Feeling melancholy about my midwives

[GinaRae]

They're okay, I guess. I hate to put them down because they're perfectly fine for other moms I think. I wish I could find the PERFECT fit, but I don't think that's possible as the only other choice in my area has a higher transfer rate, etc.

Some of my complaints are that one isn't experienced enough in the things I really want her to be. She gets by medically, but seems naive and not so natural in a lot of other ways. For me anyway. I guess I have high standards.The more experienced one is distracted, less able to bond with me, bossy, doesn't always listen to me fully and is sometimes old school.

I am not all warm and fuzzy about them as I thought I would be in the beginning. They're not like me, I don't think they get me, they're not as holistic as I would like them to be, they're bossy, and.... I don't know. I have lost a lot of my faith in them. Or maybe not faith, but they've fallen out of favor I guess.

I don't doubt their abilities to help me homebirth the baby. I really don't. I think everything will be okay in that respect. I may be a bit distracted by them and have to ask them to stay in another room, but they will be here to do what I cannot do - check the baby after it's born, help me in a crisis, offer position advice, be sure everthing is going well in labor and delivery, etc.

I just wish I could be all gushy about them. Sometimes I want to give up and go with a doc because I know what to expect and honestly hold docs at lower standards. I expect to have a hard time with a doc in a hospital.

Who knows, maybe after the birth I will be gushing about my MWs. I can hope!

[TulikaEma]

So sorry you are feeling this way. Judging by your recent post on the paper plates comment, it sounds like you do not 'click' with them. I wish I had some insight to share--but all I have is .

[GinaRae]

THANKS. I know, there really isn't anything to say.

I feel like I should quit whining and be positive about it. But I'm pouting because of my ultra high expectations of them and this pregnancy. I need to just let some of those go, I guess. Then again, I am worried that will make me not fight for this homebirth as hard.

I'm overthinking it again

[Valerieg]

Gosh, it's too bad that the other MWs in the area have such bad numbers. But it isn't too late to consider them if you're low-risk (I can't keep people straight around here, I'm sorry).

It is good that you feel okay with your MWs but you should really trust them and feel good about them. Almost everyone I know that has used a MW has nothing but gushy things to say about them.

Hopefully if you stick with them you'll be gushing afterwards.

[GinaRae]

I am not high risk per say, but not low risk either. I need to stick with them at this point!

[Googy]

I'm so sorry, Gina, that you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could do! Is there anyone else nearby who you could see instead?

[kathteach]

I can understand wanting to really love the women who will be with you and there for you for when you give birth! That's not just a matter-of-fact transaction, you know what I mean? I would want to bond too, that's just me.

Is it that you like them/respect them, but you just don't "click" personality-wise? Do you feel comfortable, or like you have to be a certain way to deal with them? How does your DP feel about them?

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by kathteach

Is it that you like them/respect them, but you just don't "click" personality-wise? Do you feel comfortable, or like you have to be a certain way to deal with them? How does your DP feel about them?

Yes, I respect them. I think I like them okay...I wouldn't be friends with either. Our personalies don't gel. I'm not sure I will be greatly comfortable, but then I never really am in labor I guess. I loved my CNM with my first two, even though she was too medical minded. I haven't been comfortable since her. But you just sort of deal with it in labor I guess.

I don't think hubby's an equation at all as he isn't really affected like I am about this stuff. It's not his body or his emotions, you know? He hasn't got anything negative to say, nor anything positive. They just exist to him. Someone to keep me safe who seem capable. He likes their 98% rate of success at home (2% are transfers) and that one's been around since the 80s.

[cheeseRjedi]

I feel almost the exact same way you do about my midwives. It sounds like we are both subconsciously willing a UC .

Just like you, I like them ok, but I don't feel that extra connection this time. The same two women helped me last time. MW #1 is very experienced, calm, and hands off but she seems kinda burnt out on being a mw. MW #2 was the one I really clicked with but she has stopped practicing since DD's birth. She was so enthusiastic and really into honoring the birthing goddess, stuff like that. The current MW #2 was just an apprentice at DD's birth, so she is still relatively new. She is great but I just don't feel super bonded to her.

Like you, I plan for them to be here, but they will not come until pretty late in the game and then I'll probably have them stay in another room except for the birth. I want them to be mostly bystanders making sure everything is ok.

[GinaRae]

That sounds like how I am leaning. I think I need to just focus on those plans, continue to visualize the birth as I have been, and just chill! They can't be everything to everyone and I am a hard one to please sometimes. They will be here for me with all their experience, and that's what matters.

I've not had a vaginal exam with them yet and I am feeling really uneasy about when I will need to do that (in labor? after the birth?). I just don't want to be touched and that's ridiculous! I need to get a pap smear and if they need to check me during labor or postpartum, then so be it.

I am assuming that I will probably either give in and ask for a cervical check during labor (though they hurt like hell during labor so maybe I won't!) or I will get thru L&D without one and consent to a check and pap postpartum.

[gurglebaby]

I agree with Cheese. Have them be a bystander at your birth and in the other room until the time comes. I had an amazing mw and she really stayed out of the way. She let my dh and I do our thing and it felt like she was hardly there.

[marisa]

I feel ya. I actually dread having to drive the 45 minutes to go to my pointless visits. I don't feel close to them at all. I see a different one every visit (there are three) and I wasn't impressed with any of them. My old midwives felt like family.

It's pointless for me to change providers though, because I wasn't planning on having them attend my birth anyway; this helps me stay emotionally disconnected and not guilty about planning to not call while in labor. I can't imagine though if I had to have them there at my birth. I hope you find some peace about it!

[Momma Aimee]

I am sorry

I KNOW it sucks NOT to mesh well with your MW -- happened to us last time, and is why we are with an OB this time.

Just keep realistic ... if you really feel you can birth well with them, great, they don't have to be your best buddy. however, if you think your feelings, or lack of feelings, will effect birth and delievery (as they did mine) then you need to be up fonrt with yourself about that and seek out other care NOW. even if that other care is a CNM in an office or an OB -- someone who you do not expect as much from -- YK? I expected mothering and freindship and warm fuzzys from our CNM and did not get it, so we chose an OB this time where there is no expectation of warm fuzzys and so on ... and turns out i do feel really good about him..................

It sucks not to find in real life the soft warm visions we have in our heads ... just keep being realistic with yourself. seek out other warm fuzzy people. and if you feel your feeling and lack of mesh is going to effect birth -- think about that.

Aimee

[GinaRae]

Aimee, there is no other way, honestly.

I won't go completely UC, so I need midwives. There's only one other midwife I have found in this area and she has a higher transfer rate.

If I transfer care to a CNM or OB, I lose my homebirth and may just end up with a c/s. If I show any of my usual high BP or Toxemia... it's all over. I am really overweight and they'll go automatically with wanting to induce early and/or have a c/s. Plus they will begin giving me all the cervical checks and pressuring me to do the testing and rhogam shots I don't want. It's just a nightmare to me. I don't want to have to fight all of that if I don't have to.

I want my homebirth, so I need to just stay put and hope to keep away the high BP and toxemia. I really wish I could be SO happy about the MWs but I guess I just need to buck up and look at the positives... they are making my homebirth and a peaceful birth possible for me. That's invaluable in its own right. Right? So I need to get over the pouting.

[Momma Aimee]

i didn't mean to suggest you change -- just that you stay realistic and if you start to feel they will be deteminetal to your birth then you need to do what you can.

Sorry you are in sucha situation -- that is where we were last time

Aimee

[chely7425]

I'm not in your DDC but I am in the same situation with my midwives... they are ok, but nothing special... oh well, it will all work out!!