I want one more - Page 2

[Meiri]

I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should.

In families in which they are the "breadwinner" most definately. It goes with the territory.

I wonder if the men in families with duel incomes feel the same pressure.

[PGTlatte]

Very true....perhaps if we lived in a different type of culture, or were in a type of counseling with a different approach, the therapist would be wondering about my DH's "compulsion" to make sure we don't have more, and trying to figure out where that was coming from.....

Originally Posted by Meiri

This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?

[PGTlatte]

I believe his concerns are a little about money, but more about our time and energy. Sometimes it seems like both are stretched very thin with our kids now. Our older child is quite high-needs and it just takes a lot out of us to care for him. He is ready for life to get easier. He is ready to be out of the little kid years. In his mind, another baby means starting over with stuff that to him seems hard.

My feelings are that the investment of time, energy, and money that we make now in caring for our young children is returned many times over, for the rest of our lives. So while I agree that it is work and sometimes it is very hard work, it is very rewarding, and worth every ounce of effort.

Originally Posted by Meiri

In families in which they are the "breadwinner" most definately. It goes with the territory.

I wonder if the men in families with duel incomes feel the same pressure.

[jee'smom]

i'm in a duel income family and can tell you that my dh is definately the worrier about money!

also, he's going to be a state trooper soon and make alot more than he was (he's in social work right now) and i asked if he'd want more kids with the extra income and he said that it's not just about the money, it's about the time investment too. he wants to give the 3 we have quality time and the more kids you add, the thinner your time is stretched.

[mary3mama]

I had 2 boys (now 8 & 4) & really, really felt the pull of another spirit. Initiallt (and for about a year) DH disagreed. I just kept telling him what I was feeling & we kept talking. Finally he agreed to be open to it and now I'm sitting here nursing our nearly 9 month-old daughter. :

[fantesia28]

I can so sympathize as I am trying to work through a similar situation with my DH. We also have two children and I want a 3rd while by DH doesn't really want anymore. I really truely feel like I have a child missing - if this is a crazy/obsessive feeling then there are alot of crazy people out there.

I don't feel like this feeling will go away and am trying to figure out what I need to do/say to my DH to really help him understand. Though, I am sure he does as this conversation comes up very frequently in our house.

I guess I really wish I knew what DH is thinking as he says he doesn't want anymore, but sometimes he thinks things that he doesn't necessarily share with me if that makes sense? It's kind of like when we wanted a new puppy - he said no over and over and finally he agreed. He now loves the dog and she is part of our family. I guess I just wish I knew if he would change his mind you know.

We have casual conversations and ones where he jokingly will say "let's make a baby" only to go and grab a towell (I know, TMI). At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no. I know that he knows this is a very real topic for me and that it's not going to go away - he even said that this weekend when I apologized for bringing this up constantly. He said he knew it was still going to come up.

I truely wish that he would just change his mind and agree.

On a side note: I wander if dreams come true?? I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant with Twins (a boy/girl).

If anyone has a thoughts on what to say/do to help the situation I would greatly appreciate hearing them and I look forward to hearing more on this topic.

[PGTlatte]

My DH has done this too. He has times when he has the "urge" to make a baby. But then later after the urge has passed he hopes it didn't happen and become even more resolved that he doesn't want it to.

When he treats it casually, it really tears me up. My hopes go swinging wildly up and then come crashing down. It hurts when he treats this lightly because it is such a huge thing to me.

Originally Posted by fantesia28

At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no.

[fantesia28]

I understand what you mean... as my husband does the same things. In fact, we always use the pull out method and one time late last year we dtd while I was on my period and he didn't pull out as he knows that you can't get pregnant while on your period "typically". He said that the next day he was kicking himself for doing that and has never done it again. If only he would have done that the month I ovulated on day 8!! :

When he makes jokes about it - sometimes it really hurts because it's like he doesn't understand how much I want this. Other times it makes me think - maybe he is thinking about it, maybe he will change his mind. Afterall, if he was sure he was done why would he make comments about having another one or what would we do if we had another in this situation, etc. That is when I truely don't understand and am hoping that i am not setting myself up to be hurt alot based upon the fact that i am getting my hopes up over nothing.

