Fiance not supportive of Homebirth.

[ishereal]

Ok where do I begin......... I am aiming for a homebirth i have gone to great lengths finding midwife support and a doula, he asked me if we had to pay for it out of pocket I said yes but not all at once I have spoken to a midwife and her fee is 1500.00, but you don't pay up front you can pay a little every month and the same for the doula her service is 800.00 I think but he won't be paying for it I am getting a job to do the things I want I start on October 1st and I only make 12.25/hr but it's enough to cover the birthing process. He says well what about the dcotor I said what about him, he said what's the point of having one I said there really is not because the midwife does prenatal care! He said "well we should talk to the doctor first", I don't understand why the doctor has to have the final say so he acts like the doctor is God, he says that we have this medical insurance and we are not going to be able to use it because of teh route I want to take........... I am so frustrated why can't he just be supportive and happy................... I have not even seen the actual doctor only his assistant and she told me that he does not deliver babies in the water you can only labor in water......... please send positive vibes why are people so "doctor knows all" brainwashed?????????????:

[zoebird]

honestly, i'm frustrated that i can't use my health insurance for the prenatal care that i want either!

but, beyond that, it takes a lot to overcome our social conditioning. from pure dollars and cents, some people would prefer what is "free" (via insurance) than forking out for something that might be "better" but is "optional." my MIL is like this. she said to me: "well, i believe that every woman has to choose what is right for her, but i think i would take the free care rather than money out of pocket." my 'free care' prefers that i have a c-section and i don't even have a confirmed pregnancy! LOL

you just explain why you want it, and tell him that when he gives birth, he's welcome to choose the way he wants it.

[JustJamie]

My husband's not supportive of a midwife/homebirth, either. Still working on it - esp since my daughter was born in a hospital, you'd think he'd remember all the crap we went through - but he only remembers that the doctor saved my life and my baby's life, not that the doctor was the one who jeopardized our lives in the first place!

It is hard to just pull the uterus card, though. It's so hard contemplating a homebirth without your partner's support...honestly, the thought of doing it without his support scares me to death!

OT, where in STL are you? I grew up in Mid-county, near the airport.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by JustJamie

My husband's not supportive of a midwife/homebirth, either. Still working on it - esp since my daughter was born in a hospital, you'd think he'd remember all the crap we went through - but he only remembers that the doctor saved my life and my baby's life, not that the doctor was the one who jeopardized our lives in the first place!

It is hard to just pull the uterus card, though. It's so hard contemplating a homebirth without your partner's support...honestly, the thought of doing it without his support scares me to death!

OT, where in STL are you? I grew up in Mid-county, near the airport.

South city!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[georgia]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! IME, resistance is generally based on fear. If he's a facts and figures kind of learner, the studies show homebirth to be as safe as and in many instances safer than institutional birth. I might approach the topic as your support is really important to me, and what *I* need for a good, safe birth is to birth at home. What can we do to help you feel more comfortable about homebirth? Meeting with the actual mw is often really, really helpful, too. Talking with other HBing families who have BTDT can often help put some weight behind what you're already saying. It helps to hear it from his peers (If you do a search in here for the Lewis Mehl hospital/hb study, it will knock your socks off as far as showing hospitals can be a dangerous place a baby....) Gotta run...best wishes

[chaoticzenmom]

1500 is worth having your own power in your birthing experience. Worth every penny and more. I don't know if I'd use the 800 doula if you really are strapped for money. I know they can be awesome, but if you don't have to assert yourself much with your midwife, then you'll be fine.

Let him read Ina Mae Gasking's guide to Natural Childbirth. I can't imagine ever, EVER, going back to a practitioner that "lets" me do anything.

Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)

[babe&baba]

We are having a homebirth with our 3rd due in January. My DH was hesitant but open at first and now he is all excited about our decision.

I'm not sure what kind of insurance you have but even with good insurance you still would have a larger bill to pay at the hospital than you will be paying for your midwife. My insurance with our first was 80/20 and we were billed around $3000.

Our midwife is $1800 and considering we don't have insurance this time around, don't qualify for state coverage and didn't want to pay $900 a month for private insurance it is a GREAT deal.

