Mom to stepmom suggestions? - Page 2

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

This is a sore spot for most Stepmothers. I don't think anyone except a Stepmother realizes just how much the "Evil Stepmother" comments hit home. As for "Don't be evil.", it can go both ways. Sometimes it does.

When my partner asked SD if she knew what would happen if he and I married, she said: "ProtoLawyer would become my stepmother." Then she almost started crying. "You're not going to become mean, will you?"

We reminded her that her Nana was actually her father's stepmother, and Nana was nice. That seemed to do the trick, a little: "This is ProtoLawyer. She's my daddy's girlfriend. When they get married, she'll become my stepmother, but not like Cinderella's stepmother because Cinderella's stepmother is mean all the time and ProtoLawyer is mean only sometimes."

(I asked her how I was mean and she told me: "We never have cookies except when we go to the coffee shop." So it's all relative.)

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by katybear mama

:

I totally agree. My problems with my daughter's step-mother started immediately when, 5 years ago, after my dd's dance recital I was on bended knee telling her what a great job she did & she (she was my x-h's girlfriend at the time) literally turned my dd around (while I was still talking to her) to hug her & tell her "how proud of her" she was. I was very polite & let it go but what I wanted to do was scream "Who the F are you to be proud of my daughter?!".

Did the stepmother help your daughter at all with her dancing? (Like watch her practicing while your daughter was at your ex's house?) If so, I can see how she'd be proud -- I used to teach high school and I was proud of my students when they did well. I suppose it depends on context.

The stepmother was beyond rude to interrupt you, though, and I can see where her other behavior would make the "proud" remark obnoxious.

[myra_mcgray]

When my DS was born I was afraid i would love him more than my DSS and that my DSS would know. I don't it was never an issues. Things are different with DSS he is not here all the times. We (my husband and I) don't make all the decisions about him but, they are both my family, my children. When I was explaining to DSS what being married was I said it was when you love someone so much that even though they are not your family you decide to make them your family. He asked if this was what we did and i said yes I married him and his father they are both my family. I guess it may be because I have been involved with my DSS since he was a baby, but I have a hard time understanding the idea of having bio and step kids and not treating/feeling like they are both your own. I hope if me and DH ever split and he remarries whomever he is with treats my kids and loves my kids as much as they do their own. That being said I would not do things that should be with DSS and his mom that relationship is special and I am not his mom, but i am his parent.

[DaffyDaphne]

Originally Posted by sunflowers

If that's true, why would she be OK with me being my daughter's mother? What would stop her from taking my daughter out for her first bra or having the puberty talk with her or "stealing" the moments that should be shared with her mother? Why would she not want to have the child she loves like her own to live with her for her to raise along with her other kids? It' something of a slippery slope in my mind. It may not be the healthiest attitude but it's the best I can do right now. My daughter is still very small and I'm sure I'll grow and learn as the years go by. I've let go of so much in just the past year, I'm sure there is more letting go in store for me

She (hopefully) would do none of those things even if she does love her like her own out of respect for your relationship with your daughter. She might very much WANT to do all of them, especially have the child with her all the time with her others, but what stops her is realizing that there's another woman in the picture who loves the little one the same and who's claims to such events must take priority.

You sound, actually, very healthy, and I'm sure you're right and it will get easier and less frightening as time goes on.

[LambyPants]

I love this thread!! I'm a stepmom, and I love my step-daughter dearly. Yes, just as much as my own children. I try my best not to step on mom's toes as far as the things that should be "mom" things, but it's hard when you're dealing with a mom that doesn't want to be a mom, but flips if I do mom things with Charlie. According to her I'm not even allowed to so much as brush her hair. I hope she doesn't start her period when she's here...what would I do? DH can't even handle a poopy diaper, he'd run screaming like a girl in that situation!!

Charlie's not allowed to refer to me as "mom" or even "stepmom"...she can only call me "Stacey" or "my dad's wife". And my name is apparently forbidden in her mom's house, so only "my dad's wife" at home. She (mom) doesn't like me because I won't put up with her baloney and I don't let her bully me. I'm the only woman that she hasn't been able to run out of my husband's life even though she's made serious attempts at splitting us up.

