Were you dissapointed with your midwife? - Page 2

[mothragirl]

there were a lot of surprises during my last labor and birth. i'm still mad about some of it.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

You're not alone. My 1st birth was a hospital waterbirth with a midwife. I chose the most NCB-friendly group of midwives in my state. I wanted a homebirth, but planned on staying home instead of returning to work and insurance didn't pay for it (MY MISTAKE). The hospital claims to be like a homebirth, just at a hospital. There is no such thing, I know now. Many things happened during my birth that I would not have chosen.

My 2nd birth was a UC. Too bad I didn't do it that way the first time. Much better.

I'm sorry your birth wasn't all you'd hoped for. There is NO EXCUSE for refusing to take her hand out of you, or coercing you into interventions you didn't want. Inexcusable.

[pamamidwife]

Please, please, PLEASE write this midwife a letter about your feelings.

As a provider, I worry that there are people out there that are not telling me how they felt about my involvement with their birth. Hearing feedback only makes me a better midwife - something that will keep the same thing from happening to another woman.

[Momma Aimee]

Please, please, PLEASE write this midwife a letter about your feelings.

As a provider, I worry that there are people out there that are not telling me how they felt about my involvement with their birth. Hearing feedback only makes me a better midwife - something that will keep the same thing from happening to another woman.

but do you really think the MW in to PP would care -- she obviously didn't list at the birth when the mom was telling her to stop touching her, or in the pre-natals ..... so isn't it more likly she'll just blow off the letter too?

[accountclosed3]

i think that feedback is important, but it has to be done in an appropriate way. it might be helpful to draft multiple letters, and try to get it all on a single page. if she's really open to the information, she'll contact you one way or another.

[sea_joy]

Originally Posted by bryonyvaughn

Bolding mine.



I agree with Goatriffic's observation but disagree with the recommendation. I think the letter should go to the MW's credentialing board. The MW clearly was intentionally deceiving all her clients who visited her website as well as all those she spoke to about her babies being born at the BC. There's no reason whatsoever to assume this MW only behaved in unethical, unprofessional, deceitful, and illegal ways solely with this particular client. If we as consumers of midwifery services do nothing to stop such abusive actions toward women we are enabling the abusers and perpetuating the system that victimized us. I consider it our moral obligation to the community to speak out the alarm. If we do nothing in response I believe rather grimly we retroactively deserved the mistreatment we got.

~BV

This is interesting. I have spoken to a woman who said that 3 of her friends has bad experiences with this particular midwife. I will consider it, but if I do send a letter to her board, I will also send a letter to her telling her that I am doing so. I would also like to speak to the other mothers with bad experiences with her.

As one poster said about "sometimes we have colds" but the MW had a partner who had expressed a wish to come to our birth, and I had expressed that I preffered her. A laboring mother and a newborn baby are not places where you can justify having a cold. She is going to touch you internally (with gloves, but still) and she is going to touch and breathe on your new born baby WITHOUT gloves.

If my baby had gotten a cold from her I would have been livid. Absolutely raving with anger. She has a responsibility to my health and her partner was more than willing to come to my birth. Her ego was attatched to coming to my birth because it was on an Island that she used to live on, she wanted to say that she had done it, so she chose to come despite the fact that she has a partner for situations when she is too tired/sick or faced with an emergeny and cannot attend a birth with the health, attention and standard of care that she promised.

-Crystal

On the washington tribe there was a thred about finding a MW in Seattle, and that's how all this came up. There were several posters who had very good things to say about her, and thier babies were born 5-7 years ago. One woman had a birth that the MW had attended three days before mine and said that she mostly just stayed out of the way and that there "wasn't much for her to do". I resited the urge to ask this woman if she gave birth on a birthing stool, an had her waters broken, or is she was given any homeopathics to speed things up.

What you said about writing a letter to a higher authority is sticking in my head, mostly about how she violated the "midwifery model of care" that she was always touting around like a badge. How many women need to have bad experiences with MW's before they decide that an OB is just the same?

