Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 7

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by Nature

The fact remains that I do have feelings. Most of you here might be great step parents, and want nothing but peace between everyone. But some of us have the opposite problem. Some of us find that the step parents are cruel, insulting, dismissive, and disrespectful about us and our roles in our childrens lives.

And in my case, her step mother may very well be around her more than I am... but its not because I refuse to be a parent, and that doesn't give her the right to take my role or my title away from me. Using the term Biological Mother implies that the mother is no longer in the picture or that they have a limited role in their life. When saying Biological Father, you might as well say sperm donor.. because that is what everyone else hears.

It does seem picky, tearing about acronyms and word usage.. but its really just a respect thing. We want to feel respected just as much as you step mothers do.

RESPECT... The main reason I RARELY post here in blended, even though I am a former step mom, have three of from me and my children have a NCP and my husband and myself.
Because the blended family forum is mostly used by women who have married or involved with a partner that had children before their relationship started, it is not friendly to the original parents. We are often called horrible names because we want our children supported.

AND FOR THE RECORD....MY CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR SKIDS. They are beautiful children that YOU have the honor of being in their lives.. NOT SOME DIRTY GOD DAMNED MARK ON A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.

[mamameg]

boobybunny, you seem quite upset by all of this and seem to be taking it very personally. If a stepmom here has an issue with the mother of her stepkids, I'm not really sure why YOU would personalize any comments made about that person. Really.... it's not about you. I have a long history with my stepson's mother and if I have ever written anything about her her, I assure you, my frustrations with her have nothing to do with you and your family. Really. I swear.

You know it's interesting... people on mdc constantly vent about mainstream parents and bad parents and we are often encouraged to "judge when necessary", but in this forum, because a stepmom has an issue with the mother of her stepkids, the moms who have kids with a stepmom take it as a slight to them personally. I really don't understand why anyone would take comments made about a very particular, personal family issue as an insult to them.

And honestly, do you all really think that when a stepmom writes "bm" or "skids" in an internet post that they are taking satisfaction from the close association to a bodily function or a mark on underwear? You really think that that's the intention behind that? I mean.... really? I dunno... I guess I'm just more in the mindset of giving people the benefit of the doubt and not assuming they are inherently evil. Oh but wait... we are the evil stepmoms, right? Hmmmm... looks like insults travel both ways.

I've been going back and forth on this issue for the past couple of days. On one hand, I don't want anyone to feel insulted. But on the other hand, I don't understand how internet short hand can make someone feel so insulted. Maybe I have a thicker skin than most. I don't know. This whole thread has left me really frustrated and confused as to why so many people are taking it all so personally. That is not to say I am not open to a different term. I am. But I have to wonder why so many here, more so than in other forums, are personalizing everything to such a degree.

[boobybunny]

Maybe I have personalized it so much be cause the woman that married my former spouse has called our children skids.. to their face, while introducing them to members of her church group.

I am so very upset about this is if you are going to use Internet shorthand with your typing... what is your internal dialog? At what point does your writing shorthand become your actual spoken words? I hate when someone tries to speak or type in LOL or 1 4 C B4 U. The contraction of words to a couple of letters or even one is going to eventually cost us the written word.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

That is just horrible, how your children's Stepmother and Father treated your children, but it's not always like that. Many Stepmothers are good to their children. Just because there's a "Step" or a "Bio" (or a "Foster" or an "Adopted") prefix before "Parent" doesn't mean that they are either a good or a bad or even a mediocre parent. Anyone can be a bad parent. Anyone can be a good parent. Some children are lucky enough to have three or four good parents, some children only have one. Same goes for having bad parents.

I know it's not always like that. Which is why I try to make a point of not lumping everyone into the same kettle of fish. And I think we all have a lot we could learn from each other. But that requires each "side" to at least make an effort to respect the other. So if a particular term or acronym offends one "side", it would seem the respectful thing to do would be to try and find an alternative. IMO.

[cycle]

I know this thread is kind of beaten to death and I haven't read everything but I wanted to weigh in because I am a bit astonished why there are some people who don't see why it could be offensive to some. ITA that BM, BioMom and whatever words are used other than MOM to describe your stepchildren's mother is offensive. They have one Mother (and one Father), so why the clarification?

I know if you are talking about your dsc that you are the Step-parent, I know if you say "their mom" you mean their MOM.

There are Moms & Step-Moms, where's the confusion? They are not two of the same that need designation, like a red car and a green car. One is a person who married a child's parent, and hopefully will have a loving relationship with their partner's children, and one of them either gave birth to the child and/or helped create them...Huge difference.