[PGTlatte]

Me too. Part of me wants to keep a little flame of hope burning inside, that this can work out for us to both be on board with having another child. But I am almost too afraid to keep up any belief in this, no matter how small, because it may very well end up that it won't, and I will end up with a corner of my heart broken off.

Originally Posted by fantesia28

... That is when I truely don't understand and am hoping that i am not setting myself up to be hurt alot based upon the fact that i am getting my hopes up over nothing.

[twogreencars]

I was exactly where you are. DH did not want kids. I did. Close to 30 I said - kids or no relationship - we'd been together 7 years at that point. We had DS. He then said fine to another. We had DD 3 years later. When DD was 2-3, I wanted another. He said NO MORE and gave lots of excuses. Like you, I felt something was missing. To make a long story short, I tried to convince him for years. I just felt this big hole, where #3 should be...DH talked about having a v. Finally AFTER YEARS, he agreed to try. It was TOUGH going as we were both "ancient", but last year, we had DD#2. DS was 12 and DD#1 was 9. The baby is AN ABSOLUTE JOY! It now feels like everything is complete (babywise, that is!) and DH and I both feel like she is what was missing.

Good luck, I do know what you are going through!

[sammythecat]

I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact) waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

[shellyma]

I have been watching this thread with great interest as I am also in the same position.

We have three children and I desperately want another. I love being pregnant, despite the SPD and MS, and I love the newborn stage, feeding during the night, slinging etc, and I also love when they become that little bit more independant. My DP says "no way". I resent him already for not letting me complete our family, but what can I do? I can't destroy our family because of it. But I am so upset and depressed about his decision, because he has all the power. It is not a financial issue for us, he simply says he doesn't want anymore.

My closest friend gave birth yesterday and I am afraid to go and see her and the baby because I know it is going to push me into a deeper depression. I am very happy for her but it will just remind me that I won't get it again. I realise I am very lucky to be able to have children at all, and I am completely grateful for the ones I have, but I still have a hole in me.....

Shelly

[maybebaby]

Here too seems there are lots of us

But I was in your (op's) shoes 6 yrs ago...we got pg with #3 when my body decided to ovulate super early lol (that's what you get for assuming you're a FAM expert ) and I thought I'd be done. Then a while later the old baby longing started and we had #4. I was sure I would be done, but now here I am again feeling the need for #5. Will it ever end lol Dh says no...but then when I go to give away the baby clothes he says "you never know" lol

I agree that men seem to focus on the time and money issues mostly.

I also agree that the therapist is a bit off to be calling it a compulsion. But then, I'm of the mind that if it's meant to happen, it'll happen and there are some things we're meant to do we have no control over.

I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted :

Good luck ladies!

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by maybebaby

I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted :

No, no ducking. It's true. I just wish I could convince my Hubby of that.

[jee'smom]

Originally Posted by sammythecat

I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact) waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

i knew that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by jee'smom

i knew that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?

I always thought I was supposed to have a girl. Whne I was four months pregnant with my son, all of a sudden I "knew" he was a boy, and it was comfirmed about two weeks later and I spent the rest of my pregnancy with similar thoughts- What if it was a "mistake" and God meant to give me a girl? What if God realizes his "mistake" and takes him back? Then, when I married my Hubby and got my stepdaughter, I thought, What is this is God's way of giving me a little girl? What if this is the only little girl I'll ever have, this daughter who will never be my daughter? I love both my children more than anything. IO would not give my son up for the world, wouldn't have even thought of trading him for a daughter, once I knew who he was (at four months pregnant). And I love my stepdaughter no less than I would love her if she was my "real" child, but it's just not the same. She's not "mine", she's another woman's. We're not "allowed" to have a Mother/Daughter relationship, although I can't imagine us being closer if she was my "real" daughter. I've always "known" that I would have a daughter and she would be named Hannah. I sure hope I'm right.

