Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 9

[UptownZoo]

Ang119, thank you for your post! I think you made some excellent points. I think that this conversation, like most heated, highly emotional conversations, is about more than it's about.

Blended family life is HARD. Whatever our situations are (and there is a huge variety of experience here), it took pain to get most of us here. Few of us are "blended" w/o a tragedy behind us, whether that tragedy was divorce, abandonment, or death (yes, I do recognize that this is not true for 100% of us).

Bottom line, how incredibly, hugely, and vastly does it suck that we have to share the rearing of our children with people we don't know and might not even like? Moreover, when you're the stepmom, you know all the dirty laundry and crap of the mom because dad usually tells. In my case, I read their entire divorce file (over 3 pounds of paper, and don't ask me what possessed me; I regret it to this day), and I knew every one of her complaints about my DH. If you're the mom, you know d@mn well that the SM knows all the worst about you.

It takes an extremely secure mom and an extremely sensitive SM to navigate this relationship successfully. I am a secure mom and my kids' (STBX) SM is sensitive, so we have done well. SS's mom is very insecure and I was (in the first 3 years) very insensitive, so we have done very badly.

So anyway, if I can find my way to my point, the relationship between a stepmom and a mom is bound to be at least a little difficult. Not that it's all drama; like I said, my kids' SM and I have done great. But it's a relationship made from loss and it isn't easy. Most of us, I think, feel disrespected or ignored at least some of the time, and then we come here for a place to vent, some mutual respect, some understanding, and if we don't get what we need, it just adds insult to injury.

So to those who think none of this is any big deal, neither was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. A broken back hurts nevertheless. Honestly, the abbreviations we use don't bother me either, but that doesn't make illegitimate the fact that some are bothered.

[liawbh]

I don't post a whole lot lately, but I petitioned pretty hard for this forum to be created. And when I was more active, I really didn't see any one "side' as being dominant. Maybe it is because I can see all sides of the situation from where I stand.

My Husband and his ex-wife split up in '95, his wife got custody of their daughter. My boyfriend and I split up in '97, I have custody of our son. My husband's ex-wife has an older daughter, who is being raised by her parents. My ex-boyfriend remarried in 2001, and had a son a year later. I got married in '03, and had a son in '05. My husbands ex-wife married her long-time partner in '05. Her husband has a son in California. My ex-boyfriend got divorced last year and is now living with a woman who is the non-custodial parent of twin girls the same age as his son. My son is still close to my ex-boyfriend's ex-wife, and spends some time there when my ex is working.

See? That is why I use abbreviations. That took a ridiculous amount of time to type out, not made easier by the one-handed typing with a squirmy toddler nursing on my lap.

To answer the PP's question about interent shorthand, I read BM as either breastmilk or bio/birth mom, depending on which forum I'm reading. (In fact, it usually takes me a minute to figure out what is meant if someone uses it to mean bowel movement in another board; I rarely see it used that way, so it never occurs to me)

When I see skids, or s-kids, I read it as either step-kids or "es" kids. I don't use it myself, but I've never wondered what it meant.

Again, I really don't care what anyone calls me, online or IRL, as long as they aren't trashing me in front of my children. This thread is the first time I ever heard of anyone using internet slang in a real-life situation.

[liawbh]

Originally Posted by Nature

"Courts almost never take away custody from the mother unless there is abuse that is proven." and "Don't worry about it! Courts favor the mother!"

Wow, that really is ignorant of the facts. I'm sorry people said that to you. Statistics actually show that in cases when fathers fight for custody, they are more likely to win.

Mothers are only more likely to have custody because fathers usually don't petition for it. After a certain number of years apart, courts tend to favor the status quo, so it is rarer for fathers to win custody if they have been the non-custodial parent for several years.

I hope your situation improves. I bet your daughter will figure out what's what as she gets older.

[azfiresmbm]

New here !!

Honestly the only thing that erks me is when I see other step-moms use phrases like ,, bio-b**ch or bio-wh**e , or anything like that .. because quite honest if they are using those phrases here , there probably has been a time when those words have come out of their mouth and in ear shot of their step-children ....

I might have differences with my step-sons mom but she is still his mother ,
there is part of her within him ..

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by azfiresmbm

Honestly the only thing that erks me is when I see other step-moms use phrases like ,, bio-b**ch or bio-wh**e , or anything like that .. because quite honest if they are using those phrases here , there probably has been a time when those words have come out of their mouth and in ear shot of their step-children ....

That's uncalled for. No matter how angry you are at the child's Mother (I'm a Stepmother), there's no reason to be calling them bio-b**ch or bio-wh**e. It's just disrespectful. To the Mother and the child, especially if the child hears it. I don't think I've seen it on MDC, though I have seen it in other forums.

