Principal asked me not to BF at school!

[hubermel]

I'm in Michigan where we have very little protection for BF. I'm trying to devise a strategy in response to my son's principal who asked that I not BF at his school.

Principal breastfed her kids and says she is okay with it, but that "others might not be" and that she "appreciates me being respectful of that."

That's almost worse that a BF-ignorant person telling me this. It's like one of "my own" has turned against me and it makes me feel like I was being lewd.

My son's kindergarten classroom is not exactly the place for a nurse-in. Any other thoughts?

We need to get BF policies in place for at least our district to protect teachers, parents, and students with BF children.

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by hubermel

I'm in Michigan where we have very little protection for BF. I'm trying to devise a strategy in response to my son's principal who asked that I not BF at his school.

Principal breastfed her kids and says she is okay with it, but that "others might not be" and that she "appreciates me being respectful of that."

That's almost worse that a BF-ignorant person telling me this. It's like one of "my own" has turned against me and it makes me feel like I was being lewd.

My son's kindergarten classroom is not exactly the place for a nurse-in. Any other thoughts?

We need to get BF policies in place for at least our district to protect teachers, parents, and students with BF children.

How old was the baby you were trying to nurse at school? I'm sorry that happened to you. If the laws don't protect you, I'm not sure what you can really do. Maybe somebody here can be more helpful. I'm stubborn, so I'd probably find a different school for my child.

[boobs4milk]

first, i'd let her and anyone else who bothers you know that you aren't being indecent by exposing your breast while breastfeeding. looks like your laws even say that you can expose your nipple while bf and you still aren't guilty of indecency.

second, i would get together with people and start writing your state legislatures. do some research and find one that is family friendly and get him/her to sponsor a bill that has actual protection for breastfeeding mothers. i think hawaii has a good one that you might suggest as further reading/food for thought for your legislature.

good luck...i hope you can get somethings changed and some minds opened. if you need any help, please let us know!

[captivatedlife]

MICHIGAN

Michigan exempts breastfeeding from its public nudity statute. It also has a law that requires courts to consider whether a child is nursing in determining parenting time in family law cases



If it's not indecent exposure, there's no reason for her to comment. I'd continue to bf and if she mentions it again, I'd tell her that you took her comment under consideration, checked the law and found that you were exempt from the nudity statute.




Or change schools.

[KirstenMary]

I would ask her for the correct spelling of her name so that you can attribute her quote correctly when you call your local news station.

[rosadesal]

hey, i just wanted to say that im in michigan too and im having some issues with pumping at work. i posted a few days ago about the laws regarding bfing in michigan and im in the process of finding out who to contact and how to get started with possibly making some changes. i would love to include you in that, so ill let you know as soon as i hear anything.

[RachelGS]

I nursed my toddler yesterday at my daughter's school and was a little nervous doing it. It's not as easy as just calling the news stations. This is where her child is in school. If she creates a lot of havoc, that has implications for her little one. It shouldn't, but it does.

What a messy situation. I'm really so sorry this happened to you.

[funkygranolamama]

can you do a nurse-OUT in front of the board of education?

[bluegrassgirl]

Is this a public school? If it is, they you still have the right to nurse your baby there, because the same rules apply at public school like they do at any public building.

Jessie
(single mommy to Emma, 3 1/2 years and Angela, 2 years)

[hubermel]

Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas!

My dd is 2 and obviously more wiggly than an infant. So breastfeeding is a little less "modest" in our case and it is more obvious.

She's not too fond of a sling, but I did stick her in one so she could nurse when I went to visit another school immediately after this incident! That didn't work too well for her. (And ds was NOT happy about switching schools after already having been switched to a second teacher at his current school. A new school would just be too much transition at this point and I might run into the same problems over there.)

Our LLL leader thought that the school probably did have the right to make this request of me. Although the school is "public", it has restricted access. Not just anyone can be in the building.

So I don't know if there is a legal precedent for how public school are treated in regards to our laws here.

And yes, it is very true that my actions would likely impact how my son is treated at the school!!! There are several ways in which he could be covertly retaliated against and I have seen it happen to others.

I think we'll pursue getting the school district to consider a BF policy. That would protect our individual children more than directing our actions toward the individual principal.

I would love to just pull him out of school, but my son's temperament is ABSOLUTELY intolerant of home-schooling. I cannot provide enough social, physical, or intellectual stimulation for him on my own.

But the good news is that it prompted a few of us to consider forming a charter school for AP families!! Wish us luck

[Meiri]

Principal breastfed her kids and says she is okay with it, but that "others might not be" and that she "appreciates me being respectful of that."

Why is it that this "respect" only ever seems to be expected to flow in one direction? What about others respecting the need of a child for feeding and comfort?

Why the anticipatory "others might..." too? Why borrow trouble?

If someone has a problem with a child eating, let them make a fool of themselves on their own. Don't go making a fool of yourself on behalf of this potentially nonexisting entity. More than likely, nobody will be bothered by it, though they certainly will be bothered by a fussy whining tired hungry child who needs to nurse.

[lovingmommyhood]

Do you work at the school?

