Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 8

[Nature]

Originally Posted by mamameg

It's not gone on to state that the fact the stepmoms vent here about their situations are insulting to all mothers and we are making you all feel unwelcome here.

I can only speak for myself, but.. I didn't mean that step moms venting was insulting to me as a mother. I only meant that sometimes it feels like the majority of posters in here are step moms, and because of that.. I don't feel like I can vent about my experiences without offending people in here. It has happened in the past on this board. I've seen a mother basically torn apart for venting about a step mother. That same tearing apart mentality doesn't apply to the step moms because it seems there are more of them here. Thats all I meant to say regarding that.

I apologize if it was my post that upset you. I certainly didn't mean to.

[UptownZoo]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Here's a question for everyone: why is it that so many women on MDC have children by two or more fathers and yet don't post in this forum?????

Well, shoot, I dunno why THEY don't, but I do, and I have the most complicated family situation (including children by two fathers) of almost anyone I know!

It's probably like so many other things in life: I go where the current drama in my life is happening, so when my blended family crap is showing up, I'm here, and otherwise just occasionally, trying to give support where I can. I can change my language, though I'm not entirely sure it will help. When people vent, other people often get hurt through no fault of the original vent-er.

[UptownZoo]

Originally Posted by Nature

And another question.... are most blended forums made up primarily of step parents? Because thats the big feeling I've always gotten here. I have felt out of place because a large portion of the posters are step parents that are venting their frustrations about the childs mother more often than not. Yet thats not bashing thats venting. So where can I vent about my daughters step mother? I thought the blended forum would be the place but.. thats seen as bashing apparently. :

I don't think so; I think the majority of moms here are BOTH, or have been in both positions at some point in their lives. Modern family life tends to be somewhat fluid. : That's what makes it so confusing. Parents used to have a lot of kids; now kids have a lot of parents!

I've vented about my situation from both "sides" (hate to use that kind of thinking, but I'm in a hurry) and haven't had a problem. It's true that there have been many more problems in our lives because of SS's mom than because of my kids' SM, but that's just the nature of those particular relationships, not because of the title anyone carries. I certainly wouldn't go around vilifying any category of people. That would be kinda ridiculous, considering that I've been every kind of mother except a MIL (and I'm sure I'll be that w/in the next 20 years, too).

[Oriole]

Jumping in again...

*I stopped using bm or biomom. I never meant for it to be offensive, and the first time I read this thread - I changed what I did, because I want to get along, and I don't want anyone to feel unwelcomed here.

*I never used "biomom" in real life.

*Can I get a hug for my efforts?

*Lets keep on venting and keep an open mind.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Jumping in again...

*I stopped using bm or biomom. I never meant for it to be offensive, and the first time I read this thread - I changed what I did, because I want to get along, and I don't want anyone to feel unwelcomed here.

*I never used "biomom" in real life.

*Can I get a hug for my efforts?

*Lets keep on venting and keep an open mind.

Thank you Oriole

[blessed]

My child was adopted and we use the term 'birthmom' and the written abbreviation 'bmom'.

I think when someone is involved in actively parenting the child - as in a shared or partial custody situation - that person reserves the term 'mother' or 'father'. When the person has no real role in the child's life, then I can see how the child might want to reserve those terms for the people who are parenting him or her and refer to their birthparent in a more abstracted way, like with their first name.

[~PurityLake~]

My last post (#137) I posted after just reading the OP.
I've now read this entire thread and have a few more comments to make.

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I suggested some acronyms further up, someone else suggest some.
I'd hate for this to become one of those threads where everyone sits around complaining about the problem but does not actually does anything to solve the problem.

I liked your suggestions and I agree that I'd like to see this problem resolved.

Originally Posted by anj119

I, for one, am glad that someone had the kahones to say something about it, finally.

When I learn that, by my use of language or by my mis-use of it, I unintentionally cause offense or insult to my audience, then I have a choice to make.
I either blame the audience, deny any responsibility, and assert the goodness of my intentions
or I modify my language to achieve my goal which is open communication with a diverse community.... to represent myself accurately, honestly and with respect for how that will translate with my audience.

DearStepSon'sMother DSSM
DearStepDaughter'sMother DSDM
or DearStepChildren'sMother DSCM
these are good! And, easy to use!
are they not?

-anj119

I agree, wonderful suggestions that follow the theme of other abbreviations used here on MDC.

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

I would love to be called Katherine's Bonus Mom instead of her Stepmom. BM for short? No problem.

