Partners and PPD

[gwerydd]

first i guess some background. my Dh and i have been together for 10 years (married for 6). about 8 years ago i went through a major depressive episode. my dh (bf at the time) stood by me and tried to take care of me even though neither of us knew what was really going on with me. there was some frustration and resentment on his side because he didn't really understand what was happening and the nature of the illness, but he really tried.
Fast forward to this past winter when our dd was born. shortly after my mother left i started to feel more and more depresses, anxious, and obsessive. i did not want to be alone, i cried all the time, and just felt like i was falling apart. my dh tried to be there for me because we knew that ppd was a potential problem. he really wanted to help me but didn't know what to do. i didn't want him to leave but i didn't want to seem dependant. he had to go to work and he didn't want to renege on promises he had made to his employer. we were stuck trying to figure out what to do. i ended up in the hospital a few days later. i really wanted my dh to be an advocate for me because i was too sick to advocate for myself, he didn't really know how to do that. because of this i think i ended up staying with a pyschiatrist that alarmed me more and being told to do things that went against what i felt would be best.
i hope this rambling makes sense, i guess what i want to know is how other dp's handle dealing with PPD.

[mom0810]

It's so hard for our spouses I think. My dh has been wonderful, as wonderful as he can be. But he doesn't "get it". He tries to, but for someone who has never had depression, it's almost impossible to understand the irrational thinking and sadness that go with depression. My dh is a very logical person... what you see is what you get... and he has a really hard time understanding my thinking sometimes. But he loves me and works with me and tries his best and I think that's all we can ask of our partners. As hard as it is for us, it's hard for them, too.

Everyone handles living with someone with depression differently. Perhaps your dh could go to your therapist with you, to help get an idea of what you are going through. Sometimes, they need to hear things from a third party, you know?

I know your dh loves you and is trying the best he knows how. I think they don't realized sometimes how bad we feel because we are so good at looking the part, doing what needs to be done and taking care of everyone else while we are falling apart inside. Then when the bottom falls out, they are surprised.

[ezrasmummy]

I will be back to post more when the two little ones are down but I just wanted to chime in and say that it is hard from either perspective. I have a great DH who is very supportive but still lacks. He has the same in me. I will post again later.
to all

[ezrasmummy]

Back again to post properly.

My DH has been great with a lot of things during my PPD, PTSD and hospitalizations. He takes great care of the kids and makes sure the house runs smoothly (or his version of it ). He tries to love on me and keep me happy. he suggests things to do to get better when I am worse. However, as truly thankful as I am for all of that he misses one important piece.

He never asks me about the experience of the depression. He never says "What made today a hard day?" or "what is it like to have been through what you have been through?" I wish that he would be more attentive to my experience of the PPD not just the symptoms. I don't know if that makes sense but it is the best way I can describe it.

It sounds like your DH is trying and that you are being very aware of his experience of your depression. Maybe try what the PP said or maybe just take a few minutes when the baby is sleeping to thank him for what he has done. And then just as importantly, tell him clearly what you need from him. If you need an advocate- tell him how you think he could do it. If you need an extra hand around the house- give him a task; it is that mentality in my experience that some men need to work from.

I hope that helps. Or at least is another piece of data to work from. Reading back on it it just looks like I said "experience" a lot!! Good luck with your DH and with your journey.