to actually scheduled a v. He said he can't go through all the worrying again. I became an emotional wreck, because it was just too much for me to deal with. He has put it off until the beginning of the year when we will have better insurance and I have had time to get mentally stable so I can deal with it.

Since my friend lost her baby and DH put a deadline on this whole v thing, and my birthday which was also this month, I have been really depressed. My emotions are all over the place. I range from deep wrenching sadness, to logical acceptance, to resignation, to fierce burning anger, to desperation, then fear, to not knowing what to do, and then back to sadness.

Logically from the outside, it is easy to say that if the DH doesn't agree to another, it's not right to push for one. And I get that, I really do. And I get all of the logical reasons to stop at two healthy kids. There are at least 50 reasons to stop. I do. I get it. I GET IT !! I just don't feel it.

I think about all the things to look forward to about being done. Finally being able to stabilize my weight, getting the mercury out of my teeth, being able to find more supportive bras, more sleep, things just being easier in general. I want to be done too ! But, I want to be done after three kids. I want to have a wonderful feeling of "pop open the champagne, *it is finished* ! " And behold our beautiful, complete family. When I think of the idea of stopping at three, I feel filled with joy. When I think of stopping at two, I feel tremendously sad.

I don't feel good about pushing him for this. I want him to want it. I have some fears about dragging him into a third child when he is unwilling and has so many fears about it. My own biggest fear is that if something is wrong, if we have a miscarriage or stillbirth, a baby with chronic medical problems, or disabilities, or chromosomal issues, he will never forgive me. On the other hand, my fear about not having a third is that I will always feel that there is a child missing from our family, and that I will not ever be able to completely get over the fact that he shut the door and wondering if I should have fought for what I really felt.

I am coming around to realizing this is probably one of those situations in which I just will not get what I want regarding a very big thing in our lives. Accepting it is not easy because it just feels wrong to me.

Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this, and maybe try to figure out how to cope because I am truly at a loss. Thanks for reading.
post #2 of 47
I could have wrote that post, but we have only one son. I feel the same as you do. I grew up one of six kids, DH the youngest of three, and he insists that siblings are just mean and he doesn't want to 'subject' DS to that: .

I crave one, DH ademently doesn't want any more. When you both feel so strongly about an issue it's hard.

What makes me feel a bit better at times is to remember that I've commited to a life with HIM, regardless of who else comes along the way. I'd hate to have another without him wanting one, but I'd also hate for him to take drastic measures to ensure we DON"T have another. I feel like we should put the odds in his favour, but not rule out another entirely- i.e. let nature take its course. We are now using FAM with condom back up, I feel that's a decent comprimise, although we do have some issues to work out (like DH ALWAYS wanting a condom since he doesn't want to take ANY chances). Hopefully the more we use it the more he'll trust it.

I don't know where I"m going with this, but those are my thoughts and where we are on the "I want one more" issue. :
post #3 of 47
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It is really hard when there's no possible compromise -- you can't have half a baby. That said, I think that these:

Quote:
Originally Posted by llp34 View Post
I am pretty pissed that he decided for both of us long ago that two was it. I don't believe he has ever considered for a moment how I feel about it or what I want.
are some key sentences in your post. You feel that he's decided for both of you and that he hasn't considered your feelings/wants. That's a huge issue that, imo, should be resolved completely separately from the decision to have another child or not. Those are the kinds of feelings that can undermine a healthy relationship, so I think it's really important for you to figure out what is going on and where those issues are coming from -- in counseling if need be -- before trying to decide about adding another child. Good luck, sweetie.
post #4 of 47
Good luck to you on your decision
post #5 of 47


BTDT in a way, back when I was longing for a second child, hopefully a girl, so strongly that I was going rather obsessive about it.

What I did was write down my feelings, all of them, the pros and cons of having another, and how I felt about those too. Just writing it all down helped. I was acknowledging my feelings in a concrete manner. And it helped me to "get it out of my system" when all the strong feelings were keeping me from sleeping.

