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Help me deal with my emotions on this i feel like a bad mommy

post #1 of 31
Thread Starter 
As of today i feel like my whole life has changed and everything because i had a baby...I hate myself for thinking this way and I keep telling my self how bad a mom i am...I was accepted into law school this term and was actually so very proud of myself...I was looking foward to not being just a mom for a few hours a week you know...I wanted to keep on striving towards my goal to give my child bigger and better things than i can right now because or money situation is so tight..My husband has recently found a job(not a high paying one but hey $1 is $1) and is currently attending night classes in college to get his BA in civil engineering..i graduated may last year with my BBA is marketing, accounting and a minor in finance...and headed towards law school in august...By then i had found out i was pregnant and decided to stick it out in school and finish the first semester...Well god had another wish for me..My pregnancy was complicated and at 26 weeks i ended up leaving law school to be hospitalized because of possible premature labor...i was then released from the hospital and sentenced to my bed for the rest of the pregnancy...It was horrible, but was what needed to be done if i didnt want my son to be born premature...

All the time in the back of my head after Arian was born i was thinking of going back to law school in this August term..I applyed and got accepted again and found a great DC for my son...Everything was going exvellent i was supposed to start next week and today was supposed to be the day i registered...Well as luck would have it again today at exactly 10:34 am i got a CALL from the DC ppl..they decided to shutt down operations because of lack of personnel...I searched and searched all morning for a DC and nothing..No acceptable day care takes new babies with out having them register(they are like a school) in May plus my son is allergic to disposables and non of the day cares i spoke to will take CDs...I felt so mad seeing my dream go down the drain and felt like a horrible mommy because i dont want to stay and be a SAHM i dont...I respect everyone that is but i dont want to be...And this is not by choice...I am being forced into it and i feel horrible because i feel like im a bad mommy for not wanting to be a SAHM...
Maybe it is all for the best and maybe something is telling me not to leave my sons side...Right now we are facing alot of medical dificulties but the dr said after everything was over everything would be ok and would be back to normal...And now im mad and upset and i feel lost..i dont know how to be a SAHM i cant stand being with my baby 24/7 i need sometype of break...I have no mom to help me out and my father is 83 years old...My husbands mom is hag that is just plain insane and even so works 40 hrs a week...

Im such a horrible mom...i cant take this anymore...im begining to break..this was my dream..i wanted to finish so that we could have a more steady income and that way we could afford to have more babies and our family could grow without me having to worry about our debts.....

I dont know what to do except cry....i feel so lost and mad at myself...but worse of all i feel resentment towards everything including my baby and i just hate feeling like this so i get even madder at myself for it...
post #2 of 31
You sound like a good and loving momma who is struggling.

It is totally okay to want support, to want an intellectual life, to want financial security, to want education and career. We want those things for our children - why not for ourselves?? Those desires do NOT make you a horrible mom!! It is also okay to want the right child care for your child. This is an issue for so many parents - it's not just you...

Breathe - try not to panic. You seem overwhelmed (I have those days!), but you will not be overwhelmed every day. Trust your highest and wisest self to help you sort out your needs and desires. You may find another day care situation that will work out or you will get creative and figure out what else will work.

Blessings to you - I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Kathleen
post #3 of 31
well, I am a SAHM and I love it (mostly!), but I can see how it would not be for everyone. It does NOT make you a bad mum not wanting to stay home. A happy and fulfilled mum makes a happy and fulfilled baby IMO. Things should become clearer- you have just found out about the DC, so I am sure your head is swimming right now.
post #4 of 31
You are understandably disappointed because your plans are falling apart. I don't think you're a bad mommy to feel this way. It will pass. Could you postpone law school until the spring semster? I know you have already postponed it because of the baby but this would buy you some more time to get the daycare issue fixed and maybe you could have a back up plan if this happened again. Maybe another daycare and/or friends to step in temporiarly (sp?). I'm just throwing things out there.

BTW, if the daycare is closing due to personnel issues, I'd be kind of glad my dc wasn't going there after all. I mean, I'd want there to be enough people to take care of my dc properly, kwim?

Also, BTW, your ds is sooo cute! You're a lucky mama.

HTH!
post #5 of 31
I dont think you are a bad mom at all. at all! I would be disappointed and devastated too. wanting more is not bad....not wanting to be a sahm is not bad. staying at home isnt for everyone, and staying home does not make you a good mom. it just doesnt. so let all that stuff go.

I would continue to look for a daycare for your baby. dont give up. use your computer to search for licensed daycare providers in you area. I am sure there are DC that dont have to be registered by May. what about home daycare providers, sometimes those mom's are a bit more flexible.

Reading your post, i can tell you i would feel the exact same way. your feelings are valid and true, and dont beat yourself up over it. dont waste time or energy on it.
post #6 of 31
You are a not a bad mom for feelig this way. I am a SAHM by choice, but I think that helps me to understand why its not for everyone.

