just plain giving up

[savvybabygrace]

i can't do this anymore. that seems like my mantra lately. i. just. can't. do. this.

this being:
*taking care of 2 babes under 2 years old alone for 11 hours a day 4 days a week.
*dealing with my toddler's erratic bedtime, which includes up to 2 hours of yelling/telling/begging her to GO. TO. SLEEP!
*feeling hopeless
*feeling dirty and disgusting (i tore my labia badly and it was not repaired correctly, and i am so alienated from my own body that i can't stand to touch it, even in the shower, without feeling like i will throw up).
*dealing with my MIL coming tomorrow - she told me that my PPD with dd#1 was the result of "not being right with Jesus".
*dealing with my entire family, who promised to help if i the PPD came back with this daughter...and now that it has, no one is willing to help. not even when they know that i'm having a horrible time.

do i need to spell it out to them? i am drowning here. my mother, whom i love dearly and who means well, told me to get on zoloft immediately and buy formula to use in emergencies. both of which i'm not willing to do right now (well, the formula never, the zoloft perhaps).

*sigh*

i just feel like giving up. like admitting myself somewhere, because the intrusive thoughts i'm having about myself are getting worse. i feel like i need to cancel MIL's trip, have DH quit his job, and run away...but of course i could never really leave my sweet babies.

but...oh god, how to even explain this? i'm drowning here....

just needing to vent, really....thanks for listening.

[gretasmommy]

No advice, just support in this low time for you. Are there friends you could call for a break from time to time?

[savvybabygrace]

Originally Posted by gretasmommy

No advice, just support in this low time for you. Are there friends you could call for a break from time to time?

yes, thankfully i have a really great group of girlfriends who all have kids my daughter's ages...unfortunately, because they all have really young kids too they are hard pressed for too much time.
but you're right...i should take advantage of their offers more. thanks for the support.

[kittywitty]

My oldest dc are 13 months apart. It can be so overwhelming.

Have you tried setting up a different bedtime routine for your toddler? Maybe a back rub, bath, book and song?

Can you get counseling with your insurance? Zoloft can really help, and you don't need to switch to formula when using it. I would honestly just avoid family, if possible, since they are obviously not helping.

[hellyaellen]

mama

sorry you are having such a rough time right now. please vent here whenever you need to. we're here for you. i don't have much advice for you right now but if you're considering medication I can check the breastfeeding compatability for you at work.

[Flower of Bliss]

[timneh_mom]

You sound like you are feeling SO overwhelmed... I second the offers of help, even if you can get away to do your grocery shopping alone or anything! My DH is gone 11 hours a day too and that's a LONG day... the end of the day is always the worst for me.

Couldn't read this and not respond.

[nummies]

[mom0810]

I agree with everyone and want to offer support. Zoloft would be a great idea, so would visiting a therapist, even if it's just to have someone objective to talk to. It helps SO much. Please please make a call today and get in to talk to someone and hopefully even get in for a script. You do NOT have to wean and formula does not even have to enter the picture.

I am expecting #2 in Nov. and have a 21 month old. I am afraid for how I am going to feel with two so close together so I can relate.

Best wishes for you and I really hope you feel better soon. The medication can really help.

[Treasuremapper]

My children are 22 months apart, and I almost went nuts during the entire first year. Sadly, I had to throw a fit with dh to get any meaningful, consistent help. Other family was totally unhelpful in every possible way, in fact, they were the opposite of helpful.

I really, really feel for you. Your babies are less than 20 months apart, right?

I did not have PPD, but I had overwhelming anxiety because of my second dd's birth defect and surgery and complications. So I guess it's sort of similar. Honestly, there were days that if my kids screamed or cried one more time I felt that I would run out of the house screaming and crying myself.

I do have advice learned from the trenches -- do you want some? I can also just give support. You choice -- there is nothing like unsolicited advice to be especially annoying, so I won't offer any advice unless you want advice.

