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Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 4

post #61 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by JnB View Post
Laggie,
I concur!
post #62 of 264
Quote:
She's told me in an e-mail before "I am so glad that C found a woman to marry that would accept and love our children as her own... because as far as I'm concerned, they are yours as well. We're all a family. I thank you for being the type of person who can be accepting of that."
I pray that if my X ever remarries we can have this type of relationship. But I have to agree with Steph, if I ever found out that I was referred to as my children's biological or birth mom, I would be very, very hurt.

Edited to add: Of course, in my case I am doing 99.99999% of the parenting on my own - my X walked out four years ago and hasn't been very involved. He has only seen them four times this year, for a total of about 10 hours (and I'm probably being generous with that number) and he hasn't taken them anywhere since October of 2005, and then it was only the older two. BUT he is still their dad. I don't refer to him as their biological dad or their birth dad, or worse (in my opinion) their "sperm donor" as is used all too often (again, in my opinion) he is and always will be their dad.
post #63 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys View Post
Redoak, I disagree. I'm a 23 year old adopted woman and my birth mother is VERY clearly JUST my birth mother.
I'm not saying you shouldn't use the term "birth mother," and in fact I still use the term (as that is what is considered appropriate in Korea, the country from which we're adopting). I'm just saying "BM" is considered a negative, insulting slang for "birthmother" (I think it mostly has to do with tying into 'bowel movement'). And also, I was pointing out that even the full term "birth mother" is a little out of favor right now in some adoption communities.

By all means use the word "birth mother," if that is what fits your relationship. I wasn't saying "birth mother" was all bad, just "BM."
post #64 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
I find it interesting that the "real" moms don't consider that the stepmoms might find it insulting to have the assumption always be that the "mother" is the woman who gave birth to the child. As in, if we just say "Child's mom" then we are dismissing our own role as a stepmother as not being a mothering role.
I was thinking the same thing. I may not be my little girl's Bioligical Mother or her Birth Mother, and my Hubby does not have custody, but my stepdaughter and I do have a Mother/Daughter type relationship and, she does consider me her other Mother. Am I trying to "steal" her from her "real" Mother? No. Am I trying to cut "real" Mother out of her life? Nope. But when she's at our house, I do everything a Mother does and I try to be as involed in her life (school, religion classes, gymnastics, etc.) as possible, like any parent should be. So many times, people have discounted my role as her Stepmother, as one of her parents, because I'm "just her Stepmother". What is so wrong with having three (or four) parents? Someone on MDC has a signature that says, "If a parent can love two children, why can't a child love two Mothers?" Why not? Just because my stepdaughter has me, it doesn't mean she loves her Mother any less. She actually tells people she's lucky because she has three parents to love her and most children in our area have only two, sometimes one. Even though I know it's unavoidable, I cringe every time I refer to myself as her "Stepmother" because it implies that I do nothing for her, that she's not also my child in some way. The same with refering to her Mother as her "Real Mother". So what am I, her "Fake Mother"? I know this isn't gonna make me very popular with the "real" Mothers in here, but try to walk a mile in a Stepmother's shoes. It's not easy being a Mother of a child who's Father remarried and now there's another female parent in your child's life. I know that. But it's not easy marrying the man of your dreams and having to "share" him with his ExWife because they have children together, to make all sorts of sacrifices, financial (child support, alimony) or emotional (expected to raise a child that is not yours but to make all the sacrifices you would if it was your own child, sometimes more, but never get to take any credit in those parenting sacrifices because you're not that child's "real" parent). I know it's hard to share your child with another person, especially if you're afraid that they are trying to "replace" you, but if they truly love your child, isn't that much better than if they hated and resented your child? Shouldn't they be acknowledged for SOMETHING?
post #65 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by holly6737 View Post
CorasMama- I agree with you 110%. If DH and I ever divorced and he remarried and I found out that his new wife was calling me "Noah's Biological Mother" I would also flip my effing lid. I most definitely would say "I'm his MOTHER. Who the F are you?" and then I'd start a major custody battle. It's overwhelmingly disrespectful.
The OP at least recognized that any intention of belittlement with the term "birthmother" etc. would be harmful for the child & family -- the above is also quite harmful for the child when there is no malicious intent....
post #66 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
I was thinking the same thing. I may not be my little girl's Bioligical Mother or her Birth Mother, and my Hubby does not have custody, but my stepdaughter and I do have a Mother/Daughter type relationship and, she does consider me her other Mother. Am I trying to "steal" her from her "real" Mother? No. Am I trying to cut "real" Mother out of her life? Nope. But when she's at our house, I do everything a Mother does and I try to be as involed in her life (school, religion classes, gymnastics, etc.) as possible, like any parent should be. So many times, people have discounted my role as her Stepmother, as one of her parents, because I'm "just her Stepmother". What is so wrong with having three (or four) parents? Someone on MDC has a signature that says, "If a parent can love two children, why can't a child love two Mothers?" Why not? Just because my stepdaughter has me, it doesn't mean she loves her Mother any less. She actually tells people she's lucky because she has three parents to love her and most children in our area have only two, sometimes one. Even though I know it's unavoidable, I cringe every time I refer to myself as her "Stepmother" because it implies that I do nothing for her, that she's not also my child in some way. The same with refering to her Mother as her "Real Mother". So what am I, her "Fake Mother"? I know this isn't gonna make me very popular with the "real" Mothers in here, but try to walk a mile in a Stepmother's shoes. It's not easy being a Mother of a child who's Father remarried and now there's another female parent in your child's life. I know that. But it's not easy marrying the man of your dreams and having to "share" him with his ExWife because they have children together, to make all sorts of sacrifices, financial (child support, alimony) or emotional (expected to raise a child that is not yours but to make all the sacrifices you would if it was your own child, sometimes more, but never get to take any credit in those parenting sacrifices because you're not that child's "real" parent). I know it's hard to share your child with another person, especially if you're afraid that they are trying to "replace" you, but if they truly love your child, isn't that much better than if they hated and resented your child? Shouldn't they be acknowledged for SOMETHING?
I think we share a brain. :
post #67 of 264
I am a 'full time' step mom. Dh's kids see their mother every second weekend. Do I expect an award of some sort for being the full time 'mom' in the house? No. Dh's kids have a mother. As a matter of fact dh's son, who is 11, does not like to use the term stepmom/mother. I am his dads wife or Anita. That's it. Their mother is a checked out drug addict but the kids are very loyal to their mother. It doesn't matter how many football games I attend, dinners I cook, homework help, driving around, doing all the daily things I do as parent/mom/supportive adult I will never be a 'mother' 'mom' to those kids. I may never get the acknowledgement for doing all the work/sacrifice. My point being, it's hard being the 'other' woman. As step moms we can support each other for the hard work and stress it is taking on a parental responsibility role for someone elses' children. To you step moms on this forum that have a great relationship with their step kids that's wonderful and an inspiration to others who are having harder time. Does it really matter if we use bm or skids? Are we kidding? We are talking about family, the struggles and pain and loss for children that have lost parents to another marriage etc. Can we please stop this trivial arguments over shorthand?