Yes, Bonus mom is so much better than Step mom.

Originally Posted by boobybunny

I am so very upset about this is if you are going to use Internet shorthand with your typing... what is your internal dialog? At what point does your writing shorthand become your actual spoken words? I hate when someone tries to speak or type in LOL or 1 4 C B4 U. The contraction of words to a couple of letters or even one is going to eventually cost us the written word.

Yes, I agree, and I hate reading most internet shorthand. It wounds my sensibilities to read letters mixed with numbers, or words spelled in slang form, or half-used acronyms, such as skids (I do read it as it's spelled and I don't like it.)

Originally Posted by cycle

To answer Harleyhalfmoon, BM & Bio or Birth mom is offensive. That there is any designation at all is offensive. As I said in a previous post, children have a MOM and a STEP-MOM, no other clarification is necessary.

I also agree with this.
No matter the special circumstances of an individual, I think the original father/dad should be called as such, and the original mother/mom should as well.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by blessed

My child was adopted and we use the term 'birthmom' and the written abbreviation 'bmom'.

I think when someone is involved in actively parenting the child - as in a shared or partial custody situation - that person reserves the term 'mother' or 'father'. When the person has no real role in the child's life, then I can see how the child might want to reserve those terms for the people who are parenting him or her and refer to their birthparent in a more abstracted way, like with their first name.

Thank you blessed. I agree.

[sunflowers]

Originally Posted by Nature

I honestly do think that most mothers don't post here because they feel this forum is for step mothers mainly. At times I've wondered that myself.

I feel like the forum should be called StepParents Families and not include the Blended Families part. I consider my situation to be more of a blended situation although I have no step children. But I tend to go to the Single Parenting forum if I want to talk about problems I'm having with her stepmother or her father. The posters there tend to be less defensive about these kind of issues, IMO. But that's just MY opinion.

Originally Posted by blessed

My child was adopted and we use the term 'birthmom' and the written abbreviation 'bmom'.

I think when someone is involved in actively parenting the child - as in a shared or partial custody situation - that person reserves the term 'mother' or 'father'. When the person has no real role in the child's life, then I can see how the child might want to reserve those terms for the people who are parenting him or her and refer to their birthparent in a more abstracted way, like with their first name.

I am an adopted child and I refer to the person who gave birth to me as a birth (or bio) mother. My Mom is the one who gets the title mom. Why should it be different in a step situation? If the Step mom is the one who does all of the raising and the "real" mother is uninvolved, the title is a no brainer.

I find the term Birth/bio mother offensive to my role in my daughter's life.

I've seen the term Active dad/mom used to refer to a NCP who is involved and active. Maybe those who have custody of their stepkids can use the term active mom instead of birth mom. How about Custodial Mom/Dad?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

I think everyone can co-exist on a forum like this if each understand:
1. When a stepmom is venting about her stepchild's mom, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
2. When a mother of a child with a stepmother is venting about her child's stepmother, that is specific to her situation and not a blanket condemnation of anyone.
3. On the rare occasion that someone does issue a blanket condemnation of moms, stepmoms, biological moms, "real" moms, birth moms, adoptive moms, dads, whatever...call them on it.

I agree.

Originally Posted by Nature

And just touching upon what you said about half siblings, I do have other children from my current husband and we don't call them half siblings to my oldest. However, my ex and his wife do. They make a point to tell my daughter that they are only HALF related to her, and not "real" siblings. "Real" siblings he told her, will be when he and his wife have children.

I think you may have slightly misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was, we use those terms when neccesary in our home, but not all the time, just when we clarify for some reason. Also, I would like to point out that we don't use the term "real" siblings in our house. The way we put it is, you're either siblings or your not. There's no "real" as opposed to "fake". I'll never forget how hurt I felt (Hubby and son, too), when my stepdaughter, at age three, told us she had to leave and go home to her Mother because she has to spend Easter with her REAL family. Since then, we've all (all three parents) have been very careful about clarification with Bio and Step and such, as opposed to "real family" and "other family" or worse, "fake family".

Originally Posted by boobybunny

For me, the biggest part of the bio, step, bm or skids issues are now that there are voices coming up and saying "hey we find this offensive." There are people who are claiming that since they don't mean for it to be offensive, it is not. And in so doing, refusing to change their language, and laying the blame for feeling offended on the offended.

