failure to bond

[Squrrl]

This isn't strictly PPD, or at least I'm fairly sure it isn't (I've been medicated for depression twice before, and it didn't feel like this), but it certainly isn't happy, so I figured I'd be best off posting here--

I really don't feel like I'm bonding properly with my month-old daughter. When she was first born, she was just this sort of strange intruder in my life and I really didn't feel much that I'd call love towards her. A couple of weeks ago I started feeling a good deal more affectionate towards her and I was so relieved, but I start to think that that was just because things were going fairly well and my mother was up to help us and my husband was still home, so things were relatively low-stress. Now that she's being fussier (she won't sleep) and I'm alone and exhausted, I'm really feeling that "love" slip through my fingers.

I feel terrified because I understand the importance of early bonding, and betrayed and frustrated and generally miserable. I had an unmedicated home birth, I've wanted this baby for years, I was already a stay-at-home so it's not that I resent the isolation (heck, I don't like people anyway). I thought everything was perfect, and I don't know what I could have done differently. And yet when she was born, I was the last person present to even see her...I was leaning forward, she was propped on my back, and I didn't have the energy or care enough to turn around.

What it boils down to is that we all know this is one of the harder jobs in the world, and without enough love, it's not rewarding, it's just crappy. Sure, she cries slightly less when I hold her than when her papa holds her (which I wish she didn't anyway), but the thing that soothes her most of all is being swung back and forth in her moses basket with no one touching her at all. When she's crying and I hold her she just thrashes and keeps crying. And because I don't feel particularly protected or possessive or whatever magical feeling I'm supposed to be feeling, when she's crying I just can't stand it and I get very angry with her. She's a perfectly normal baby, I just don't think I love her the way I'm supposed to, and frankly I'm not convinced that she's particularly fussed one way or the other about me, either.

I do miss her when someone has her somewhere else, and I do "love" her when she's sleeping, but love that you only feel when they're not being a bother isn't love.

I'm miserable and I'm desperate. I don't even know why I'm posting this, only that I had to share. If you've felt like this, and gotten through it, I'd love to know. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

[Squrrl]

Oh, and the birth wasn't what I hoped it would be (just a solid chunk of pain, pretty much) but it did go smoothly, it was fairly quick, I'm entirely satisfied with my midwife and all my attendants, and she nursed within an hour afterwards. She's beautiful, and looks very much like I did as a baby. My husband caught her, and he loved her completely and immediately. We cosleep, we breastfeed, we EC, and everything quantifiable is going quite well, actually. She's not colicky, either.

I mention all this because, well, I feel like I really have no excuse. No birth trauma, no early separation, no feelings of isolation, and as far as I can tell no PPD (I have a healthy apetite and a good outlook when I get enough sleep, I'm still interested in life, etc.) So I'm constantly asking myself WHY. Why do I look at my daughter and feel she's a stranger? Why does it sound strange and wrong to even call her my daughter? Why do I have so little patience for her that I just want to chuck her across the room when she won't stop crying? (I won't, mind you--I don't feel I'm in any danger of hurting her, but I wish I never thought it, too). Why do I just feel like this was a huge mistake, despite being all I ever really wanted out of life, and I just wish I could snuggle with my wonderful husband and can tomatoes and sleep and eat when I want to?

[jbodily]

Response

It sounds like you are having frustrations with the adjustment to motherhood. Not all mothers bond instantly with their babies. It seems in my experience that many of the mothers who tried very hard to get pregnant seem to have some amount of letdown after the birth.

I do not know you nor do I know much about your background in your post. Babies come with temperments; most experts agree that the better the temperment match between mother and child the better bonding goes. When the child is "difficult" "fussy" "colicky" it makes it more difficult. This can be exacerbated by a lack of sleep, recovery from childbirth, and a change in hormonal levels. Due to your previous history of depression, you are definately at risk for pp depression but it also sounds like anxiety could be playing a role here (you say it feels different than before so I wonder if you could be experiencing greater levels of anxiety at this time). And mood disorders are always exacerbated when the mother is unable to get proper levels of sleep.

My suggestion is this: Hire a postpartum doula to help you for a few days. She can provide information on soothing your baby, allow you to get some sleep, and provide help with nutritous meals and snacks (really necessary for recovery). I would also strongly consider taking a Happiest Baby on the Block class if it is offered in your area; if not, I would purchase the DVD or borrow it from the library. I suggest the class just because it will allow to be with other mothers and realize your frustrations are not abnormal. I think hiring the doula for one overnight stay could be very beneficial for allowing you to get a good night's rest.

If you are on medication, you may want to call your doctor/mental health professional and have your bloodwork checked to make sure your medications are at the proper levels. So many of the medications need to be changed after birth due to the drop in blood volume, fluid loss, and hormonal changes. Sometimes it takes a bit of postpartum experimenting to get the medications back in balance.

Don't give up and don't define yourself by these feelings. With professional help and time I think you will find things getting better. You are not crazy!!!
Another resource in your area might be a Mother-to-Mother group sponsored through Postpartum Support International (PSI). Many of these groups provide free telephone support and groups from mothers who have suffered from postpartum mood disorders. I am wishing you all the best!!!