Midwifery in it's core is an amazing thing. It is recognizing the blessing of birth, the sacredness of the Mother and the miracle of a new life. In my opinion, if you start to adress it as a "job", much like painting a house, you are not being a good midwife, what women are looking for in a midwife. Someone responsible and caring, someone who has trust in you and who can direct things with a gentle hand if necissary.

Maybe it's a tall order, but I believe it can be done.
-Crystal

P.S, I understand that being a Midwife is work. It is your job, and you get tired. However, I believe it is a job (if you are doing it for a living) and I understand not being perfect, I also understand that personality is a factor as well.

Being a Mother is also work, it's a lot of toil, a lot of repitition, and you have to do it no matter what. However, like being a midwife, you know that when you go into it, and if you didn't, you find out soon enough.
However, if you hit your kids, or abuse them in some way, it's not a "bad fit", it's bad parenting. You did wrong, and you shoul make every effort not to do it again. And unlike being a Parent, you CAN stop being a Midwife if you find that you can no longer provide to people what they deserve.

[pamamidwife]

I've attended births with colds. I wash my hands often. The baby is NOT likely to get a cold (thank goodness for those rich antibodies present in colostrum and breastmilk!).

I'm curious about the whole reporting her based on the fact that she didn't birth her children. Between my partner and I, we have three children - only one came from my body. But I refer to all three as "my daughters". I wouldn't think that someone discovering this could be grounds for reporting me to a licensing board.

Yet I do feel like the holding back of anterior lips is quite unnecessary in nearly all births (though in one brow presentation it seemed to work well to keep the cervix from receding a third time). What makes it even more difficult is that YOU told her to stop and this was not granted. To me, that's the true travesty about this scenario.

Colds, the birth mother of children, being tired....these are things we all face as midwives. However, how we present this to our clients (like somehow you're a burden because she's had two births prior without much rest) is important.

I don't know that reporting her is the first course of action, but writing a letter and if you don't get a response, I'd consider sending a letter / complaint to the board, but only about the sexual assault issue (her not removing her hand when you told her to) and the forcibly removing you from the tub - against your will without reason.

[pamamidwife]

Originally Posted by Momma Aimee

but do you really think the MW in to PP would care -- she obviously didn't list at the birth when the mom was telling her to stop touching her, or in the pre-natals ..... so isn't it more likly she'll just blow off the letter too?

Even if she doesn't respond, the OP can ask for a meeting face to face. If the mw doesn't react to this, then I'd say it's about HER and she recognizes that she is at fault. Most people, when defensive, won't come face to face with those they've hurt.

To me, the fact that she may or may not respond doesn't matter. This woman deserves to have her feelings conveyed to the midwife. And no matter how callous this mw is, a seed will be planted and she WILL think about it.

[sea_joy]

I agree

I completely agree. I would not report her because she hasn't birhted children, in fact, that was never a problem with me. However, she did IMPLY that she had birthed her children, which leads me to conclude that she believes women would prefer a MW who has given birth herself. It's a non-issue for me. Lying isn't cool though.

The only thing I would feel warrated a letter to her superiors would be her refusal to respect my personal space, and also her consistant pressuring me to get out of the birth tub, even ignoring me and telling my Mother and DH that they "had" to "pull" me out of the tub now.

In all honesty, I don't think I will write a certifying board, but I will send a copy of the letter I send to her to her partner.

And IMO, it's not cool to attend a birth being sick. In fact, the Mw herself (during prenatals) mentioned to me that SHE considered it irresponsible to attand a birth while being sick. My birth was not a more routine one in their area. They both considered it a birth of extenuating circumstances where whoever was more "up to it" would attend. Like I said, the MW who came had her Ego attatched, and we all knew that the other woman was willing to attend, and would have happily done so.

By the way, I woud never ask for a meeting face to face. I would feel traumatized and like I had to defend myself. Also, I would have to wait until I am back in Wa, then I would have to drive a few hours to get from where we live to Seattle. A red flag I should have recognized was when she told me that she didn't want to come to my house for a home visit because it was "too far away". And yet my Dh and I drove down to see her MANY times, including when I was nauseaus, uncomfortable and super pregnant. I don't think she would have felt as bad as I did having to drive all that way.