I've been put in the position of disciplinarian, which is impossible to avoid when DH is at work. I'm certainly not going to wait until he gets home on certain matters like, smacking the neighbor kid in the face with a plastic sword, pulling her ring down over her knuckle and punching my 5 year old in the head with it over and over again, kicking, kneeing, pulling hair, pushing the baby down off the couch onto the floor...

I've also been on the other side. My ex husband is not re-marreid, but he's had plenty of girlfriends. I've only had an issue with one because she seemed a little...um, psycho. I didn't even know about her until ex didn't show up to drop the kids off when he had to go to work. I called him and he said "Oh yeah...I left them with Theresa." Who the heck is Theresa? His girlfriend of like 3 whole weeks. Overnight? I don't think so!! Turned out...she was psycho.

Anyway...I don't have an issue with our kids calling someone else mom. As long as it is a solid relationship, preferably married. I don't care. As long as I know they are safe, cared for and well-loved. I called my stepdad "dad", and my stepmom "mom". It wasn't an issue with either one of my parents. Ex had one girl that he was engaged to. She was very nice, the kids called her "other mom". She'd come over without my ex and get the kids on days that were "my parenting time" to spend time with them. They didn't make it though because she couldn't stand him being gone all the time (truck driver).

[DaffyDaphne]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Don't treat my kids like your children. Treat my children with the love and respect and understanding that you would a friend: talk straight to them. Reason with them. If you disagree, feel free to tell them so, but in an "I think xxx way" not the "you are wrong because you're seven" way. It is not your place to discipline, to sit them on the naughty step or to make them feel like crap about themselves

I agree with the rest of the post (not quoted) but this stuff I can't get behind. I do and will always treat my DSS like my other children, how could I not? How mean would it be not to do so?

And he's not my friend, he is (well, was) a child for whom I had some adult responsibility. I'm not going to "reason" with a child, for instance, that is in danger, not my own, not my step, not the neighbors. And it is most certainly my place alongside my husband's to enforce the rules of our home -- we do it when the kids' friends are here, why would we not do it for my DSS: It certainly is my place to discipline him when my husband is not around in whatever way my husband and I have agreed upon (and hopefully my husband has agreed on disciplinary strategies with his ex).

I would never intentionally make a child or anyone else "feel like crap" about themselves, though.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

What if you don't know what's important to her or not? I can't never do anything with my Stepdaughter because I'm afraid it will upset her Mother. Some of the things I would have thought were a big deal (Tooth Fairy coming after losing the first tooth, teaching her to ride her bike), her Mother didn't care about, even acted relieved that someone else did that with her and other things, like my Hubby handing me the phone to wish my stepdaughter Happy Birthday or me being with my Hubby to drop her off at her first day of Religion Class (which her Mother did not attend), are a big deal. I never intentionally step on my stepdaughter's Mother's toes, but it seems that, unless I completely ignore my stepdaughter and let my Hubby raise her 100% when she's at our house (we both agree on any move we make with either child or any major home decisions), I'm offending her. Some things I learn- like I'm not allowed to come to Parent-Teacher Conferences even if Katherine's Mother doesn't go and I'm not allowed to go to Back-To-School Night, even though my stepdaughter asks me every year, so I don't do it, even though it kills me. I guess my point is, the important things sometimes seem to be different with everyone and as a Stepmother, I never know what's gonna upset my stepdaughter's Mother. If the Mother won't tell you (until after the fact), how can you keep the peace?

I do think it's safe to assume that there are some things that are important "parent" issues, regardless of gender that either parent will likely want to be involved in - first lost tooth comes to mind. I figured that it depended on whose house they were at. Dad & I likely should have coordinated that. Who knew he'd tell the kiddo "The tooth fairy only goes to Mom's house, so take the tooth back there."? Okay.

But there are also things that I think are safe to assume the like-gender parent will probably want to handle, and s/he should get that opportunity first. I've offered the opportunity to my ex to take care of some male-related issues with our son. He's skivved off on 'em. So I handled them. I've kept stepMom in the loop regarding where our daughter is wrt maturing, puberty, knowledge, etc. She steps in at every turn to handle the milestones. Even when I've told her I'd take care of things. I'd suck it up for my kid. But she's come to me and said (for example) "StepMom said she's taking me bra shopping next time I come up. I really don't want to go with her. Will you take me before?" She really didn't need a bra yet. So I frankly feel I have to stay a step ahead.

