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Mom to stepmom suggestions? - Page 3

post #41 of 52
Artmom

I'd suggest that you also hand the school a photo of you and your son together and say "look, he has three parents. One divided family. This is the reality for 50% of schoolaged children today." There is no need for them to cause this kind of conflict.

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post #42 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I like this. I feel this way about my DSD.

I think that there could be cases where a stepparent would love a stepchild as their own, but I'm not sure that you could make that statement unless you had children of your own. You wouldn't know what to compare it to, kwim?

My expectations on how I should feel about my DSD have changed since having DS. I have realized that I will probably never love her like my own child, but do love her like the very important member of my family that she is.
Thanks for saying this. It's put into words how I've felt since my son was born (looks like around the same time as yours!). Before my son was born I always said I loved DSD like she was my own, but then my son was born and I realized it *is* a different kind of love.
For a while, I felt guilty for not being able to love her like a mother loves a child, but as time has gone on I have come more to terms with that and the fact that DSD doesn't need me to be her mother- she needs me to be her "Ima" (what she calls me, yes, Hebrew for Mommy, but it was her decision, and it does have a different meaning for both of us) while her mother does the mothering stuff.
Does that make sense? I'm still trying to work that all out in my head! Blended family issues are not easy!
post #43 of 52
This type of stuff really bothers me. The more I think about it the more it starts to look like it's some type of war. Moms on one side and Step-moms on the other side. I know there has been some talk of this in other threads BUT I think stepmothers are just as an important part of your kid's life as the mom is. Just because we did not give birth to them does not mean we don't do a great deal of loving, parenting, and providing for them. In my case I'm the only mother my DSD has ever known. Of course I love DSD as my own. In my opinion she IS my own. That does not mean that I don't recognize her mother or support their relationship. I really wish that her mom (I am completely uncomfortable calling her this but I feel the extreme need to be politically correct for some reason) and I could get along. I've tried and tried but I cannot force someone to like me or have good intentions. It's just getting old. I'm not a horrible person. I love this kid! I'm a full time stay at home mom for HER. It sucks that people think we should not be allowed to experience certain parts of these kid's lives just because we're not the original parent. I want to share it with her just as much as you do. Make love not war?? Maybe? Please?

I don't have children of my own. To even come close to suggesting that I may not love DSD as my own because I don't know what that feels like is incredibly hurtful! How dare you? The bond between a mother and a child may be different when you spend 9 months "growing" them. But I can guarantee that you don't have to birth the child OR birth any children in order to love a child as if they are your own. You don't speak for me OR for any other mother of any kind. IF you're a stepmother and you felt differently after birthing your children then fine. Please don't encourage others to believe that this is common practice. Adoptive mothers and a lot of stepmoms would most likely disagree. I know I do.

Why is it always like this?? "Oh you're JUST the stepmother." "You don't have kids of your own so you don't know what that kind of love is." "You're not her blood." I'm not saying everyone is this way but why are Bio moms, original moms, ex wives or whatever the heck you want to call yourself ALWAYS trying to knock me down one step?? I get it. I didn't give birth to her. I have not given birth to any kids at all. I GET IT! So that must make me less? I must love her less. I must not truly be her parent. Ouch.

It's almost as if you're insecure! You can't handle the fact that your children are around someone else..someone who might just be good for them? Someone who has good intentions and CAN love them regardless of genetics and other children. I am not a threat. I'm not here to tear you apart. I don't want to push you out of her life. Nothing about me is evil. Instead of being angry and put off by the stepmom maybe we could all just rejoice a little bit that now your child is going to be even MORE loved. ARGH!
post #44 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys View Post
It's almost as if you're insecure! You can't handle the fact that your children are around someone else..someone who might just be good for them? Someone who has good intentions and CAN love them regardless of genetics and other children. I am not a threat. I'm not here to tear you apart. I don't want to push you out of her life. Nothing about me is evil. Instead of being angry and put off by the stepmom maybe we could all just rejoice a little bit that now your child is going to be even MORE loved. ARGH!
Except..... it would seem quite a few of us aren't dealing with stepmoms like you. My two really are treated as second-class citizens. Actually, #1 is more like third class. They are not allowed to have anything personal in their rooms (which USED to be THEIR rooms) at their Dad's unless it matches the decor. Photos of me are not allowed. They are not to mention me at all. They are not to call me when there (and I'm not talking a weekend - try the whole summer). My youngest actually snuck to a neighbor's to call me so her Dad & stepmom wouldn't know and she wouldn't be punished. I'm sorry, but to me, this doesn't make my child MORE loved.