I promise that at some point, maybe two years or so from now, you will look back and be amazed that you were able to do what you are doing now. This is going to get easier and easier every single day. Feel free to PM me or post to this thread.

s:

[savvybabygrace]

thank you so much for the support, everyone...it really means a *lot* in this time.
i see a doc. tomorrow for a referral and most likely a prescription for zoloft. i know i don't have to wean - i bf my dd#1 exclusively while on it. i'm just...you're right...SO overwhelmed.

kind of lost it this morning...really not doing well. panic attacks, had hubby take his mother to my mother's house and i'm not sure if i have the strength to get over there today - it's a very stressful household with my dear nephew and sister living here, both of whom have serious problems (nephew with sensory integration and ADHD, sister with severe OCD that drives everyone nuts). nephew is like a son to me and like a brother to my dd#1, but they fight like siblings and it's too too much. couple that with MIL who i am so intimidated by and you get a VERY overwhelming, stressful situation for me.

had so much anxiety this morning, couldn't breathe, ended up in the shower with my clothes still on just sitting there crying and hyperventilating, not wanting my emma to hear me because she picks up on everything and gets upset when i cry...which today has been all day long.

i know i need help, i'm getting help, i'm just at the lowest low point possible right now. if not for my sweet girls i don't think i would last much longer.

anyway...thank you so much for the support. can i lean on you all a little longer, until i get through this? no one in my real life understands or has been here before - advice, suggestions are always welcome by you who have been here (treasuremapper, go ahead!). having gone through this before with dd#1, i was on zoloft but weaned when i found out i was pregnant with dd#2 (a HUGE surprise), and i was fine during pregnancy. i always say that if i could take a pill full off all the pregnancy hormones i would because i've never been as stable and happy as i am when i'm pregnant!!!! the zoloft seemed to work well, i just wish that i could be normal and not have to go through this rollercoaster of pregnancy, PPD, pregnancy, PPD any longer. and i really wish i could be one of those people who doesn't go through PPD or need drugs to make everything okay again. i've been trying chiro twice a week with cranial sacral, omega-3's, B6....i'm trying every avenue and now am in search of a good therapist...i guess i'll add zoloft to the mix and we'll see what happens.

thanks again....it's so nice to know that there are others who have been here/are here now.

[MommytoTwo]

First of all, cancel MIL. She will deal with it and if she doesnt too bad. Your first priority is your mental health and your childrens well being. Second, can your DH take a few vacation days to help out? Is there anyone who can babysit so you can get a haircut, go sit and have a cup of coffee, go to the dr to maybe talk about surgery to repair your injury and/or medication for PPD?
Hang in there.

[timneh_mom]

Just checking back in, hope you are feeling better soon, Mama. Being a mom can be SO hard, it's just the hardest thing I've ever been through. I've heard people say it but now I know why! I have my overwhelming days, they aren't anything like yours, I don't have other kids around but I am alone a lot of the time with them. Wish we lived closer, I could come over with my crazies so you could take a shower in peace at least!

[Treasuremapper]

Ok, here is my advice -- of course, and this is obvious but always bears repeating -- take what you need and leave the rest. This is what would work for me, based on my past experience. Reading your post actually makes me wonder if part of my anxiety was related to PPD, but the situation was so freaking bad that I think it was related to a bonafide fear my baby could die (her condition had a 30% mortality rate) but I'm not sure, it could have been exacerbated by hormonal stuff.

Anyway, here is my advice:

1. Family members who made me feel that I was responsible for meeting their emotional needs, that I had to be nice and play a role, or who were toxic in any way -- I had to cut them loose temporarily. Were they upset? Heck yes, they were furious -- these were toxic people who were draining me, shaming me, and so forth. But I just cut them off. So, in your case, with the MIL, I would just tell dh that's it, she cannot stay at your house, and you are not going to do that DIL role any more until you want to. You do not have to meet their emotional needs right now, you have to take of yourself and your babies.

2. I think the meds are a great idea. I wish I had done that.

3. Go for convenience. That's what convenience foods are for. A lot of my issues had to do with my NFL values and other perfectionism, and, in a short term way, I had to let that go. Whereas with one child, I used to cook brown rice, tofu and kale for dinner, served with cloth napkins, when I had two under two I served frozen Mac and cheese on paper plates with paper napkins in front of a Sesame Street video. And ya know what, that's really all I could handle, and even with that low standard I had kids crying as I ripped open the cardboard container and stuck it in the microwave.

I actually used cloth diapers for six months, and one day, as I was spraying a diaper with a little hose, and both kids were sobbing outside the bathroom door, I thought "what's the point of doing this???" and there was no point. I went sposie after that, and I dumped the guilt.

If you have uber-crunchy friends with a SAHM with one five year old girl in kindergarten who say things like "Oh, I would never _______ like you do. I believe that a child should ________ -- you need to ________." (but never offering to help) ask yourself if you really want to hang around people like that. If you do, and you feel strong enough to laugh it off, then go ahead. But for me, I didn't really start regaining my sanity until I realized that I was spending too much time focusing on whether or not they liked and approved of me and thought I was a good NFL/AP mother , and not enough time thinking about whether or not I liked and approved of myself. I'm afraid I distanced myself from as many folks like that as possible.


