or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › I'm Pregnant › Smoking when pg
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Smoking when pg - Page 5

post #81 of 97
Welcome to MDC! Who can we use to feed our need to feel superior today? Oh, theoretical smoking mothers!

We should rotate - Smoking mothers on Monday, those who leave children unattended in grocery carts Tuesday... hmm, who can we judge on Wednesday?
post #82 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathywiehl View Post
Go right ahead if it makes you feel better

I don't tell my story as a way of self congratulating, I say it because I feel like it gives my opinion a little credibility and proves that no one ever has to surrender to an addiction that is harming their children. If I could quit, anyone can quit. It's a choice one makes every time one lights up that cig. I've been there. I know it's hard but you just suck it up and do it. I couldn't say anything if I'd not been through it myself.
I think it does give your opinion a little more credibility. It's difficult for non-smokers to relate to people who don't quit. I can understand it only to a certain point, kinda the way that men will never fully get pregnancy, yk? But, I've lived with smokers all my life and I know that there are different types of smokers out there. While my DH struggles with it everyday (he feels guilty b/c we're having a baby and he doesn't want to be a bad role model), my mom NEVER felt bad about it. Some people say, hey I'm addicted, what's it to you? Others really and truly feel helpless. IMO I think it boils down to your intentions. Have you decided to quit or are you more or less saying to yourself "it's too hard, I can't do it so I won't try"? It's okay to try and fail, it IS an addiction and addicts don't always succeed on the first try whether it be cigs or other drugs. But, try again. It's selfish not to.

Kinda off but still on the subject and maybe too much info...

My older half sister has struggled with an addiction to crack for about the last 16 years (she's been off now for about 2 years, Hallelujah!). If you know ANYTHING whatsoever about crack you know that the addiction can make some people sell their own children just to get that next high. Much stronger than cigs. My sister has three children and I don't know what it was other than maternal instinct and protection but every single time she got pregnant, my sister gave up her addiction COLD TURKEY. She wasn't one of those people who had an occasional fix either. She was pretty far gone. My oldest neice is 16, and I have two nephews who are 13 and 6. Everytime she got pregnant, my family would be in an uproar b/c she's unmarried (although she's quite a bit older than me she just wasn't the most attentive parent) and strung out. Well, during her pregnancies she was a completely different person. Not one of her babies is a crack baby and I am so proud of her for that. Now, once she had the babies and got them into a routine, she went right back to her drug. My nephews actually suffered a bit with delayed speech b/c their mother would be sleep all day while she got over the night before. Eventually she kicked her addiction (hopefully forever!) but it's an uphill battle everyday for her.

The reason I say all this is to explain that although crack addition has a much higher consequence to babies, it is also a much harder drug to kick PERIOD, let alone cold turkey. If she can do it, I know that there isn't a smoker alive who can't do it once they let that maternal instinct kick in. I guess you actually have to focus on the fear of losing or damaging your baby in order to pull it out of yourself. Otherwise, I believe that you'll keep convincing yourself that one more cigarette won't matter. Then one more...then one more...etc.

Maybe I'm the one that's naive but that's how I've gotten through this pregnancy w/o drinking wine (which I love!!!!). Mind over matter really can work.
post #83 of 97
You do not know me and you do not have a right to judge me, or anyone else. Well, you do have a right to do whatever you want. But blanket statements are hurtful. There is no way to know everyone's intentions or all of the factors involved. And just because some people are able to quit doesn't mean that they are less selfish, better parents etc etc. It means their circumstances are different. Will power is just one factor and is in itself multi layered.

It's one thing to know something is unhealthy and avoid it or stop it, but it's another to assume that other people are fair targets for unkind words.
post #84 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiggleBirds View Post
Well...

You do not know me and you do not have a right to judge me, or anyone else. Well, you do have a right to do whatever you want. But blanket statements are hurtful. There is no way to know everyone's intentions or all of the factors involved. And just because some people are able to quit doesn't mean that they are less selfish, better parents etc etc. It means their circumstances are different. Will power is just one factor and is in itself multi layered.