[kathirynne]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Hm, I completely agree with the first two, and a bit hurt about the last one... I AM NOT AN EVIL STEPMOTHER!
Why is it assumed by default?...the evil comment?! Not nice
Too many Fairy Tales?..

I didn't mean evil in the fairy tale step mother sense. I meant evil in the general sense. (As in, the opposite of a nice person.)

I never assume anything about anyone.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

What if you don't know what's important to her or not? I can't never do anything with my Stepdaughter because I'm afraid it will upset her Mother.

This is often an issue with us.

I just found out that it is a problem that I pack my DSD's lunch for school. How on earth would I have ever considered that lunch would be an issue? I cook most of the dinners at our house (which DSD eats), so what is the difference with lunch? When DS and his future siblings are of school age, do I pack everyone else's lunch but refuse to pack DSD's because I'm not her mother or father? That sounds like an evil stepmother action if I ever heard of one.

[jennlyn]

Be aware that it isn't only stepmoms or dads that can steal away special moments that belong to the parent. I've a friend who has lost those moments with her dc to the grandmas, aunties, grandpas and uncles who have to rush to do everything "first" with the children because their financial resources are greater than those of a single mom.

[katybear mama]

Don't forget the ExHusband! It takes two to commit adultery!

Oops! You're right, I forgot about the ExHusband. Tell him too.

Did the stepmother help your daughter at all with her dancing? (Like watch her practicing while your daughter was at your ex's house?)

ProtoLawyer, no she barely knew her at this point.

I also should mention that I am a stepmom too, to my husband's son. I would never pull the kind of disrespectful nonsense with his mother that my dd's stepmom pulls with me. I am always conscious of how I am acting or treating him. I am his dad's wife, not his mother.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by myra_mcgray

When my DS was born I was afraid i would love him more than my DSS and that my DSS would know. I don't it was never an issues. Things are different with DSS he is not here all the times. We (my husband and I) don't make all the decisions about him but, they are both my family, my children. When I was explaining to DSS what being married was I said it was when you love someone so much that even though they are not your family you decide to make them your family. He asked if this was what we did and i said yes I married him and his father they are both my family. I guess it may be because I have been involved with my DSS since he was a baby, but I have a hard time understanding the idea of having bio and step kids and not treating/feeling like they are both your own. I hope if me and DH ever split and he remarries whomever he is with treats my kids and loves my kids as much as they do their own. That being said I would not do things that should be with DSS and his mom that relationship is special and I am not his mom, but i am his parent.

I wonder how much the age of the child when you become a main part in his or her life comes into it. I started dating my Hubby when my stepdaughter was 11 months old and married him a few months after she turned four, so I've pretty much helped to raise her most her life. I can't imagine whether or not we'd be this close if I met her when she was ten or so.

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

When my partner asked SD if she knew what would happen if he and I married, she said: "ProtoLawyer would become my stepmother." Then she almost started crying. "You're not going to become mean, will you?"

We reminded her that her Nana was actually her father's stepmother, and Nana was nice. That seemed to do the trick, a little: "This is ProtoLawyer. She's my daddy's girlfriend. When they get married, she'll become my stepmother, but not like Cinderella's stepmother because Cinderella's stepmother is mean all the time and ProtoLawyer is mean only sometimes."

(I asked her how I was mean and she told me: "We never have cookies except when we go to the coffee shop." So it's all relative.)

We got the same thing when we told my stepdaughter that her Daddy and I were getting married. She FREAKED OUT crying hysterically. After she calmed down to talk, she said, "I don't want Krissy to be mean to me. I don't want to be like Cinderella." : Now, sometimes when I do something "mean", like for example, the other day I turned around quick and accidently knocked her down, we joke, "Here's Katherine's Evil Stepmother again." Her Mother tried to make that same joke when I told Katherine she had to carry her own backpack. (It was heavy, but my hands were already full.) It just doesn't come off as a joke when other people say it. I'm sorry to say, I was guilty of quite a dirty look, which was probably not warrented.

