Scared of my depression

[wwisdomskr]

I'm in a bad place and need to seek some knowledgeable advice.

I guess the most important factors are that I am breastfeeding my 21 month old dd and am 28 weeks pregnant with another baby.

It's been an extremely difficult pregnancy...as all of mine have been, wrecking havoc on the whole family. This one was unplanned, which makes the challenges that much harder--I'm ashamed to admit.

I've been overwhelmed and struggling for sometime, but have recently been getting to a frightening spot more quickly and more frequently. I guess I'm basically still okay...because my rational voice still has some power and I can rationalize that even if I feel like a terrible and worthless mother, wife, person who only causes hardship and heartache...I know that harming myself would only cause more pain. I can't bear the thought of my daughters blaming themselves...or wondering what was wrong with them or why they weren't "enough." And, this unborn baby deserves the best chance at life that I can offer.

I've so far been able to grit my teeth and exert my reasoned intelligence through these spells of hopelessness and despair. It's painful and traumatic and I worry about the effects on my children...and this worry and GUILT sometimes trigger another downward spiral.

I'm in a "helping profession" as a minister...and that just makes all of this more complicated and difficult. Luckily, I don't have a congregation, and haven't been working for months, etc.

I'm planning another homebirth, and so, don't have access to an hcp with prescribing authority. I have military insurance, but can no longer go to the base because I switched plans to have my last home birth. I don't have a civilian primary care provider. I don't have anyone with whom I have an established relationship.

I'm having a hard time reaching out to my midwife and to other people who may be able to help...that I know personally. It's just so hard to admit that I'm not okay.

What should I do? What kinds of treatments are available when you're both breastfeeding AND pregnant?

[Jane]

Well, if you want information but are afraid to "reach out"...you can always use a "friend". Call your midwife today - this is something to page her about, IMO. Ask for a referral to a mental health professional - for a friend if you have to use that.

I take antidepressant medication myself, so it's obvious I don't have a problem taking it when it's indicated - like all medications, there are sometimes clear indications and sometimes its possibly helpful, and sometimes contraindicated. There are safer options for pregnancy and breastfeeding.

Totally safe for your situation - exercise, sunlight, sleeping in complete darkeness, sleep intervals of at least 4 hours interrupted, omega 3 oils/fats, vitamin and mineral rich foods (including meat, if you eat it), counseling, therapy, love. Thinking of you.

[memiles]

Postpartum Support International (http://postpartum.net/) is a wonderful resource. You can do a search from the site for your state, and it will list a state coordinator and a phone number you can call to get some phone support as well as local resources.

I'm thinking of you.

[tlcdoula]

I would call the midwife immediately and let her know what is going on. If she is unable to help or find you someone who can help then I would start looking for a hcp. I can understand not having one, but for this you might need to start the search and start a relationship with one.

I have had bouts of depression at times - had a serious round after the birth of my third daughter and did nothing about it but grinned and beared it and it lasted a long time. Then when I was pregnant with my seventh I again had a huge round of it again - this time I was put on antidepressants to help control it because it was bad. When I went to see my regular hcp (whom I had a relationship with) he thought that my depression couldn't possibly be as bad as I said it was because I functioned very well (that is very typical of me - when I have stuff to do I function but in down times I struggled terribly). Anyhow he didn't believe me and basically told me to go home and rest, so I had to seek another hcp (thankfully my family forced me to find someone else). Anyhow, my point is that sometimes even with a relationship the hcp isn't helpful and we need to find another one.

Please do not let this go and seek help even if that means finding a new provider.

[wwisdomskr]

Thank you for the support, advice and the pm's with local resources. I really appreciate it. I'm trying to take positive baby-steps.

[krystyn33]

to you. I've had difficult depression periods in my life, so my heart goes out to you.

Do you have access to acupuncture? If you suspect a biochemical/hormonal issue at work acupuncture can have powerful results in lifting a depression--and (with a well trained practitioner) it is safe during pregnancy/nursing. Acupuncture treatments rapidly resolved my intense hormone imbalance when I went off the pill many years ago.

Best of luck to you--I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.