Bday party exclusion

[HikeYosemite]

This isn't really a HS issue, but I want some opinions. I posted awhile back about a girl ("Q") in our small-ish HS group making my daughter miserable (putting her down, seeking her out to criticize her, showing favoritism to others, excluding). Q has been doing some of this to at least one other child as well. I did talk with the mother (well, she pretty much insisted on doing it via email), and things are a bit better.

Now, however, my daughter wants to have a bday party and invite a number of friends, including almost every girl her age in our HS group except the one who sometimes makes her miserable. (There is another new girl who lives very far away and whom she has met only once--the only other one not being invited.) I am afraid that if word gets out, Q and her parents will have very hard feelings. I also think it might go okay at the party if she is included; in group settings, things have been tolerable lately. But my daughter has a very full guest list and is being pretty insistent she doesn't want to invite her. She felt cornered by another mother, who knew she was having trouble with Q, when that mother pointedly asked if she would be inviting Q. (I was a bit shocked that she would put pressure about this difficult issue on my child, especially when I wasn't present. But her daughter just isn't as sensitive as mine, nor has she ever been the target of Q's insults.)

Hope this is clear. I want my child to learn to think about other people's feelings--how much misery can Q create at my daughter's party, when she is surrounded by friends? On the other hand, Q and her parents would be very hurt if she isn't invited. What would you do?

[elizabeth rose]

I would think that if Q's parents are aware of how Q treats your dd, then they should not be shocked or hurt that you dd doesn't feel comfy having her at the bday party. I wouldn't force your dd to invite her. She's already put up w/ being mistreated, why should she have to deal w/ it on her special day?

[abac]

But my daughter has a very full guest list and is being pretty insistent she doesn't want to invite her.

I think it's great that you want to be considerate of this other girl, but remember to be considerate of your dd too. If she's made it clear she doesn't want the girl there, I wouldn't invite her.

[moonshoes]

Originally Posted by elizabeth rose

I would think that if Q's parents are aware of how Q treats your dd, then they should not be shocked or hurt that you dd doesn't feel comfy having her at the bday party. I wouldn't force your dd to invite her. She's already put up w/ being mistreated, why should she have to deal w/ it on her special day?

I agree. I think this is an especially difficult situation because it brings our fears/anxieties into play as parents. We are the ones who have to deal with the fallout of Q's parents' reactions and the potential fallout among the homeschool group. I wouldn't force your daughter to invite her, but I would start preparing responses if you are the target of anyone's ire.

This is your daughter's special day and she deserves to be able to relax and enjoy herself.

[zeldamomma]

I would be careful not to distribute invitations at a homeschool group event, and would teach/remind your dd not to talk about the party in front of Q or anyone else who isn't invited, but I wouldn't invite Q if your dd doesn't want her there.

I think that not being invited to a birthday party is a natural consequence of being unkind to someone. Protecting Q from the negative consequences of her actions probably isn't doing her any favors in the long run. If Q was making a real effort to change I might feel differently, but that's not what I'm inferring from your post.

My 2 cents,

ZM

[Cullens_Girl]

If you've already had the "do you remember what it felt like to be excluded" conversati0on and she really doesn't want her there, then I totally agree with OPs. This is her home and she should be comfortable in her own home. Q will learn a lesson in the long run no matter what happens - if she's invited she'll learn about forgiveness, but if she's not, she'll learn about dealing with the consequences of bad behavior. Both okay in my book.

eta: if it were something other than a birthday party then I might push to get Q invited, but a birthday is a special day.

[mary3mama]

I'd respect your daughter's wishes. It is her birthday & she shouldn't have to worry whether this child is gonna ruin it. Plus, your daughter needs to feel listened-to.

IMHO you have the opportunity to teach your daughter the art/skill of excluding with subtlety, instead of the cruelty many girls are known for.

[Cullens_Girl]

Originally Posted by mary3mama

IMHO you have the opportunity to teach your daughter the art/skill of excluding with subtlety, instead of the cruelty many girls are known for.