-Crystal

[pamamidwife]

, Crystal. I'm so sorry you went through this.

[sea_joy]

Thanks

Thanks to everyone for the support. It took me eight months to say out loud what happened and how I felt about it. I am going to write her and her partner a letter, although I will request that they contact me through e-mail and not the telephone. (Actually, they don't have my new phone number, I'll just give them my e-mail).

The worst thing is, I love the partner. I mean, I genuinely love her as a person and she is everything I would want in a midwife. Now I'll never be able to work with her.:

I'm really excited about being pregnant again, though (we're not sure if I am or not, but if not this year, then next year we will try). I feel really well equipped to find a MW who understands what I believe a MW to be.

-Crystal

[thebarkingbird]

i had a horrible experience with my midwives and found it incredibly healing to visit with them face to face when i went to pick up my reccords and calmly tell them exactly why i was upset. i told them that i fealt betrayed and pointed out inconsistinceis between theri reccords and what they said to me. i closed by saying i was sorry that it didn't work out i "got" their perspective and it was sad that i would no longer be able to give them good word of mouth with other birthing mothers in the area. i have not spoken to them since and after confronting them i have not cried again over anything related to their care.

things started off well. i was open with them about the complications that arose during my son's birth due to psych meds i'd been perscribed. i told them i had been unmedicated for 2 years and had been healthy and stable. they asked that i seek therapy. not wanting to go to the hospital, i complied. things got rough at home for a bit and i did something i hadn't done it years, scratched up my arms. i told them about it at a prenatal visit and discussed it and my experience of PPD with them at length, telling them that i hoped a different kind of birth experience might help me avoid the PPD (DS#1 was in the NICU and our nursing relationship was very dammaged) i discussed my plans for care in case of PPD and spoke to them about my therapist and psychologists suggestion that i take some days to rest, not be medicated and that the scratches were not a huge deal. that they were not an attempt to truly harm anything and that i just needed a few extra sessions to help me deal with a specific stressor. the midwives said that women like me needed their compassion and care more than any other. they said "we're not going to abandon you."

a week later i got a phone call saying they were terminating my services because i had a "major psychiatric illness" which required medication (she said she disagreed w/ my psych). she told DH that it was a "pregnancy complication" and that it would be like delivering a breech baby. i needed to see a high risk doctor. and that i was free to go to the charity hospital to have my baby as there were no other MW's around and DH and i don't have insurance. we paid them hundreds of dollars they planned to keep. i was 26 weeks pregnant. when i picked up my records i found out they'd decided the day i went in w/ scratches to transfer my care to the backup doctor and hadn't called me untilt he day before my next scheduled appointment. i cried for hours in fear of the hospital. finally we got medicaid and i won't have to deal w/ charity again.

my advice would be to request a meeting. i would write a letter to the board about her refusing to remove her hands from you and such. i wouldn't make too big a deal about her misleading you about her children's biological origins. it would come off as sounding mean and petty and there are enough clear cut mistakes and uncool things in your story to drive a point home.

[pamamidwife]

I have to say this: if you get a face to face meeting, it is SO good to have a mediator there. the mediator can keep things from venturing off, getting personal, and also help each other validate experiences.

[Shell_Ell]

I was very disapointed with my main midwife with my first DS. I would even go so far to say I feel betrayed and at the time felt very bullied. I don't think I'll ever "get over" that experience. I was young, niave, and so willing to trust. She really took advantage of that.

All midwives are not created equal. All out of hospital births are not "better" than hospital births. I learned that the hard way.

Thankfully with our second DS, I found a midwife I absolutely adored. The experience was amazing.

[sea_joy]

Hm.

I don't think I'll be going for a face to face meeting with her. Fir some people, when you go through a traumatic experience, the person who caused it can be a trigger for making you feel like you are in that situation again. I'm afarid that I would shut down during the meeting, probably apologize for whatever she blamed on me, and end up crying and angry in the car.