So I hope you can understand that many of us aren't jealous of you. We aren't insecure. We can't not handle another woman parenting our child. What we can't handle is someone - anyone - mistreating our child. What my two get isn't love. Sorry.
post #45 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys View Post
This type of stuff really bothers me. The more I think about it the more it starts to look like it's some type of war. Moms on one side and Step-moms on the other side. I know there has been some talk of this in other threads BUT I think stepmothers are just as an important part of your kid's life as the mom is. Just because we did not give birth to them does not mean we don't do a great deal of loving, parenting, and providing for them. In my case I'm the only mother my DSD has ever known. Of course I love DSD as my own. In my opinion she IS my own. That does not mean that I don't recognize her mother or support their relationship. I really wish that her mom (I am completely uncomfortable calling her this but I feel the extreme need to be politically correct for some reason) and I could get along. I've tried and tried but I cannot force someone to like me or have good intentions. It's just getting old. I'm not a horrible person. I love this kid! I'm a full time stay at home mom for HER. It sucks that people think we should not be allowed to experience certain parts of these kid's lives just because we're not the original parent. I want to share it with her just as much as you do. Make love not war?? Maybe? Please?

I don't have children of my own. To even come close to suggesting that I may not love DSD as my own because I don't know what that feels like is incredibly hurtful! How dare you? The bond between a mother and a child may be different when you spend 9 months "growing" them. But I can guarantee that you don't have to birth the child OR birth any children in order to love a child as if they are your own. You don't speak for me OR for any other mother of any kind. IF you're a stepmother and you felt differently after birthing your children then fine. Please don't encourage others to believe that this is common practice. Adoptive mothers and a lot of stepmoms would most likely disagree. I know I do.

Why is it always like this?? "Oh you're JUST the stepmother." "You don't have kids of your own so you don't know what that kind of love is." "You're not her blood." I'm not saying everyone is this way but why are Bio moms, original moms, ex wives or whatever the heck you want to call yourself ALWAYS trying to knock me down one step?? I get it. I didn't give birth to her. I have not given birth to any kids at all. I GET IT! So that must make me less? I must love her less. I must not truly be her parent. Ouch.

It's almost as if you're insecure! You can't handle the fact that your children are around someone else..someone who might just be good for them? Someone who has good intentions and CAN love them regardless of genetics and other children. I am not a threat. I'm not here to tear you apart. I don't want to push you out of her life. Nothing about me is evil. Instead of being angry and put off by the stepmom maybe we could all just rejoice a little bit that now your child is going to be even MORE loved. ARGH!
I know exactly how you feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Except..... it would seem quite a few of us aren't dealing with stepmoms like you. My two really are treated as second-class citizens. Actually, #1 is more like third class. They are not allowed to have anything personal in their rooms (which USED to be THEIR rooms) at their Dad's unless it matches the decor. Photos of me are not allowed. They are not to mention me at all. They are not to call me when there (and I'm not talking a weekend - try the whole summer). My youngest actually snuck to a neighbor's to call me so her Dad & stepmom wouldn't know and she wouldn't be punished. I'm sorry, but to me, this doesn't make my child MORE loved.

So I hope you can understand that many of us aren't jealous of you. We aren't insecure. We can't not handle another woman parenting our child. What we can't handle is someone - anyone - mistreating our child. What my two get isn't love. Sorry.
Your children's Stepmother has no right to call herself their Stepmother and your children's Father has no right to call himself their Dad. That's not love they're showing, that's just control they're after. I feel bad for your children and for you. But not all Stepmother's are like that and I, as a Stepmother resent Stepmothers like that because they make the rest of us look like crap.
post #46 of 52
Exactly, Harley. It sucks that there are women out there who are encouraging the wicked step mother stereotype. I know FARRRR more stepmothers who are like me than not. In fact, now that I think about it...I don't know any stepmothers who treat their stepchildren horribly or put them below their biological kids. None. And I easily know 10+ women in real life who are stepmoms.

As far as my husband's ex wife goes...she never even tried to like me. She took an immature, insecure, negative approach to me being around the very minute she found out. She'd even been gone for 2 years when I met DH and she'd had NO relationship with either him or DSD for those 2 years. I probably should have been more specific in my rant...it's not all moms that I'm speaking to..I was speaking to the moms that just don't like to "share" their kids. The moms that somehow always find a problem with the stepmom. I.E. She's too young...She has no kids of her own so she can't love my kids...she can't take care of my kids...She's not better than me...etc. Those are the moms that frustrate me.

mtiger - I apologize. You have every right to be concerned and up in arms about the situation your children are living in. I'm pretty sure that no judge would support your children not being able to talk to you ALL summer. That is ridiculous. You need to contact a lawyer and pursue getting some of the fine details set in place so you can maintain your place in your children's lives. It is incredibly unfair of BOTH the stepmom and the dad to force that on you and your children. I hope your situation improves quickly!

