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"Won't it hurt, Mama?"...  

post #1 of 17
9/10/07 at 11:11am
Thread Starter 
I told my three dd's this weekend that I am pg (I wanted to wait for the end of the 1st trimester because of a previous loss) and they were all THRILLED!! This will be my first homebirth and I was talking to my oldest, who is 7, and telling her that this baby will be born at home. I told her this baby would be born at home and she said "You won't have to go to the hospital?" and I told her no that a midwife would come to the house to take care of me. I told her what a midwife is and what she would do. She then said "Will she be able to give you medicine?" I told her that I wouldn't be getting any medicine because it's not good for the baby. Then she says "Won't it hurt, Mama?" and I was kind of stumped. I quickly said that it would hurt some but that it was all worth it and that Mama would be okay.

What else should I have said? I still want to talk more to her about it and want to be truthful but still not have her scared. I asked her if she'd be okay with being there when the baby was born and she said "Yes, but I may cry." I said "Because you think you might be scared?" and she said "No, because I'd be so happy." How sweet is that?!

I would love some advice and insight on how to talk to her and my other two dd's (almost 5) about a homebirth and easing the fears they may have...and NOT introducing fears that aren't needed!
post #2 of 17
9/10/07 at 11:37am
I haven't been there myself, but it sounds like your daughter is pretty secure and confident. Answer questions and concerns she has, but only answer what she asks. That way you won't introduce any new concerns she hasn't yet thought of.
Good luck!
post #3 of 17
9/10/07 at 4:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1Plus2 View Post
What else should I have said? I still want to talk more to her about it and want to be truthful but still not have her scared. I asked her if she'd be okay with being there when the baby was born and she said "Yes, but I may cry." I said "Because you think you might be scared?" and she said "No, because I'd be so happy." How sweet is that?!
Sorry, no advice, but your daughters comment is so beyond sweet. Thanks for including it in your post, I love it.

Curiousity got the better of me and I did a quick search, you might find this Mothering article helpful.

Maybe these books, Welcome With Love or Baby on the Way

Please note, I've never read either book, it is just what I found with a quick search, maybe you'll find something better/different with a more thorough search or maybe someone will recommend something from experience.

This thread might also be helpful if you haven't already seen it.
post #4 of 17
9/10/07 at 4:55pm
I think a great way not to introduce fears about pain during birth is to just be honest about it. Most births are uncomfortable to some extent. And that's ok. Bodies doing hard work will sometimes feel uncomfortable. Kids can understand this complexity.

My 4.5 y/o DS1 has been looking at birth pictures and videos with me lately. He commented that a photo of a woman whose baby was crowning looked like it hurt. I told him that sometimes it does hurt when a baby is coming out. I also pointed out the next picture in the book, in which another woman's baby is crowning and the mother looks ecstatic. I mentioned how happy that mother looked because she was probably very excited about meeting her baby.

I think I'm modeling a positive attitude about birth for him by acknowledging that it may be uncomfortable/painful for me, but at the same time showing him that I have positive feelings about birth.
post #5 of 17
9/10/07 at 6:33pm
i can't describe my childbirth as hurting. try to use some more positive terms such as feeling pressure or intense feelings. KWIM. If i'd been cut cause of and episiotomy or C-section, i'd call that pain, but I just don't think my childbirth was painful. I'd educate them about birth and include all the deatails. i wish someone would have told me all the details of birth at a young age so i'd have understood it more. I don't think there is any age appropriate birth material. i think it is all age appropriate.