In this forum there are many times where it (BM) is meant and used by Step-moms negatively, which makes the term more offensive.

I grew up with a Step-Mom and a Step-Dad, my step-mom was pretty mean, but she always called my mom "My Mom". There was never any confusion, never any situation where I needed to specify that this is my Bio Mom or Dad, its just stupid. I really hope the Bio label isn't making into real life with anyone...

It was actually confusing to me at first, because the only time I have ever seen Bio or Birth Mom is in the context of adoption.

BTW, this thread is not directed at any one person.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by cycle

I really hope the Bio label isn't making into real life with anyone...

I think it's been made pretty clear that no one says that in real life. And FWIW, the term biomom has been used on EVERY blended family forum I've ever seen online. It's not like it originated here.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

Maybe I have personalized it so much be cause the woman that married my former spouse has called our children skids.. to their face, while introducing them to members of her church group.

I am so very upset about this is if you are going to use Internet shorthand with your typing... what is your internal dialog? At what point does your writing shorthand become your actual spoken words? I hate when someone tries to speak or type in LOL or 1 4 C B4 U. The contraction of words to a couple of letters or even one is going to eventually cost us the written word.

I'm so very sad to hear that your children's stepmom has treated them that way. That is APPALLING and unacceptable. I guess that's why I have a hard time understanding this - because I would never in a million years even consider using a term like that in real life. Internet shorthand is reserved for the internet only.

And I suppose I understand what you are saying about killing the written word with internet shorthand, but isn't that another issue entirely? This is the first I've seen that concern mentioned and it doesn't really seem to be what most people are saying. I don't see a big movement away from ALL internet shorthand (not in this thread anyway), just bm and skids.

Which, by the way, are not terms I use here. I am just having a hard time understanding why they are so bothersome to people. But when someone has the experiences that boobybunny has had with their kids stepmom, it becomes a little more clear.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of their feelings. I am really, truly just not fully understanding, and I'm trying to change that by discussing it.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by mamameg

I think it's been made pretty clear that no one says that in real life. And FWIW, the term biomom has been used on EVERY blended family forum I've ever seen online. It's not like it originated here.

Well, what about my situation then? I know my daughters step mother is not on this forum.. but she most certainly does call me the biological mother when she has to refer to me.(if she calls me mom in any way at all) So I wouldn't say that no one says it in real life. They clearly do. You might not, but some do.

And another question.... are most blended forums made up primarily of step parents? Because thats the big feeling I've always gotten here. I have felt out of place because a large portion of the posters are step parents that are venting their frustrations about the childs mother more often than not. Yet thats not bashing thats venting. So where can I vent about my daughters step mother? I thought the blended forum would be the place but.. thats seen as bashing apparently. :

[Molliejo]

I thought all the bashing of stepmoms was done in Single Parenting. :

I've never noticed it in this forum.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Laggie

I have to add, I think that we are getting confused by talking about two separate issues:

1. Is BM offensive?

and

2. Is biomom offensive?

Nobody's answered that yet. I'd like to know as well. I don't think I've EVER used the term BM when refering to my stepdaughter's Mother, but I have used BioMom or Biological Mother in reference to my stepdaughter's Mother because, that's what she is, her BioMom, her Biological Mother. Just like I call myself her Stepmom, because that's what I am.

Originally Posted by Nature

I am a mother who's ex has residential. According to paperwork we have 50/50 however she goes to school there, so she's with him all week. He remarried, and they immediatly started trying to get my daughter to call me by my first name. They made her call his new wife "Mommy." Every year they take my information off contact lists with the school, gymnastics, camp, etc. And every year I have to go and write it back in. He even puts his wifes name on the: Biological Mother line. And leaves the Step Parent line for me. They don't tell me if she's very sick, or goes to the hospital. They don't let me know important things going on. In short, they try to pretend I don't exist and leave me out of the loop as much as possible. Erase me from her life.

And lets not get confused here.. I am an active participant. I fought in court for her for 2 years. He won custody on lies and more money than I had. He took my little girl that was only 4 years old at the time and ripped her away from me. Found a new woman and had an insta family.

She still calls her Mommy, and calls me Mom. When they speak about me, they don't refer to me as her mother at all. They use my first name to her.

So yes, I may have personal feelings as to why I agree with the OP. The fact remains that I do have feelings. Most of you here might be great step parents, and want nothing but peace between everyone. But some of us have the opposite problem. Some of us find that the step parents are cruel, insulting, dismissive, and disrespectful about us and our roles in our childrens lives.

