Unassisted, but not unattended? - Page 2

[AugustineM]

I'm not even pregnant yet, but already considering an "attended" unassisted birth for #3. I live in a state where homebirth vbacs are illegal, and will not set foot in a hospital to have yet another of my births messed up. I've decided on either totally unassisted, or perhaps having a friend who is a doula going to midwifery school fly up here and be here for the birth. She will not be a midwife for several years, but she has been a doula and been at nearly 1000 births! I have heard friends who had her as a doula say that she was the most amazing presence. She basically told me that she would be with me or not with me however much I wanted. She said she'd sit downstairs and read or knit or be there to check heart tones if I wanted. She supports UC fully. I have a lot of time to think about it, but so far it is really sounding nice to me -- and to my DP as well.

Maybe you could find a midwife student or doula that you felt comfortable with who would agree to be very hands off?

[mataji4]

I considered my second birth attended but unassisted with a homebirth midwife (#3), until I had #4 baby only attended by my husband. As a pp said, it is a totally different experience and hard to put words to. With #3 it was a fast labor and my midwife was only there for about 30 minutes. But even when she wasn't there yet I was feeling her, wondering about calling her and when, etc. I caught my own baby and felt super empowered. But since #4 was born it's become very clear to me that her involvement in my birth had a huge impact on how I felt and was ultimately a huge distraction. UC is amazing. It is really just you and your baby working out their entry into the world. For me it feels incredibly right and I wouldn't have a baby any other way now. Of course, it took me four babies to get to this place so I know that everyone has their own journey in birthing.

I don't understand pushing for an UC in a hospital setting. Are you just wanting to catch your own baby? Avoid interventions? Or are you wanting to take responsibility for you child's birth? Check it out with yourself...there is certainly a spectrum of responsibility in childbirth. Be honest and specific with yourself before you try and talk to your midwives.

I know OBs who will let you catch your own baby and homebirth midwives who don't help to make it happen. But an attended birth just isn't the same as an UC- people here told me that when I was having this same debate last year and I didn't understand the subtle differences until I had an UC myself.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

For me there would definitely have been a difference between attended and unattended. I would not have had an unassisted birth had I had an attendant. I felt very dependent during my 1st birth. During my UC there was no one to count on but myself, no one to tell me what to do or when or how, and no one to ask how far along I was or anything else. I felt incredibly strong and capable. I would not have felt that way had an "expert" been present. *I* was the expert. For me, it just wouldn't have been the same even w/ a midwife in the next room, that's for sure. Knowing she was there would have made me feel dependent on her for input. That's just me.

[Kam]

Just an update on my birth...

I did get an attended, unassisted birth in my opinion, though I had to restate my desires several times during the weeks leading up to the birth, and even when the midwives first arrived. One midwife understood; one did not. Having the second one there was a bit of a drag, but she stayed in another room for most of the two hours they were there, and I forgot she was even in the house most of the time. They didn't do any internals ever, and only checked my blood pressure when they first arrived, and an hour after birth. I didn't need help with anything at all during labor or birth--yeay!

They came at 7 and we chatted and I folded laundry and readied my other children for the day and so forth for an hour. At 8, I went to the bathroom and closed the door and started laboring by myself in the tub. They wordlessly checked dop-tones a few times over the next hour--I hardly noticed they were there during those two or three minutes--and then retreated to the other room immediately.

At the birth, they were in the room, but I was alone in the water and no one knew--not even DH--that baby was crowning, and then head-out for several contractions before she was born. Everyone was pretty quiet(except for a warning from unsupportive midwife about the tap being near my head in case I bumped it, and another quiet instruction from same not to push, which was really annoying, but soon forgotten), and I was mostly unaware of anyone being around at all. It was wonderfully empowering. I was able to feel the baby descend, to feel the bag bulging out of the cervix, to feel her head inch forward, then back, then forward again. I held my own perineum during crowning, knew to relax and not push, and completely avoided tearing (my biggest fear about this birth, after a bad episiotomy and subsequent tearing in previous births). It is remarkable how much more in-tune I was with my body and the baby this time, knowing that it was my own situation and only I really knew what was going on. I didn't know it was possible to be so deeply aware and so far from my regular self-conscious intellect at the same time. Now I think those two states necessarily go together in a physiological birth.

The only negative was the fear from the midwife who wasn't so supportive of my wishes at the moment the baby was born. She broke the bubble a little by urging me to pick up the baby right away. I think the baby would have been fine if I'd let her float just a few seconds, as was my impulse.

The baby was slow to start--that's another thread--so the midwives were helpful in deciding when to gently bulb-suction to stimulate breathing (DH's opinion is that baby needed a little nudge). They also cleaned up a little and checked the placenta, neither of which DH or I wanted to do. Something I never thought about was that it was also good to have another witness to the birth. I need to talk a lot about my births afterward, and DH is hopelessly uninterested and inattentive to the details. Rehashing everything with the supportive midwife afterward on several occasions was a big part of the birth for me.

All in all, it was a beautiful birth. I'm glad the supportive midwife was there, and glad about the level of autonomy I was able to achieve. In retrospect, I wish I'd been more honest and assertive with the unsupportive midwife about wanting to have an autonomous birth. I really think she just didn't understand what I was talking about. I have since learned that she is quitting the birth aspect of her midwifery practice. I think that's probably a good thing. But it wasn't a problem for me to be assertive AT the birth, and maybe even helped me take the birth back and be strong. I felt calm and good about it all and never wavered in my conviction that I could do it and do it well. And the supportive midwife was just that--supportive, protective, and non-interfering. A good witness, which is just what we were looking for. She afterward told me that after 600 births, this was a first experience for her to see someone birth on her own, and that she didn't know many women who could do what I did. She said, "You are one strong lady." Made me feel great.

For the record, I don't know whether the experience was healing for DH. I haven't really talked to him since #3 was born--we're too busy!

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

[Pam_and_Abigail]

This is an interesting idea, as my dh wants someone else here and I don't.
Kam, thanks for coming back and sharing your story!

[Kam]

My pleasure! If you want to chat more about it all, I'm always happy to "listen."

[Peony]

I just wanted to share that my DH and I did something very similar for the birth of DD2. I wanted an UC, he did not, we settled for a very hands off MW. I only had a handful of prenatals during my pg, she came while I was in labor and slept on my couch, and then as I was pushing, she came and quietly watched from the doorway, ate a piece of pizza after DD2 was born, and left. And guess what the first thing he said after the MW left, "we didn't even need her after all!" I'm hoping that for #3 I'll get my UC now.

[wendy1221]

I think you should discuss it with your midwives. I know my midwives are cool w/ this sort of situation. They'll even wait downstairs until you ask them to come into the room.

[greenmom4]

I haven't read all the other replies, so I apologize if I'm being redundant. I asked my last mw about this and she told me that for liability reasons (her own comfort level, I think, more than any formal, legal liability) she could not be in a separate room. That the family should either call her and expect her to participate or not call her and go unassisted. But like pp have said, it probably just depends on the midwife.