P.S. harleyhalfmoon - you are doing a great job Consider yourself kindly acknowledged for the hard work you do.
post #68 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
I was thinking the same thing. I may not be my little girl's Bioligical Mother or her Birth Mother, and my Hubby does not have custody, but my stepdaughter and I do have a Mother/Daughter type relationship and, she does consider me her other Mother. Am I trying to "steal" her from her "real" Mother? No. Am I trying to cut "real" Mother out of her life? Nope. But when she's at our house, I do everything a Mother does and I try to be as involed in her life (school, religion classes, gymnastics, etc.) as possible, like any parent should be. So many times, people have discounted my role as her Stepmother, as one of her parents, because I'm "just her Stepmother". What is so wrong with having three (or four) parents? Someone on MDC has a signature that says, "If a parent can love two children, why can't a child love two Mothers?" Why not? Just because my stepdaughter has me, it doesn't mean she loves her Mother any less. She actually tells people she's lucky because she has three parents to love her and most children in our area have only two, sometimes one. Even though I know it's unavoidable, I cringe every time I refer to myself as her "Stepmother" because it implies that I do nothing for her, that she's not also my child in some way. The same with refering to her Mother as her "Real Mother". So what am I, her "Fake Mother"? I know this isn't gonna make me very popular with the "real" Mothers in here, but try to walk a mile in a Stepmother's shoes. It's not easy being a Mother of a child who's Father remarried and now there's another female parent in your child's life. I know that. But it's not easy marrying the man of your dreams and having to "share" him with his ExWife because they have children together, to make all sorts of sacrifices, financial (child support, alimony) or emotional (expected to raise a child that is not yours but to make all the sacrifices you would if it was your own child, sometimes more, but never get to take any credit in those parenting sacrifices because you're not that child's "real" parent). I know it's hard to share your child with another person, especially if you're afraid that they are trying to "replace" you, but if they truly love your child, isn't that much better than if they hated and resented your child? Shouldn't they be acknowledged for SOMETHING?