ITA! Good point.

[**guest**]

i think a birthday is very special day, and your DD should be able to be comfortable and secure on her day.

if Q is mean to your DD i.e. probably doesn't like her, for some reason, surely she doesn't expect to be invited? it will probably be as confusing and torturous for her, as for your DD.

as an adult, would you invite a bully of a coworker to your birthday? probably to an office party. but not to your special dinner at home, which would be only your closest and most meaningful friends.

[NoHiddenFees]

Would you shield you daughter from the realities of the natural consequence of not being invited due to her behavior if the situation were reversed? Or would you view it as a learning opportunity? Your daughter doesn't appear to wish to exclude her out of spite, but rather anxiety. I'd respect her wishes.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by HikeYosemite

On the other hand, Q and her parents would be very hurt if she isn't invited. What would you do?

Honestly, I think that this is the price one pays for mean behavior. I don't think your daughter has any responsibility to invite people who are mean to her to her birthday party, and I think that she's getting a good lesson in thinking about other people's feelings just by being in the situation she's in. She's now keenly aware of how bad it hurts to be treated badly. I'm sorry she's had to go through this.

It may sound harsh, but I think that Q is about to reap some of what she's sown. Call it karma, if you will, but the truth is, if you are unkind to someone, that person isn't going to want to spend time with you.

If you are concerned about Q's mother's feelings, you could always broach the subject with her ... something along the lines of "My daughter didn't feel comfortable inviting Q to her party because she's still hurt by some things that happened between them, and I supported her decision, but I want you to know that I still enjoy your company and friendship and this isn't meant to be a slight against you."



dm

[HikeYosemite]

Thank you all for your advice. I really didn't expect the answer to be so unanimous, as I feel all kinds of guilt about exclusion--that it is unkind, etc. But I wouldn't blame someone else for following their child's wishes. Thanks!

Originally Posted by dharmamama

Honestly, I think that this is the price one pays for mean behavior. I don't think your daughter has any responsibility to invite people who are mean to her to her birthday party, and I think that she's getting a good lesson in thinking about other people's feelings just by being in the situation she's in. She's now keenly aware of how bad it hurts to be treated badly. I'm sorry she's had to go through this.

It may sound harsh, but I think that Q is about to reap some of what she's sown. Call it karma, if you will, but the truth is, if you are unkind to someone, that person isn't going to want to spend time with you.

If you are concerned about Q's mother's feelings, you could always broach the subject with her ... something along the lines of "My daughter didn't feel comfortable inviting Q to her party because she's still hurt by some things that happened between them, and I supported her decision, but I want you to know that I still enjoy your company and friendship and this isn't meant to be a slight against you."



dm

[joandsarah77]

I agree too. Also, unless she is one of those mothers that think their angel child can do no wrong, I bet she wont expect or be hurt by no invite. if I were Q's mother an invite would make me feel embarrassed.

[astrophe27]

I would let my daughter invite who she wants provided she stuck the "the age rule."

However old it is you are, that's how many kid friends you can have. Mine is just three right now, but so far this has really worked out in keeping her bdays pleasant and non-overwhelming for all.

Let your daughter be in charge of the inviting.

A.

[funkygranolamama]

We went through a similar situation with dd recently. The only real difference is the girl she wanted to invite, "C", isn't really cruel. She's just loud and abnoxious, and really immature for her age. Most of my dd's friends don't like to be around her because it's really hard to get a word in edgewise with her around. DD didn't want to invite her to begin with. I told her it is really up to her, but I wanted her to just think about how she would feel if she wasn't invited to C's party. I told her if she wanted to I would take her and C out one night to a movie instead, but her feelings would still be hurt if she found out about the party.

She told her about the party the first time she saw her again. So, now C is coming to the party, and I think it will be okay. DD said "everyone will hate me if she comes!" to which I said "if they don't like you for that they're not rela friends.

[incorrigible]

[.

