Family sending NEGATIVE VIBES

[ishereal]

nm

[danotoyou2]

My brother pretty much stopped talking to me for about 6 months because he thought I was stupid for having a homebirth VBAC. The rest of my family pretty much kept quiet, because they knew that I *was* having the birth I wanted, and whatever they said wouldn't matter.

You really don't need to deal with that while pregnant. Try sending them e-mails with links to studies and articles describing the safety of homebirth (or, if they're analog, just get some books like Ina Mae Gaskin's or Henci Goer's) and tell them to educate themselves before making such judgements. And, tell them that you need positive thoughts and support throughout this pregnancy, and if they won't do that for you, then you'll have to not talk to them (or at least, not talk to them about the birth).

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's no fun.

[AKmoose]

No direct evidence, but if they're research-oriented, you might present what is truly evidence-based practice...and what goes on the hospital is NOT it. I wish all the best to you during your HOMEbirth. Sadly, so many in our society can't get past the "white-coat worship," despite what evidence says. You might ask your family members to do some reading (i.e. Henci Goer, Marsden Wagner), and then come back for a reasonable discussion if they still have questions. I'm sorry you're facing this...fwiw, my first was out-of-hospital (not home, but freestanding b/c), and it was GREAT

[Plaid Leopard]

You could send them research, or you could tell them you don't want to hear anything about it until THEY have taken the time to do the research themselves, to find out about homebirth, the midwifery model of care, the risks of hospital birth etc.

I hopê they come around and don't give you any more grief about YOUR decision!

[LoveChild421]

My family was the same way when I said I was considering a homebirth so I just didn't tell them. It is hard, because your family should be a great source of support, but forgive them because they're just ignorant. Don't talk to them about it any more, just focus on your goal and you'll be fine. I called my mom after I gave birth and told her I did it at home and she was amazed. They will be much better after the birth because they'll see how wrong they were.

And don't worry about being "too small," I was about your size pre-pg too and birthed my son without even a tear! You can do this mama!

[thebarkingbird]

my family said the same thing. i sometimes thank them for their concern about the state of my vagina. that shuts them up

i have also sat a few of them down, explained that that they seem to be having irrational fears. i tell them i don't need any more irrational fears than my preggy brain can conjure. i force them to ask specific questions and cut them off if they drift inot "ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN A SPLIT SECOND" territory and answer their fears w/ my research. after this, i tell them i am responsible, i am having this baby and if they want tot alk to me about my pregnancy they must respect my choices. i'll hang up on people if they don't respect that boundary.

this has caused some conflict and i do have to know when to let a few things slide but something had to be done to train my paranoid family or i wouldn't have been able to talk tot hem at all. also, remind yourself that most of this is about them and their fears and that they only fear these things because they fear someone they love may be in pain or danger.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by danotoyou2

My brother pretty much stopped talking to me for about 6 months because he thought I was stupid for having a homebirth VBAC. The rest of my family pretty much kept quiet, because they knew that I *was* having the birth I wanted, and whatever they said wouldn't matter.

You really don't need to deal with that while pregnant. Try sending them e-mails with links to studies and articles describing the safety of homebirth (or, if they're analog, just get some books like Ina Mae Gaskin's or Henci Goer's) and tell them to educate themselves before making such judgements. And, tell them that you need positive thoughts and support throughout this pregnancy, and if they won't do that for you, then you'll have to not talk to them (or at least, not talk to them about the birth).

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's no fun.

My granny will is about 60 years old, introducing anyhting new or outside of her comfort zone...... WILL NOT HAPPEN lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will definitely check those books out.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Stop talking to them. If they bring up the birth tell them you don't want to talk about it. If they push, leave. It can't hurt to show them some studies but some people will never change their minds.

[ericswifey27]

I told my mother that she might as well stop because there was no way in h*ll I was changing my mind. Maybe make a deal with them that you will shut off the conversation immediately when it turns to homebirth, atleast until they read x, y, or z- then you will be open to their informed opinions on the subject. Henci Goer has same great books to help in that department...

Oh, and also say you are due atleast 2 weeks later than you are Worked great for me... I was able to go in to labor and call everyone after the baby was born.

[gottaknit]

Originally Posted by Plaid Leopard

You could send them research, or you could tell them you don't want to hear anything about it until THEY have taken the time to do the research themselves, to find out about homebirth, the midwifery model of care, the risks of hospital birth etc.

I agree with this advice. DH and I did all sorts of research and made tons of copies of studies from medical journals for family to read (mostly his dad who is a doctor), and they would read them (so they said), and then say, "Yeah, but....blah blah blah emergencies danger death blah blah"

It's really draining doing all the research, and trying to get everyone on board and in agreement with you. I think it's best to tell them if that can't say something supportive, then to keep their mouths shut.

