Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 2

[loriforeman]

okay, i'm guilty of using the term "biological mother" to refer to my ex's ex.

not necessarily in this forum, but in real life...when i married jay, i married his kids, too. i never differentiated between his, mine, or our...i was "mom" to all of them. when i introduced them, i did so as "these are my children."

when hailey's mother decided to start coming around again...everyone we knew or had met since she had moved in with us knew ME as mom. hailey even called carol "carol" instead of mom...that term was reserved for me. so when people would ask, "okay, who's carol?", i would smile and say, "that's hailey's biological mother."

never was it meant to demean, only clarify. my intention is generally not to hurt...

[Jilian]

I see where you are coming from, I'd be really pissed if I knew that DS's stepmom was calling me his bio mom. I can see how it could be offensive. I am my son's mother plain and simple.

I also have a blended family but do not frequent this forum because it feels really negative to me.

[loriforeman]

ah, i do understand why you might feel that way...but my emphasis was on her daughter.

each dynamic is a bit different i think...and in the written world, clarification often comes with such descriptions.

be well.

[angelpie545]

If my children had a stepmother, and she was referring to me as their "biological mother" or "birth mother" on a forum such as this, I would be LIVID, to say the least. I think it's insulting and disparaging. JMO.

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by CorasMama

Wow! so all the others who agree with me have my own personal issues?

and how much harder is dad/stepdad to keep track of than biodad/stepdad?

No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?

[CorasMama]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?

Umm, uh, wow. Are you directing this at me? Because I really don't understand why you're attacking me like that, especially this particular attack.

Btw, I did say I wasn't talking about parents like your ex, your situation warrants calling that guy their bio father, as did the situation w/ Cora's bio father, even before DXH adopted her.

But I still don't understand why you seem to be directing this at me, so I hope you're not.

[Molliejo]

Originally Posted by boobybunny

No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.

How can you compare these things? The argument about racist terms and the word skid is so ludicrous it's laughable. Worlds apart.

[jennlyn]

Maybe instead of a blended family forum we need two forums- stepmoms and "bio" moms. I do find the bio mom thing insulting as well. To me it connotates either the mother of an adopted child who is unknown to the child or a mother who has given up all rights to her child and has no contact with the child. Or maybe there could be forums for "real" moms and stepmoms. I don't think the stepmoms would like the biological mothers to be called "real" mothers while they are called stepmoms anymore than the biological moms want to be called "bio" moms and not just mom.

[Earthly_Joys]

I can totally understand how the term "BM" might be insulting to you. But it's just a term. Just like DD or DSD. I'm so happy that you get along well with your ex's girlfriend but the reality is a lot of us don't. Believe me...I think the majority of us WISH we could all get along better.

For us the ex wife was just an egg donor. She has seen DD only 7 times since she was 1. We've tried reaching out to her. Long story short...she wants nothing to do with her. BM takes NO part in raising DD...The only thing she has contributed IS DD.

I think everyone should be able to use whatever reference they see fit. Until MDC decides to divide up this forum into sections (step moms, moms who have kids that have step moms, custody issues, etc.) we're all just going to have to do our best to blend.

I really don't have any idea what else I should call the ex wife. Let's see...WWAHD. Woman who abandoned her daughter? I suppose I could just continue to call her "ex wife"...I don't care to offend anyone but still..all she is to us is a BM.

I posted recently on another thread that I'd be happy to link anyone who wanted info about another site. This other site has hundreds of groups around divorce, step parenting, good and bad relationship with step parents, etc. Basically, you can find the one that fits perfectly for you. I love MDC but I've been hoping for a long time that they'll keep this board but add a couple other sections to it so people with specific issues can vent/discuss there without offending the general population....this problem seems to come up every so often.

[anj119]

I agree with the original poster.

My need for this forum has outweighed my distaste for the way that the stepmothers discuss the mothers, but I noticed it on day one and I still notice it every time I come here.

I think one would have to be basically blind not to notice it. Or, they would have to be a stepmother.

