Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 10

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by laurelavenue

Well, I accept that stepmother is what is going to be used, but I think another word - a whole new word - would be better.

Do you have any suggestions?

[Oriole]

I find it interesting, that right underneath this thread, another thread has been started with a title "my kids' stepmonster", yet, that's acceptable?
How would one feel if I started a thread: "My kid's monstermom"?

Regardless of conflicts we go through in this difficult blended family situation, can we at least agree not to resort to name-calling?..

Mom is a mom, no one can take that away. And stepmom has a nasty connotation because people make it so. The truth is - I actually like it, I want to be a "stepmom", but please, don't twist it any further, it's been twisted enough...
If we are talking about being curteous with each other, let's leave the arguing behind:

You are a mom, and I am a stepmom. and we should be able to disagree and discuss things civilly, and adress each other what for we are: mom and stepmom.

[Earthly_Joys]

cycle - I forget how much people know about our situation. I've been visiting this board for a while and have put the details out over and over again. I just assumed people knew the story. Sorry! Anyway, Yes, our situation is not the norm. I should have elaborated some in OP so there would not have been any confusion.

oriole - I saw that post and replied. I chose to just over look it because there are so many stereo types surrounding step parents that it just gets old defending myself and others. I agree with you. In theory the titles we have/use should not be complicated but since we all have our emotions invested in these titles (aka our lives) it makes it a bit chaotic. :

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I find it interesting, that right underneath this thread, another thread has been started with a title "my kids' stepmonster", yet, that's acceptable?
How would one feel if I started a thread: "My kid's monstermom"?

Yeah, that.

[Earthly_Joys]

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record here. I've suggested this in posts time and time again. I am all about unity and over coming our differences, etc. However, this forum can be a heated one and people do often come here for support. How hard would it be to affix two or three folders at the top of this forum? Step parent folder, bio (I don't even know what to say anymore or how to describe the difference) parent, or even a folder specifically for topics that might be offensive..kind of a read at your own risk thing. That way no one HAS to see it, etc. Just a thought.

[wannabemoms]

How about letting the kids call people what they're comfortable with, depending on the nature of the relationship? "My dad's wife"? "Sharon"? "Stepmom"? "Mom"?

I have a stepmom and stepdad, and that's what they are to me. I would even go as far as to say that my stepmom is my other mom, simply due to the closeness of the relationship we have. It is NOT a shot at my mom, who I also have a close relationship to. I think the parents (biological or otherwise) need to think more about how all the bickering over names might make a child feel about their relationship with their various parents. If my mom ever suggested that I shouldn't call my stepmom "stepmom" because she's "not a parent", I'd be hurt and resentful, and probably tell her (lovingly) to go jump in a lake. She should be secure enough with her role in my life and our relationship not to go imposing her own ideas on the relationships I form with other people. And for the record, she IS, and she DOESN'T.

[Earthly_Joys]

Hmmm....Wannabe, I think this thread is more about how we use the names here. Some people are offended by the use of BM, Bio mom, 1st mom, etc. Then some people were offended by step mom, step kids, skids, etc.

I don't think this will ever be worked out. I think we'll all try and be more aware (hopefully) of what we say...especially considering that there are members here who are birth parents, step parents, and both. You cannot simply ban something like BM or stepmom because they define the situation in writing. In real life I would just refer to DD's "mom" by her name. DD calls me mom because she chooses to and she calls her "mom" by her first name by choice.

However on here I refer to her as BM normally because she does not play a role in parenting my DD. She essentially only provided genetics and a womb. Harsh? Yes. True? Yep!

[wannabemoms]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

Hmmm....Wannabe, I think this thread is more about how we use the names here. Some people are offended by the use of BM, Bio mom, 1st mom, etc. Then some people were offended by step mom, step kids, skids, etc.

I don't think this will ever be worked out. I think we'll all try and be more aware (hopefully) of what we say...especially considering that there are members here who are birth parents, step parents, and both. You cannot simply ban something like BM or stepmom because they define the situation in writing. In real life I would just refer to DD's "mom" by her name. DD calls me mom because she chooses to and she calls her "mom" by her first name by choice.

However on here I refer to her as BM normally because she does not play a role in parenting my DD. She essentially only provided genetics and a womb. Harsh? Yes. True? Yep!

I guess what I was trying to get at (badly) was, if biomom, or stepmom or whatever, is a term that is used comfortably byboth the children and adults in a particular family, then representatives of that family should be free to use that language in a space like this without being criticized for it, because I don't beleive they're using the language in a condescending way, at least not intentionally. If others have issues about certain language being used, I would want to ask "why?" when it is not being applied to other people in the forum directly?
For the record, our kids will have a "biological father "(BF) and/or a "donor", but not a dad or father, because our family uses those terms in a way that describes the nature of the relationship, and not the biological connection. That is what works for our family, and it is not meant as an insult to any other families.