I've been reading in forums for 5 or 6 years now and I suspect that in many cases, the mere existance of the "other one", whether or not the other one is the Stepmother or the "real" Mother, is offensive to the one talking. And if everyone stopped saying one thing because it offended another person, no one would ever be allowed to vent, express their own feelings or draw comfort from someone who's been in a similar situation before them, someone who can say, "Hey, there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

[Nature]

Originally Posted by sunflowers

I am an adopted child and I refer to the person who gave birth to me as a birth (or bio) mother. My Mom is the one who gets the title mom. Why should it be different in a step situation? If the Step mom is the one who does all of the raising and the "real" mother is uninvolved, the title is a no brainer.

I find the term Birth/bio mother offensive to my role in my daughter's life.

I've seen the term Active dad/mom used to refer to a NCP who is involved and active. Maybe those who have custody of their stepkids can use the term active mom instead of birth mom. How about Custodial Mom/Dad?

I'm honestly curious here.. I know if anyone asks my daughters step mother if I'm an involved mother, she would most certainly say 'no.' She is there during the day to day things and I am not. So she does the most work in the situation right? But in my situation, my role was literally stolen from me. I didn't give it up. And I actively try to be involved as much as possible and yet am pushed aside all the time.

Are the step mother in this forum being honest when they talk about their step childrens mothers being uninvolved or out of the picture? Or do you fabricate just a little because it makes you feel more important or better?

I mean no disrespect, I'm just curious.

Why must titles rely on who spends more time with the child? Its not always less time by choice. Why should my title be changed to something else because of it? Isn't Mother, Mom, Mama, or Mommy good enough?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Nature

Are the step mother in this forum being honest when they talk about their step childrens mothers being uninvolved or out of the picture? Or do you fabricate just a little because it makes you feel more important or better?

I mean no disrespect, I'm just curious.

I'd be very careful there if I were you. It sounds like you're at risk of villifying Stepmothers. (And you might even be asked the same thing as a "real" Mother.)

To answer your question, I think people call it how they see it, but at the same time, if you ask ten different people the same thing about the same situation with all the "facts", chances are, you're gonna get ten different answers. It's a matter of perspective. Sometimes you're completely right, sometimes you're completely wrong and most of the time, you're somewhere in the middle.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

I think you may have slightly misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was, we use those terms when neccesary in our home, but not all the time, just when we clarify for some reason. Also, I would like to point out that we don't use the term "real" siblings in our house. The way we put it is, you're either siblings or your not. There's no "real" as opposed to "fake". I'll never forget how hurt I felt (Hubby and son, too), when my stepdaughter, at age three, told us she had to leave and go home to her Mother because she has to spend Easter with her REAL family. Since then, we've all (all three parents) have been very careful about clarification with Bio and Step and such, as opposed to "real family" and "other family" or worse, "fake family".

Oh I knew you meant that you didn't seperate like that. I understood. I was just saying my experience with siblings. My daughter has also come back from her father house calling both her step mother and her step father (my dh) "fake" parents. We talked about that word usage and how it was not accurate and hurtful.

Sometimes I think it puts a lot of expectations on a child to know how to navigate this adult world. At my daughters preschool graduation, they gave all the kids a picture in a frame to give to their mother. My daughter looked at me, then at her step mother. Back at me, and then her step mother. I could tell she was torn because she didn't want to hurt anyones feelings, and yet.. she had to leave the stage to hand the picture to someone. She was put on the spot.

Ultimatly she went to her step mother because my ex husband was waving her over and calling her name, and she didn't want to upset him too. I felt like I died a little bit inside that day, and I know later I cried for quite awhile. That scenerio has repeated itself time and time again. My daughter wants to please everyone, and there is so much pressure from the other side to choose them that most of the time.. she does.

I just want my daughter to be happy, and not feel put on the spot. So even though it kills me inside every time she chooses her step mother over me.. I swallow it, because I know it makes life for her easier. Knowing I won't be angry at her for her choice, when the past as shown that they do get upset when she chooses "wrong."

I wish schools and other things would be more accommodating to blended families. I'm not sure if its my state, or area, or what.. but I've found them not to be at all. They do things that really hinder my ability to be a part of her schooling.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

I'd be very careful there if I were you. It sounds like you're at risk of villifying Stepmothers. (And you might even be asked the same thing as a "real" Mother.)

To answer your question, I think people call it how they see it, but at the same time, if you ask ten different people the same thing about the same situation with all the "facts", chances are, you're gonna get ten different answers. It's a matter of perspective. Sometimes you're completely right, sometimes you're completely wrong and most of the time, you're somewhere in the middle.

