I know I haven't posted much but I just wanted to let you lovely ladies know that I gave birth to my beautiful son, Elijah Peter on the 10th at home with our midwives present. My mom, sister and grandma were there as well. The birth was not what I expected at all. The books just could never explain well enough what it is like. I was shocked at the pain, and how hard it was but also surprised at how natural it felt. It was really a great labor. 12 Hours, 1 hour of pushing. I had no tearing thankfully and it was honestly the most amazing feeling to push my baby out into the world. I asked for drugs only twice and really didn't mean it, need it or want it and I had no access to them anyway. 
My husband was amazing. I couldnt have done it without him. During transition I pretty much told him I didn't want to give birth ever again and the sweetheart he is he just held me and said "Okay, Thats okay, I've always wanted to adopt." Smart man for not arguing with me. 
Eli was born with a severe cleft lip and palate something we were not expecting as it had not been detected in the ultrasounds. They said everything looked normal despite my feeling that something was off on his profile picture. I figured they knew better than I. Before my midwife passed him to me she said to me "Taylor, I have to tell you that your son has a birth defect." I guess she didn't want me to be shocked but somehow I just wasn't
It's hard for me to explain but I wasn't surprised or shocked. I guess what I am saying is that my son is perfect and I have never looked at him in any other way. When I saw him, he was just how I imagined. It was like I had seen him before and I knew him so well already. Completely perfect. I took him into my arms and he looked up at me and we stared into each others eyes for the longest time. Then he smiled at me and made some of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. My heart was and is so full of joy. Eli is so beautiful and has such a sweet spirit and he absolutely adores his daddy.
Having said all of that, the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster for us. We stayed at home with him for a few hours after his birth since he was stable so we could hold him before going to the hospital. We were in the Emergency room from 8pm until 3:00 am at which point they moved us to the NICU. I finally went home for some much needed sleep ( I had been up for 40 hours) by 4:30 a.m. It was so hard to leave him and that first night away from him I kept waking up and crying. It felt like I had gone through pregnancy and childbirth and then someone had just taken him away.
My sleep was fitful at best and my husband said he could tell I was mentally and emotionally searching for Eli all night.
: Yeah, it was really hard.
Eli is healthy and well, but we can't bring him home until the feeding challenges are figured out. I am so heartbroken that I can't breastfeed but I am pumping and I am very determined to be able to tube/bottle feed him breastmilk. As of now, he is being fed through a special bottle and what he doesn't finish they give to him through the tube. He has to take 42 ml 2-3 times before they will let us go home. The best we have gotten so far was 40 ml and it's not consistent enough for them. Everyone at the hospital keeps coming and asking where I had him. I proudly tell them I had him at home and most of them just kind of stare at me like they aren't sure they believe me. One male nurse said "What?! No drugs?" and my dear midwifes response was "Yes, contrary to popular belief women can still give birth without drugs"
The look on his face was pretty great.
It has been hard for me to get used to being separated from my son. When he was in my womb It felt safe and I knew where he was and what he was up to. I absolutely adore holding him but there are moments where I wish he could just be in my belly still so he would be near me and I could feel him move inside me. I keep putting my hands to my belly and feel kind of empty and it's weird to not feel him kicking anymore. I know I am tired and emotional so I am trying to keep moving forward and to also remember to take care of myself. I have no clue what today or tomorrow will bring but I am not really worried. I know we have a very long hard road ahead of us but Gods hand has been on this little one his whole short life and I feel so honored that God chose me to be his mommy. So, I guess thats all. Thank you for reading.
Eli and Mommy
My husband was amazing. I couldnt have done it without him. During transition I pretty much told him I didn't want to give birth ever again and the sweetheart he is he just held me and said "Okay, Thats okay, I've always wanted to adopt." Smart man for not arguing with me. Eli was born with a severe cleft lip and palate something we were not expecting as it had not been detected in the ultrasounds. They said everything looked normal despite my feeling that something was off on his profile picture. I figured they knew better than I. Before my midwife passed him to me she said to me "Taylor, I have to tell you that your son has a birth defect." I guess she didn't want me to be shocked but somehow I just wasn't
It's hard for me to explain but I wasn't surprised or shocked. I guess what I am saying is that my son is perfect and I have never looked at him in any other way. When I saw him, he was just how I imagined. It was like I had seen him before and I knew him so well already. Completely perfect. I took him into my arms and he looked up at me and we stared into each others eyes for the longest time. Then he smiled at me and made some of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. My heart was and is so full of joy. Eli is so beautiful and has such a sweet spirit and he absolutely adores his daddy.
Having said all of that, the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster for us. We stayed at home with him for a few hours after his birth since he was stable so we could hold him before going to the hospital. We were in the Emergency room from 8pm until 3:00 am at which point they moved us to the NICU. I finally went home for some much needed sleep ( I had been up for 40 hours) by 4:30 a.m. It was so hard to leave him and that first night away from him I kept waking up and crying. It felt like I had gone through pregnancy and childbirth and then someone had just taken him away.
My sleep was fitful at best and my husband said he could tell I was mentally and emotionally searching for Eli all night.
: Yeah, it was really hard.Eli is healthy and well, but we can't bring him home until the feeding challenges are figured out. I am so heartbroken that I can't breastfeed but I am pumping and I am very determined to be able to tube/bottle feed him breastmilk. As of now, he is being fed through a special bottle and what he doesn't finish they give to him through the tube. He has to take 42 ml 2-3 times before they will let us go home. The best we have gotten so far was 40 ml and it's not consistent enough for them. Everyone at the hospital keeps coming and asking where I had him. I proudly tell them I had him at home and most of them just kind of stare at me like they aren't sure they believe me. One male nurse said "What?! No drugs?" and my dear midwifes response was "Yes, contrary to popular belief women can still give birth without drugs"
The look on his face was pretty great.It has been hard for me to get used to being separated from my son. When he was in my womb It felt safe and I knew where he was and what he was up to. I absolutely adore holding him but there are moments where I wish he could just be in my belly still so he would be near me and I could feel him move inside me. I keep putting my hands to my belly and feel kind of empty and it's weird to not feel him kicking anymore. I know I am tired and emotional so I am trying to keep moving forward and to also remember to take care of myself. I have no clue what today or tomorrow will bring but I am not really worried. I know we have a very long hard road ahead of us but Gods hand has been on this little one his whole short life and I feel so honored that God chose me to be his mommy. So, I guess thats all. Thank you for reading.
Eli and Mommy
Thank you for sharing your story and your pictures. I believe strongly that your son will be all the better due to a gentle birth and then finding out about the cleft palate. He came into this world just as he should have. I'm also impressed and proud of you for pumping so that he can get the best nutrition possible. Please get rest whenever you can (I know that must not be easy). Good luck on everything, I am certain your son will be home with you again very soon!
He is just gorgeous. He obviously came to you for a reason. You are the perfect mother for him. I hope he comes home very quickly and is in your arms where he belongs. 