-anj119

[JnB]

I simply see it as shorthand, an easy way to convey oneself via a computer screen.

[Shonahsmom]

Corasmom, I totally agree. I have always found the terminology used here to be really insulting towards mamas and it (and the intense ire of many towards the "BM" as well as toward step-children) has so turned me off from this forum... which is unfortunate because I am in the process of blending my family and wish there was a more positive and constructive place on this board to discuss the surrounding issues.

[Shonahsmom]

I understand that for some it's "just a term" or just an abbreviation, but how about SKM (for step-kid's mom) instead of using an abbreviation for a term that usually, in this society, refers to women who have lost or relinquished their parental rights?

[Molliejo]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

I understand that for some it's "just a term" or just an abbreviation, but how about SKM (for step-kid's mom) instead of using an abbreviation for a term that usually, in this society, refers to women who have lost or relinquished their parental rights?

Someone would say that it reads as 'scum'.

Or that it reads as 'skim' and they are offended by that because they are lactose intolerant or some other absurd thing.

Who knows?

I think I'll just continue to write out my words. Then I won't offend anyone.

[JnB]

norajane,

[liawbh]

I couldn't care less if someone calls me biomom. it's just internet shorthand, not the meaning of life. (42!)

I know this forum gets negative sometimes but it def. goes both ways. i have seen some ugly things said about stepmoms AND moms.

It's also used instead of "real mom" which is insulting all around.

If biomom can only be used for mothers who are absent, how absent do they have to be? Does the stepparent need to have legally adopted the child before it's OK? What about families where the child calls both women "mom"?What custody arrangements make it OK?

I personally don't use it, but I certainly wouldn't let it stop me from participating in a forum with a lot of good advice and a broad range of perspectives on the challenges faced by blending and changing families.

[thebarkingbird]

i don't think it's much to do with the labels we use. the internet has a long history of breeding unusuial and strange sounding abreviations. the skids BM thing doesn't bother me and i am both a skid and a BM. eh.

i think what makes me uncomfortable is that "birthmother" is the most widely accpted term for a woman who chooses to place her child for adoption. a woman who has, usuialy, lovingly decided to place her child with people who are more capable of providing for a child's needs. the situation in a blended family is not like this. unless the child's biological mother has decided to legalaly or functionaly relinquish the role of mother she remains just plain old mom.

the use of the term "biomom" and the like can be very hurtful because it is a mothers worst fear that a new step parent will either try to replace her or mistreat her children. being given the title of "biomom" salts the wound and excites the fear.

also, it's not quite koshar to use the term for women who are or are believed to be bad mothers. a step parent would only call the childs mother bio mom if she fealt she was a poor parent who lapsed in her duties. it's a derogitory term. it shouldn't be. i am thankful for DH's "biomom" who placed him for adoption and handpicked a family she hoped would be good for him. there was nothing sloppy or careless about it.

i'm not quite sure about an alternative solution. in our daily life DS calls his 2 dads daddy firstname and daddy otherfirstname. that won't work in the forum.

still i tend to shy away from this forum even though i am the mother of a blended family. i fell quite a bit of hostility here toward mothers. i understand the need to vent but the use of language here does make a woman think that her worst fears, the fear that her children are in the care of another woman who doesn't know her as a human being and still manages to look down upon her, are coming true.

I couldn't care less if someone calls me biomom. it's just internet shorthand, not the meaning of life. (42!)

right you are, but what's the question?

i don't mind being called biomom if it's simply for the sake of clarity. i like it when our family seems so together that people can't "just tell"

[SkiMama36]

I'm "biological mom" of my son and frankly, wouldn't split any hairs if someone referred to me (as in on the ex's side) as such. Anyone who mentions my name in conjunction with my son, I'm simply "E's mom". BM is just an abbreviation on this forum...everyone knows what it means and those that are offended by it need to just take it at face worth.