And in my case, her step mother may very well be around her more than I am... but its not because I refuse to be a parent, and that doesn't give her the right to take my role or my title away from me. Using the term Biological Mother implies that the mother is no longer in the picture or that they have a limited role in their life. When saying Biological Father, you might as well say sperm donor.. because that is what everyone else hears.

I can see why you're upset and might think that everyone feels that you don't matter, but your daughter's Stepmother and your ExHusband ever moreso are WRONG. I'm sorry it worked out that way for you and your daughter. There's no excuse for that and I honestly could not IMAGINE doing that to my stepdaughter and her Mother. It's just that, the way I always figured it was, the more parents that love a child, the more parents involved in a child's life, the more cared for and loved a child will feel. There is no excuse for cutting out any parent unless they're life or health is seriously in danger. If a Stepmother really cared about her stepdaughter, she would not be doing what she does to her stepdaughter, like your daughter's does. She sounds like a control freak and it makes me sad- for you and your daughter and for all the "good" Stepmothers out there who have to be lumped in with people like that. :

Originally Posted by boobybunny

Maybe I have personalized it so much be cause the woman that married my former spouse has called our children skids.. to their face, while introducing them to members of her church group.

These stories are depressing. It makes me embarrassed to be a Stepmother, even though I try my darnest to make sure everyone in my stepdaughter's family gets treated with due respect.

Originally Posted by boobybunny

I am so very upset about this is if you are going to use Internet shorthand with your typing... what is your internal dialog? At what point does your writing shorthand become your actual spoken words? I hate when someone tries to speak or type in LOL or 1 4 C B4 U. The contraction of words to a couple of letters or even one is going to eventually cost us the written word.

Huh? The only time I hear Internet Shorthand spoken is on those comercials with the preteen daughter talking to her Mother and her Mother not understanding a thing she's saying. I was surprised someone actually used the term skids in real life, but do people actually use Internet Shorthand in real life now?

Originally Posted by mtiger

I know it's not always like that. Which is why I try to make a point of not lumping everyone into the same kettle of fish. And I think we all have a lot we could learn from each other. But that requires each "side" to at least make an effort to respect the other. So if a particular term or acronym offends one "side", it would seem the respectful thing to do would be to try and find an alternative. IMO.

Your theory sounds good, but there are some holes in it. Again, I completely understand and agree with the BM= Bowel Movement, but I'm not sure I understand the Biological Mother or BioMom bit. I guess because I've always considered a BioMom or a Biological Mother (same with BioDad and Biological Father) someone that has blood ties to a child, whether or not they're actually raising them. Me, my Hubby, my son, my stepdaughter AND my stepdaughter's Mother use the terms to distinguish between who's who. My stepdaughter's Mother is her Biological Mother and her Daddy is her Biological Dad, also known as Mom and Dad. I am my son's Biological Mother, also known as Mom to him. I am my stepdaughter's Stepmother, also known as Krissy. My son's Biological Father is not in the picture, but we acknowlegde that he has one. My son refers to him as "my Father". My Hubby is my son's Stepfather and my stepdaughter's Biological Father, also known as Daddy to both of them. My children know that they are stepsister and stepbrother. My son knows he has a Stepmother and a younger sister from his Biological Father. He knows that she is technically his half sister. Both my children wish my Hubby and I would have a baby together, something that unfortunately will not be able to happen. They know that if we did, that would be their half sister or half brother. If we had two babies together, the two babies would be full sister and brother, but half sister and brother to both my son and my stepdaughter even though my son and my stepdaughter are technically stepsiblings. They also know that if my stepdaughter's Mother ever remarries, her Husband will be her Stepfather and if they have children together, they will be her half siblings. They think it's funny, all these different names for people. My point is, none of the three adults (Katherine's Mother included) or either of the two children find any of these derogatory (though with the fairy tales, I wouldn't mind being refered to as Katherine's Bonus Mom instead of her Stepmom, but her MOTHER prefers the term, STEPmother so that's what I got stuck with), the terms are just to clarify who's who, is all. It's even harder online sometimes to remember who's a Stepmother, who's a "Real" Mother, etc.

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by Nature

And another question.... are most blended forums made up primarily of step parents? Because thats the big feeling I've always gotten here. I have felt out of place because a large portion of the posters are step parents that are venting their frustrations about the childs mother more often than not. Yet thats not bashing thats venting. So where can I vent about my daughters step mother? I thought the blended forum would be the place but.. thats seen as bashing apparently. :

I think everyone can co-exist on a forum like this if each understand:
1. When a stepmom is venting about her stepchild's mom, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
2. When a mother of a child with a stepmother is venting about her child's stepmother, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
3. On the rare occasion that someone does issue a blanket condemnation of moms, stepmoms, biological moms, "real" moms, birth moms, adoptive moms, dads, whatever...call them on it.