Originally Posted by jennlyn

Be aware that it isn't only stepmoms or dads that can steal away special moments that belong to the parent. I've a friend who has lost those moments with her dc to the grandmas, aunties, grandpas and uncles who have to rush to do everything "first" with the children because their financial resources are greater than those of a single mom.

Good point about part of it, but do you mean that Dads have no right to special moments? And is there nothing that can be special just between a Step Parent and their stepchild? Do you mean that every "first" and anything that might possibly be special to the child (or maybe not to the child, but to one of the parents, only the Mother has a right to it? Please clarify.

[kblackstone444]

Bump.

[Nature]

I don't like writing things as "Don't do xy and z" so I just wrote things that have impacted me. I also realize some of the things are problems with not only the step mom, but the father as well.

Them forcing my daughter to call her "Mommy" hurt more than they'll ever know. She took her out to buy her a bra for the first time, she took her and got all of her gorgeous hair cut off when she was 4, her first tooth they did the tooth fairy thing with and then threw the tooth out instead of offering it to me.. I would have liked to save it. Her first dance class and recital was orchestrated by her and at the end when I tried to tell my daughter that I was proud of her, she literally pulled her away from me to criticize her for not doing all the moves she should have. They play on my daughters willingness to please people, and know that if someone asks her to choose who her "Mother" is when out in public.. she will choose her step mom so they don't get angry at her.

Crossing off my name from emergency contact lists.. leaving me off them altogether.

She finds every extra curricular activity that takes place during the time she's usually with me, and signs her up for it without even asking her if she wants to participate. For instance, instead of seeing my daughter on weekends right now.. I won't see her for 2 months because she signed her up for soccer and it takes place on Saturdays. No use driving back and forth so many times they say.. we'll just keep her.

She runs the show, and my ex husband likes it that way. Anything I ask him regarding our daughter, he has to get back to me after he talks with her or call her because he doesn't know the answer. I feel like she's my ex and not him. Yet she won't give me the chance to speak with her about anything either.

Theres been a lot of talk in these forums about vilifying step parents and things like that.. and I really want people to know that in my case, it couldn't be further from the truth. I WANTED my daughter to have many people to love her. I was happy when my ex got remarried. I try so hard to maintain open communication and be involved, but his wife won't even speak to me. If she comes to pick up my dd, instead of calling me from her cell phone to say she's here (we can't see the driveway) she will call my ex, and then he'll call me to say she's there. She goes out of her way to avoid me, and I don't know why. I really have done nothing but bend over backwards to not offend her, while getting stepped on.

For instance, just the other day.. she came to pick up dd and I had my other two children outside with me. My 4 yo usually is inside for the pickup/drop off because she gets emotional. So she really hasn't seen my ex's wife much. She knows her dad comes to pick her up, and when she saw a woman this time she put 2 and 2 together and said loudly, "Ohhh! Sissy DOES have a mom! Look!" And though my heart fell through the floor... I didn't want to correct her. It felt rude and dismissive. "No honey, thats her step mother." If it were me, I wouldn't want to hear that. So I said nothing. And she didn't correct her either. I'm quite sure she was on cloud 9 about it she was beaming so brightly, and I literally felt invisible.

Again, in case there is any doubt.. I don't believe all step mothers are like that at all. My situation just happens to be kinda yucky.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Nature

I don't like writing things as "Don't do xy and z" so I just wrote things that have impacted me. I also realize some of the things are problems with not only the step mom, but the father as well.

Them forcing my daughter to call her "Mommy" hurt more than they'll ever know. She took her out to buy her a bra for the first time, she took her and got all of her gorgeous hair cut off when she was 4, her first tooth they did the tooth fairy thing with and then threw the tooth out instead of offering it to me.. I would have liked to save it. Her first dance class and recital was orchestrated by her and at the end when I tried to tell my daughter that I was proud of her, she literally pulled her away from me to criticize her for not doing all the moves she should have. They play on my daughters willingness to please people, and know that if someone asks her to choose who her "Mother" is when out in public.. she will choose her step mom so they don't get angry at her.

Crossing off my name from emergency contact lists.. leaving me off them altogether.

