Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Page 5

[Selesai]

::donning flameproof suit::

This thread makes me wonder how much a stepmother is supposed to give up to make sure everyone aside from her is honored.

I agree with harleyhalfmoon's post. Being a stepparent is very difficult. I find it nearly appalling that Cora'sMom thinks it's wonderful for a stepparent to refer to their stepchild as their child (i.e. "daughter" or "son") but thinks it disgraceful that, on the internet, some women shorthand "bio-mom." Really?

So I must ensure that every action I take, including my venting or discussing a stepfamily situation on an anonymous internet forum, must honor my SS's mother and ensure I never complain about her. I am applauded if I manage to give away myself and my parental love to my SS. But there is no recognition of what as stepparent does, of how hard it is to be one, to have to watch the mess two people can make of a child (sometimes). There is no understanding that NO, I DO NOT feel the same way about my SS as I do my own children and NO, there is nothing wrong with this and NO, I would never refer to my SS as my "son" because he is not and I would not want to offend him or confuse anyone or make it seem to him that I was trying to usurp his mother's role.

Look, this whole stepfamily thing is unnatural and confusing. I think the best we can do is stop taking offense at others shorthand (since the majority mean no offense) and start supporting each other.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Selesai

Look, this whole stepfamily thing is unnatural and confusing. I think the best we can do is stop taking offense at others shorthand (since the majority mean no offense) and start supporting each other.

Yes.

[lunabelly]

Originally Posted by Selesai

::donning flameproof suit::
Look, this whole stepfamily thing is unnatural and confusing. I think the best we can do is stop taking offense at others shorthand (since the majority mean no offense) and start supporting each other.

Hallallujah!

[mamameg]

Great post, Selesai. I've been wanting to post to this thread, but wasn't sure how to put my feelings into words.

I am one of those stepmoms dealing with a less than great mom. She's not awful (she's not on drugs, nor is she neglectful) but she certainly does not parent much in the 4 days a month she has her son, who is a special needs teen and really needs A LOT of parenting and guidance and consistency. She just wants to take him to the movies and buy him whatever he wants and it's fun fun fun all the time with her, and that makes my job SO MUCH harder than it needs to be. DSS resents me because I am responsible for making sure he sticks to his highly restricted diet, homework and chores get done, I hold him accountable for his actions, and we never have any money to do anything "fun". And we only get about $250/mo in child support form his mom, which barely covers his medicine, and does not even make a dent in therapies, medical foods and dietary supplements. So I make it all happen every day, with very few resources, and all I get is crap from the teen and when he calls to complain about how terrible I am to his mom, all she can think of to say is "make the best of it, son" as if I am some sort of thing to be merely tolerated. :

Yes, I understand it must be difficult to let go and allow someone else to be so involved in the raising of your child, but SHE wanted him to come live here because he's too much of a handful for her to deal with and her new husband can't stand dealing with the boy. I just feel so resentful that she is fine having me do her day to day job in raising him, but can't find it in herself to remind her son that I deserve respect and maybe arguing with me about every little thing (he's the same way with her - it's no secret - that's why she sent him to live with us) isn't the best way to behave.

And it just makes me sad to come here, one of the few places I have to discuss these issues at all, and have people get all caught up in internet shorthand, as if that's the real issue here. When there is just SO MUCH more than that going on for most of us.

[AngelBee]

No flames

However, it is hard to read through the words online.

I refer to Dom's bio dad as bio dad. He actually is more of an uncle (by his own lacking of involvement, consistency, and financial contribution)

I will not call him Dom's "dad" just because they share DNA. Rich has earn that title by cleaning up throwup, chasing away monsters, enforcing guidelines, reading to him, paying for him....you get the point......since he was 13 months. That is the first "dad" he knew.

I do not use the term to be diragetory. He love Dom's bio dad. He just is not his "dad" in the way that I believe the term usually is used.

Don't know if that makes sense.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by Selesai

Look, this whole stepfamily thing is unnatural and confusing. I think the best we can do is stop taking offense at others shorthand (since the majority mean no offense) and start supporting each other.

[AngelBee]

to everyone. This is such a difficult situation to be in.....regardless of what title/role you have.

I rarely come in this forum because it reminds me that we are "different" and the issues I will face as the years go by.