It's not necissarily what WOULD happe, but it's a a fear. Also, when I go back to Wa, I only have a month to spend with relatives who are just nuts for my baby, I would rather spend time with them before I have to go back to New Mexico. It's a logistical thing more than anything else, it's a lot of money and time for me to go to the city.

I hope my letters are recieved well. I don't want the MW to feel like it's personal, because really it's not a personality thing. I feel like a lot more would be accomplished through sending another letter to her partner than to a certification board. However small it is to point out that I felt mislead by her implications about having birthed children, I will point out to her that the website is misleading, however unintentional it may have been.

Mostly she was sick, unhappy, pushy, interventionist and disrespectful. Plus, something I can't really say is a fact, the energy was all wrong. I was 7 Cm when she showed up and I was just then unable to walk around, play board games and be "present", it was 12 hours after then that I had the baby. I think a lot of it had to do with the MW.

-Crystal

[AugustLia23]

Yes I was disappointed in in midwife for my frist birth, I am so happy that I decided to stop midwifery care with my 2nd pregnancy/birth. Choosing to UC was the best decision I have ever made. It's very conflicting coming from a practitioner, because there are limitations, but as a pregnant/laboring woman, I want to be in control of my outcome.

[sea_joy]

What do you mean?

Originally Posted by AugustLia23

It's very conflicting coming from a practitioner, because there are limitations, but as a pregnant/laboring woman, I want to be in control of my outcome.

What do you mean by this? What do you consider the limitations of having a practitioner? I am wonderign because I am seriously considering the idea of not having an attendant next time.

I feel that if I interview all (or as many as necissary) the midwives in my area and none of them are excellent, then I will give my DH my big stack of Midwifery books and tell him to read up. Not that he would be the attendant, we would be doing it together, but I would want us both to know the same information.

Do you think one of the limitations of having an attendant is the feeling that they are somehow and "authority'? I know the lessons we learned as childern in terms of Doctors, Teachers, Parents Ect, really deeply affect us, and maybe when you're in that fragile state of mind and someone has the energy of an "authority" (even a really cool, gentle one) it could have detrimental effects?

I read once that (who's the Frenchman, with the waterbirth?) Say that he found Women Labored best alone, in the dark (not pitch black, but dim), with some water. This sounds REALLY good to me.

-Crystal

[sunnmama]

I was very disappointed in my midwife, and ended up transferring back to my ob (the ob who attended my dd's birth) at 24 wks. I didn't have much choice, really, because my midwife said she was "uncomfortable" attending my birth in her facility (or in my home) because of the results of a 20 wk ultrasound (and, yes, she recommends a 20 wk ultrasound) unless I had a level 2 ultrasound with a perinatologist.

Without going into all the details of the ultrasound, the main problem was this: the midwife likes this medical testing, but then does not fully understand the results. She interpreted them in the most damning possible way, and then decided I needed a level 2 ultrasound. Also, and worse, she admitted she had never seen one of the results "worded that way" (although she insisted she knew what it was/meant), and recommended that I plug the results into Google for more information :. That was such horrid advice.....3 days and no eating or sleep later, and I am bawling in front of the computer reading stories of stillborn babies : When I finally called the radiologist directly, at 7:30 am after being up most of the night on the internet, the radiologist immediately put my mind at ease.....said it was most likely an artifact, watched the ultrasound in real time with me on the phone, and said he saw no reason to be very worried based on the ultrasound. And recommended I find a new provider :

I did transfer back to my ob. He looked at the same report and said, "Eh, we'll recheck the ultrasound in another month". We did, and everything was fine. The one result (a common, often false-negative soft marker for Down Syndrome) had resolved, as it commonly does. The other result had, indeed, been an artifact, as there was nothing there at all. And now my beautiful, healthy baby boy (hospital born) is pulling clothing off my drying rack as I type

I think I should write a letter to my midwife, especially about the internet advice. That was really horrid advice. If she had never seen it "worded that way before", she should have called the radiologist for clarification before trying to explain the results to me.

[Momma Aimee]

or are the limits you are talking about -- legal and "personal" -- it they are another humna there who can only guess what you are feeling and expereince, but not really know. they have to worry about liabality at some point, they have their own bias and expectations..... and so on .....