[Molliejo]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

I think everyone can co-exist on a forum like this if each understand:
1. When a stepmom is venting about her stepchild's mom, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
2. When a mother of a child with a stepmother is venting about her child's stepmother, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
3. On the rare occasion that someone does issue a blanket condemnation of moms, stepmoms, biological moms, "real" moms, birth moms, adoptive moms, dads, whatever...call them on it.

I like it.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

I can see why you're upset and might think that everyone feels that you don't matter, but your daughter's Stepmother and your ExHusband ever moreso are WRONG. I'm sorry it worked out that way for you and your daughter. There's no excuse for that and I honestly could not IMAGINE doing that to my stepdaughter and her Mother. It's just that, the way I always figured it was, the more parents that love a child, the more parents involved in a child's life, the more cared for and loved a child will feel. There is no excuse for cutting out any parent unless they're life or health is seriously in danger. If a Stepmother really cared about her stepdaughter, she would not be doing what she does to her stepdaughter, like your daughter's does. She sounds like a control freak and it makes me sad- for you and your daughter and for all the "good" Stepmothers out there who have to be lumped in with people like that. :



These stories are depressing. It makes me embarrassed to be a Stepmother, even though I try my darnest to make sure everyone in my stepdaughter's family gets treated with due respect.

I'm the same way. I was happy when my ex remarried. And having more people to love my daughter is exactly what I told her about families with more than one father and more than one mother. I just don't feel it back from them. I would love for us all to get along and be civil to each other. I hold no ill will for my ex husband, nor do I hold onto any feelings other than respect that he is the father of our child. It just seems in my situation that there is a lot of anger and hatred towards me, not only by him and his wife, but by their families as well. My daughter has to listen to a lot of badmouthing when she's there.

And just touching upon what you said about half siblings, I do have other children from my current husband and we don't call them half siblings to my oldest. However, my ex and his wife do. They make a point to tell my daughter that they are only HALF related to her, and not "real" siblings. "Real" siblings he told her, will be when he and his wife have children.

Please don't think that I believe all step parents act like this. I know they don't. Sometimes though, hearing "Biological Mother" before everything kinda does hurt. Even when I know the situation isn't mine. Its like a tiny jab against me. I'm willing to say that maybe I'm just extreemly sensitive given my circumstances, and thats alright. I just really wanted to give my input as someone who does look at those titles online and feel a bit slighted sometimes.

I mean no disrepect to anyone here, and I hope I haven't offended anyone.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by mamameg

I think it's been made pretty clear that no one says that in real life. And FWIW, the term biomom has been used on EVERY blended family forum I've ever seen online. It's not like it originated here.

There are some mommas on here saying that they know of it being used IRL. It doesn't matter where it originated, its still offensive.

Originally Posted by norajane

I thought all the bashing of stepmoms was done in Single Parenting. :

I've never noticed it in this forum.

Who's bashing step-moms, here or in Single Parenting? I haven't seen any "bashing" of step-moms in the Singles forum but I have certainly seen bashing by step-moms of the "real" moms in this forum.

[cycle]

To answer Harleyhalfmoon, BM & Bio or Birth mom is offensive. That there is any designation at all is offensive. As I said in a previous post, children have a MOM and a STEP-MOM, no other clarification is necessary.

[flapjack]

Originally Posted by mamabadger

I'm going to come right out and say that this is a slight that the members should probably live with. Yes, some stepmothers take the role of mother full time. So do some grandmothers, aunts and the like. They cannot all be called "mother" just because they are currently filling that role. We are looking for accuracy, I hope, and not just verbal awards.

The name "birth mother" was used in adoption discussions to differentiate between the woman who gave birth and the woman who adopted the child. It was a reasonable distinction, because an adoptive mother is considered to be the child's mother now, period. That is not normally the case with step or extended families.

I am my children's mother. If my DH divorces me and marries another woman, I would be their mother. If he joins a cult and marries six teenaged girls, I would be their mother. Not their bio, birth, ovulatory, genetic, or uterine mother. No prefix is needed on the term mother because it is accurate and sufficient by itself.