[phreedom]

I may have used "birthmom" or "bio mom" on occasion on the forum (BM just reminds me of poo....I can't use it). Heck I've even referred to her as the "real mom" on occasion...but then was corrected by my DSD. (she told me that would make me a "fake mom" and I am not a fake mom...I love my DSD )But never in real life. She's "mom" and I'm the "step-mom". (Though my SK call me by my first name...but when they introduce me they refer to me as thier "stepmother")

I've never meant it disresectfully if I've used it though.

[offwing]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

However on here I refer to her as BM normally because she does not play a role in parenting my DD. She essentially only provided genetics and a womb. Harsh? Yes. True? Yep!

And that is why some people are offended when it is used in general ... they are aware that biomom or BM is used as the maternal version of "sperm donor" and carries the implication of being at best an uninvolved mother -- at worst an uncaring or harmful mother.

And people wonder why anyone would take offense?

BTW; I'm not accusing you of anything, EJ ... you just gave me the example that made my point. You are using it exactly as it was meant to be used as far as I know. I've never seen people argue that it is a neutral term before coming to MDC.

[meandmine]

Hi!

I only float over here on occasion, but I think, personally, for *me* the use of the term bio mom or bm is not welcoming.

I am my child's mother and her step-mother is her step-mother. Using the term "mother" feels more respectful to me.

I guess I would encourage folks posting here to consider changing their language since I am fairly sure there are many moms/mothers/mamas out there who feel similarly.

If we want to encourage positive, constructive dialogue it is best to avoid language that is alienating, if at all possible.

M

[Earthly_Joys]

meandmine - It cannot be avoided. Because we each use the acronym, nickname, abbreviation, etc that fits for our particular situation. I don't really see anyone using BM here as a reference to mother's being poop-like. I understand that some mothers feel stripped of what they are to their children by BM, Bio Mom, First mom, etc. BUT it's not meant to offend you or attack you. It's simply an explanation of who the person is. I don't know why we keep going over and over this here. Maybe people have not read the thread from the start??

As long as people are not intentionally being mean then I don't see the issue. It's simply a description. I don't get my feelings hurt when people introduce me as DD's step mom. I refer to myself here as her step mom. I tend to also explain the details of our relationship a bit further. StepMonster or BioB*tch or obviously bad. I think everyone needs to be a little more open minded and realize that Stepmom, BM, etc. are simply a way of defining who the person is in the situation. It's not meant to be an offensive verbal attack on any party.

offwing, no offense taken. I knew what I was typing when I typed it. That is the description of our situation and why I use that term. I'm sure it is different for everyone.

[Nature]

I still don't understand why "birth mothers" can't be referred to as the childs mother. Seems that would be the most respectful way to all involved, because it IS afterall... what she is.

Its almost as if by saying "biological mother" it makes "step mother" seem more important. And I don't understand that. I am a mother, I am a step mother. They are both important roles. Why put down one, or make one seem "less"?

In normal conversation, using the word "mother" to refer to the childs mother is pretty obvious. Using the term "step mother" is reasonable because that is what you are.. Why qualify things with "bio" before it? It is used negatively more often than not, even if its just the sperm donor sense. Its disrespectful.

And yes I have read the thread and even participated already

[mmace]

Mom is a mom, no one can take that away. And stepmom has a nasty connotation because people make it so. The truth is - I actually like it, I want to be a "stepmom", but please, don't twist it any further, it's been twisted enough...

I have to agree with this - I'm excited about becoming a stepmom. And my future stepson actually told me the other day that he can't wait for me to be his stepmom. High praise coming from a fifteen year old boy!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

meandmine - It cannot be avoided. Because we each use the acronym, nickname, abbreviation, etc that fits for our particular situation. I don't really see anyone using BM here as a reference to mother's being poop-like. I understand that some mothers feel stripped of what they are to their children by BM, Bio Mom, First mom, etc. BUT it's not meant to offend you or attack you. It's simply an explanation of who the person is. I don't know why we keep going over and over this here. Maybe people have not read the thread from the start??

As long as people are not intentionally being mean then I don't see the issue. It's simply a description. I don't get my feelings hurt when people introduce me as DD's step mom. I refer to myself here as her step mom. I tend to also explain the details of our relationship a bit further. StepMonster or BioB*tch or obviously bad. I think everyone needs to be a little more open minded and realize that Stepmom, BM, etc. are simply a way of defining who the person is in the situation. It's not meant to be an offensive verbal attack on any party.

offwing, no offense taken. I knew what I was typing when I typed it. That is the description of our situation and why I use that term. I'm sure it is different for everyone.