- Elizabeth
post #47 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys View Post
mtiger - I apologize. You have every right to be concerned and up in arms about the situation your children are living in. I'm pretty sure that no judge would support your children not being able to talk to you ALL summer. That is ridiculous. You need to contact a lawyer and pursue getting some of the fine details set in place so you can maintain your place in your children's lives. It is incredibly unfair of BOTH the stepmom and the dad to force that on you and your children. I hope your situation improves quickly!

- Elizabeth
Actually, it's not that bad at the moment. Dad pretty well lets them choose when/if they go to see him. The older one has spent.... hmmm.... 10 days since the start of the year there. The younger has been up a bit more. I do find it sad for all three of them, but at the end of the day..... it is what it is.

The summer phone thing was a couple of years ago, when they spent more time there. But honestly? The stage was set from the first day we met. They came together to get the kids, and I went out to say hello, introduce myself, etc. First thing she says to me is (and this is having spent 2 days w/the kids in total) "You know #1 is a very disturbed child. What are you doing about it?" (Uuuuuh, excuse me? You barely know this child.) But I got a half hour discourse on what was wrong with the kiddo.

Still and all, both of mine are old enough to have formed their own opinions. I've made a point to keep my mouth shut and allow them to do that - no one can accuse me of standing between them and their Dad/stepmom. Well.... I'm sure they could come up with something.

And I know not all stepmoms aren't like this. Just as all moms aren't terrible and evil, either.
post #48 of 52
Apropos of nothing, but after shopping for a dress for myself for a formal future-job-related function, I've come to the conclusion that not only can SD's mom do the prom/wedding dress shopping with SD herself, she can take any future biological children of mine for those same things, too.

Oh, and if she could find something for a 5'2" 32-year-old that's not $300 or overly revealing or like something my grandmother would wear, that would be great.

Carry on.
post #49 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Apropos of nothing, but after shopping for a dress for myself for a formal future-job-related function, I've come to the conclusion that not only can SD's mom do the prom/wedding dress shopping with SD herself, she can take any future biological children of mine for those same things, too.

Oh, and if she could find something for a 5'2" 32-year-old that's not $300 or overly revealing or like something my grandmother would wear, that would be great.

Carry on.
Any mom, step, biological, what have you can feel free to shop for my wedding dress for me as well.
post #50 of 52
About a week after my dd was born, I called my dh crying.

I was always the stepmom who said I loved my dss as much my own, until I had my own. As I gazed at my dear newborn daughter, I felt a type of love I never had experienced before.

I was crying because it felt so unfair to my stepsons to feel something different in my heart for my daughter than I did for them. I'm not saying this is everyone's experience, but it was mine.

I've come to accept that while I may love my dss as much as possible, it is a different type of love than I have for my daughter. I didn't know this until she was born. I didn't know a lot of things until she was born
post #51 of 52
I'm not saying that it isn't different. I've never given birth so I can't say for sure what it is. I cannot imagine loving DSD less, ever. Different, maybe. But not less. I don't think you should feel badly or ashamed..it is what it is BUT I really dislike others who say it WILL be this way for all step moms.

I'm adopted and I've talked with my adoptive mother about love and bonding. She has two children that are younger than me and are hers biologically. She said it was much harder to bond with me and that aspect of it was different. She says she loves each of us equally and not differently at all. She does feel that a lot of the differences and strain that she and I had came from the different sort of bonding.
post #52 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthly_Joys View Post
I'm not saying that it isn't different. I've never given birth so I can't say for sure what it is. I cannot imagine loving DSD less, ever. Different, maybe. But not less. I don't think you should feel badly or ashamed..it is what it is BUT I really dislike others who say it WILL be this way for all step moms.

I'm adopted and I've talked with my adoptive mother about love and bonding. She has two children that are younger than me and are hers biologically. She said it was much harder to bond with me and that aspect of it was different. She says she loves each of us equally and not differently at all. She does feel that a lot of the differences and strain that she and I had came from the different sort of bonding.
I understand, and it's great that you love your stepdaughter so much. That really shows.
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