Jamie

[Shahbazin]

Originally Posted by Squrrl

...I really don't feel like I'm bonding properly with my month-old daughter. ... If you've felt like this, and gotten through it, I'd love to know. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

I think that mammas & babies are meant to be surrounded by extended families, so that there is a lot of support, encouragement & assistance for moms. Doing the newborn stage all by yourself is really, really hard. I feel very protective of my babies at 1st, but a lot of times I have the feeling of "OMG, why did I do this?" It's been being particularly hard w/my 2nd (now 9 weeks) because even though the birth went great this time, I seem to have high needs babies I can't set down (& I have to set her down sometimes to see to my toddler's needs), & she's had reflux really bad (non-stop screaming the 1st 8 weeks, until we put her on meds). What helps is knowing now, as a 2nd timer, that babies really do become much more lovable/interesting right around the 12 week mark - they sort of "wake up" & start interacting with you. Up until then, I was just sort of running on hormonal imperatives, but then I started really loving my baby, on purpose, for being herself - if that makes sense? Until then, just networking & talking w/other moms helps.

[SaharaRose]

Originally Posted by Squrrl

Why do I look at my daughter and feel she's a stranger?

Quite frankly, its because she is a stranger. Even adults don't form intimate bonds immediately, and honestly you're talking about an infant whose personality hasn’t even started to show yet. Some moms feel the bond immediately, while it takes others weeks or months. Everything you have described is perfectly normal.

It was a wise woman who said that no person in the universe understands guilt until they became a parent. You are feeling guilt that you don’t have the warm & fuzzy feelings you expected to have. Your guilt is feeding your feelings of separation from your daughter & may even be impeding your progress toward bonding. Let go of your expectations, your guilt, & your preconceived notions of what you are supposed to be & feel. When the rush of love hits you, you won’t even remember that it took a little while to get to know her.

[astrophe27]

Quite frankly, its because she is a stranger. Even adults don't form intimate bonds immediately, and honestly you're talking about an infant whose personality hasn’t even started to show yet. Some moms feel the bond immediately, while it takes others weeks or months. Everything you have described is perfectly normal.

I agree completely!

I felt the same way and didn't bond with my baby til she became a littler more responsive/interactive.

In pregnancy -- she was making me nauseated and busy beating me up from the insides. No reason to love here there!

As a newborn, she was a blank slate. No expressions other than "My needs are being met... I am not crying" and "My needs are not being met... I am crying." modes. I could be just anyone meeting her needs or not meeting her needs -- or so it felt. And the needs came every hour on the hour. I couldn't get a break! No reason to love her there, even though this is what newborns are SUPPOSED to do.

It takes a while to get acquainted because when you first meet -- you are strangers, and on top of that... it is this stranger who has been causing you to lose sleep, be "on call" round the clock, etc. Like some kind of of persnickety houseguest!

Maybe somewhere between 6-8 weeks, she started to recognize me as unique. Or at least... different than that Dad guy running around. A while after that she started to reach out to me/sorta smile, coo or warble -- SOMETHING. The routine became routine and settled down over time too.

Then I started liking her a lot more and eventually love bloomed.

Give it time. Nobody expects you to love instantly.

hugs,
A.

[Squrrl]

Thank you ladies so much...everything you said helped a lot. It's just a huge relief to hear that this isn't so strange after all...I mean, logically I knew that there wasn't a whole lot of practical reason to be thrilled about life right now, but you know how no one ever talks about it, and when people ask (as they inevitably do) "Sooo, how're you? How's the baby?", you never feel like you can say "Actually, I'm miserable and she's torture" It also helps that my body is adjusting to less sleep, that we're becoming more skillful parents, etc. And that, frankly, from all I can tell, she's a pretty easy baby. And SaharaRose, you're absolutely right that my guilt is getting in the way of progress...even I have suspected that. I just felt so guilty especially for my husband, who loves us both so much and felt so hurt that I wasn't happy like I was "supposed" to be.

Things will get better...at least love is one thing that isn't subject to regressions...I mean, I'm not going to wake up someday when she's six months old and discover that suddenly all that progress we'd been making on bonding seems to be out the window because she's working too hard on crawling or something...hehe...silly, but it's a nice thought. Again, thank you all so much for being there and supportive and sensible.

[Kindermama]

hey mama,
you don't have to feel this way....I can try to help with homeopathy. PM me if you want to talk.

[timneh_mom]

Mama!! Give yourself some time! When DS was born, it felt like someone had just blasted my heart wide open. It was VERY intense, crazy love for him almost right away. It was similar to when you realize you've fallen in love with an adult, but WAY different, but the intensity was similar. BUT, DS is a VERY intense person!! I didn't realize that at the time, but as he's gotten older, I can see that he is.

With DD, I did not (and still do not) have those intense feelings. I do love her with all my heart, but it was more of a gradual, growing on you kind of love. It was hard in the beginning because she cried a lot (from 1-4 am) for the first month, and I was almost psycho with sleep deprivation, then in the spring I got strep throat twice and mono, I knew it was because I was being kept up all the time. She seemed like she didn't want to be here, or be with me (crazy, isn't it?), so I think it was a little harder. I think it IS harder when your baby isn't just content to be here! But nobody talks about that.

DD is WAY less of an intense person than DS. I love her dearly, she is 7 months old now and I think she and I have kind of found our ways with each other. It took some time, it didn't help that I was sick for so long and she still isn't a great sleeper but I'm trying to roll with it.

In any case, what I wanted to say through this big rambling post is to give it some time. It's OK if you don't fall crazy in love with your baby right now. It will come. It's such a marathon in the beginning and you're really in survival mode, but one day you'll realize that it got easier, you'll get some smiles, and those feet will start kicking because she's happy to see you, and it will get better. Don't be afraid. It will come!