seeking suggestions of support

[agholmes]

Hello ladies...

I was hoping to find some advice for how to support my sister who is struggling with infertility. It is really creating a rift in our relationship that saddens me.
She has been trying for over a year and has tried every natural approach... herbs, accupuncture, massage, chiropractic. She saw a specialist and was diagnosed with PCOS. She began taking metformin and has just completed her first Clomid cycle with no ovulation. She is beginning to take this all as a sign that she is not intended to have children. She is angry and resentful of the women around her who are not mindful of their bodies or this world yet continue to have child after child.
I want to find the words to help her believe that she deserves a baby, despite the efforts involved. I want her to know that she is no less a woman and will make no less a mother for having struggled. I feel guilty talking to her as I have been blessed with my babes, and as a doula and midwife apprentice have made pregnancy and birth my life. Please tell me the things others have said to you to guide you through your journeys, or share the things you wish had not been said.
Thank you for sharing...

[cristeen]

For me, the most important part was being reassured that I'd be a great mom, that I don't deserve this, that I didn't do something to earn it, and that you'll support her in any way you can through this. Listen if she needs to talk. Some women won't want to hear about your kids, some will... ask her which she would prefer. Tell her you don't want to be insensitive, so if she doesn't want to hear about little Suzie's new tooth or little Tommy's new train, don't take it personally. For some women it can be just too painful.

Some don'ts: Don't tell her it will happen, don't tell her she just has to relax, don't tell her not to worry about it, don't tell her she's "still young", don't tell her "there's always adoption", etc. There's entire threads around here listing the things not to say, but I think you get the idea.

You may also want to point her towards the PCOS tribe here on MDC, and there are other sites/chatboards out there for women with PCOS. It really helps to know that you're not alone and that other women have gone through this.

From what you describe, it sounds like she is depressed by this, which is entirely normal, but she is still at the beginning of the journey. It can take a while to get the body to cooperate. If this depression is unusual, it may be something that should be mentioned to her RE. Depression/mood swings/behavioral changes are an uncommon side effect of Metformin, but speaking as someone who has that uncommon side effect, you don't even notice it until it's gone, when it's like the sun came out. It may be worth mentioning to her DP.

There are also all sorts of other things she can do to help the process, diet, acupuncture, herbs, supplements, etc. They are all complimentary treatments, and many of us have had success with them.

PCOS is not a death sentence to your dreams of a family... it just makes it more difficult.

HTH

[gemasita]

I am a doula myself so my infertility is really difficult to deal with.

For me, the biggest thing is when women don't acknowledge what a true miracle conception is. I don't mind it when my pg friends tell me how truly lucky they feel that they are pregnant but it's a totally different story when someone tells me how they got pg on the first try and how easy it was. Because then I know that person doesn't understand what a miracle it is.

I do appreciate it when my husband says that I will be the best mom in the world because of everything I have gone through to have a baby. When he tells me how loved and wanted our children will be beyond anything else in the world, then I know that I do deserve to be a mom.

[ChristyM26]

I've felt that same desperation and despair. It's incredibly difficult to not be jealous when the whole world around you is pregnant or has kids already. There are entire days when all you want to do is cry, except you can't because there are few people who understand what you're going through.

Like cristeen said, avoid the comments like "it'll happen in time" and other well-meaning but incredibly hurtful things. It might help if you let her know that she can vent at you (and really mean it, let her cry, get everything out, but don't comment on it) because there were days when that's what you need - a place to complain endlessly and not hear a comment or a story about how so and so got pregnant when they finally gave up or something to that effect.

If she comes to adoption (eventually) she will have to first get past this and that's not easy because you want to try EVERYTHING first. There are a lot of roads to go down with infertility and it's hard and long and lonely. If she doesn't want to talk to you, give her some resources online - here, soulcycsters.com and I'm sure there are others. There are a lot of us out here, but it's not one of those things that's acknowledged much. It'll help if she has support, even if it's online.

[mamastotwo]

Resolve is a wonderful group with great support groups if she wants to go that way. The website has lots of info too. I think they may have a bulletin board, but not sure.

[Superperce]

Don't give success stories of others that have had a hard time conceiving then finally succeeded. My mom works in healthcare and always tells me well-meaning stories like this but, selfish as it sounds, I don't care to hear about other people.

(On behalf of those of us who suffer from infertility,) thank you for trying to understand what your sister's going through.