It's one thing to know something is unhealthy and avoid it or stop it, but it's another to assume that other people are fair targets for unkind words.
I hear you. I don't think it makes someone a better parent that they quit smoking or not. I think my mom was a fantastic mom. My goodness, I am going to try to emulate her as best as possible (except of course for the smoking). Everyone's circumstances are different as you've said and it's not all black and white, there is a large gray area. I just think that not all moms try to quit but no one should be a target to be hurt. You're right that there is no way to know everyones intentions and in a perfect world I guess we'd all mind our own business. The problem is that there is a little bity tiny victim who has no voice yet and when I think to keep my mouth shut, I think about the baby and just can't do it. I am sorry if that makes you or anyone else who smokes or has smoked while pregnant uncomfortable.
post #85 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspired007 View Post

I just think that not all moms try to quit but no one should be a target to be hurt. You're right that there is no way to know everyones intentions and in a perfect world I guess we'd all mind our own business. The problem is that there is a little bity tiny victim who has no voice yet and when I think to keep my mouth shut, I think about the baby and just can't do it. I am sorry if that makes you or anyone else who smokes or has smoked while pregnant uncomfortable.
You are so smart, I totally agree with you on this whole post. I don't always think we should keep our mouths shut... But rather than judge, how about we support (I have a feeling this is what you were saying anyway)? We could say "I am so sorry you were going through that when you were pregnant, what a nightmare. I wish I could have been there for you." If someone's smoking during pregnancy, we could say "Let me know how I can help you, because I care about you and the baby and I can only imagine how hard it must be to quit smoking." She may think we're on our high horse, but the reality is, if you show up over and over again to REALLY support someone, they'll know your intentions are true.

But you're still not saying "You're right. I don't know how hard it is for you. Go ahead and do whatever it is you need to do to get through this and I'll shut up."

Again, I have to say that those of you who had a harder time quitting when smoking, and weaned off slowly, that's such a legitimate and ultimately healthy choice. I don't think anyone can bash someone for working their butt off to quit smoking, even if it takes a bit longer. I was lucky to be able to quit cold turkey after 10 years, but remember that addiction is also chemical and everybody's brain chemistry responds to the addictive substance differently.

Everyone CAN quit, physiologically, but not everyone has the resources and circumstances to do it the way WE might think they should.
post #86 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by melissakc View Post
I want to say this gently....

But doesn't an addiction to smoking begin with a choice to smoke? It's not like a disease you are born with and have no say about.
No. Addiction is about the loss of choice. Read up about it. Yes, at some point, someone who's addicted made the choice to smoke the first cigarette, drink the first drink, but something takes over (and people are in argument over whether it's body chemistry, this mysterious thing called "will-power", or what) and the choice is gone. There are 12-step meetings all over the world for just such a thing... there's even Nicotine Anonymous. It's a real addiction.

This thread seems like an argument between people who understand this, and people who don't. People with addictions are used to being judged. That's why there are these elaborate programs designed for people with addictions. It's to help them get over the shame of the choices they've made to smoke/drink/do drugs no matter the cost. Many, many people die for this addiction. And if we're keeping in mind what I posted a few pages ago, that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, and we know that people die of heroin addiction, please realize that smoking is just as badly addictive.

The deal with addiction is that the substance/behavior takes precedence over ALL THINGS. A true addict will not stop their behavior until they lose or are about to lose something that's more important to them than the substance. Everyone has a different point. For some, it's a pregnancy. For some, there is nothing and those are the truly tragic cases. For me, my health was more important than smoking but I had to be emotionally stable enough to quit. Many, many people don't have that stability or know how to get it... so many of us come into adulthood broken from our childhoods and don't have any tools for coping, and then have addictions on top of it. It's HARD.

I am not making excuses for anyone, I am just pointing out what I see when people deal with addiction... there are those who understand it, and those who have never dealt with a true addiction and it's easy for them to point fingers and say "Just CHANGE." Good for you that it's easy for you to put it down. Be glad. Be grateful. But don't judge.
post #87 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace24 View Post
No. Addiction is about the loss of choice. Read up about it. Yes, at some point, someone who's addicted made the choice to smoke the first cigarette, drink the first drink, but something takes over (and people are in argument over whether it's body chemistry, this mysterious thing called "will-power", or what) and the choice is gone. There are 12-step meetings all over the world for just such a thing... there's even Nicotine Anonymous. It's a real addiction.

