Hey girls. I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I'm trying to come to terms with what is happening. This is a bit long, but perhaps important to tell....
My beta HCG yesterday was 30. It was 36 last Wed. and 36 last Friday. I have been trying to hold out hope that my little one was just getting a slow start, but I guess that is not the case.
I am in shock. I have never been more positive, more certain that I was going to be holding this baby. I truly truly believed that I would be holding this baby in my arms in June.I did everything right - didn't stress, ate extremely well, etc. etc. The doctor does not think it is chromosomal because we have a healthy daughter and no family history of genetic anomalies.
So something is wrong with me. Or I am being punished. Or I am not meant to have another biological child (God must know that my heart has always been open to adoption. It is just that we have no money to adopt and DH doesn't want to anyway). At our request, they are testing me for Lupus (my sister has it, my mother is borderline), perinatal thyroid dysfunction, and a bunch of other stuff. I had a suite of bloodwork done before TTC and everything was normal, but some of this stuff only shows up when you are pregnant.
And I am angry. I called my OB after the last miscarriage and told her that I had a hunch something was wrong (my periods have always been too short and light, my daughter was intra-uterine growth restricted and premature, I have been losing weight despite eating non-stop, etc). In particular, I wanted my progesterone levels checked. She chuckled and told me she thought I was fine - without even looking. To think that I could have saved this baby if she had done some tests....
On Friday, when we found out that my HCG levels had plateaued, I walked into her office and demanded that she test my progesterone. She said it wouldn't do any good, but I got her to agree to at least give me the medicine anyway. She prescribed it at a once daily dosage, so that is how often I took it. This weekend, I noticed that package insert said to take it 2 -3 times a day! And to think that my HCG levels have been hovering around the same value for 5 days now!! The last time I miscarried my levels dropped all the way to ZERO in 5 days! So maybe the little bit of progesterone that I have been taking has been just enough to barely sustain the embryo. What could have been the effect of taking it at the recommended dosage? Could my baby have been saved? They are telling me it won't do any good to continue taking it. But making the decision not to take it is like making to decision to let my baby die. And I promised, promised that I would nourish this little one. Every day I talked to it and told it it was safe, and that I would take care of it. And now I have to let it die. As a mother, how can I make that decision?
As much as I would like to have faith, I will admit that I do not know what to believe in. (I hope that I don't offend anyone here, but I feel that I can speak openly with you all who have been so supportive.) I feel there must be some higher power of some sort, but I am also a scientist so I tend to be a bit in need of proof (and with faith you should require none). Nevertheless, I pray daily, even if I am not sure who I am praying to, and I am open to anything. Every day I give thanks for my many, many blessings. And when we began this process of TTC, I asked that God make it clear to me what he/she/it wants. I thought maybe the first miscarriage was to help me appreciate my child and pregnancy even more (and I am seriously one of the most grateful people - so much so that I am terrified of losing my loved ones. I've always been this way). But that doesn't explain this miscarriage. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. And it could be so much worse too. But every time I miscarry, a little bit of me dies as well. So, I think it is perfectly clear now. I guess I should take a hint.
Now I am going to take my bad vibes and leave you all. There is so much joy and celebration in this forum that I hate to taint it. I wish you all the best of luck - may you all have happy pregnancies and healthy babies in your arms in June.