Polar Opposites

[olliepop]

I've been spending time with another mom b/c our children really like each other. The more time we spend together and the more we talk, the more I realize that we are total opposites.

Some examples:

I bring my own mesh bags when I go shopping. First of all, she is mortified by me doing this. It embarrasses her! Also, when she buys things for her two daughters from the same store, she'll ask for two bags so they can each have one and won't fight. :

My dd didn't watch tv until she was 2 and even now (at 4) she's allowed to watch two 30 minute shows a day and can choose from Clifford, Curious George, Super Why, Dora, or Blue's Clues. Her dds have been watching tv since birth and although they are 4 and 5, they are allowed to watch tv all day long, any kind of programming, their favorite movie right now, High School Musical.

My dd didn't have her first piece of candy until she was 3 and even now, we limit sweets. Her dds eat about 4-5 Fruit Roll Ups a day and tons of candy.
When we're out, I'll take water for my dd and her girls get Hi-C fruit punch juice boxes. (FYI, I have let my dd have the occasional fruit roll up with her friends.)

My dd sometimes asks why her girls get to do stuff she can't do, like wear polish and eat tons of candy, etc. and I tell her that different families have different rules. So far she's been accepting of those types of explanations and I don't really have a problem w/ my dd being influenced by what she sees b/c we explain why it's not for us.

They have no bedtime -- they play until 9 then get pjs on and then fall asleep to a Disney movie every night. Yet, she makes fun of me for having my dd in bed by 7:15. She's constantly saying that my dd is deprived from not doing her nails, having an early bedtime, not eating a lot of candy, never tasting soda. I say that she has the rest of her life to do those things and if and when my dh and I think these things are age appropriate, we'll discuss it and make a decision for our family.

I don't agree w/most of the things she does w/her dds, but I would never and have never made snide remarks about it.

How do I handle this? Grin and bear it or keep saying, "Hey, it works for us," which is what I've been doing.

I guess this was more or less just a vent, but if anyone has advice, I'd love to hear it.

[Linda on the move]

two thoughts....

first, we are all different and it would be silly to limit our friends to people who are exactly like us.

second, respect is the corner stone of friendship. Although you guys do things differently, without the underlining belief that there is more than 1 way to do things and kids can turn out fine raised in very different ways, the friendship isn't going to work.

I think the problem with you guys rolls both ways. Although you don't say anything snide to her, you believe that she is doing things wrong.

While I believe that until she is ready to be respectful about the way you prefer for your family to operate she isn't capable of being a friend to you, I also believe that until you think that her parenting style is perfectly reasonably and acceptable way for her to raise her family, you aren't ready to be her friend.

My spiritual path teaches that when someone in my life does something that annoys me, I need to look at myself and see where I do that same thing, and as I release the pattern in my own head, then I will not longer be presented with examples of it.

May be instead of thinking about the that fact that you don't *agree" with what she is doing, you could remind yourself that it *works for them.*

[pinecone]

It sounds like you have taken a very laid back approach to dealing with this mom, in order not to offend her choices. However, if she is inquisitive then I'd really explain why you do these things. Perhaps she hasn't really thought about it and is just repeating what she was exposed to as a child herself. It might be a great opportunity for her to learn. Of course, if she doesn't ask then it is just as easy to keep to yourself.

[olliepop]

The thing is I don't want to come off too preachy or make her feel bad about her choices, but she doesn't think twice about making fun of mine.

I tell her why we make the choices we do, but she thinks I'm more or less crazy or too worried about too many things. For example, I explained why we bring our own bags and that try not to use plastic, but she just shrugs and says she doesn't really care "that much" about the environment.

I think we can be friends, but I find myself defending or explaining more than I'd like to.