Well, it really comes down to individual situations. *I* am my kids' Mom. Plain and simple. Their stepmom... honestly is not any sort of Mom to them. I use stepmom pretty much as a way of being polite. She sees one kid 30 days out of 365; the other less than 20. At most. That is by their father's choice, not mine. What sort of parenting is done in that amount of time? When you come down to brass tacks, I'm Mom AND Dad to both of them.

[Flor]

Individual situations are different. As I said earlier, dss's mom does introduce herself as the biological mother when we are together. She says, "I'm M's biological mother and this is his stepmother." So, it's really not a big deal around here. In many cases on this board the mother really is not the main female caregiver. I try to "reclaim" the word stepmom. I wish their was a word that didn't sound like "dad's wife who only sees the kids every other weekend." I wish their was a word that meant "full time, all day, pretty important other parent."

[azfiresmbm]

Originally Posted by Flor

Individual situations are different. As I said earlier, dss's mom does introduce herself as the biological mother when we are together. She says, "I'm M's biological mother and this is his stepmother." So, it's really not a big deal around here. In many cases on this board the mother really is not the main female caregiver. I try to "reclaim" the word stepmom. I wish their was a word that didn't sound like "dad's wife who only sees the kids every other weekend." I wish their was a word that meant "full time, all day, pretty important other parent."

I am known as the "bonus" mom or "other" mom ..
In school documents it will state something like "childs father, bonus mom and mother all attended the parent teacher conference"

My son will introduce me as , this is my "bonus mom" or this is my "other mom"
He always says 2 is better than 1 ...

But I know some mother don't like this either I don't think you can please everybody , because we are all different
and I become the BM (bonus mom)

[spedteacher30]

If my stepmother had ever called my mother my "birth mother" or my "biological mother" I would have been tremendously offended. (To me, both of those terms are used to negate the parent/child bond and relationship my mother and I share since typically they are used in situations where a mother has given her children up for adoption).

My stepmother (who has been my stepmother for 25 years) dislikes the term stepmother because of the connotations of the evil stepmother, etc. Therefore, I tend to introduce her or refer to her by her first name. I call her and my dad "my parents" and refer to my mom as "my mom."

It confuses some people, but I don't really care. I lived with my mom fulltime from middle school on when we moved away, but was in a two-home situation before that.

My son has a Granny (my wife's mother) a Me-Ma and Be-Pa (my parents) and a Grandma (my mom).

My wife and I go by mommy and mama. We do sometimes call me "the milkmom" which does indicate that I birthed him. We never refer to her as "the other mother."

[offwing]

I think comes down to whether or not someone is old enough to know how the term "birth mother" came to be universally recognized in the general public.

It had nothing to do with divorced situations, it arose from adoptions, specifically to refer to the young, unmarried girl who was giving up a child. It recognized the biological involvement of birth because it was implied that was all the "mothering" the birth mother or bio mother would ever be doing.

And again, I really don't understand the posts saying "that's not how I meant it" as a response to posts pointing out that it does have that implied meaning.

It's kind of like people insisting that they really don't mean anything bad when they use the n-word with friends. The reality is that if you choose to use a phrase or word that has an offensive history and is still considered offensive to many, it's kind of odd to be surprised or defensive when someone does end up offended.

[violet_]

My understanding is that "birthmother" refers to exactly what you say -- a woman who gave birth but the child was adopted and she is likely no longer a regular parent to her child. "Biomother" I thought was analogous/complementary to stepmother, in distinguishing the 2 types of motherly roles discussed herein. I can see how some people might not like it, though. I use it for clarity here sometimes, hope I don't offend. Just remember, I'm not talking about any of *you* -- I'm talking about *her*!

At least I don't say it to the kids, though. Their mom (or someone else with influence) has told them I'm their stepmom now, and our little 3.5 yo was very confused and wondered how that could be, since stepmoms are mean. Moms (I feel like I should say "biomoms" here, as I'm distinguishing between biological mother and stepmother -- see?) are so exalted in kids' books -- I can hardly read them a book where we're not praising "Mommy!" But the evil stepmother -- well, that's another story..

As far as the "stepmom" teminology, my kids call me their BonusMom sometimes (see www.bonusfamily.com for more on this idea). Plus, I have my own made-up title that they use when addressing me, so I'm not just my first name, but I don't get called Mom, so I'm not set up in competition with her. But my stepson still says he has two moms (we've never encouraged this, and we don't have him call me this -- this is why we made up a title for me), so doesn't it make sense to qualify the word "mom" to say which one we mean?