[sea_joy]

Here's my letter to her

Here is my letter to my Midwife, it's just a first draft. DO you think anything should be changed?


Dear Ali,

I apologize for not responding to your “response form” that the Birth center sent to me after Maeve was born, I did not feel that I was able to sort out my feelings about my birth yet, and I wanted to feel very settled and clear headed before I wrote to you.

When talking about my birth experience, I feel bland inside I find myself saying what I hear a lot of c-section Mamas saying, “All that matters is that the baby was healthy”. . I know that there were a lot of factors involved, including my Mother, who I feel was pushy, and not inclusive of you, and the fact that I found myself in a much more fragile state of mind than I thought I would be in. I had received so much pressure from varying people in the days coming up to my birth that I feel that I caved.

I harbor certain resentments towards myself because I feel that I should have done better, I feel that I should have been able to express my wishes more clearly, and been more in control of the situation.
That said I am also deeply disappointed in certain aspects of the care that I received from you. When you arrived you expressed that you were exhausted and that you were coming down with a cold. You referred to me as a “job” 3-4 times that night, and again 3-4 times in the morning, and although I understand that Midwifery is something that you do for a living, I deeply feel that it is more than a job, it is a privilege.
Also, I don’t know if there was any medical indication for this (as Sunita always assured me that Maeve’s heartbeat was just fine) but I feel that I was pressured to hurry up.

I was under the impression that, although my labor was taking it’s time, I was not in a situation where is could be deemed medically necessary to break my water. Michael and my Mother refused for me the first time, but your offering made me feel that something was potentially wrong, and that it needed to be done. I also felt that you were expressing a desire to “do” something. Again, I don’t know if there are factors that I was unaware of, but I don’t feel that it was medically necessary to give me Homeopathics to make my labor faster. When I took them the first time they made my contractions extremely painful, and I felt that you were offended when I refused to take them again.
I am also deeply disappointed that you did not offer me the option of the tub when I was clearly having extremely painful back labor. Again, if there was a medical reason for doing this, I am not aware of it. When I did hit the tub I felt so much better that labor felt like a different experience.
I feel that you prefer to use a birth stool, as you pressured me to get back on it after it was clearly causing me terrible pain. I feel that you were offended when I refused to come out of the tub, even going so far as to ask Michael and my Mother to lift me out. I am sure there was no medical indication that a water birth was unfavorable at this point, as it obviously went quite well.

The absolutely heartbreaking thing is that you would not take your hand out of my cervix when I asked you to, and I asked you several times. I even asked you nicely, saying please. I understand that you were stretching out a cervical lip during my contractions, but when I told you that it hurt (several times) and you insisted on continuing, you violated the sensitive physical and emotional state of a laboring Mother. You only removed our hand when my mother told you that you had to, and you gave her a dirty look at that.
In the morning, after Maeve was born, most of your conversation centered around needing Coffee (not our Coffee, but Espresso, because you clearly wanted to leave), and before leaving you remarked that you should have come in the morning, because then you could have slept at home. This comment left me feeling that I had inconvenienced you and that you were disappointed in me, and you wished you hadn’t come at all. When I was trying to be with the baby and you insisted that I listen to you talk about the papers you wanted to leave with me, I felt confused. I told you that I knew I wasn’t going to retain anything, and you should tell someone else, or leave the papers on the counter. As I stated, I did not retain any of the information, but Michael had to refer to the paperwork later.
I would like you to know that I do not consider the care I received from you in keeping with the Midwifery mode of care that was offered to me. I felt often during my prenatals that you were stressed and overworked. I feel that your “off” day became my “off” birth experience. I feel that you did not express what you expected, or desired from me, and that I let you down. I feel that we all wanted my birth to be so much more.

I hope this letter finds you in a good place in your life. I think maybe my pregnancy coincided with some stress for you, and we were all affected by it. I know that you did not harm me intentionally, but you did in fact harm me, and all these months later, I am still processing it.
Take Care,
Crystal Crawford