(Prepping to go to court soon as ds bio dad wants 50/50 custody )

[Shonahsmom]

But I think supporting each other means realizing that a number of us feel very alienated from this forum because of the language used here. Even if you think we are over-reacting, misinterpreting, or being too sensitive, it's still feels alienating and upsetting to some of us.

If someone in my IRL circle approached me and said something I was saying/doing was offending or upsetting them, I would try to compromise on some level, even if I knew my intentions were not to offend. But here, I'm hearing a bit of a roll of the eyes, put-up and shut-up attitude. A few suggested some compromises that I feel are good ideas. Is anyone interested in trying to adopt a different term?

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

Is anyone interested in trying to adopt a different term?

Absolutely!

[liawbh]

I think splitting into 2 (or more) boards is a really really bad idea. It's not like this place is so hopping with blended families taht it can support 2 forums. As i said before, I am a biological mom AND a step mom, and I certainly don't want to have to decide which board is more appropriate for which portion of an issue.


As for "BM", I have been on parenting lists or boards for so long, I usually read it as "breastmilk" unless I'm reading in this forum, and then I know it's short for Bio-mom.

If someone wants to come up with a poll and a bunch of alternative names for the various parties in a blended family, I'd be happy to switch. I think it needs to be something consistent and easily abbreviated (4 letters max), otherwise it's not going to stick.

[Papooses]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

But I think supporting each other means realizing that a number of us feel very alienated from this forum because of the language used here. Even if you think we are over-reacting, misinterpreting, or being too sensitive, it's still feels alienating and upsetting to some of us.

If someone in my IRL circle approached me and said something I was saying/doing was offending or upsetting them, I would try to compromise on some level, even if I knew my intentions were not to offend. But here, I'm hearing a bit of a roll of the eyes, put-up and shut-up attitude. A few suggested some compromises that I feel are good ideas. Is anyone interested in trying to adopt a different term?

Not quite. What you're getting from me is the fact that you nor I nor anyone else can or should read anything into someone else's terminology because we're not part of their lives IRL. This is the cyberworld. We can only take what others share as the "truth" with a grain of salt & realize that whatever anyone else says about their own situations has absolutely NOTHING to do with our own.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I suggested some acronyms further up, someone else suggest some. As annoying as it is, I am just to lazy to type out So-and-So's mom every time I talk about her. It's hard to even use "she" since I have a female dsc, making it difficult to who I am referring to.

I would just like to reiterate that there are those of us who don't actually use "BM" in real life, we just use it as internet shorthand, didn't realize it upset others until a few days ago. So I'd like to hear some more suggestions for non-offensive shorthand so we can change what we type and move on.

I'd hate for this to become one of those threads where everyone sits around complaining about the problem but does not actually does anything to solve the problem.

[yoyo65]

threads like this are the reason I don't post in this forum that much.
This is really petty. I've got bigger issues to worry about. Like actually learning how to deal with my stepkids in a positive manner, which isn't easy if you knew our history. I think that is way more important. I'm not going worry about if the acronym I'm using ON THE INTERNET is hurting somebody's feelings.

In my old age, I come to realize people read into anything how ever they feel like. No matter what the writer was trying to get across.

[SkiMama36]

Originally Posted by yoyo65

threads like this are the reason I don't post in this forum that much.
This is really petty. I've got bigger issues to worry about. Like actually learning how to deal with my stepkids in a positive manner, which isn't easy if you knew our history. I think that is way more important. I'm not going worry about if the acronym I'm using ON THE INTERNET is hurting somebody's feelings.

In my old age, I come to realize people read into anything how ever they feel like. No matter what the writer was trying to get across.

Amen! This is not a put-up and shut-up suggestion, merely pointing out that there are bigger battles to pick in this life we've chosen (and we did choose this) freaking out over an acronym that is recognized and (what I thought) fully accepted (so much so it never even blipped on my mom-radar) is just one more battle that I'm choosing not to fight.

I think that those whom are offended by the use of "BM" to refer to a biological mother should just use a different term. You will undoubtedly know what we are referring to when we use the term "BM" and should rest assured that unless we preface it with "drug-using, child-beating, whoring around Biological Matter" (which I doubt any of us would use....although I shouldn't jinx myself) you can rest easy knowing we are simply referring to the child(ren)s birth mom. Simply a matter of personal taste, and one I find palatable.