:

We're very clear in our house. DH is generally referred to as dad, but he, I, ex and everyone except blinding idiots outside the family who really don't matter get that he is NOT dad: he is the third parent. (FWIW, ex is daddy. My children choose to avoid talking about their fathers new wife when possible, but I believe they call her by her own name.) It is possible to feel love and affection and respect for a child so overwhelming that you feel that your heart would burst without loving them as your own child. It is possible to be driven to distraction and feel bitterly hurt by the rejection and hurtful actions of a child without having loved them as your own child: and THIS is the issue. That if we're actually going to move on and deal with the reality of parenting in the 21st century, where 50% of children entering primary school have parents who are no longer partners, then it's about time that we started reviewing language. Birth mom isn't relevant to stepfamilies, it's a position of respect but limited authority in the world of adoption. Here, we need to find our own words to describe our own reality, bearing in mind the fact that society insists on maintaining barriers between the adult women in the family.

Here's a question for everyone: why is it that so many women on MDC have children by two or more fathers and yet don't post in this forum?????

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by CorasMama

I feel horribly uncomfortable here, and I'll tell you why.

Every time I come to this forum, I get so angry, I cannot "hear" what people have to say, over their screaming insulting attitude toward the mothers of their stepchildren.

I see stepmoms calling the mothers of their stepchildren "birth mothers" "bio mothers" : or worse, "bm"s .
I am talking about the moms who are being moms to their children, even if they do not have primary custody. Calling the mother of your stepchildren something other than their mother is beyond insulting.

I am Cora's mother. Just because my DXH gets married, doesn't make me less her mother. His Fiancee is not adopting her, and I am not going to parent any less. But even if we switched for whatever reason, and he had primary physical custody, and I only visitation, I would still be her mother.

She will be Cora's stepmother, and a wonderful one at that. But a stepmother nonetheless.

Also, frankly, I see using these names as a symptom of a larger attitude towards your stepchildren's mothers, and it cannot be good for the family dynamic. Just something to think about.

I totally agree with you.
I am a stepmother (and a stepdaughter).
As far as I recall, I have always referred to my stepson's mother as his mother.
I really hate all the personal abbreviations on this forum. I don't even like the abbreviations: dh, dp, so, dd, ds, dsd, dss, etc. They really bother me. I think they are all ridiculous excuses for not typing, although I can understand the need to abbreviate while nursing at the keyboard and typing one handed.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Here's a question for everyone: why is it that so many women on MDC have children by two or more fathers and yet don't post in this forum?????

I first came to this forum because my family is blended. My husband is a step father to my oldest, and my ex husband remarried and my oldest now has a step mother over there as well. Even though I am not the step parent, I still believed this to be the place I should be. (though I have been a step parent in the past)

I honestly do think that most mothers don't post here because they feel this forum is for step mothers mainly. At times I've wondered that myself.

[boobybunny]

For me, the biggest part of the bio, step, bm or skids issues are now that there are voices coming up and saying "hey we find this offensive." There are people who are claiming that since they don't mean for it to be offensive, it is not. And in so doing, refusing to change their language, and laying the blame for feeling offended on the offended.

This makes no sense to me. My daughter talks like donkey from the shrek movies... so much so that her brother started calling her donkey. She told him (and me) that she does not like it, and he stopped calling her that.

If I were consistently saying or writing something that someone finds offensive, and they called me on it, I would do my best to correct my behavior. Not try to find fault in the one being offended, but try to understand why my words would be offensive. But then, I was raised by liberal upstanding atheist parents who expected me to respect others in the world.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

If I were consistently saying or writing something that someone finds offensive, and they called me on it, I would do my best to correct my behavior. Not try to find fault in the one being offended, but try to understand why my words would be offensive. But then, I was raised by liberal upstanding atheist parents who expected me to respect others in the world.

This is how you respect others... by insinuating we were raised poorly simply because we don't share your exact perspective on an issue? :

I am trying to understand, but I don't entirely. It's not that a refuse to. I just don't understand. This conversation is helping me begin to understand, because some people are dealing with horrible stepmoms who do things I would never even dream of doing. But I still don't see how my personal experiences are insulting to another. Because this conversation has gone beyond the language of bm or skids (which I don't even use). It's not gone on to state that the fact the stepmoms vent here about their situations are insulting to all mothers and we are making you all feel unwelcome here. I am seriously about to check out of this thread and this forum because it seems that people are trying way to hard to be right and not really trying to give each other the benefit of the doubt that we are all dealing with our own unique challenges and talking about them here is just a means to work through issues without blowing up at the people in our real lives. Whatever. Seriously. I'm out.