[Maluhia]

I'd not talk to someone being so negative. Or write a letter asking people not to come to you without evidence-based suggestions ready to debate while honoring your position as the "decider in chief."

Kulia

[patchynurse]

My family and my nicu-nurse sis in law and I do battle over every subject regarding natural birthing and AP. When I told my mom I would not vaccinate ,I think her reply was " The f___ you won't, I sneak them to the docs when you aren't around." !!!!! And I wasn't even pregnant then. I have since moved far away and am 13 weeks pregnant and she is still pestering me with these questions like," you still don't plan a homebirth do you?" I just tell her to mind her own business and if she wants facts on issues I will get them for her. It's rough not really having her "get it".

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by patchynurse

My family and my nicu-nurse sis in law and I do battle over every subject regarding natural birthing and AP. When I told my mom I would not vaccinate ,I think her reply was " The f___ you won't, I sneak them to the docs when you aren't around." !!!!! And I wasn't even pregnant then. I have since moved far away and am 13 weeks pregnant and she is still pestering me with these questions like," you still don't plan a homebirth do you?" I just tell her to mind her own business and if she wants facts on issues I will get them for her. It's rough not really having her "get it".

Tell me about it and if people researched half the things that are in these vaccines they would not vaccinate either but that's where being sheep and brainwashed gets you!

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by KailuaMamatoMaya

I'd not talk to someone being so negative. Or write a letter asking people not to come to you without evidence-based suggestions ready to debate while honoring your position as the "decider in chief."

Kulia

Thanks a million for your response and support!

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

Stop talking to them. If they bring up the birth tell them you don't want to talk about it. If they push, leave. It can't hurt to show them some studies but some people will never change their minds.

This is what I'm starting to do!!!!!!!!

[PPK]

Keep focused on what you intend to do and the great birth experience ahead! I know its hard, but (obviously) don't bring up the topic, and if/when they do, try your best not to give much energy to the conversation. Maybe you can print out a few studies that show home is the best/safest place to birth and the there is no contradicting evidence, anywhere.

Just try not to engage in their conversation as much as possible and keep your focus and stay positive!!

[applejuice]

You should not have told them in the first place, but now that you have, do not discuss it with them at all.

Remember that you are an adult having your own baby and paying your own bills, and making your own decisions.

Period.

Change subject.

FWIW, I am 5'0", weighed 109# to begin with my first pregnancy and had her and all four at home with a midwife. No problems that could not be handled at home. Trust your judgement and your choice of caretakers and you will be fine. EAt well, exercise and life will be grand, mama.

[luckymamato2]

My family was unsupportive of my choices as well. I chose to go to a FSBC. I told them over and over again that a hospital was across the street and that the midwives would transport me if there was a problem. I would be at the hospital within 6 minutes if there was a need. The FSBC didn't have any pain meds and they were all sure I would go to the hospital for an epidural. But I didn't!

In the end I was proud of my choices and shared them with my family, but didn't allow them to assume things would go wrong. I said that things would be fine and changed the subject. It's hard when you want to share and have people be excited, proud, etc. about your choices and they aren't.

I am glad that we lived out of state at the time. I refused to allow them to come stay with me beforehand. I even refused them access to my newborn for a week while we got settled. I am so glad I got that chance. Next time (if there is a next time) we'll be in town and will be having a homebirth. I will not be hiding that from anyone - I'll be very proud of that. Obviously there will be difficulties in keeping them away before/during/after the birth but my dh is on board with me and sets clear boundaries.

[pjabslenz]

I'm sorry your family isn't as supportive as you would like. As the pp mentioned, you really don't need this type of stress while you're pregnant. It's so frustrating when we don't have the support of family or friends, especially when it's something that is really important to us. If I were in your shoes, here is how I would handle things.

I would simply email those that you've shared your homebirth plans. I would express my appreciation for their genuine concern over your decision to have your baby at home (if they're not educated about homebirth, in their mind a hospital is the safest place for you...they are brainwashed with images and horrid stories of birth gone bad where doctors "saved" babies everyday). Remind them that this decision isn't open for discussion because you and your dh have researched and homebirth is the safest birthing option for you and your baby. Offer to share some of the books you've read...Henci Goer's TTWG & Ina May's GTC and even share some links for internet sites. Before ending the email I would include something along the lines of while you understand why they would be concerned, you need & would appreciate their support at this time. Request that they not be judgemental but open to reading some of the resources & links that you've shared with them. I'd also mention that if they can't be supportive you don't need the stress and will have to do what is best for you and your baby, even if that means not sharing this experience with them.

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

[applejuice]

Let me add that I never told my neighbors about my plans for my first baby/first homebirth, and it turned out that three of my older neighbors had grandchildren born at home and as it turned out, they were very supportive, after my baby was born at home and it all turned out well. So three years later, when I had my second baby at home, there were no problems.