Your daughters will be lucky to get to experience you new child's birth first hand.
post #6 of 17
9/10/07 at 10:00pm
Acting out the birth (potentially) with sounds and all, positions, etc. beforehand has been good for us and the book Welcome with Love is excellent! Good luck!
post #7 of 17
9/10/07 at 10:33pm
Mine hurt. If it were me I'd say yes, it will probably hurt, but it won't be anything I can't handle. It will feel how it needs to feel for the baby to be born. something like that.
post #8 of 17
9/10/07 at 11:11pm
No advice because I haven't been there, but that is so sweet what your daughter said! I probably would have cried (I get a little emotional when pregnant).
post #9 of 17
9/10/07 at 11:33pm
Right after I gave birth, I found out that my sister had told my 6 year old niece I was in labor and my niece had cried because my sister had told her childbirth was painful and my niece was worried about me. That broke my heart. I prepared an answer for her and at some point (it hasn't come up yet), I want to talk with her about it. I plan to tell her that giving birth to her cousin was like when she runs races with her friends. When you run hard sometimes it starts to hurt some but when you get to the finish line you feel so good and forget that it hurt at all. Granted *I know* crowning was much worse than that but I don't want her to have a negative view of childbirth. I'm actually hoping that next time I have a baby my niece can be here for the occasion. I was hesitant to suggest my sister bring her this time because I wasn't sure how I'd do and I'd hate for her to have witnessed me reacting badly. But since I know now that I deal fairly well with the process (and the discomfort involved), I'd be more confident having her here.
post #10 of 17
9/10/07 at 11:55pm
My boys (10 and 6) were also worried about me being in pain. "Won't it hurt to have a baby come out?" I said, "Yes, it does hurt a lot but women are very strong and can handle it. And once the baby is out, it doesn't hurt anymore!" They were very satisfied with that.
post #11 of 17
9/12/07 at 1:00pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the responses, everyone!! My oldest especially is very much onboard with a homebirth and I've been talking off and on with her about a homebirth/water birth. We watched some videos on YouTube last night of water births and she was fascinated but kept saying "I want to SEE the baby coming out!" So, I guess I need to find some that she can see that won't scare her but that are realistic. She asked about the faces and noises the women were making and we talked about how labor can be hard work and the faces and noises are natural and that Mommy may or may not make them. She commented on how happy and smiling the moms were after the baby was born and said "It looks like once the baby is out, all the other stuff goes away". Very observant girl I have.
post #12 of 17
9/12/07 at 2:19pm
My dd loved watching the Gentle Birth Choices dvd (which is included with the book for $13 on Amazon)... though I think the caregivers tend to do a little too much pulling and messing wtih the perineum. Watching the video would give them a chance to hear the noises mom makes and all that. (Though sounds like you've found some on YouTube already ).

We just treated it as a normal event in life... the transition seems so much smoother when a midwife comes to you and after the birth everyone snuggles on your own bed, the couch or someplace cozy in your own home.

BTW, I think I remember you from the BabyCenter TTC while BF board! We started ttc our ds right around the time you announced that you were pg with twins.
post #13 of 17
9/12/07 at 2:53pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by busybusymomma View Post
BTW, I think I remember you from the BabyCenter TTC while BF board! We started ttc our ds right around the time you announced that you were pg with twins.
I did use to post there often! For a while I was the Host of the Breastfeeding Multiples board...but I got so frustrated with a lot of it that I left. I VERY RARELY check out the March DDC there but usually end up enraged by one post or another and hightail it out of there and back to the security of MDC.
post #14 of 17
9/12/07 at 11:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1Plus2 View Post
I did use to post there often! For a while I was the Host of the Breastfeeding Multiples board...but I got so frustrated with a lot of it that I left. I VERY RARELY check out the March DDC there but usually end up enraged by one post or another and hightail it out of there and back to the security of MDC.
Ah, BBC. Alas, I am banned.
post #15 of 17
9/13/07 at 1:18am
PHP Code:
"It looks like once the baby is out, all the other stuff goes away" 
wow, she is observant. i think that is so sweet that she is so involved
post #16 of 17
9/13/07 at 1:20am
When I was pg with my twins I prepped both my dd's for their homebirth - I showed them videos (mostly the Psalm & Zoya video cuz I love the sounds she makes and how she deals with her toddler btwn contrax), and we read Welcome with Love (which is just so great - I tear up every time). We talked about how the mama has to work SO hard to get the baby (babies) out and how she'll often makes lots of noises - grunting, moaning, yelling, sometimes screaming. I emphasized that all these things make the mama feel better and help her get the baby out. I don't remember if/how I addressed pain - I must have said something about it hurting to some degree - but mostly I focused on how hard a task it is to let your body open wide and to push the baby out, and how hard work like that takes so much concentration, effort, etc. You can totally discuss the pain in relation to that - yes, it usually does hurt, but in a special way that doesn't do anything bad to you (the mama) or the baby. I'd discuss how I might bleed and that's normal - not bad. Things like that. They were never frightened and witnessed both births. My dd's were 2 and 5 months and 5 and 4 months at the time. Good luck! Your dd sounds sweet!
post #17 of 17
9/13/07 at 3:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1Plus2 View Post
I did use to post there often! For a while I was the Host of the Breastfeeding Multiples board...but I got so frustrated with a lot of it that I left. I VERY RARELY check out the March DDC there but usually end up enraged by one post or another and hightail it out of there and back to the security of MDC.
Me too... I posted in the may ddc last year a few times but left for the same reasons. I'm glad I found MDC and other alternative websites.
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