Maybe you can have him meet the midwife and ask questions. If you know others who have had a homebirth have him talk with them also.

Good Luck

Amy

[thefreckledmama]

Something you might want to bring up to your fiance (and check with your insurance company about), is that generally, even with health insurance, there is anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars in co-pays that you will still have to pay out even if you go with an OB and hospital birth.

[ishereal]

Thanks soooooo much ladies for all your support and advice I am looking now for the Ina May book.

[JustJamie]

A book I just ordered to read with my husband, and wanted to pass along the suggestion based on the reviews:

Born in the USA: How a Broken Maternity System Must Be Fixed to Put Women and Children First

[1Plus2]

My DBF was very pro-natural birth but wasn't hip to the homebirth idea. We saw Ina May speak at the LLL conference in Chicago and he was sold. I have also given him some studies that he read that helped confirm things for him.

[homewithtwinsmama]

No vagina, no vote. : End of story! I had client who accommodated her husband's fears/wishes right into a cesarean the first time, had massive infection, additional surgery, lost her fertility forever and has to have IVF to get pregnant now. : She told him if he wanted any more babies he could just keep his mouth shut this time. Had a lovely home vbac in January and her husband kept his mouth shut as promised.

[domestic_goddess]

My husband was a little squidgy about homebirth as well. My first was in the hospital - horrific experience that luckily did not end in a c-section, but close enough for me. My second, in a birth center with a midwife and midwife-in-training. With this pregnancy, I really was keen on the homebirth idea, but it wasn't going to fly with him. Well, at 35 weeks, we were forced to choose to switch to an OB or do a homebirth - for a completely ridiculous reason that I won't go into here. We chose homebirth. I found articles right on Mothering's website - stories written from a father's perspective - that really helped convince him. And frankly, he just wants me to be happy about this.

Give him time. And doctors do not know all. The articles I read in Mothering have gone a long way in convincing my family that there are better ways to give birth.

[sasha44]

My DH was not on board at the outset, either. And I wanted to have his full support, whatever we decided to do.

What ended up turning the tides for us was having a birth consultation with a doula who's previous career (for 25 years) was as a high-risk obstetrical nurse. Her theory based on personal observation was that most complications during normal pregnancies were a direct result of interventions. She was really informative about the statistics of the hospital where we would have delivered - the unusually high c-section rates and other information that she gave us was just astounding!

Long story short, after this consultation, DH started doing research on his own about homebirthing, and now is not just fully supportive of my decision, but advocates the idea to our friends and anyone who asks.

My point is, ask him to do some of his own research, and let him know how important this is to you. If its about the money, we spend $$ on frivolous things - like a couch or shoes or clothes, or whatever, without giving it a 2nd thought. You are only going to have one opportunity for this birth. You should be able to do it your way.

[ZoeyZoo]

My DH was against a HB at the beginning too. He knows I research everything to death and that I really feel this is the safest thing to do for me and the baby. He knows this and since I feel so strongly about it and can back it up with research he has come around. Luckily, my DH thinks doctors are quacks who can't diagnose anything and only know how to write scripts. That made it easier for me to convince him that doctors don't always know best.

I bought my DH a book call A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer. She is a medical researcher and approaches the routine interventions from a medical perspectice using research and studies to show how most of the time they put the mom or baby at risk and are used too often. DH now has a better understanding why I feel so strongly about NCB, avoiding interventions, HB and using a midwife.

I also plan on taking him to Bradley classes since he is pretty clueless about childbirth. It has the reputation of turning fathers into NCB believers. That may be something to look into too if you can afford it.

[mothragirl]

bring him with you to meet some MWs. men seem to like to hear things from professionals.
OT- i looked at your pics on myspace, you guys are sooo pretty, your kid is going to be gorgeous!

[mrskennedy]

Your fiance doesn't have to give birth. You do! So do whatever you need to in order to get the birth you want. And try to gain his support. But also work on yourself so you can still have a homebirth if he isn't supportive and/or isn't there. It's hard! But it would be better than resenting him for a "free"--cost wise--hospital birth that gives you emotional trouble, etc.