She finds every extra curricular activity that takes place during the time she's usually with me, and signs her up for it without even asking her if she wants to participate. For instance, instead of seeing my daughter on weekends right now.. I won't see her for 2 months because she signed her up for soccer and it takes place on Saturdays. No use driving back and forth so many times they say.. we'll just keep her.

She runs the show, and my ex husband likes it that way. Anything I ask him regarding our daughter, he has to get back to me after he talks with her or call her because he doesn't know the answer. I feel like she's my ex and not him. Yet she won't give me the chance to speak with her about anything either.

Theres been a lot of talk in these forums about vilifying step parents and things like that.. and I really want people to know that in my case, it couldn't be further from the truth. I WANTED my daughter to have many people to love her. I was happy when my ex got remarried. I try so hard to maintain open communication and be involved, but his wife won't even speak to me. If she comes to pick up my dd, instead of calling me from her cell phone to say she's here (we can't see the driveway) she will call my ex, and then he'll call me to say she's there. She goes out of her way to avoid me, and I don't know why. I really have done nothing but bend over backwards to not offend her, while getting stepped on.

For instance, just the other day.. she came to pick up dd and I had my other two children outside with me. My 4 yo usually is inside for the pickup/drop off because she gets emotional. So she really hasn't seen my ex's wife much. She knows her dad comes to pick her up, and when she saw a woman this time she put 2 and 2 together and said loudly, "Ohhh! Sissy DOES have a mom! Look!" And though my heart fell through the floor... I didn't want to correct her. It felt rude and dismissive. "No honey, thats her step mother." If it were me, I wouldn't want to hear that. So I said nothing. And she didn't correct her either. I'm quite sure she was on cloud 9 about it she was beaming so brightly, and I literally felt invisible.

Again, in case there is any doubt.. I don't believe all step mothers are like that at all. My situation just happens to be kinda yucky.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Thanks.

I think I'm a bit hormonal today because it seems to be a never ending type fest of things so close to the surface. I'm sorry for spamming my messed up situation. Honest.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Nature

Again, in case there is any doubt.. I don't believe all step mothers are like that at all. My situation just happens to be kinda yucky.

You're situation happens to be a lot of yucky! There's NO EXCUSE for what your daughter's Father and Stepmother are doing to you or to the child. :

[ProtoLawyer]

Oh, Nature, that's awful.

[anj119]

I usually don't do this...... I am replying without having read carefully all of the posts previous to mine.
I am crunched for time and have this overwhelming need to get in here real quick and say
Thank you to these step moms!
For asking the question, firstly
and then, and this one is killing me right now,
thank you so much for really listening to these replies
I feel strongly
deeply
honored.

I have read some words which felt harsh to me and inside I felt myself reacting to some of the things which have been said as if I were a step mom reading them. I felt myself responding to some of the things I've read here defensively. And, every single one of the stepmothers participating in this thread have maintained a noble course despite the rife opportunity to take issue along the way.

Thanks to you moms ..... all of you moms
I think I may actually be able to do this thing, which has been so difficult for me....... to find a way to see the right things my daughters step mom is doing and to clear the fog of my own emotional responses and to turn the poison into medicine which will help our family be well.

Carry on my good fellows, carry on.
-anj119

[artmum]

boundaries

It is intolerable, in my situation, that my son's step mom poses like she's the Mom. The latest example of this was last week. We have a family picture wall at my son's school. I am the art teacher at this school, and my son is in Kindergarten. My son's Dad signed up to take a picture of his wife, himself, and my son without letting me know. In other words, they act like she's the mom, and I am completely out of the picture. (But I teach at the school and my son is with me most of the time) Grrrrrr. Keep in mind, this picture is for the wall in the school representing the families of the school. If it was just a family picture for their own purposes, I wouldn't care. The really frustrating part is, I make a huge effort to include my son's Dad (and even the stepmom, when appropriate) in everything I think my son would want them at. To make it even more frustrating, when I talked to my son's Dad about it, he said "You're the birth mom, she's the step mom" as if we are on the same level. Or as if I had put him up for adoption, rather than doing everything I can to make a great life for us. This is all about respecting roles and boundaries. And then my son asked "Why aren't you in my family picture, you're my Mom?" :