[jeteaa]

I come from a blended family. And you can call who ever what ever you want. But what it comes down to is that all of us have ONE mother. And will only EVER have one mother. Why do you think a adult who was adopted at birth still have the erge to seek out thier birth mother, even knowing that she gave up her baby at birth? I actually despise my mother. But becasue she is my mother, I simply can't cut her out of my life??? Its not a choice, its..... destiny? nature??? BUT, having said all that, a step child can still love a step parent. And call them mother or father if they all like the sound of that.

[azfiresmbm]

I'm glad to hear that those phrases are not said here ,

I've been to a number of step-parenting sites and have left because of the language used ....

[azfiresmbm]

Originally Posted by liawbh

Wow, that really is ignorant of the facts. I'm sorry people said that to you. Statistics actually show that in cases when fathers fight for custody, they are more likely to win.

Mothers are only more likely to have custody because fathers usually don't petition for it. After a certain number of years apart, courts tend to favor the status quo, so it is rarer for fathers to win custody if they have been the non-custodial parent for several years.

I completely agree with you !! My husband went for Joint legal and got it .
The judge actually told my husband that if he had gone for Joint Custodial the judge would have given it to him ... (this was a female judge)
!!!! We went back last year and now my husband has both Joint Legal and Joint Custodial with my husband having the final say..
......We do the one week at dad's, one week at mom's thing .....

I have a hard time believing that fathers can't get more time with there kids.. If a father fights for more time and show the courts that this will benefit the children, more often then not they are granted more time ...

[Flor]

Well, dss's MOTHER introduces herself to people as the "biomom" so, I guess neither of us have a problem with it. She calls me the stepmom or the secondmom, both of which I'm fine with.

[Earthly_Joys]

Originally Posted by azfiresmbm

I completely agree with you !! My husband went for Joint legal and got it .
The judge actually told my husband that if he had gone for Joint Custodial the judge would have given it to him ... (this was a female judge)
!!!! We went back last year and now my husband has both Joint Legal and Joint Custodial with my husband having the final say..
......We do the one week at dad's, one week at mom's thing .....

I have a hard time believing that fathers can't get more time with there kids.. If a father fights for more time and show the courts that this will benefit the children, more often then not they are granted more time ...

I agree as well! My DH has full physical custody of DSD. He went to court because his ex wife said she was going to take DSD and move to another state. So he decided he had to do something to be a part of DSD's life. While in the process of going to court for joint custody the tables turned in his favor and his lawyer suggested he try for full. He got it. AND he was in the Navy at the time with no housing and he still got it. So he has full physical and the only rights she has is her name on the birth certificate.

Ex wife even brought in a mother's rights advocate somebody and preached about mothers being separated from their children. Obviously, the judge disagreed.

[anj119]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

So he decided he had to do something to be a part of DSD's life.

I am surprised that someone who knows first-hand (as your husband does) what it feels like to be shut out of your child's life, would push to be the custodial parent -to the exclusion of the other parent. Isn't that what he fought so hard to prevent from happening when he thought that mother was moving out of state with his daughter?

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

So he has full physical and the only rights she has is her name on the birth certificate.

That is so so sad for your step daughter, I am so sorry to hear that. Has anyone suggested to your husband that his "victory" against his ex-wife is a inexplicably horrendous loss for his daughter? Or do you all still think you 'won' the prize?

[QUOTE}Ex wife even brought in a mother's rights advocate somebody and preached about mothers being separated from their children. Obviously, the judge disagreed.[/QUOTE]

Do you?

-anj119

[meowee]

I agree with the OP. It is rude and disrespectful and I wish MDC would do something about it.

[Spring Sun]

I did not read through the nine pages of this thread at all, but read the first and last posts. I just want to say that I recently joined this forum and for a few days was very confused. When everyone kept saying BM or birth mother I thought they were referring to a mother that had given her child up for adoption or had split and was not in the picture. I am a mother to beautiful child who will one day be someone's stepson. I am also in a relationship where I may have a stepson (and already love him dearly). I have gained so much from this forum being on both sides, and feel like I have an advantage because I will be sooo prepared, or at least more prepared than most, just having read through a bizillion threads in here. I would never call my SO's son's mother a bio mom. She is his mother, that is it. I would hate to be called a bm. I am my ds's mother through and through. So I think I will only use the word mother and step mother in this forum. Wouldn't it be great if we could come up with even better terms since stepmother has such a negative connotation as well? So far, I have liked bonusmom and secondmom. Are there any other good names out there for stepmom? I think, though, mother should always be referred to as mother, unless it is an adoption or desertion scenario.