This thread seems like an argument between people who understand this, and people who don't. People with addictions are used to being judged. That's why there are these elaborate programs designed for people with addictions. It's to help them get over the shame of the choices they've made to smoke/drink/do drugs no matter the cost. Many, many people die for this addiction. And if we're keeping in mind what I posted a few pages ago, that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, and we know that people die of heroin addiction, please realize that smoking is just as badly addictive.

The deal with addiction is that the substance/behavior takes precedence over ALL THINGS. A true addict will not stop their behavior until they lose or are about to lose something that's more important to them than the substance. Everyone has a different point. For some, it's a pregnancy. For some, there is nothing and those are the truly tragic cases. For me, my health was more important than smoking but I had to be emotionally stable enough to quit. Many, many people don't have that stability or know how to get it... so many of us come into adulthood broken from our childhoods and don't have any tools for coping, and then have addictions on top of it. It's HARD.

I am not making excuses for anyone, I am just pointing out what I see when people deal with addiction... there are those who understand it, and those who have never dealt with a true addiction and it's easy for them to point fingers and say "Just CHANGE." Good for you that it's easy for you to put it down. Be glad. Be grateful. But don't judge.

Hmmmm...I think this was well spoken. I do often feel like they should "just do it". Maybe thinking on these things will help me understand my dh a little better. He's been "trying" to quit for about 6 months now. To me, if you're trying then you wouldn't be buying the cigs but in my heart I know it's not that simple. He bought some nicorette gum to help him and now he just uses it for when he can't smoke like a crutch.
post #88 of 97
That reminds me of how many packs of cigarettes I bought just to have "one" and threw the whole pack away, when I was struggling with it. I used to wish that gas stations would sell single cigarettes! (Now I'm glad they don't!) What really helped me was the nicotine gum, because my mouth needed something to do, but it's true it can become an "in-between smokes" crutch if you're not ready to quit.

It's so tough! Good luck to your DH. I hope he does it. DH and I are both ex-smokers and knowing that he's an ex-smoker helps me stay away from it too because I wouldn't want to drag him down with me!
post #89 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace24 View Post
No. Addiction is about the loss of choice. Read up about it. Yes, at some point, someone who's addicted made the choice to smoke the first cigarette, drink the first drink, but something takes over (and people are in argument over whether it's body chemistry, this mysterious thing called "will-power", or what) and the choice is gone. There are 12-step meetings all over the world for just such a thing... there's even Nicotine Anonymous. It's a real addiction.

This thread seems like an argument between people who understand this, and people who don't. People with addictions are used to being judged. That's why there are these elaborate programs designed for people with addictions. It's to help them get over the shame of the choices they've made to smoke/drink/do drugs no matter the cost. Many, many people die for this addiction. And if we're keeping in mind what I posted a few pages ago, that nicotine is more addictive than heroin, and we know that people die of heroin addiction, please realize that smoking is just as badly addictive.

The deal with addiction is that the substance/behavior takes precedence over ALL THINGS. A true addict will not stop their behavior until they lose or are about to lose something that's more important to them than the substance. Everyone has a different point. For some, it's a pregnancy. For some, there is nothing and those are the truly tragic cases. For me, my health was more important than smoking but I had to be emotionally stable enough to quit. Many, many people don't have that stability or know how to get it... so many of us come into adulthood broken from our childhoods and don't have any tools for coping, and then have addictions on top of it. It's HARD.

I am not making excuses for anyone, I am just pointing out what I see when people deal with addiction... there are those who understand it, and those who have never dealt with a true addiction and it's easy for them to point fingers and say "Just CHANGE." Good for you that it's easy for you to put it down. Be glad. Be grateful. But don't judge.
"Read up about it"? "Good for you that it's easy for you"? I was trying to be gentle and ask a sincere question in an effort to understand. I was not trying to pick a fight.