[MaryJaneLouise]

What are you doing at the school? Are you doing something valuable, like volunteering in your child's class? That might give you some additional leverage.

Since this is a social relationship rather than a commercial one (like at a restaurant) I would try the friendly tack first. I'm not very good with words, maybe somebody else can help you think of a tactful way to put this. Something like, You know Mrs X i was thinking about our conversation about me breastfeeding my LO. My DD still needs to nurse, and I'm not going to deny her that basic need. And, besides, I think it is very educational for children to see a mom nursing her child. We really need to educate the next generation what a normal and healthy thing this is! Do you know (drop voice to conspiratorial whisper) that some moms think they have to completely cover up, or even STAY HOME, becasue they are nursing? your head. .

And if she says, Well we might get complaints, say "Why would that be" or "I can talk with whoever has a problem with it." Then deal with it when it comes.

After all, the principal didn't actually SAY you couldn't nurse, she just asked, right?

[Momily]

I'm a teacher, now administrator, and consider myself a lactivist, and have been known to sneak lactivism into my classroom curriculum. But I wouldn't want a parent to nurse a toddler IN a kindergarten classroom at this point in the school year.

Yes, being exposed to nursing pair is great for kids, and if you want to come to field day or a class picnic, or a class performance and nurse there I'm all for it, and happy to deal with any questions from kids or complaints from parents. However, at this point there are more immediate priorities such as learning to separate from mom and dad, feeling safe at school, being comfortable in a group, following routines, learning where the bathroom is and how to ask, etc . . .

At this point in the year, I only want parents in the classroom very briefly, and only as long as they're able to focus specifically on their kindergarteners. Little siblings add to the chaos, and are a huge distractions. Little siblings doing something that raises a lot of questions from other children are even more of a distraction.

If you were nursing a tiny baby hands-free in a sling while you dropped off your child with a hug and a smile I'd be fine with it, but sitting down and concentrating on your toddler (whether it's nursing, bottlefeeding, dealing with a tantrum or reading them a book) isn't appropriate. I also think that most (all?) 2 year old should be at the point where they can delay nursing long enough for a quick, drop off with an older child.

On the other hand if someone told you you couldn't nurse while waiting in the office to ask a question or fill out a form, or playing on the playground, or while sitting outside the school or class (or wherever the dismiss) waiting to pick up your child, or in otherwords in any location where it's appropriate for your toddler to be for more than a minute, then I'd back you up 100% -- yes you absolutely should have the right to do that.

[BCFD]

If you were nursing a tiny baby hands-free in a sling while you dropped off your child with a hug and a smile I'd be fine with it, but sitting down and concentrating on your toddler (whether it's nursing, bottlefeeding, dealing with a tantrum or reading them a book) isn't appropriate. I also think that most (all?) 2 year old should be at the point where they can delay nursing long enough for a quick, drop off with an older child.

On the other hand if someone told you you couldn't nurse while waiting in the office to ask a question or fill out a form, or playing on the playground, or while sitting outside the school or class (or wherever the dismiss) waiting to pick up your child, or in otherwords in any location where it's appropriate for your toddler to be for more than a minute, then I'd back you up 100% -- yes you absolutely should have the right to do that.

I 100% agree with Momily on this one. A 2 year old should be able to delay nursing long enough while you are at your son's school to drop him off. Good luck forming your charter school!! We have a wonderful Waldorf charter school in our neighborhood that was started by a group of 12 families. It's now a K-8th free Waldorf school that gets grants through the school district!!! Excellent idea!

[hubermel]

Well, it's a little more complicated than that....I was actually helping out in my son's classroom, so it was much longer than just a drop-off.

Plus, my presence in the classroom is part of the transition plan that his psychologist and I devised to deal with his special needs. I wasn't planning to be there the whole day, just long enough for my DS to give me the "thumbs up" sign to go. It is usually only 5 to 15 minutes and within a few days I won't need to go at all.

As a psychologist myself, I find the "drop 'em and leave 'em to sink or swim approach" at the beginning of school is developmentally inappropriate for many children, including my DS.

My presence is and has been integral for his success in transitioning to school at this young age. Especially given his past history of panic attacks that were not taken seriously by his teacher and broke his trust in the student-teacher bond.

And we know that transitions are extremely important for long term outcomes. And unfortunately our school made absolutely no transition plans at all for kindergarten children.

There were no home visits or meetings with teachers. There was no orientation or summer picnic, or anything. So the building/room, the teacher, and the students were completely new to everyone. Families hadn't even had a chance to fill out paperwork to say if their kids were allergic to anything yet and they would be getting snacks that day. Families had not even been informed of the school start/end time yet! No information had been mailed out over the summer. I mean it was crazy!

So the day of the "incident" I ended up being there much longer than planned because.....

The district had really screwed up and put 32 kindergarten kids into 1 class. So midweek they got a sub, divided up the kids, and sent half (including my DS) to the sub's empty room with nothing but tables and chairs. The poor teacher had no books, no materials, nada.

The sub teacher enthusiastically welcomed me and my DD and said he loved to have us there. I hadn't even had a chance to talk to the new teacher about our transition plan, so I was glad he was okay with my presence. I was very conscious about not disrupting the class.