[LavenderMae]

My dd and I have delt with this from both ends. I actually told my dd that if she was inviting every other kid from HS group then she really should invite M eventhough she doesn't like M because it's pretty wrong to exclude just one person and how'd she feel if the situation was reversed. MY daughter actually chose to invite M but we both were pretty sure she wouldn't show up anyway (she didn't). So I guess it's was a little different and honestly if my dd had refused to invite her I'm not sure what I would have done.

On the flip side M's mom invited every other girl to M's b-day party right in from of me at our HS park day and M and her brother openly talked about why my dd was excluded. I wasn't really surprised though because M's mom, M and her brother were often rude and inconsiderate of others. It was still pretty nasty though. I wasn't expecting my dd to be invited but it would have been nice if she was shown some common decency.


Excuse typos ect NAKing.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by HikeYosemite

This isn't really a HS issue, but I want some opinions. I posted awhile back about a girl ("Q") in our small-ish HS group making my daughter miserable (putting her down, seeking her out to criticize her, showing favoritism to others, excluding). Q has been doing some of this to at least one other child as well. I did talk with the mother (well, she pretty much insisted on doing it via email), and things are a bit better.

Now, however, my daughter wants to have a bday party and invite a number of friends, including almost every girl her age in our HS group except the one who sometimes makes her miserable. (There is another new girl who lives very far away and whom she has met only once--the only other one not being invited.) I am afraid that if word gets out, Q and her parents will have very hard feelings. I also think it might go okay at the party if she is included; in group settings, things have been tolerable lately. But my daughter has a very full guest list and is being pretty insistent she doesn't want to invite her. She felt cornered by another mother, who knew she was having trouble with Q, when that mother pointedly asked if she would be inviting Q. (I was a bit shocked that she would put pressure about this difficult issue on my child, especially when I wasn't present. But her daughter just isn't as sensitive as mine, nor has she ever been the target of Q's insults.)

Hope this is clear. I want my child to learn to think about other people's feelings--how much misery can Q create at my daughter's party, when she is surrounded by friends? On the other hand, Q and her parents would be very hurt if she isn't invited. What would you do?

I'd honor and love my dd.

And I'd let Q's mother love Q through this. Hopefully, it will facilitate and honest and open conversation b/n Q's mother and you at some point.

[quietplease]

I remember your thread about Q, but I don't remember how big your HS group is.

While I like the natural consequences of "You act mean and you don't get invited", I hate the idea of leaving out just 2 kids. I REALLY feel for the new kid who isn't getting invited. Birthday parties are a huge part of the social scene for kids. It would probably help her feel welcomed and part of the group if she was invited to the party. As for Q, are you SURE you want to throw this hand grenade into the social mix? Will it really help, or will it make things worse? Remember, your goal is to keep the relationships as healthy as possible. I can't say for sure what you should do, but exclusion would be too harsh for me.

[HikeYosemite]

My daughter has some school friends she's known for a long time that she wants to invite, and the list is already up to 11 or 12; that is part of the dilemma. I don't consider it to be a homeschoolers' party--it's a bday party with some of my daughter's friends. The new girl hasn't actually attended our homeschool coop yet; she just joined a smaller homeschooling girlscout-type group that these girls are doing. We met her once--someone in this smaller group invited her--and she lives 30 miles away. It's true, however, that I am concerned about the fallout from Q.

Originally Posted by quietplease

I remember your thread about Q, but I don't remember how big your HS group is.

While I like the natural consequences of "You act mean and you don't get invited", I hate the idea of leaving out just 2 kids. I REALLY feel for the new kid who isn't getting invited. Birthday parties are a huge part of the social scene for kids. It would probably help her feel welcomed and part of the group if she was invited to the party. As for Q, are you SURE you want to throw this hand grenade into the social mix? Will it really help, or will it make things worse? Remember, your goal is to keep the relationships as healthy as possible. I can't say for sure what you should do, but exclusion would be too harsh for me.