How to get SIL to understand PPD?

[mama to 2 girls]

I hope this is the right place for this....

I had severe PPD and PTSD after the birth of my first dd and it was VERY hard on everyone very close to me, especially dh and my mom and of course my dd. There were days when I didn't want her and was suicidal. The birth of dd2 was soo healing, after her birth was when I considered myself healed and had no signs on my "illness".

DD2 is now 13 mos. and my SIL (who is a complete phsyco),she also has 2 dd's, she supposedly has this BIG problem with me loving my kids!! My mom went over to thier (my brother and SIL's house) house the other night to discuss something and somehow got on the discussion of me and she called me a hypocrite! She said and I quote(from my mom) "I see her playing on the floor with her kids and hugging them and loving them and all I can think is hypocrite, hypocrite!!" WHAT!!?? So just because I didn't love my dd 3 yrs ago, I should still continue to not want her? Shouldn't my SIL be happy that I am better?!

This hurt me really bad when my mom told me this! I feel bad enough already for being such a horrible mother for the first 1-2 yrs of my dd's life!...but it was not my fault! I didn't ask for this illness!

Is there any good books anyone can recommend for her to read? What kind of person would say such horrible things! She also told my mom, "What kind of mother doesn't want her child" and "What kind of mother wants to throw her child at the wall"......I also live right next door to my mom and on the nights and mornings when I REALLY couldn't handle it and I would have panic attacks I would take my dd to her, when I felt helpless and my SIL to my mom "Well! I didn't have anyone to take my child to in the middle of the night or early in the morning when I was tired!" Excuse me!?? You also weren't ill! It's almost as if she would have rather me harm my child or myself than seek help!

She is just not a nice person in general, but this is just over the top! Oh yeah! She also told my mom that the reason they haven't had another child by now is because they thought that they were going to have to take my children! HAHA! My husband knows how she treats her children and my brother and he WOULD NEVER have let them take our children and my mom wouldn't have either!

Sorry for my ranting, I really hope I didn't offend anyone, I just don't know what to do! I would never wish PPD on anyone, it almost destroyed my marriage and my life, but I feel the only reason she will understand is for her to go thru it herself!

[savvybabygrace]

Wow, I can really relate to you about this on so many levels. Here's my background, maybe you won't feel so alone in this!:
I also experienced major PPD and PTSD after the birth of both of my daughters (and am in the midst of trying to get through it even now). My second daughter's birth was a VBAC and was very healing, though now I'm dealing with some body issues and remembering past trauma that isn't helping me to get through the PPD.
That being said, when I went through the PPD the first time around my husband and I decided NOT to tell his family about my problems. They are not the most understanding group of people; Born-again Christians (not that there is anything wrong with this, I'm just describing them), very conservative, very much into "tough love" methods including spanking and using soap in the mouth, homophobic, and discriminatory and prejudiced against most minority groups. In short, they have a really hard time understand anyone who is different then them. And I've never been comfortable around them. We've had our problems and our differences and it's easy to not let them in to our personal lives because they live about 500 miles away from us.
So while we didn't tell them for months and months about my PPD, we also didn't let them come visit us one time when they wanted to. I was suicidal, having panic attacks every day, and at the same time our marriage seemed to be falling apart. We needed time to sort things out and I really needed to feel safe and secure in our familiar routines. I also felt like they'd judge me as a mother because they always asked why we did things like co-sleep and use slings/wraps and breastfeed for "so long".

One of my SILs decided not to talk to us, and at first we didn't know why. It turns out that she was extremely angry with us for not "allowing them to be a part of our lives" and "not letting them see their niece/granddaughter". Now, we never said that they couldn't see her. We simply asked for a little time without letting on that I was so depressed. When we finally DID tell them, my MIL said (not 5 minutes after we told her!!!!) that she thought all our troubles came because we weren't "right with Jesus" (OMG!). When my SIL found out she got VERY defensive, saying "How and why could you keep this from us? We're your family! We deserve to know these things!". She literally said that, as if I owed that to her. She has never, ever forgiven me for not telling them about my PPD, even though she has openly stated that she doesn't understand it. She thinks we have the picture perfect life and can't begin to understand why or how I could possibly be upset when I have such a wonderful family of my own.

If only these women (your SIL and mine, and my MIL) could understand how deeply PPD can traumatize us. How birth, when it doesn't go according to plan, can scar us terribly, and how our changing bodies and hormones can send us into a tailspin of depression. I cannot excuse what your SIL is saying or doing, because what she is saying behind your back is absolute filth. I wish you didn't have to deal with that, because goodness knows you have been through enough.

My advice? I suppose I would say to ignore her and flush her out of your life if you can. I don't talk to my SIL anymore and it's fine that way. But I am very curious to see if anyone else has a book/website recommendation for you.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in being ostracized by your SIL. I truly hope she can learn to understand what PPD is like, and if not, then at least to keep her mouth shut.

[ezrasmummy]

I don't have any real advice but I wanted to say and let you know that you are not alone. Try to remember that some people will never get it but that is their problem. Do your best to understand the illness for yourself and as you gain insight for yourself you can use it to help others understand more.

and good luck.

[mama to 2 girls]

Thank you both for your kind resoponses. I have read a few books about PPD and PTSD plus some other books that others have written that have gone thru it and that helped a lot to know that I wasn't some kind of crazy person. My mom has also read some and she tried explaining it to her but like ezra'smummy said some will just never get it!

Kier, I have decided that maybe just avoiding her would be best but my family and my brother (and myself included) think I should try to have a talk with her..I love my neices (her dd's) and my dd's LOVE thier cousins to death and it would just break my heart if she decided to keep them away because of it....and YES she is the type of person that would do this.

I am sorry you are still dealing with depression, FWIW I also went thru a few months(I noticed from your sigy that your little one is only 2-3mos. old, congratulations! BTW ) of what I was afraid was depression again, but I was open about it with my m/w and I think it just ended up being a really long case of the baby blues and me trying to get over my first dd's birth. Now I am fine, I still have a little of bit of my OCD about germs (but NO WHERE NEAR what it was with dd1) left over that every once in a while "flares up", but other than that I seem to be fine......I hope you (and you will) feel a lot better soon!

[savvybabygrace]

I completely understand about not wanting to break ties with your SIL because of your nieces; my sister and I haven't always gotten along (I mean, at times I've wished she would disappear due to her meanness and irresponsibility towards her son) but since I love my nephew like he was my own I would never break all ties with her.

Do your best to stay strong and positive around your SIL, and thanks for the warm words.