PPD or just fatigue?

[ambotchka]

I love my 13month old, but there have been times throughout the past year when I've wanted to shake her. Now, please don't think I would ever actually DO that! It's a scary thought that runs through my head and I cry and hold her even when she's still screaming in my ears.

Those times are few and far between, but recently I have been getting angry at her when she is walking around shrieking and clinging to my legs, not letting me get dressed. I know I shouldn't be angry.

I've also been extremely irratible towards my DH, who has been bearing the brunt of my frustrations.

I do not get enough uninterrupted sleep b/c she wakes up about every three hours to nurse. I do not get enough "me" time right now b/c I work 7 days a week (that's only until the end of the month, though).

Am I just tired, worn-out, and irritable? Or is this something deeper? I do not want to hurt anyone, including my daughter or myself (even if I have split-second thoughts of shaking her sometimes).

I guess the thought that I might have PPD seems ludicrous to me b/c she is so old, and I "made it" through her first year. Yes, that's how it seems sometimes, that I "survived" my daughter. Isn't that horrible?

[Upside]

Yes I think you are tired and worn out and it could be PPD even after a year. I struggled with bouts of depression throughout the first year. I think it's normal to be irritated with a little one when you really need some down time. I never had thoughts about shaking my daughter but there were a couple of times I had to put her down in her crib and take 10 minutes in the other room to do my own crying.

Do you know, I always loved my daughter of course, but our relationship went to a whole new level when she moved into the toddler stage, 18mos, 2 yrs. Now she's 2 and a half and I love her desperately, and love that we can talk and play together. I think I did a good job parenting her as a baby, but I'm not ashamed to say I get more joy parenting a toddler. There is nothing like a mushy toddler kiss. What I'm saying is in my own way, I "survived" the first year and I wouldn't dream of judging you as a person or parent because the first year was hard for you. There is just this expectation that women should be all googly over tiny babies. I mean, they're cute and all but...

[mom0810]

Yes, it absolutely could be PPD. PPD can surface any time during the first year, and even after.

Of course you are tired. But fatigue is also a part of PPD. So are body aches, anxiety, things that you really wouldn't think of as depression unless you knew about it already.

I suggest taking the quiz in the sticky at the top of the forum and seeing how you do on it. You can also check out PSI (Postpartum Support International) to get more info and try and find a practitioner in your area if you think you need to.

I could not understand what was going on with me, either. I did not really have symptoms until my son was a year old or so, and it freaked me out.

You will find nothing but support here, so feel free to post and tell us how you are doing.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by ambotchka

I do not get enough uninterrupted sleep ...

Am I just tired, worn-out, and irritable? Or is this something deeper

I hope you are doing better every day.

You are good to look for answers. You could be tired, worn-out or it could be something deeper. It could be PPD or something else. I highly, highly recommend seeing a professional therapist, based on my own experience with one.

A few people around me thought I had PPD (DH, etc) but I didn't think I did. I saw a therapist, and she also thought I did not have PPD. We talked through problems and feelings, and it helped to have a professional's opinion and guidance.

You might have to look for a therapist you like. You may not get a therapist off the bat who fits your needs. If you can afford to keep searching, do so! I think a good therapist is so worth the time and effort.

Good luck!

[timneh_mom]

For me, sleep deprivation is like the seventh level of hell. I have all of the symptoms you mentioned that you're having, it's a really, really miserable place to be!! If I get a couple of decent nights, it seems to all lift almost miraculously.

Once you're done with your work schedule, can you get caught up on some sleep? If you still aren't feeling well, might be PPD... They seem awfully alike, but for me, sleep is the instant cure. Problem with me, is, I can't get enough of it right now...