[SimpleJoys]

Goodness me, tempest in a teacup and all those other good cliches. I am a biomom and stepmom and neither term hurts me. It isn't like my children go around calling me "bio" or "step" though I actually told dss he could if he wanted. Seems a lot of time and effort has gone into this subject. Every other forum on step parenting uses the terms biomom and biodad. I guess I am an older mom and this stuff just seems sad to me. Reach beyond the words to find the wisdom. The friendships and support are what is important here, not computer short hand. Some people use the term bonus mom which seems a little cute, but maybe that could be used for step and just mom for biomom. But then again, maybe bonus mom would be offensive to some.

[SkiMama36]

Originally Posted by angilyn

Goodness me, tempest in a teacup and all those other good cliches. I am a biomom and stepmom and neither term hurts me. It isn't like my children go around calling me "bio" or "step" though I actually told dss he could if he wanted. Seems a lot of time and effort has gone into this subject. Every other forum on step parenting uses the terms biomom and biodad. I guess I am an older mom and this stuff just seems sad to me. Reach beyond the words to find the wisdom. The friendships and support are what is important here, not computer short hand. Some people use the term bonus mom which seems a little cute, but maybe that could be used for step and just mom for biomom. But then again, maybe bonus mom would be offensive to some.

I hear ya!
Off to fry bigger fish!!!!

[anj119]

I think what is happening..... well, I think it kind of goes beyond the terms we use. When a step-mom is speaking of her dskm (thx to pinksparkly for the new abbreviation i wanted to say I like them ah hell.... I'll just use em! ) and the tone of her post is em..... well, snarky toward the dskm.
That comes through.
And maybe that it seems a thing imparted by the abbreviation BM or bio-mom, but rather it is the snark which comes through the words.
It is less common to hear step-moms speaking well of their dskms .... and, typically when they do, they don't use the same terms -BM or bio-mom.
Just a thought.

-anj119

[katybear mama]

And it just makes me sad to come here, one of the few places I have to discuss these issues at all, and have people get all caught up in internet shorthand, as if that's the real issue here. When there is just SO MUCH more than that going on for most of us.

:

[anj119]

I don't feel at all sad about this discussion.

Like the previous posters, I also love coming here and I, for one, am glad that someone had the kahones to say something about it, finally.

Apologies to everyone who is upset to learn that the status quo is not working for others as it is for them.

Any conversation on the internet or in 'real' life is subject to some general rules of courtesy.... its not even really courtesty... more like practical guidelines one follows when ones intent is to express themselves in a manner which they would like to be thoughtfully considered rather than shrugged off or given a cursory glance. When I learn that, by my use of language or by my mis-use of it, I unintentionally cause offense or insult to my audience, then I have a choice to make.
I either blame the audience, deny any responsibility, and assert the goodness of my intentions
or I modify my language to achieve my goal which is open communication with a diverse community.... to represent myself accurately, honestly and with respect for how that will translate with my audience.

If it is, as it has been suggested, simply a matter of habit, of using a widely accepted form of internet shorthand, then the change will be within the reach of anyone who chooses to recognize the validity of the feelings expressed by the OP and supported by several subsequent posters. It will not be within the reach of those who, for whatever reason, reject the idea that there is now -or was ever a problem, and who believe that the injury expressed by the OP is a problem only in that it was expressed and seems to be interfering with business as usual.

Did I mention yet how down I am with pinksparklybarefoot's suggested alternative shorthand? 'cause I'm way down with it, cuz. bee-lee dat.
DearStepSon'sMother DSSM
DearStepDaughter'sMother DSDM
or DearStepChildren'sMother DSCM
these are good! And, easy to use!
are they not?

-anj119

[Earthly_Joys]

If I wanted to say something bad about BM I would. I wouldn't use the term "BM" just to sneak a "bowel movement" reference in to the conversation.

Anyway, I'm agreeing with Laggie. She makes an excellent point. I saw a few others that I thought were great too.

It seems like this topic comes up every once and a while. To each her own I guess. I'm sticking with BM because it defines who she is. In the real world I would just say her name.