I don't call my step-sons SKIDS in RL conversation, ever. But have I used it in text? Yes. It's easier to type when you have short spurts of time to even peruse this site and you want to get your point across quicky while knowing that those you are directing questions/suggestions to will know what you are talking about.

It reminds me of that T-Mobile (?) commercial on unlimited text messaging...now trying to keep up with the kids' internet abbreviated jargon would be pretty tiring!

This seems to be a case of "pick your battles" that are most important to you. Focus on the RL situations at hand and don't sweat the small stuff such as internet abbreviations. No harm is meant by these folks extending helping hands or suggestions and using the recognized abbreviations (believe me, the abbreviations in question here are used almost across the board in other blended/step family forums).

If it really is TOO upsetting, then you SHOULD make the conscious decision to not come here, or even better...come here but spell out your words. Do what works for you but don't chastise other's decisions to use the recognized abbreviations.

[SkiMama36]

[QUOTE=thebarkingbird;9196355]i don't think it's much to do with the labels we use. the internet has a long history of breeding unusuial and strange sounding abreviations. the skids BM thing doesn't bother me and i am both a skid and a BM. eh.

i think what makes me uncomfortable is that "birthmother" is the most widely accpted term for a woman who chooses to place her child for adoption. a woman who has, usuialy, lovingly decided to place her child with people who are more capable of providing for a child's needs. the situation in a blended family is not like this. unless the child's biological mother has decided to legalaly or functionaly relinquish the role of mother she remains just plain old mom.

the use of the term "biomom" and the like can be very hurtful because it is a mothers worst fear that a new step parent will either try to replace her or mistreat her children. being given the title of "biomom" salts the wound and excites the fear.

also, it's not quite koshar to use the term for women who are or are believed to be bad mothers. a step parent would only call the childs mother bio mom if she fealt she was a poor parent who lapsed in her duties. it's a derogitory term. it shouldn't be. i am thankful for DH's "biomom" who placed him for adoption and handpicked a family she hoped would be good for him. there was nothing sloppy or careless about it.

i'm not quite sure about an alternative solution. in our daily life DS calls his 2 dads daddy firstname and daddy otherfirstname. that won't work in the forum.

still i tend to shy away from this forum even though i am the mother of a blended family. i fell quite a bit of hostility here toward mothers. i understand the need to vent but the use of language here does make a woman think that her worst fears, the fear that her children are in the care of another woman who doesn't know her as a human being and still manages to look down upon her, are coming true.



right you are, but what's the question?

i don't mind being called biomom if it's simply for the sake of clarity. i like it when our family seems so together that people can't "just tell"[/QUOTE]

Oh, I like THAT!!!! (bolded) We should all be having that as our goal, ya know?

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys

I can totally understand how the term "BM" might be insulting to you. But it's just a term.

Yeah. So's the "N" word. Right?

If one finds "skids" offensive, it should be easy to understand why others may find "BM" to be so, too. They both DO reference bowel movements. So it shouldn't be a huge stretch to avoid the use of both. IMO.

As an actively involved Mom (and CP), I do find the use of BM offensive. I AM my kids' Mom in every way. Yes, bio and birth, but really - just plain Mom. Their stepMom isn't. Now, my kids were older when their Dad remarried, but he and their stepMom handled things in a way that didn't help.

I really didn't appreciate a woman who had met my kids once telling me that one of them had serious issues and should be under psychiatric care. Uuuuuhhhh..... no one who knows him thinks so. Nor did I (or they, apparently) appreciate their Dad's and her suggestion that they call her Mom. I can tell you that both of them have objections to her kids calling their (my kids') Dad "Dad". Dad & StepMom calling me BM/BioMom/BirthMom doesn't help. To them - I AM Mom. It offends THEM for me to be called otherwise.

And it has affected their relationship with their Dad. Especially our son's. And I'm at the end of my rope in figuring out how to fix that one. Finally, it's not my job.

At the end of the day, if you wouldn't call a person by the pseud in front of the kid, don't do it elsewhere.