[laurelavenue]

I am my children's mother. Period. No qualifier or explainer needed. I birthed tham and have raised them. I'd be really irritated if I discovered my ex husband's wife was referring to me as their "bio mom" or "birth mother."

I actually don't like "stepmother" and "stepfather." I think it has a negative connotation, and the relationship is different than mother or father and needs its own name.

I don't like "bonus mom" either. She's not their mom.

[laurelavenue]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

Ex wife even brought in a mother's rights advocate somebody and preached about mothers being separated from their children. Obviously, the judge disagreed.

Do you have children of your own? Can you imagine being separated from them? You sound awfully callous about this. Children DO need their mothers when mothers are available and willing to parent. Neither parent should be denied access to their child barring serious issues like abuse or abandonment.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

I agree as well! My DH has full physical custody of DSD. He went to court because his ex wife said she was going to take DSD and move to another state. So he decided he had to do something to be a part of DSD's life. While in the process of going to court for joint custody the tables turned in his favor and his lawyer suggested he try for full. He got it. AND he was in the Navy at the time with no housing and he still got it. So he has full physical and the only rights she has is her name on the birth certificate.

Ex wife even brought in a mother's rights advocate somebody and preached about mothers being separated from their children. Obviously, the judge disagreed.

And thats a victory for who? Certainly not the child involved. Hurray for him, he won! The woman who carried this child for 9 months and raised her for at least a while now only has a place on her birth certificate? Good for him, good for you, tragic for the child and the mother.

My bolding - do you think its a good thing for children to be seperated from their mother?

I am guessing by the callousness and obvious ignorance about mother/child attachment that you have no children of your own.

ETA - From your sig it doesn't look like you have any children of your own. If you do and G-d forbid you divorce from your husband I wonder how joyous it would be if he did the same to you and your child?

[jeca]

Originally Posted by laurelavenue

I am my children's mother. Period. No qualifier or explainer needed. I birthed tham and have raised them. I'd be really irritated if I discovered my ex husband's wife was referring to me as their "bio mom" or "birth mother."

I actually don't like "stepmother" and "stepfather." I think it has a negative connotation, and the relationship is different than mother or father and needs its own name.

I don't like "bonus mom" either. She's not their mom.

Not being snarky at all but what exactly does that leave?

[laurelavenue]

Originally Posted by jeca

Not being snarky at all but what exactly does that leave?

Well, I accept that stepmother is what is going to be used, but I think another word - a whole new word - would be better.

[Earthly_Joys]

I agree that it is a terribly sad situation. I never claimed to be smiling about all of this.

This is how it worked out...DH simply wanted to be a part of DD's life. Her mother refused to allow that without strings and rules AND she planned to move out of state. She out right told him he would not be seeing her. THAT is when he went to court. While in the process of securing visitation rights his lawyer recommended that he take it a step further because his ex wife was not showing up in court, she did not do any of the court ordered therapy, classes, or the home study. While under her care DD and ex wife's other daughter were both put in foster care temp because of suspected molestation by her boyfriend. THOSE are the reasons why custody was so easy for him to obtain. He did not push to have her stripped from her mother. It just happened that way and in the end he is the more responsible parent. The judge had the final decision. The entire process took months. She gave them proof that she was irresponsible and did not want to be involved unless she could do it her way. She assumed that just because she was the mother that they would hand her over to her no matter how badly she treated her. Also, I don't remember if I mentioned this in my previous post but she saw DD once during the entire custody process...DH had temp custody. She had DD for a few days and left the state with her...did not plan on bringing her back. The custody order given by the judge said she was not to leave the state and that she had to bring DD back on time. When she did not bring her back DH had to drive states away to look for her and involve the police to get her back. Upon getting her back he had to take her directly to a hospital because her diaper was FUSED to her skin. It had not been changed in days and the scabs from the sores had stuck to the diaper.

He had custody of DD for almost 2 years before he met me. In that time her mother never tried to see her. Not once. She only made an effort years later after she divorced her second husband. She has openly said that she only wants to be a part of DD's life if she gets the package deal..meaning she wants my husband included as well. She refuses to be there at all unless we just hand DD over to her. DD will be 7 in a month and has been without her mother since she was 1. We have offered visitation...she says she'll show up and then she does not. She does not call. She does not write. No matter how many times she has burned DD or us we still give her another chance because she is DD's mother...because DD deserves to be able to know her.

It is not our fault that her mother does not want to parent. We cannot do anything about that. The only reason the court system has not interferred on their own yet is because there is no had visitation policy. It was left up to DH so there is no monitoring of it..she isn't breaking any laws or rules by not coming around. If she had to legally see her every other weekend then this would have been addressed in court already.