Please don't assume I know nothing about this. My family is full of people with addiction problems--three alcoholic grandparents, one alcoholic parent, two alcoholic brothers, smoking, drug use, mental illness, multiple suicide attempts.... It has been hard to watch these things my whole life. You have no idea what I have been through and what I still go through every day dealing with addicted people in my life. I'm trying to understand, and I think it might take my whole life to understand.

When I was asking about choice, I was just trying to bring up the point that a lot of people with addiction problems, in my experience, see themselves as victims and have a hard time taking responsibility for whatever actions may have contributed to their problems, even if it was that first cigarette. That was a choice that not everyone makes and that seems to get brushed aside. Many of the twelve steps involve responsibility, making amends, acknowledging shortcomings and defects of character, etc.

Seriously, I'm not trying to fight.
post #90 of 97
Melissa, I didn't mean you in particular. I'm sorry if it came across harsh, I wasn't trying to start a fight either. I simply was addressing the general attitude that I've read for five pages (and on other similar threads). I wasn't pointing that directly at you. So sorry if I offended, I truly didn't mean to. I got that you were asking a question, really I did.
post #91 of 97
OK, cool. Peace.
post #92 of 97
Def NOT!

And I am laughing at the post claiming that they thought this place was openminded![/QUOTE]
post #93 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by melissakc View Post
I want to say this gently....

But doesn't an addiction to smoking begin with a choice to smoke? It's not like a disease you are born with and have no say about.
yes but when you're 16 and have no clue and not a care in the world, it's easy to bum a smoke from a friend and then you start getting addicted, I remember when I was 16 and smoked my first cig. A few weeks later my best friend died and I bought a pack (I knew the mom and pop store didn't card) and I started smoking 2 cigs a day, then 3, then 4, then 5, then when I started having intense cravings for nicotine in the middle of class I realized what an ugly beast addiction is. Thank God I had the awareness to just give it up then, because I realized it was no longer something I was choosing to do but something I felt a physical hunger for. It scared me. I've drank, smoked weed, and I've never felt the hunger like I did for nicotine.

I'm not a smoker, but I can empathize with how hard it can be to quit especially if you are going through a stressful or emotionally vulnerable time in your life.

I don't think it does anyone any good to get up on a high horse, there is physical addiction and there is psychological addiction. I have no idea what another mama is going through in her life or her mind. That's why in the situation with my friend who is pregnant, I just try to offer support. If she only smokes half a cig I tell her I'm glad she's trying. I don't think shame does anyone any good.
post #94 of 97
I apologize to anyone who was offended by my question. I did not intend to be confrontational--I am only trying to understand. Sometimes it's hard to express my intended tone online.
post #95 of 97
I apologize if anyone felt that I was trying to shame someone. I wasn't. I do stand by my opinion that it is a selfish thing to do and it's a fact that it can and will harm an unborn baby. There is no getting around that. I don't think stating facts is the same as judging or shaming. I'm not up on a high horse. I know it's hard and I will support anyone who is trying to quit.

No one can blame me for getting upset with the mother who doesn't care that the smoking is harming her baby, or the mother who shrugs and says "I know it's bad for the baby but I'm addicted so I can't quit"

I have deep respect for the mother who fights each and every urge and craving, trying every minute of every day to stop so that her baby is healthy. If you bust your behind trying to quit and can't, I mean really really trying hard then I won't fault you.

I firmly believe that smoking, drinking, taking drugs and otherwise abusing your body when pregnant is child abuse. Doing these things can cause lifelong damage to a child. The baby is innocent and cannot fight the cravings or choose not to smoke.

I say, if you smoke and know you can't quit, use some good birth control until you can provide a healthy environment for a baby.
post #96 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathywiehl View Post

I say, if you smoke and know you can't quit, use some good birth control until you can provide a healthy environment for a baby.
Ohh.... thats starting down a slippery slope right there......
post #97 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathywiehl View Post
I say, if you smoke and know you can't quit, use some good birth control until you can provide a healthy environment for a baby.
I actually agree with this... and if the pregnancy is unplanned...they should really try HARD to quit.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: I'm Pregnant
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › I'm Pregnant › Smoking when pg