If all my posts haven't stated how I felt about step mothers in general, than I'm not sure how much clearer I can be. It was an honest question, as stated. Not an attempt to vilify anyone. I simply don't have it in me to vilify. Everyones situation is different. I've only talked about mine and made no generalizations whatsoever.

And to answer the other way around, no one ever asks me how involved I am in my daughters life or how involved her step mother is or her father. They find out she is with him during the week for school and automatically assume I'm a horrible mother because I lost her to them. Thats not just assumption on my part either. I've had people tell me many times that they thought I was an uninvolved mother because, "Good mothers don't lose custody. Not unless they've been abusive or neglectful."

I deal with plenty of preconceived judgments and vilifying. I don't have any desire to make others feel that badly.

[yarngoddess]

I feel very niave! I thought the term BioMom was only used in the case of adoption! I think that those terms are hurtful also. I am not in a blended family right now, however I come from one. Calling a child's parent names other than their real name causes SO MUCH PAIN!!! Please don't do that around your child, no don't say that outloud!

I also agree that there should be a forum for blended families. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and being a blended family makes that job even more difficult! You all rock for loving these kids, because they need all that you can give.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Nature

If all my posts haven't stated how I felt about step mothers in general, than I'm not sure how much clearer I can be. It was an honest question, as stated. Not an attempt to vilify anyone. I simply don't have it in me to vilify. Everyones situation is different. I've only talked about mine and made no generalizations whatsoever.

I didn't mean that you were actually trying to villify Stepmothers, but that, with the way you worded it, it could almost be taken as accusing Stepmothers of lying about their stepchild's Mother to make themselves look good. It's hard for people not to take offense if it sounds like someone is implying that you are lying about something. Know what I mean? Actually, I did have to reread your post at first because that was my first thought- that your thought Stepmothers in general lie about their stepchildren's Mothers- and then I realized that you probably didn't mean it quite like that so I was trying to give you a little headsup in case anyone else got that same impression at first.

Originally Posted by Nature

And to answer the other way around, no one ever asks me how involved I am in my daughters life or how involved her step mother is or her father. They find out she is with him during the week for school and automatically assume I'm a horrible mother because I lost her to them. Thats not just assumption on my part either. I've had people tell me many times that they thought I was an uninvolved mother because, "Good mothers don't lose custody. Not unless they've been abusive or neglectful."

I was only saying that someone might take offense and ask if maybe Mother's weren't exaggerating about their children's Stepmothers.

Originally Posted by Nature

I deal with plenty of preconceived judgments and vilifying. I don't have any desire to make others feel that badly.

Yeah, that's pretty much where I am right now, too. Life's hard enough without making it harder.

[anj119]

whew....! we are getting a lot going on here, aren't we? I say let's hang in there, with all of us together and all of us (and I believe this is true) really hoping for a unifying resolution.... we really can't go wrong.

A lot of stuff is coming out here and so.... definitely we are getting somewhere and definitely we are uncomfortable as a group so... this is good, we will adjust.

A little earlier in this thread Laggie gave me a much needed reminder which was to stay focused. She made the observation that we seem to be blending two issues here and she described those issues, one and two.
1.) is bio-mom offensive?
2.)is BM offensive?
That helped me, Laggie so thanks.

It is clear to me that each side feels disrespected, both the moms and the step moms.

The original post contains some language about the OP's hunch that the less than friendly attitude toward mothers in general at this board were not the result of the shorthand it uses, but rather that the shorthand reflects the less than friendly attitude of the users of the board. And, it really is my worst fear..... that the relationship between the moms and the other moms really is basically antagonistic and that this is not something which I can overcome, either here or in my own life. And, that the thing which repels us really is rooted deeper than it is possible for me to yet fathom.
That is my worst fear about all this.

When this thread first began, many folks hurried to say.... 'oh no no no, sweetie. You've got it all wrong. You see, the terms i use are simply internet shorthand and my use of them in no way carries with it any sort of implication about you, sweetie. Don't take everything so personally. Its not about you , ]it's about the shorthand. Some people, huh? sheeesh....'
and some tsk tsks resounded for a while.

I would like to remind us that the argument outlined above is where we started. We started at zero. Incredulous, defensive denial, then indignance, and now we've arrived at some overt hostility... And, there is plenty of evidence at this point, to me, that this issue is a far cry from small or petty or insignificant. Still, there are those whose contribution (and at this developed stage!) echoes the minimization that took place earlier.