Hear hear!

In all honesty, I think it's short sighted to say that those of us who are stepmomming cannot at least have somewhere to talk about like issues with other stepmoms. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's seen or experienced the biomom (or whatever term is used), still officially "parenting" but really not doing her children the service of being such. Yes is does happen, and yes some stepmoms are fed up with the poor quality of parenting from the biomom's side. I don't think it's a good idea to stifle that conversation. Alot of us get stifled from saying anythign anyways, since to most people we're not the "real" parent.

I've got 4 stepkids who have 3 moms between them. DP and I are only able to successfully co-parent with mom #2. I cannot be the only stepparent out there with frustrations about this.

In every category of people you will find those who are excellent at the job, and those who are horrible at the job, and those in between. Momming, stepmomming, dadding and stepdadding are all roles where each individual will falls somewhere in that continuum. To pronounce anyone as better than or worse than just due to title doesn't cover it.
post #69 of 264
anitaj71 & harleyhalfmoon,
post #70 of 264
I find bm and biomom in these situations insulting. If i had EVER heard/seen my step mom refer to my mom as such it would have really damaged my relationship with her. When she first married my dad she tried to immedietly step into the role of mom. nuhuh. Didnt work for this 8 year old mamas girl. She then backed off a bit. She did go to my gymnastics and choir etc. She called me her step daughter and i called her my step mom to others and i called her by her first name to her.
She and my dad divorced when i was in my teens. Guess what? I was so glad for how she treated me that i kept in contact with her. She is still my stepmom. Her son (born since the divorce with someone else) calls me his big sister. Her mom is my gma. My dd calls her grandma.
This relationship is so good because she was a great stepmom and was okay with that. She was able to be okay withthe fact that i have a mom and she is a stepmom.
My dd loves her to bits and we enjoy that whole family. It has been over a decade since the divorce and it ay irk my dad and my mom a bit when they come to my wedding/dds bday parties etc and see her there but she is a part of my life because she was there and she was cool and realstic about her role.

My ex-step-dad on the other hand was always a jerk. He and my mom are divorced. He met dd a few times before they divorced. She has no idea who he is. I havent said a word to him since the divorce. His loss he was a jerk.

Anyhow - sorry this was long and rambly. I really do respect stepmoms who give their heart to kids that may be bratty or resentful or whatever. And i also dont think it is bad to be a stepmom.

Hitting submit before i go on and on
post #71 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by anitaj71 View Post
My point being, it's hard being the 'other' woman. As step moms we can support each other for the hard work and stress it is taking on a parental responsibility role for someone elses' children. To you step moms on this forum that have a great relationship with their step kids that's wonderful and an inspiration to others who are having harder time. Does it really matter if we use bm or skids? Are we kidding? We are talking about family, the struggles and pain and loss for children that have lost parents to another marriage etc. Can we please stop this trivial arguments over shorthand?


Quote:
Originally Posted by anitaj71 View Post
P.S. harleyhalfmoon - you are doing a great job Consider yourself kindly acknowledged for the hard work you do.
Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teenytoona View Post
In all honesty, I think it's short sighted to say that those of us who are stepmomming cannot at least have somewhere to talk about like issues with other stepmoms. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's seen or experienced the biomom (or whatever term is used), still officially "parenting" but really not doing her children the service of being such. Yes is does happen, and yes some stepmoms are fed up with the poor quality of parenting from the biomom's side. I don't think it's a good idea to stifle that conversation. Alot of us get stifled from saying anythign anyways, since to most people we're not the "real" parent.
Sometimes my stepdaughter's Mother drives me crazy and I need someone to vent to. I prefer a partially annonymous forum as opposed to holding it all inside and blowing up at my Hubby or his ExWife or doing anything that my children could find out about. Sometimes it helps me to clear my head and calm down... "Oh, My God, I can't believe she did this..." These forums are a good thing. I think someone suggested a "StepMoms Forum" and a "Real Mom's Forum". Something like that, seperate forums, may be a good thing to consider. Whenever I need to talk about my stepdaughter's Mother, it's not to offend anyone by talking about such-and-such, it's to vent so I do't go crazy. I never want to offend a Mom by complaining about A Mom.
post #72 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teenytoona View Post
In all honesty, I think it's short sighted to say that those of us who are stepmomming cannot at least have somewhere to talk about like issues with other stepmoms. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's seen or experienced the biomom (or whatever term is used), still officially "parenting" but really not doing her children the service of being such. Yes is does happen, and yes some stepmoms are fed up with the poor quality of parenting from the biomom's side. I don't think it's a good idea to stifle that conversation. Alot of us get stifled from saying anythign anyways, since to most people we're not the "real" parent.
I've never heard a "stepmom" say that she thought the "birth mom" was doing a good job being a parent. It's always the case that her parenting is of "poor quality". I guess that's where it upsets me. I know many women who are stepmothers and all they have to say about the child's real mother are negative things. I think referring to the child's real mom as the "Birth Mom" is one of those negative things. FWIW, I technically have a "stepmom" who did "parent" me half of the time from 14-18. But she's my father's wife and that's all she'll ever be. If I had ever heard her refer to my mom as my "biological mom" or "birth mom" our relationship would be even worse.
post #73 of 264
I am a bio mom and a step-mom. If dd's dad ever remarries and his new wife considers herself dd's mom and me the bio-mom, I hope I'd be happy about that. More love for dd.

