Originally Posted by Flor
I do feel that "mom" comes with connotations. I do think it means primary care giver (to me). I've used "biomom" because she is in and out, moves away, comes back, cancells visitaiton, etc. She isn't out of the picture, but she is non-custodial and not a steady presence. I will use non-custodial mother instead.
I used to hate "revealing" that I was actually dss's stepmother instead of his biomother. I remember I had a boss when I was pregnant with ds. He had always called me a mother, asked my about my "son" (dss), and encouraged me to use my mommy-charm with my first grade students. One day he asked if my pregnancy was the same with ds as it was with my first child. I told him that dss was actually my stepson. He got this look on his face like 1. I'd totally deceived him and 2. I was no longer a real mom. I have felt that a lot, though usually more subtly. People try to figure out how much parenting I do. Teachers trying to figure out if they should talk to me. People fussing over my "first baby" though I'd been raising dss for years. His mom keeps calling me a "first time mom." Grrr. You all know this all.
Personally, I think mom and stepmom are both words that carry connotations.
This is all very interesting to me.
When my ex husband was in and out of our daughter life, I never once referred to him as her biodad. He was her father. Her dad. Her dada. No matter his behavior, that was what he was and I didn't feel the need to strip him of that title. Even now, as I am again the parent that has her 24/7, I do not call him that or think of him like that.
Honestly.. the thought of my dd's ex step mother acting as you did really makes me angry. And I know she acted that way. We had different circles of friends, different family, lived in different towns. I know she signed her name in the "mother" line on school forms and everything else. I know people called her the mother and she didn't correct them.
I wasn't an absentee parent. But that didn't matter to her. She took my role, and my title.. and never looked back. And my ex never stood up once to defend me.
Its almost as if its a step parent thing.. and yet I know that can't be it either, because I was a step mother. My step childrens mother wasn't the best person in the world and she made a lot of mistakes. Still, I never referred to her as biomom.. and I never pretended I was anything other than what I was. Their step mother that loved them a lot. And we were
the custodial parents as well.
And, having your own baby is different than being a step parent. I used to feel the same way.. that it wasn't. I'd already done this. I wasn't a first time mom, etc.. but really, it IS different. And other people know that, which is why you get the comments.