The contribution made by step parents in families is not in question here. The nature of the relationship between parents and children is factual and is not an insult or a slight to other adult family members. Mothering is an act. Step mother is a title. Mother is a title. Loving a child, contributing to the well being of that child, tending to the day to day responsibilities of a parent..... these things are not the sole domain of mothers.
Nor are they the sole domain of step mothers.
All sorts of activities engaged in by all sorts of people every day could rightly be called mothering.
This does not make those people mothers though, does it?

If there is no shame in being a step parent, and if the term step parent is not imbued with indignity...... what reason do you have not to use it?
Similarly, one who can be called mother is not given automatic designation as 'good' . One is not made inherently good by way of passing on genetic material and thereby falling into the category of mother.
This, in response to those expressing reluctance to call the woman providing genetic material the children's mother.

My father left me very suddenly without explanation at an early age. I am thirty four years old and it was only within the last year that I realized he is never coming back. I have been angry with him for the majority of my life..... I have been fortunate to have had loving adult male family members and friends in my life, a few step-fathers some good some bad...... my dad hurt me and i wished at one time he were not my dad but he is and all of the men who have played real roles, the men who modeled for me all of the qualities of a father..... the importance of the contributions made by those men are made no less, those men are made no less by not being my dad
who left..... (yes, i think i said already)
a long time ago .....
my dad and his contributions to my life are similarly not made 'more' simply by his paternity

anyway I'm rambling
and I'm sorry

-anj119

[Nature]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

I didn't mean that you were actually trying to villify Stepmothers, but that, with the way you worded it, it could almost be taken as accusing Stepmothers of lying about their stepchild's Mother to make themselves look good. It's hard for people not to take offense if it sounds like someone is implying that you are lying about something. Know what I mean? Actually, I did have to reread your post at first because that was my first thought- that your thought Stepmothers in general lie about their stepchildren's Mothers- and then I realized that you probably didn't mean it quite like that so I was trying to give you a little headsup in case anyone else got that same impression at first.



I was only saying that someone might take offense and ask if maybe Mother's weren't exaggerating about their children's Stepmothers.

I can see that now. I apologize if thats how it came across. I honestly just meant it as an honest question. Though I guess no one would probably admit to exaggerating anyway right? I'm sure there are both step parents and parents that do lie about the other one. I just don't hear much about it, so I was curious. Mostly, I'd just like to know why my ex's husband wife treats me the way she does. Why there is no respect at all. I am at a loss of what to do except just try to survive the next 9 years.

I'm in a fairly unique situation, so I often don't feel like I have much support. No one wants to support the mother thats "most likely" a child abuser, ya know? : Sometimes when I read posts in single parenting or whatnot about custody battles, it hurts so much to read over and over from people.. "Courts almost never take away custody from the mother unless there is abuse that is proven." and "Don't worry about it! Courts favor the mother!" because in my experience.. it just simply wasn't true. And I listened to people like that, and was blind sighted when they came and took my daughter.

And I realize I'm rambling and gone way OT and I apologise. Some things are hard to separate when I talk about them..

[Molliejo]

Originally Posted by Nature

I'm in a fairly unique situation, so I often don't feel like I have much support. No one wants to support the mother thats "most likely" a child abuser, ya know? : Sometimes when I read posts in single parenting or whatnot about custody battles, it hurts so much to read over and over from people.. "Courts almost never take away custody from the mother unless there is abuse that is proven." and "Don't worry about it! Courts favor the mother!" because in my experience.. it just simply wasn't true. And I listened to people like that, and was blind sighted when they came and took my daughter.

And I realize I'm rambling and gone way OT and I apologise. Some things are hard to separate when I talk about them..

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Nature

I'm in a fairly unique situation, so I often don't feel like I have much support. No one wants to support the mother thats "most likely" a child abuser, ya know? : Sometimes when I read posts in single parenting or whatnot about custody battles, it hurts so much to read over and over from people.. "Courts almost never take away custody from the mother unless there is abuse that is proven." and "Don't worry about it! Courts favor the mother!" because in my experience.. it just simply wasn't true. And I listened to people like that, and was blind sighted when they came and took my daughter.

I just posted in response to you in another thread about your daughter's Stepmother (and Father- he allows her to treat you that way) that there is no excuse for the way she treats you. It makes me sad to think what you must go through because of her.