I never thought that "bm" was offensive. I'm not offended by it, but I guess now I can see how some people might be. I'll probably still use it, though, b/c it doesn't offend me, and I'm usually nursing at the keyboard.

Just out of curiosity (b/c dh is adopted, and maybe I missed this in the posts) what are people in the adoption community calling bio-moms or birthmothers these days? Maybe I should stop calling the woman who gave birth to him his birthmom?
post #74 of 264
Holly, I respect your feelings and what you are saying. However, without going back and reading all my posts, I think I can safely say I've said complimentary things about my DP's kids mother on here.
As others have said, we look to this forum for support. Most importantly, as harleyhalfmoom most recently said, we need to vent (and celebrate) sometimes so we don't vent wrongly IRL. Or in a way we'll regret deeply. That can be said about any online support forum, not just about Mothering.
To be honest I've been surprised by the lack of "real" moms venting on here about stepmoms. I just thought it would be an equal 50/50 thing. And, by reading posts like that I think I would learn a thing or two to better my relationship with DSC's mom.
post #75 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by JnB View Post
To be honest I've been surprised by the lack of "real" moms venting on here about stepmoms. I just thought it would be an equal 50/50 thing. And, by reading posts like that I think I would learn a thing or two to better my relationship with DSC's mom.
I think this was the intent of the OP post. She doesn't post on here, as a "real" mom in a blended family, because she feels unwelcome by the negativity and disrespect that's given to "real" moms by stepmoms. And the purpose of my post was to say that that's also been my experience IRL, not just on mothering. I think seperate forums would be best, personally.
post #76 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by holly6737 View Post
I've never heard a "stepmom" say that she thought the "birth mom" was doing a good job being a parent. It's always the case that her parenting is of "poor quality". I guess that's where it upsets me. I know many women who are stepmothers and all they have to say about the child's real mother are negative things. I think referring to the child's real mom as the "Birth Mom" is one of those negative things. FWIW, I technically have a "stepmom" who did "parent" me half of the time from 14-18. But she's my father's wife and that's all she'll ever be.
I believe I did say that (as in DP and I coparent very well with mom & step-dad #2, as a matter of fact, they're excellent parents, my only complaint is that they are too far away!), and I've heard plenty people say that. But, let's not pretend people don't come to anonymous fora to vent, we all do it. In part people come here because many folks share the same ideals on parenting.

I don't think anyone here refers to the child's birthmom as such in person, it's just a word used for a forum, as there is no term for it. If we can settle on a suitable terminology, I'd be interested in using the term, but as it stands, there's nothing really suitable.

And let's face it, birth or step mom aside, we all know that there are parents who do a good job, and parents who do not.

If you don't mind taking a peek into what I mean, I'd like to explain a bit more what I meant by poor quality parenting. For my part, "poor quality" isn't that she feeds her kids differently than I would, or she dresses them differently. What I consider poor quality is hitting your daughter (d(s)d #1) and then calling the cops to take her to Juvy because she's fighting you (believe this, the cops always side with this particular mom). It breaks my and DP's hearts to tell d(s)d#3 that mommy didn't mean to call and not talk to her for the umpteenth time, because she only ever wants to talk to d(s)s, of course that's not the reasoning we tell her, but it's getting harder to make up reasons why.

