PPD and the older sibling

[soybeansmama]

I am 5 weeks post-partum and I have had ppd symtoms that seem to be coming from my feelings toward my older son.: : :

I am feeling weird feelings toward him that I have never felt before. I don't want him near me. We are tandem nursing and every time he latches on I grit my teeth and clench my fist. His whiney voice and his behavior have me feeling like I want to jump out the window most of the time. I try to spend alone time with him as much as I can, but it doesn't seem to help him feel better. He wants to be with me ALL THE TIME!!!! I have been so upset over this today. He didn't want to go to preschool with daddy today and I had planned to go to farmers market alone with the baby. When I told him what the plan was for the day he flipped out. Followed me to the bathroom, jumped in the shower with me and wanted me to pick him up. I have such anger toward him and I know he senses it. he is one of the most perceptive 3.5 year olds that I know. He is naturally more emotional and sensitive than others and I know that he wants to feel secure and content with all the changes that are occuring in our lives...I just feel so tapped out.: And the way he has been acting has made it an even bigger challenge for me to be patient. I have screamed at him like I never thought I would and the other day I pulled his hair because he wouldn't stop poking the baby. I feel such mamabear feelings right now and I am trying to have better control over what seems like easily provoked, knee-jerk reactions. I am totally ashamed of myself. I feel like I am failing...

Anyone else feel these feeling toward their older children? I am not sure what to do from here.

[EyesOfTheWorld]

I had the same issues with my older DD when the baby was born. I'd had my heart set on tandem nursing but I weaned her 2 months PP because I seriously needed my space and my anger with her was affecting our relationship. I'm not recommending weaning unless that's what you feel will help, but sometimes you NEED that space. Have him go with Daddy to preschool or wherever. I'm all for AP, but if you're becoming resentful they know (especially AP kids)! It took me awhile to see that going out for a cup of coffee with the baby or even a beer with a friend would make my daughter a little upset, but then the whole next day we'd get along so much better. I felt so relieved to have gotten out, and she'd sense it, and life just went much smoother. Some Daddy time did us a world of good.

You aren't alone!

[soybeansmama]

thanks mama...just hearing that I am not alone is comforting. If he is to do anything away from me right now it would be "forced" He literally will not do anything without me willingly. I am not comfortable with the idea of bribing him to get in the car with his dad, or holding him down in his carseat. I am ready to sneak out early in the morning with the baby before he wakes up...OMG, tell me that it gets better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

I am ready to walk myself to the mental institution just to get away. I am daydreaming about a psych ward vacation here...something is wrong with this picture!!!

thanks for listening.

[kalisis]

Not a lot of time, but I could have written your post about DS when DD was born. I wanted so badly to tandem nurse and I did fo, more 8 months, but wow, am I glad it's over. Our relationship is SO much better, just because I don't have constant pressure and fear "when's he gonna ask next??"

I got some help mama, in the form of therapy, psychiatrist and drugs. It was badly needed, but your situation isn't mine.

Get yourself some help, talk to someone.

Can you get some time alone? Even withjust the baby? I know, my first instinct was to try to spend as much time with DS, but what really helped was giving myself some space from him. Then, the time together was good.

[daniedb]

Yep, my PPD manifested in lots of ways, including being very irritable and short-tempered with Henry. I knew that there was no way I was content with leaving things that way, and sought professional help. I now have a psychiatrist that I respect very much, and take Zoloft for depression, and Xanax as needed for anxiety. If you don't have a moral objection to meds, I would definitely recommend getting to a care provider ASAP and asking for some samples to see what works for you.

[soybeansmama]

It helps so much to hear from you mamas! I am ok with the meds idea...I have been medicated in the past for anxiety and depression. It has been years since I have needed that kind of help. We are uninsured and waiting for medi-cal to go through. I will get to the doctor as soon as that happens. my midwife who attended my homebirth has lots of experience with ppd. she has been good to talk to. we had a traumatic birth so I think we are all processing it as a family in our own way. I have been praying for patience...

heres our birth storyhttp://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=722895

[soybeansmama]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=722895

did it work that time?

[EyesOfTheWorld]

Oh wow, what a birth story!!! I was literally in tears at parts. Woke up my husband sleeping on the couch. You and Atticus are amazing. But that's A LOT to process, for everyone.

I had a traumatic birth story, but not to the extent of yours, and I do believe it affected my PPD. A lot of it had to do with my guilt about having to leave my older dd to go to the hospital (home birth transfer/ c-section) along with other issues. The hostile feelings really took over the love and affection I felt for both children at times, and I totally fantasized about escaping to a mental ward too! At certain points with my husband at work, us stuck inside, the older one driving me crazy (and me not thinking rationally about her behavior) and the baby colicky, I thought I'd lose it.

But yes, it does get better. Of course, your time will vary, but it got better little by little for we moved exactly a year postpartum. I was able to let go off all the negative feelings and only let postive energy follow us to the new house. I'm not suggesting you move, but maybe some change would help? Dye your hair blue? I also did a good bit of meditation and, as I mentioned before, got out of the house by myself (or with just baby)! It does wonders.

Oh, and I wanted to stress that I didn't mean forcing him into his car seat. I'm totally against that too. I just meant there were times when given a choice my dd wouldn't have wanted me to go without her, but if I didn't I would have had a breakdown, or worse. And whenever I knew I *needed* to get out of the house, I'd come back an hour later to her and daddy playing happily.

This WILL end! There are tons of resources and ideas in this forum for all sorts of remedies and meds, mediations and excersizes. It was invaluable to me when I was in the thick of it, if for no other reason but to not feel alone.

[soybeansmama]

eyes, thanks for your words...I appreciate your suggestion about CHANGE. I was just discussing this with my MW yesterday when she was here for a visit. I feel like my comfort zone is so far away from me right now that why not do the things that I have been putting off because I have been to content to change. Sometimes these things are better processed when done all at once. I quit my job of 5 years 2 weeks ago, I am reaching out to new friends, I am working toward driving (anxiety disorder has kept me from getting a drivers license) and just really changing my perspective about so many things. I wish we could afford to move...we are all crammed in a 1 bedroom house! Oh yeah, and my hair was blue in high school (and hot pink, and purple, etc. I miss those days)

My son and I are doing so much better the last few days. My DH and I have decided that we need to be better about routines and clearer about our expectations. I don't think that it mattered before to Sawyer, but he seems to find routines comforting these days. I guess it makes sense. Afterall, his world has been turned upside down too.

I wanted to mention, too, about the separation from older dc. That was hard on both of us. And confusing for Sawyer. "mom, why did you have to go to work with the baby?" Is what he asked me when he came to see us. He was asleep before the paramedics came and woke to find his family gone and the neighbor watching him. We didn't mention the hospital at all to him because of the HB, and I am wondering if we should have discussed the possibility with him before hand. He has such a hard time being away from me, even when he is in familiar places with familiar people without me there. I am hoping that it all fades away at some point and that I can't be patient in the meantime.

I am off to get some much needed sleep. Just wanted to tell you that I appreciated what you had to say.

Jessica

[Kindermama]

Jessica,
If you are interested in homeopathy, I might be able to help. PM me and we can chat more.