4. This is a crisis. If you have the money in savings or somewhere else, see about hiring real help to clean and help you out. I always prefer to hire the help so that I didn't have to hear sanctimonious unsolicited advice, but I started to get a chip on my shoulder after a while. If you hire someone and realize you made a mistake -- just fire them with any excuse, but do it right away and don't feel guilty. Even if it is a friend (I had to do this once, but I was so desperate I just fired her and didn't look back).

5. Insist that dh pick up his share of the day to day workload. Sending his mother in does NOT count.

6. If it is not urgent, let it go. If the house is the worst pigsty you have ever seen in your life, oh well. This goes back to convenience. Just surrender to the chaos, because this is chaos. Once I was able to stop worrying about what other people would think I felt much more relaxed). If dh gives you any lip about this, tell him to clean all night while you are up with the babies all night. If you are using paper plates and convenience foods and sposies that will go a long way towards reducing the day to day workload.

7. Don't leave the baby and your toddler alone, even for a few minutes, unless the baby and toddler cannot have any physical contact. It's too dangerous. Consider buying a playpen or taking the laundry out of the crib to put the toddler there to make sure the baby doesn't get injured. I'm not suggesting long term use of a playpen, obviously, I'm too much of an AP zealot for that. But there were times that I had to go answer the door, or pour boiling water, or something, where kids had to be put down and I could not trust the older toddler not to injure the baby (since she tried to do it all the time). At those times, knowing that you have a safe place for one of them for a few minutes is essential.

This will pass, it will get better and better. By the time your youngest is four, it's going to be so incredibly easy you will have trouble even believing how easy it is compared to the beginning.

My main point is this: forget what other people think, and do whatever you have to do to survive and take care of your babies. Even if you do something non-NFL, like put your kids in front of a Sesame Street DVD or feed them something with the wrong kind of organic cheese, or use paper plates, just let all of that stuff go. You can be a friend of the earth again in a few months.

s:

[mom0810]

Good for you! So happy you are taking the next step.

[timneh_mom]

Treasuremapper!!! Wow, that was an AWESOME post!!! I was sick all summer, I had strep throat twice in the spring, then got mono. I shelved the cloth, didn't clean, hardly cooked, basically I made sure both kids were safe, fed, dry and I tried to shower and feed myself. That was about all I could handle. When you're in survival mode, it's not the time for idealism. (I got sick due to not getting nearly enough sleep/rest, so having mono FORCED me to rest, well, as much as possible, because I physically couldn't do much.)

I too am waiting for it to get easier, people tell me it will, so I hope they are right.

[Treasuremapper]

Thank you, Liz, I hope so much that you have a swift recovery. I truly hesitated to post it, though I have posted similar things in the past. Of course, it is likely that OP is long over the things that threw me for a serious loop at first. It was sad how very few people actually pitched in and helped me, and to those very few true adults I will always be grateful.

Hugs to you, OP. Please let us know how you are doing.

[punkrawkmama27]

No advice here either, just a big hug! I went through it with 3 babies. And each time family said give up nursing get on meds. Let me know if you need to talk, I am here!

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by timneh_mom

Treasuremapper!!! Wow, that was an AWESOME post!!! [...] I too am waiting for it to get easier, people tell me it will, so I hope they are right.

Hugs to all the struggling Mamas. Wow, there's some great wisdom and support on this thread. I so agree about giving up perfectionistic standards and just wading through the year-or two-while you survive. The kids will survive, they're resilient.

savvybabygrace I'm so glad to read you are taking steps to get some help. I recently started an anti-dep. after 17 yrs of doing self-care and supplement stuff, but after having a child that stuff just stopped being good enough. Help yourself as you need, you would want a friend who was suffering, or your own child, to get help too, no? You matter too, and your needs matter, you deserve the help you need.

Where is dh in all this? Working tons, obviously. Is he any support or at least understanding?

Hang in there, it will get better. This state is temporary, it will pass. You have some experience with PPD and have knowledge of what has worked in the past.

[Tanzie]

i really hope things are getting better for you dear...i was just wanting to check in and see how you were feeling now,i am sorry i dont have anything to tell you i am just here for support and any time you need to talk about anything please let me know!