These things, I find intolerable because of the hurt that comes at the children. Heaven knows we don't, and most people here don't, say anythign negative about the child's mom. Of course, at times, it is hard as hell, but that's why we come here. Some of us have do, in fact, have to deal with very poor quality parenting. It's hard as hell to see your child, step or not, be hurt repeatedly by someone who loves them.

Perhaps that helps explain where some of us come from? I'd really hope so, honestly, because I think it's a good idea to see from both sides. I think it's a very good idea to have open dialogue between various types of mothers, it makes us ALL better parents.

I'd like to say more, but I need to go.

I hope this helps shed light rather than close doors.
post #77 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teenytoona View Post
I believe I did say that (as in DP and I coparent very well with mom & step-dad #2, as a matter of fact, they're excellent parents, my only complaint is that they are too far away!), and I've heard plenty people say that. But, let's not pretend people don't come to anonymous fora to vent, we all do it. In part people come here because many folks share the same ideals on parenting.

I don't think anyone here refers to the child's birthmom as such in person, it's just a word used for a forum, as there is no term for it. If we can settle on a suitable terminology, I'd be interested in using the term, but as it stands, there's nothing really suitable.

And let's face it, birth or step mom aside, we all know that there are parents who do a good job, and parents who do not.

If you don't mind taking a peek into what I mean, I'd like to explain a bit more what I meant by poor quality parenting. For my part, "poor quality" isn't that she feeds her kids differently than I would, or she dresses them differently. What I consider poor quality is hitting your daughter (d(s)d #1) and then calling the cops to take her to Juvy because she's fighting you (believe this, the cops always side with this particular mom). It breaks my and DP's hearts to tell d(s)d#3 that mommy didn't mean to call and not talk to her for the umpteenth time, because she only ever wants to talk to d(s)s, of course that's not the reasoning we tell her, but it's getting harder to make up reasons why.

These things, I find intolerable because of the hurt that comes at the children. Heaven knows we don't, and most people here don't, say anythign negative about the child's mom. Of course, at times, it is hard as hell, but that's why we come here. Some of us have do, in fact, have to deal with very poor quality parenting. It's hard as hell to see your child, step or not, be hurt repeatedly by someone who loves them.

Perhaps that helps explain where some of us come from? I'd really hope so, honestly, because I think it's a good idea to see from both sides. I think it's a very good idea to have open dialogue between various types of mothers, it makes us ALL better parents.

I'd like to say more, but I need to go.

I hope this helps shed light rather than close doors.
I can see where you are coming from. That must be very difficult for you. It's understandable that one would use one type of language online and another in real life.
post #78 of 264
Holly, you're right. I didn't pick up on that when I was typing, but that was the OP's point.
For me it all comes down to convenience and speed combined with clarity. Sometimes it just helps people understand which person you are referring to/talking about. And almost everyone has a different family dynamic (multiple step parents being referred to, multiple biological mothers (and fathers), biological/stepchildren, etc.) So I think we've found acronyms that can be universally used to help explain all the different families we have.
Another MDC mamma has a thread in her sig to "think about changing DH/DW to DP". That made a lot of sense to me and it happens to pertain to my situation so it was an easy change for me to universally adopt. I never considered the negative connotations of BM. Neither SKids (and said so on that thread a few weeks ago). If the acronym simply reminds people of bodily functions, well I'm sorry but I don't. And it is never my intent when I use them. So, to me, I see it being hard for me to want to change.
Sometimes simply saying DSC's (SKids) mom makes sense. Sometimes I still think it could be confusing. But, when I see BM I know exactly what the person wants me to read.
I'm not saying I'd be obstinate to change, but after following this thread BM still works in my mind.
post #79 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by holly6737 View Post
I can see where you are coming from. That must be very difficult for you. It's understandable that one would use one type of language online and another in real life.
Thanks, Holly. I'm glad that it didn't make things worse! But hey, if we can figure out a better term, I'm all about that!
post #80 of 264
Quote:
Originally Posted by anitaj71 View Post
Does it really matter if we use bm or skids? Are we kidding? We are talking about family, the struggles and pain and loss for children that have lost parents to another marriage etc. Can we please stop this trivial arguments over shorthand?

P.S. harleyhalfmoon - you are doing a great job Consider yourself kindly acknowledged for the hard work you do.
Ditto, every word.
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