Then, eventually, I put it all into a long letter and gave it to DH to digest in his own time.

I also spoke to him, not judgmental about his feelings, acknowledging his feelings even, but also making sure that he knew my feelings as well.

Hope this helps in some small way.
post #6 of 47
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for the responses. I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.

Everything he's saying sounds so rational, and mentally healthy. He doesn't believe there is any truth to ideas that there are things we are supposed to do, or children we are supposed to have. These are all just preferences we may have and choices we get to make. On one side, I appreciate his rational approach and hope the process can help me disarm some of my feelings and responses that really carry me away and are causing me a lot of pain and distraction lately. No matter how this turns out, that can definitely be helpful to me. On the other, I do have some spiritual beliefs about things we are meant to do, people we are meant to have in our lives, etc. so I have a difficult time dismissing that there is any truth to those types of feelings. I also wonder if the sense of children we are meant to have is something that only women can feel ? And when we do feel it, are we all just suffering from compulsions and animal instincts to reproduce ?

Aaaaagh ! : Nothing like a little therapy to make you question your strongest, innermost feelings, eh ?
post #7 of 47
i wrote a post just like your last year. i KNEW i was meant to have another. i'd call my kids down for dinner and felt like one was upstairs sleeping or something. i'd take them to the grocery store and when i did a 'head count', i'd panic for a split second, b/c i felt like one was missing. dh was done with 2. one day i sat him down and told him that God has another for us, so he shoul prepare himself. he said 'well, congratulate the father when it happens, b/c it's NOT going to be me!' i said 'haha! funny! you better prepare yourself...!" A couple weeks later, i got pregnant. if you're spiritual and he's not, i think it's wrong of him to tell you that you'e wrong. who is he to know the truth, or what people feel inside? btw, i felt the same as you did... maybe i shouldn't push it, what if something happened and the baby was handicapped, etc. he'd always blame me. then a friend told me that you always have a craving for more babies, so i thought 'ok, maybe that's it', but i KNEW in my heart that it was more than that... i KNEW there was a third just waiting in heaven for me. i cried at the thought of them waiting for me, and me not receiving them. now that i have her, yes, i'd take anymore God gave me, but i don't have that intense desire for another... that KNOWING there's another waiting for me to be their mommy. i understand the emotions you're going through. it sucks! good luck, hon! (oh, and i never wanted exactly 3 kids, dh and i come from a family of 4 kids, and i always wanted an even number of children, not an odd number of children. so it's not like i went into this with a preconceived notion of how many i'd like.)
eta: (my dh would say 'how do you KNOW you're meant to have 3 kids, i'd say "i cna't explain it other than, do you know how you're a male? i know i'm a female b/c i can feel it. it's the same way. i know i'm meant to have 3 children, the same way i know i'm a female. i just know it. it doesn't make sense to me either hon, it's just how i feel and i'm not telling you this to talk you into having another baby. i'm telling you b/c your my husband, my friend and i need for you to understand how i feel, b/c i feel so strongly about it.)
post #8 of 47
Thread Starter 
Thanks for your reply - I am glad I am not alone in these feelings that there is supposed to be another child. It is a weird feeling to experience. I get what you mean about the headcount and that "oh no, one is missing !" feeling. And congratulations !

Actually it is not my DH telling me that is not "real", it is the therapist. He's saying that feeling sounds like a compulsion and that a compulsion is not a healthy reason to choose to have another. I get that. But I also wonder if it is impossible for most men to understand a mother's sense that there is another child waiting. Or if I was seeing a therapist who included spirituality in the counseling, if the approach would be different.

