Hurting so badly tonight

[Ornery]

I am new to this area of mothering. I never wanted to be here, but I recently gave birth at 21 weeks. Our daughter, Carina Grace, was too little to survive. I can't go into the full story right now, as my heart hurts too badly, but I ended up almost bleeding to death and with a hysterectomy. I am still struggling with many health issues. I will post more information when I can force myself to type it out.

Yesterday was the month anniversary of her birth and death. I had been holding it together pretty well until then. Maybe I was still in denial as there were times I swear I could feel her kicking in my uterus. Yesterday morning, I woke up crying and I have been since then, on and off. And today, we received a letter from the hospital today saying that her cremated remains were ready for pickup. I need to plan our memorial for her (we are doing a private memorial with myself, my DH and our oldest son). I can barely take care of myself, let alone plan a memorial.

It just hurts. It hurts so badly. My throat is closed and has a giant lump in it constantly. My heart hurts. I try to keep a pretty good facade for the people in my life, including my DH, as they have been so worried about me due to the physical problems. But it is so hard to smile. I so need support from those who have been where I am. It will get better, won't it? I won't always feel this constant pain, will I? The people around me, though loving, don't know what to say or do, my DH included. I feel like I am breaking into a million pieces. And I have to tape them together constantly so that I can somewhat function for my other children.

So, for those of you who have experienced loss, where do you go for your support?

[AlwaysByMySide]

Oh honey! I can only imagine what you're feeling.

It is going to hurt. If you didn't love her, it wouldn't hurt. But you did, you do, and it's going to hurt. Some days, you just have to ride the wave of the pain and do your best to stay afloat, especially in the beginning.

It will get better. Then again, I sit here over 5 months after Chloe's death and I still have days where I cry all day. I still can't get to sleep at night, because I'm up replaying everything in my head and crying. At some point, it won't overwhelm you so much, but from my experience, the hurt doesn't go away anytime soon. The severity of the hurt will subside, but the hurt itself will be there.

I personally submersed myself in my church, and I honestly think it's the only thing that's kept me going. That's not for everyone though, and I understand that. I also journal when I'm having really really bad days. And I've been in weekly therapy, although we never really spent any amount of time focusing on Chloe's death as much as focusing on the aftermath (my aftermath was a big ol' mess), and I can't say it helped a whole lot, because I'm just now getting into the nitty gritty of being upset about Chloe's death, five months later. I'm now looking into seeing a naturopath for some out of the ordinary ways of therapy - art therapy, music therapy, etc.

And I allow myself to have really really bad days. I sit around and do nothing some days, I make cup after cup of tea and just mope. Give yourself the permission to do that some days.

Sending you a big, big hug. You can get through it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time if you have to.

[hippiechickinsing]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know any words to comfort, I haven't figured it out for myself yet. I do know that it took me a couple of months of constant pain before I could even think about going about my normal routine.

Returning to work has actually helped me as I have another focus for at least a couple of hours a day. I still fall apart when I get home and think, "I can't do it." Then, I wake up the next morning and start again. It's hard. The pain is still there, but it does ease for awhile.

Lean on anyone who offers, cry as much as you need to. Take care of yourself. I find this board with all the support to be helpful, too.

[chrissy]

oh mama, i am so very very sorry for your loss. please do check out the pregnancy and birth loss forums here. sadly, there are many many mamas who share similar pain. i believe there is also a mama here who lost her full term baby last year and had to have a hysterectomy as well. my heart hurts so badly for you.

for your little girl.

i know there are no words i can say to ease your pain, but please know that you are in my prayers.

[NullSet]

My heart goes out to you, I am so very sorry, mama.

I second the PPs suggestion of visiting the Pregnancy and Birth Loss forum. There are a lot of us over there who are going through a similar experience as yours.

I don't think the hurting ever goes away (mine hasn't), but life seems to get a little easier with each passing day. I had some health issues after my dd's stillbirth and I only just started feeling normal physically about 2 months after her birth.

Don't push yourself to do everything right now. Plan her memorial when you aren't feeling like your world is falling apart.

Carina Grace is such a beautiful name. Please take care of yourself and let others take care of you too.

[bullfrog]

I'm sorry for your loss mama.

[theretohere]

I'm sorry for your loss! One thing I've found is really helpful is staying busy. The busier I am, the less time to dwell. I've found that sometimes physical work is the best, but you need to let yourself heal first.

[Ornery]

Thank you for all of your kind words.

I went to see the doctor today and, while I was there, picked up her ashes. Such a tiny box. I haven't gotten the courage to open it yet, as just seeing "Baby Girl _______, August 9th, 2007" written on it devastated me.

I will check into the pregnancy loss boards. I haven't gone there yet for some reason. I think it is because it hurts to see all the people TTC or pregnant after loss when I can never conceive again.

As for activity, I can't wait until I can be active again. Due to the health issues I had, I'm still very much limited in what I can do. I would so like to resume my daily life and be a mother to the other children I have, but I can't yet. The pain is still pretty overwhelming at times, but the doctor said it was normal. Grrrrr.

I know it will always hurt but I also know it will get better. There are people IRL that I can talk to, just not any that I would want to call at 2:00 am, which is when it seems to hurt the worst.

Thank you again.

[Steady101]

[gingerstar]

I can't imagine where you are, but I just had to give you a hug and tell you it will get better.
Not that you will ever forget her, you won't - and knowing that I wouldn't forget my loved one, that was a comfort to me. I hope it is to you.
But the unbearable pain will ease, no one can tell you how long it will take, it is different for each person, each loss. But one day, you will realize it doesn't hurt quite so much.
We are always here for you, even at 2 am someone else is here....
Don't push yourself, even though being busy takes your mind off it, you need to allow yourself to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

[prairiemommy]

I have no words of advice, only

My heart goes out to you.

for your precious DD

[rachelle-a-tron]

[dawn1221]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can only imagine the devastation you are feeling. My loss was much earlier than your's but I have a friend who went thru the same thing about a year ago.

Lean on your DH. Talk about it as much as possible.

Love and light,

Dawn

[magpie mamma]

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I have found that the support here helps so much, even at 2:00 am.

[Girlsmama]

I'm so sorry

I also lost a baby about a month ago, I found support in my DH and kids, even though they are all young... i just focused on them.. There are no words really.

I think we are all stronger than we belive.

[mamalion]

I can't say I understand the depths of your grief, because I don't. But know I am thinking of you and your little baby girl right now. Lifting you up in prayer right now . . .

[2 in August]