How to handle 5.5 yo making threats

[velochic]

This has happened only a couple of times, but I feel weird about how I handled it.

Dd has made the threat to "pack a bag and leave" a couple of times recently. Dh and I have a really solid, very loving, and respectful relationship. We *never* fight (I really mean this) and when we have a disagreement, we barely even raise our voices. We don't threaten to leave each other and never even give the suggestion. I can only imagine that she has learned this elsewhere, because she's never even gotten a hint of "packing a bag and leaving" from us.

So last night when she said it, I said, "OK... you can use the little suitcase grandma bought you. Let's go and I'll help you pack." Of course, she instantly took it back. I got up and started walking toward her bedroom saying, "Oh, no, if you're not happy here you don't have to stay. Let's get you ready and you can go somewhere they don't have rules." (I was trying to get her to bed... she is awful about going to sleep at night, then complains to high heaven in the morning when she has to get up for school.) She balked at "leaving", so I sat down and talked to her about making empty threats. I told her that everywhere there are rules to follow, that wanting to leave hurt my feelings and that I wasn't going to allow her to manipulate me with threats. I reminded her that she is miserable in the mornings when she has to get up for school and that I wanted her to get to bed because I love her and want her to be well-rested in the morning.

She kind of just clammed up, rolled over (she still co-sleeps) and went to sleep without saying much more to me.

I don't know if I handled it very well, so if anyone here has suggestions of other ways to go about dealing with this subtle manipulation she has managed to figure out, I'd appreciate it. (And it is manipulating me... she said that she thought if she threatened to leave, I'd let her stay up later. )

[Hannahsmummy]

Hmmm, I must be a crap mum because I am not seeing where you went wrong and I would have handled it in exactly the same way.

In fact I just recently had a similar situation with my 4 year old who is convinced that since she's in kinde now she's too old to have any rules, LOL!

So, for what it's worth, I think you did fine.

[CarrieMF]

That's the BEST way to handle it. When my now 8yo did that I did the same thing. I'd ask her what bag she wanted her clothes & stuff in, where she was going to stay, what kind of a job she was going to get so she could buy her own food, etc. The 1 time she wrote on her wall(in chalk) "I don't want to live here anymore". After I stopped laughing(away from her of course), I told her great, we don't want to live in this house either but we have to becuase we don't have any other place to live.

It's control, not manipulation that they're doing. They want more independance but don't know how to really ask for it becuase they don't really know what they want to be more independant about they just want it.lol

After the "I'm moving out" phase came the "You don't like me/I don't love you" phase. Which we responded with yes we do & too bad becuase we'll always love you.

Both of those phases lasted less than a year combined. they were usually over cleaning her room, especially if she was tired or hungry.

The last time was hillarious though. We had steak or pork chop, dh gave her some cut up meat but she threw one of her fits becaue she wanted 13 pieces of meat. She had 5. We tried telling her if she ate what she had she could get more but nope she wanted 13 before she'd eat. So we told her if she was going to act like that she could sit in her room until she was ready to come out. she did some banging of something in her room & then screamed out "nothing ever goes right for this family". It was funny, we started laughing. Dh did cut her 5 pieces of meat into 13 pieces, she came out & ate them even after we told her she had the exact same amount of meat she had before. We never had another problem after that.

[mamazee]

There's a book called The Runaway Bunny that is about a bunny who wants to run away, and his mom says she'll be with him no matter what he becomes. Like he says he'll go away on a sailboat, and she says that if he does, she'll become the wind. That book might make your dc feel better. My daughter loves that story.

When my daughter says she wants to run away I tell her if she did run away I'd miss her very much. That seems to be what she wants to hear and is always the end of it.

[velochic]

It's good to hear that others have handled it the same way with good results.

I don't think she understands "run away" yet. Mostly she is saying she wants to live with parents that will let her do what she wants. She is the kind of child that definitely needs structure and boundaries.

Thanks again!

[Maggieinnh]

Originally Posted by mamazee

When my daughter says she wants to run away I tell her if she did run away I'd miss her very much. That seems to be what she wants to hear and is always the end of it.

I think that this is personally the best way to deal with it at that age, they need to know that they will be missed.
Children at this age DO NOT manipulate, even if we as adults think that it is manipulation, but like CarrieMF said they want more independence but do not know the way of how to go about it!
Manipulation is an adult characteristic, which they have not developed yet at this age,...now a 8 or 9 year old doing the same thing that might be a different story.