Yes, the hard part was wondering why why why didn't my brother call me. WHY! He had called me in the past when he was depressed. Why not this time?
But you know what I finally realized. I realized that by thinking that (and it is normal to think that) I was putting myself in the equation and probably being selfish. Of course my brother wasn't thinking about me. He was in pain. I don't want to sound harsh - and this my not be your circumstance at all - but when I think about myself and think about how his actions have hurt my children, it makes his suicide about me. And it wasn't about me. As a matter of fact, if he had been thinking about me and my kids he wouldn't have done it.
I found a great article online - I'll look for it - that basically says people who commit suicide don't want to die. They are just searching for an end to the problems they have. And because they aren't thinking straight mentally - suicide then makes sense.
Not sure about your Dad, but my brother was bi-polar.
Oh - you are right on about the regret. It is eating me up. Now logically, you realize that it isn't your fault, right? I feel the same way. Logically, I know that even if I had called him that day - he very well could have done it next winter. Or the next month. So I know this and have it in my head. But oh, I miss him so much. And I am filled with what-ifs and scenarios in my mind.
UGH!
Some days it is so easy and I don't even think of him much. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day.
My friend whose daugher died told me this: (I'm gonna quote her, because as abrasive as it sounds - I needed to hear it)
one thing about death lisa, no matter how you coupe, sad or happy, death is final, and it makes no difference how you react. so go on with living and cherish EVERY breath of life you take.
But you know what I finally realized. I realized that by thinking that (and it is normal to think that) I was putting myself in the equation and probably being selfish. Of course my brother wasn't thinking about me. He was in pain. I don't want to sound harsh - and this my not be your circumstance at all - but when I think about myself and think about how his actions have hurt my children, it makes his suicide about me. And it wasn't about me. As a matter of fact, if he had been thinking about me and my kids he wouldn't have done it.
I found a great article online - I'll look for it - that basically says people who commit suicide don't want to die. They are just searching for an end to the problems they have. And because they aren't thinking straight mentally - suicide then makes sense.
Not sure about your Dad, but my brother was bi-polar.
Oh - you are right on about the regret. It is eating me up. Now logically, you realize that it isn't your fault, right? I feel the same way. Logically, I know that even if I had called him that day - he very well could have done it next winter. Or the next month. So I know this and have it in my head. But oh, I miss him so much. And I am filled with what-ifs and scenarios in my mind.
UGH!
Some days it is so easy and I don't even think of him much. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day.My friend whose daugher died told me this: (I'm gonna quote her, because as abrasive as it sounds - I needed to hear it)
one thing about death lisa, no matter how you coupe, sad or happy, death is final, and it makes no difference how you react. so go on with living and cherish EVERY breath of life you take.
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I am looking for the bag sleepers or the elastic ones. They are a lifesaver for night time diapering!
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