So, you may judge me..be angry with me..think I have lost my mind..and that is all fine. In the end I love DD and I want what is best for her. For a long time I thought that meant she HAD to know her mother. Now, I think it is best that I secure rights by adopting her. Also, even if I did adopt her I would not block out her biological family..not her mother..not her siblings..not extended family. What the adoption does is secure that her mom cannot have rights to her in case something happens to my husband. Can you imagine?? Years of never knowing a person..and being ripped away from the one you love?? When you ask me if I can imagine how horrible it would be to strip a child from their mother...I can. I do know. Because I am her mother and to have her taken from me would be devastating to both of us...even more so if she was going through the loss of her father.

In the end....this is a choice her mother has made. We're reacting to her choice and making the best decision for our family. I wish you could understand that but I understand why sometimes mothers cannot see past the blood ties. It must be an amazing connection for those of you who choose to acknowledge it. In the end it is a choice...obviously..or my DD wouldn't be going through the constant rejection she gets from her mom. Her mom would already be here for her. But she is not. Because she chooses not to be.

I suppose at this point I am callous. I am hardened and insensitive to the fact that her mother makes the choices that she does. However, I am still open minded. Are you?

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

This is how it worked out...DH simply wanted to be a part of DD's life. Her mother refused to allow that without strings and rules AND she planned to move out of state. She out right told him he would not be seeing her. THAT is when he went to court. While in the process of securing visitation rights his lawyer recommended that he take it a step further because his ex wife was not showing up in court, she did not do any of the court ordered therapy, classes, or the home study. While under her care DD and ex wife's other daughter were both put in foster care temp because of suspected molestation by her boyfriend. THOSE are the reasons why custody was so easy for him to obtain. He did not push to have her stripped from her mother. It just happened that way and in the end he is the more responsible parent. The judge had the final decision. The entire process took months. She gave them proof that she was irresponsible and did not want to be involved unless she could do it her way. She assumed that just because she was the mother that they would hand her over to her no matter how badly she treated her. Also, I don't remember if I mentioned this in my previous post but she saw DD once during the entire custody process...DH had temp custody. She had DD for a few days and left the state with her...did not plan on bringing her back. The custody order given by the judge said she was not to leave the state and that she had to bring DD back on time. When she did not bring her back DH had to drive states away to look for her and involve the police to get her back. Upon getting her back he had to take her directly to a hospital because her diaper was FUSED to her skin. It had not been changed in days and the scabs from the sores had stuck to the diaper.

He had custody of DD for almost 2 years before he met me. In that time her mother never tried to see her. Not once. She only made an effort years later after she divorced her second husband. She has openly said that she only wants to be a part of DD's life if she gets the package deal..meaning she wants my husband included as well. She refuses to be there at all unless we just hand DD over to her. DD will be 7 in a month and has been without her mother since she was 1. We have offered visitation...she says she'll show up and then she does not. She does not call. She does not write. No matter how many times she has burned DD or us we still give her another chance because she is DD's mother...because DD deserves to be able to know her.

It is not our fault that her mother does not want to parent. We cannot do anything about that. The only reason the court system has not interferred on their own yet is because there is no had visitation policy. It was left up to DH so there is no monitoring of it..she isn't breaking any laws or rules by not coming around. If she had to legally see her every other weekend then this would have been addressed in court already.

So, you may judge me..be angry with me..think I have lost my mind..and that is all fine. In the end I love DD and I want what is best for her. For a long time I thought that meant she HAD to know her mother. Now, I think it is best that I secure rights by adopting her. Also, even if I did adopt her I would not block out her biological family..not her mother..not her siblings..not extended family. What the adoption does is secure that her mom cannot have rights to her in case something happens to my husband. Can you imagine?? Years of never knowing a person..and being ripped away from the one you love?? When you ask me if I can imagine how horrible it would be to strip a child from their mother...I can. I do know. Because I am her mother and to have her taken from me would be devastating to both of us...even more so if she was going through the loss of her father.

In the end....this is a choice her mother has made. We're reacting to her choice and making the best decision for our family. I wish you could understand that but I understand why sometimes mothers cannot see past the blood ties. It must be an amazing connection for those of you who choose to acknowledge it. In the end it is a choice...obviously..or my DD wouldn't be going through the constant rejection she gets from her mom. Her mom would already be here for her. But she is not. Because she chooses not to be.

I suppose at this point I am callous. I am hardened and insensitive to the fact that her mother makes the choices that she does. However, I am still open minded. Are you?

This is not a typical situation, and in this case of course the child should not be with her mother. Your previous post did not indicate anything out of the norm, thats why people (including me) got upset.