After about 10 minutes in the classroom with nothing much to do, I asked if I could go get anything from home to help them out and he and the assistant said "sure!"

So I brought some fruit, plates, and cups, since they had nothing in the class for snack. I brought some other stuff as well and helped in the classroom while the poor teachers scrambled around the school for materials and equipment.

I was also running around the school doing errands for the principal to coordinate a school picnic in which I'm supposed to get everyone to volunteer to bring most of the food -- and it is 3 DAYS before the picnic! That's insane lack of planning.

So, you get my drift about the whole crazy climate?....

2 yo dd was getting tired after all this and it was the end of the class and I had just cleaned up snack stuff. I was sitting in the back of the classroom sitting cross-legged on the floor with dd in my lap. The children were facing the front of the room in circle time.

The principal came in the back of the room to talk with me about some other school stuff. And it was in the context of that conversation that the BF conversation was made.

So, for one, I'm feeling dog gone taken advantage of...I wouldn't be sitting here nursing my tired DD in DS classroom this long if the school would have had proper materials for my child's classroom and better planning for the picnic!

I gather that Momily is saying I shouldn't have been present in the classroom to begin with. But I know from other mothers that several teachers are indeed okay with younger siblings in the classroom. Some teachers actually "incorporate" the younger ones into the class. And in our case, we were welcomed and invited to stay.

So assuming that is the case and my toddler was welcome in the classroom while I volunteer at school, what are the lactivist mamas saying about the appropriateness of BF at school?

Should it never happen? Only in a sling? Away from children? Away from staff? Only infants not toddlers?

[Momily]

In that case, if the teacher/principal had asked you to be there with your toddler, then I think she had to expect you to feed her.

It sounds like you weren't being a distraction. If you were, and were getting a lot of questions or kids turning around to look then I think it would have been a good gesture to take her into the hallway, if that wouldn't have been too upsetting to your son. It's not that I have a problem with you BFing in front of either staff or students in general, just that I think that the first few weeks of school aren't the time for a lot of distraction -- like I said I'd have felt the same way if you were reading your daughter a story or giving her a bottle.

I see being asked to leave the classroom as being entirely different from being asked to leave the school.

[green betty]

I would have a friendly chat with the principal and push him to think his position through. These days I tend to frame anti-nip attitudes as prejudice, plain and simple. You are doing nothing wrong. You are hurting no one. You are minding your own business and doing what is best for your child. Certainly some people would rather not see it. Some people inappropriately sexualize the breast. Some people have outdated and discriminatory attitudes, and would like to unreasonably control others for their own comfort. It is no different than, say, racism. If other parents complained to the principal because you were in a mixed-race marriage and held hands with your spouse at the school, how would he respond? Would he ask you not to do it in order to create a comfortable atmosphere for others? What about same race couples? Could they hold hands? Would the existence (or not) of a law protecting the rights of mixed-race couples affect the principals attitude?

Lotsa luck!

[ulla]

Originally Posted by green betty

I would have a friendly chat with the principal and push him to think his position through. These days I tend to frame anti-nip attitudes as prejudice, plain and simple. You are doing nothing wrong. You are hurting no one. You are minding your own business and doing what is best for your child. Certainly some people would rather not see it. Some people inappropriately sexualize the breast. Some people have outdated and discriminatory attitudes, and would like to unreasonably control others for their own comfort. It is no different than, say, racism. If other parents complained to the principal because you were in a mixed-race marriage and held hands with your spouse at the school, how would he respond? Would he ask you not to do it in order to create a comfortable atmosphere for others? What about same race couples? Could they hold hands? Would the existence (or not) of a law protecting the rights of mixed-race couples affect the principals attitude?

Lotsa luck!

No, this isn't anything at all like racism. Statements like this really annoy me. A person of color has to deal with subtle and not so subtle discrimination from the moment of his birth until he dies, and sometimes even beyond. Comparing that to a woman who was asked to refrain from nursing in the classroom is offensive. The OP's civil rights were not violated in any way.

The OP's two-year-old daughter does not have a right to be at the school because she's not a registered student. The school is extending the OP a courtesy by allowing her daughter to be there.

Also, the principal is a woman who breastfed her own children. The OP's "issue" has nothing to do with the principal's attitudes.

If the OP is planning to continue to volunteer at the school, it would probably be better all around to arrange for childcare for her daughter.

[carriebft]

If the OP is planning to continue to volunteer at the school, it would probably be better all around to arrange for childcare for her daughter.

I dont think we have any information on this mother's child raising preferences or the personality of their daughter...or even if she can afford childcare. I don't think this is the way to go to solve this problem.

IMO, I would have another conversation on the topic, emphasizing your desire to volunteer and what it means to you. But frame it around the needs of your daughter as well. Try to work something out. Explain to them that you understand the chaos that is happening right now, offer your help, but explain the needs of your daughter as well.

I think you guys can work something out with a conversation like that! hopefully at least. Good luck mama.


Also- are tehre other parents there or is it the kids she is afraid will be upset by the nursing??