One thing I believe, and that is comforting to me, is that if we really are supposed to have another, it will probably work out. And that the involvement of a therapist who doesn't believe in that kind of thing won't affect the outcome. And there is probably a benefit to his approach for me. If I could feel less hysterical about the whole subject, that would be good for us all, regardless of what ends up happening. (see, I'm not crazy....the voices told me to cooperate with the therapist and everything will be FINE ! LOL)

Quote:
Originally Posted by jee'smom View Post
iif you're spiritual and he's not, i think it's wrong of him to tell you that you'e wrong. who is he to know the truth, or what people feel inside? good luck!
post #9 of 47
i just edited the end of my post and added more. did you see the whole thing?
post #10 of 47
i just read your reply... who in the h*ll is that therapist to tell you it sounds like a compulsion, instead of something you know in your heart? good grief! and yes, i agree, (and thought the same thing myself before i got pg), 'if the good Lord intends for me to have another, he'll see fit to make it happen!' good luck!
post #11 of 47
We had our 3rd this spring, and she is lovely. Now our family feels complete. 37 is older than many of her future playmates' parents but we are not by any means 'old'. I really think that being older is a reason to have more children, not fewer...as one poster pointed out, they are going to live more of their lives without parents than the children of a 20 year old. I hope your husband comes around.
post #12 of 47
Oh I have been meaning to post on this lately but just not sure exactly how to express what I am feeling. I can so relate!

I have two daughters, 4.25 and 2.25. I had a very long painful labor (27 hours) with the first but did it naturally in a birthing center. The second was an emergency c-section after 16 hours of labor. So my two less-than-positive birth experiences are a factor, in addition to VBAC worries.

We are also a low-income family. That won't be the case forever, but DH started over in a different field the year our first was born, so he's having to start at the bottom and work his way up. So finances are a concern. The kind of food we want to eat, the kind of experiences we want to have, one more person is one more ticket to everything.

To be the kind of parent I want to be, I just know I couldn't do it with more than 3 kids. Unless I spaced them 3 or more years apart. At 35, that means I really only have time for one more anyway before I'm considered high risk. Or am I already? I don't even know. Birth is so medicalized these days!

Weight: I have not lost a pound since my second was born. I am about 50 pounds overweight. So that is a factor. I know what I need to do, I just worry that I'll work so hard to get the weight off slowly and in a healthy way and then put it right back on again with another pregnancy. I only gain 20-25lbs during the pregnancy but I started out overweight both times.

Nursing: I want to allow my DD to self-wean so that is a factor. I just KNOW that I am not the type to be able to nurse through a pregnancy. I had supply issues with both of my DDs. Had to pump, use a supplementer, take meds, etc. Am I ready to go through that again?

All that goes along with being pregnant and then a parent of a newborn: the heartburn and ligament pain, the night wakings, the teething, the blowouts, the food messes, the pluged ducts, the endless toy cleanup, the colds, the crying, the sheer WORK of caring for a child through those first few years is somewhat daunting to me. But there are so many joys as well . . .

So I guess I'm weighing the pros and cons almost daily and coming up with a different answer moment to moment. When my 4 y.o. is ordering me around and crying over every little thing, and my 2 y.o. is drawing on everything with crayon and peeing all over the house I sometimes feel like NEVER AGAIN.

But when we're all snuggled up together or when I feel those little arms around my neck, I look down at my belly and think, "Am I really never going to be pregnant again? Am I really done?" When my older DD says spontaneously "I love you mommy" or "Mommy you're my best friend" that knocks me out! Or when my younger DD looks at me when she's nursing in a way that says, "You are my universe" how could you help but want to be someone else's universe too?

Help! I want to know too. How do you know if you really want one more or if you're over-romanticizing? How do you convince DH especially after you've said to him, "I'm done," on several occasions.

The other factor is that I just feel like my kids are so amazing . . . how could we not want to bring another smart, loving, talented, beautiful child into the world?

I guess I could just stick to my original plan of becoming a foster parent when I'm ready. My DH was in and out of the foster care system and it quite literally saved his life. We have always wanted to pay that forward. And also we know not all foster parents are great parents so we want to tip the scales in that direction in a small way if we can . . .