[twogreencars]

It is weird. With DS 12 years ago, he was supposed to be a girl. But guess what, he wasn't.

DH and I do feel that DD#3 is the girl we were waiting for 12 years ago. Weird, eh? She's the spitting image of her brother and we named her the name we were going to name DS had he been a girl. She's the same Chinese and astrological signs, too. Same mellow personality. It feels like she was waiting all this time to join our family. Weird.

[Birth&Bunnies]

Dh had a vasectomy the end of July. This was after a couple years of him giving me time to accept it. We decided to use the 12 condoms we bought for after and then be done with protection. We have changed insurance and will have to wait to test his count. I have always wanted another, while not always ideal in some areas of life. Dh doesn't like kids, just our dd. We have talked about adoption of a 2-4 y.o. since the baby phase is apparently a big obstacle for Dh. I want to start the ball even if right now is busy/stressful since it takes so long by then things will have calmed down in the adjusting to a new job department. Dh isn't sure, and since the process is arduous, you really have to be sure. Now I'm actively keeping track of cervical mucous and other cycle symptoms in the hope that there are some swimmers around.

[AugustineM]

I love this thread. I actually set the table for 5 people twice in the last week, even though there are currently only 4 in our family.

I just know there is another soul out there that I am meant to birth.

Luckily DH is on board, though somewhat tentatively at the moment. We're not going to TTC for another 6 months at least. I would like my youngest to be almost 2 when I get pg again.

OP -- I must say that I personally feel it is a bit unfair for your DH to be so adamantly against another child, when it is obviously truly very important to you. GL

[fantesia28]

Augustine,
I have to say that I totally agree - I also think it's unfair for our DH to make this decision for us... BUT, I also don't know that I think it's fair to force them into something if they truely truely do not want any more kids.

Congrats on being able to TTC soon!

So last night we had a conversation that went like this:

So last night after the kids were in bed I kept contemplating saying something to my DH about not trying for a baby, but not preventing. I had decided that the timing just wasn’t right as I didn’t just want to bring it up out of nowhere. So… we were laying in bed and the perfect opportunity came – my hubby rolled over and told me he loved me and I said, “how much do you love me”. He replied, not enough to have a baby. L So… I then took his opening line to say, well since I really want a baby and you are not sure if you do or don’t want a baby at this point. Why don’t we try something new- How about we not try to get pregnant, but maybe not be overly cautious all the time and see what happens. I said, maybe we should leave it in God’s hands – then he proceeds to say, that doesn’t make any sense (he caught on too quickly), plus I have “super sperm” and one time will get you pregnant. I told him that wasn’t true and he said, but don’t you remember we only tried “once” for our son and you were on top (I know too much info) and you got pregnant that time. He said, I thought I might have gotten to try more than once!! So I said, well I am almost 10 years older now and things just don’t happen that quickly when you are older – he says, but I always heard that you couldn’t get pregnant with a girl on top because of gravity – that wasn’t true. I said, well you shouldn’t believe everything that you hear, because common sense would say that you can get pregnant either way!! I said we could just try having casual bd once in a while and see what happens, it might be fun. J He said, yeah and then we will be broke. L I proceeded to say, well life is way too short not to fulfill your dreams and we wouldn’t be broke forever (we really have enough money anyway) and when the kids are all older we will look back and say I am so glad we had all of our kids. Afterall at that point I told him he would thank me for talking him into having another child because he would definitely miss that one if he/she wasn’t there. At that point he was falling asleep or at least acting like he was – so I don’t know if he was thinking or not. L He didn’t totally reject the idea, but didn’t say yes either. He really just focused on having super sperm. So… now I am totally analyzing this conversation looking for clues to a yes, when in reality I don’t think he really every implied a yes, didn’t necessarily argue though and outright say – I don’t want anymore kids.

I truely am looking for outsiders insight as to how you think the conversation went. He really didn't say anything either way and then went to sleep. He could have been thinking anything.

I think I was so insecure with his response that I then went on to dream he was cheating on me. I know in real life he is not, it just must have been my subconcious dealing with the feeling of being alone on this topic.