-Vijay
post #13 of 47
Thread Starter 
I did now - thank you

No matter how this turns out this is helping me feel better that I'm not just off my rocker for feeling this way. Or that if I am, I'm not the only one

Maybe I can convince DH that while this desire for a 3rd is a form of insanity, just giving in and having another might be cheaper than the years of therapy it would take to get me over it if we don't ? (kidding !)

Quote:
Originally Posted by jee'smom View Post
i just edited the end of my post and added more. did you see the whole thing?
post #14 of 47
I could have written the original post as well. I have a son from a previous relationship and my Hubby has a daughter from his previous marriage. For six years, I've wanted a child that was ours. It's just not gonna happen, though. We're got a ton on child support and alimony to pay out monthly to my stepdaughter's Mother and, in my Hubby's reasoning, if something happened to him (not a completely unfounded fear- we almost lost him two years ago and he just hasn't been the same since then), then I would not be able to support myself and my son unless we moved to one of the neighboring, high crime towns, so why would he throw another child in the mix? So I'm praying for an oops someday. :
post #15 of 47
I have the same feeling. I am currently TTC #2. I am one of three, so I know where it comes from. I just think it sounds kinda lonely only having two kids. DH sees it as one more mouth to feed, clothe, and send to college. I think our partners see it as more of an issue of finance and practicality. Also, DH is one of two, and his sister was not happy about getting a sibling. If we settle on just two kids, I really hope I can live with that, but I do also have that strong feeling that I'm meant to have more than two. I'm glad I'm in good company!
post #16 of 47
Quote:
I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.
This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?
post #17 of 47
Quote: I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Meiri View Post
This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?
Good questions. I've also wondered if I should see someone, either by myself or with my Hubby about it, but I wondered what they might say.
post #18 of 47
I can totally see a counsellor helping someone to work through why she wants another child if there's a conflict, but I think that ultimately both partners should be discussing the issue--with the counsellor's assistance to keep the discussion on track and fair.

For me, back when I was longing for DD with my whole heart and mind and soul, writing it out helped. That Mother Nature helped out didn't hurt either though. But in the meantime, DH and I had some big discussions--or rather, he listened while I shared my feelings, then shared his concerns, which I then acknowledged and answered (refuted in some cases, simply acknowledged in others).
post #19 of 47
We now have 3 ds, shortly finding out that we were pg with #3 my dh completely changed. He was moody all the time and very distant from me, not at all how he reacted with our other 2 pregnancies. Shortly after we had ds #3 he let me know that he hadn't really wanted any more children after the two we already had. Well, I was completely stunned! What? We had a miscarriage a year before we got pg with #3 and then had actually tried to get pg on purpose. He had months and months to tell me that he really didn't want anymore. So after we had our ds and brought him home, he didn't have much to do with him at first. I mean he held him and kissed him but none of the excitement was there for him. Well...a few months later we had a huge blow out fight, he informed me that he never wanted any more children that the only reason he "gave" me this child was because he knew I wanted another and especially after the m/c. I just couldn't believe he was telling me these things, we had tried for 6mo to get pg! He had plenty of time to voice his concerns then. I know all this has to do with our finances, we really don't make that much money but we don't go without the things we really need either. It took some time but you couldn't tell by looking now that he ever had any negative feelings. He's definately more "hands on" this time around that he was with our other 2 boys. And even makes comments about us having a 4th! Now, I try not to get too excited just incase he changes his mind, but I truly feel like he really wants another one. I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should. I try to get him to understand that I'm happy without all the expensive things in life he seems to think we need, but I feel that he measures his worth as a husband and father by the things he can provide for us. I hope your dh can listen to you and really take into consideration your feelings before he actually goes through with the V. Good Luck Momma!
post #20 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by adamsfam07 View Post
I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should. I try to get him to understand that I'm happy without all the expensive things in life he seems to think we need, but I feel that he measures his worth as a husband and father by the things he can provide for us.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I was surprised how many people posted along the lines of their Husbands not wanting another for financial reasons.
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