The fact that you are unwilling to shove your baby into any old daycare just to do what you want to do tells me that you are a good mama who wants what is best for her whole family.

Think of it this way: Most new Dads are able to continue to work at their jobs or pursue their dreams. They feel dissapointed and frustrated when they can't. Society doesn't judge them. So why should you be hard on yourself? It is human nature to have dreams and goals, and just because you are a woman and a mother doesn't mean you should give them up.

I think you can work this out. If not for this sememester, you can certainly work it out before the spring sememester. A couple of months as a SAHM should be manageble, esp. if you have something so fantastic to look foward to.

Have you looked into home based daycares?
post #7 of 31
You are not a bad mom--you have just sacrificed so much, and you don't see the end in sight.

I guess that one thing I can tell you is that your little guy will change and grow so quickly. This time of constant dependance is not the end of the line. One day you will realize that you have some breathing space, and your little one is a big boy.

I hope that something works out for you so that you can still persue your dreams in the mean time. Some kind of childcare or help. It may take you longer to finish school, ect, but you will have grown so much by mothering.

And you are not a bad mother. I think all moms go through this at some point. Its just that nothing prepares us for how overwhelming and all-encompassing motherhood is, and its a shock when other parts of our lives get so drastically crowded out by it. Don't beat yourself up.

dlb
post #8 of 31
Thread Starter 
thank you all so much for your words....i still feel a bit odd about the whole ordeal but im searching high and low for a good home based day care like you suggested...Tommorow i have an interview at 10am with a woman that sounded increadibly nice...But i still worry cause sometimes appearences can be deceiving...i have until tommorow at 3pm to see if i find a good day care for my son..Frankly i dont think that i will leave him...i dont know it makes me unsure to just meet a person..She does come highly recomended and currently takes care of one of my friends 1yr old boy...She told me and i quote:"i would never leave my son to anyone, but to her, i would leave him with my eyes closed"...so i dont have anything to loose....

Any advice on what to ask ??? i have a few questions like for example i do not beleive in the crying method at all....so thats a must not!! Any other things i should watch out for??

edited to say: i can only begin the school year in august....

TIA
post #9 of 31
Yes -- ask about cloth diapering, of course. But also about discipline -- not only the discipline of daycare kids, but her own kids too -- because your child will have to wittness that. I know he seems so little now -- but by the end of one year, it will begin to be an issue. And if he gets attached to her, you won't want to have to switch over a major disagreement in discipline philosophy.

I would also ask about what she feeds them -- again, it doesn't matter right now -- but eventually it will.

And how much she holds babies, and is she willing to hold your baby while taking care of the other children. And how many other children will there be?

And of course, you'll want to look over a contract, and make sure you understand about what will happen if she is sick, or if your child is sick, and when she takes a vacation, etc..
post #10 of 31
Linda:

You are not a bad mom, for feeling this way. I think a mom who resents being a SAHM is not doing what's best for their child if they stay at home. KWIM?

Good luck with the interview tomorrow. Hopefully you'll get some great help here!
post #11 of 31
You're definitely not a bad mom. You are a normal mom! I am a SAHM part-time (I work 24 hours a week) and some days, I wish I worked 60 hours a week so I'm not running around saying "do you need to go potty? where are your shoes? No, we're not having yogurt right now. Leave your brother alone. Leave your sister alone...." etc ad nauseum. to you. Much luck, too!
post #12 of 31
Thread Starter 
i will let you all know what i think...i hope i like it!!! but now the thought of leaving my child with a total stranger is killing me....
post #13 of 31
I know how hard it is to leave your baby with another person! But this lady seems highly recommended (especially from your friend). Hope the interview goes well! Good luck
post #14 of 31
I feel like on many levels we are dealing with similar issues.

Mainly, the changes that being a mother invokes, the loss of self it demands.

I resent this too. Not always but often.

I just posted a thread about college -- how long did it take you to graduate -- about my dreams that are being postponed, shifted, remade, OVERHAULED! And my confusion about this. My sadness about this.

I don't necessarily like being a SAHM...there are many aspects of outside work that I miss...I just can't imagine how I would handle everything right now if I did work and go to school, too!

I am not one to believe a mom MUST stay home to have a happy child. (It's harder for me to say that about a baby, though.)

My mom worked. She absolutely had to. And I never resented her for it or thought she was a bad mom. I was always taken care of and she was always still "mom."

I understand that your situation with law school is different...you have to go now (or is it never?) CAN it be postponed if necessary? I mean, if for some reason the daycare does not work out this time around. You seem under incredible time pressure to make a decision.

You are not a bad mother!!!! It is just the nature of mothering. The task is huge and demands much. It is a spiritual journey to be sure!

I hope all goes well!
post #15 of 31
Thread Starter 
I have decided to postpone school and take care of my baby....today the interview first of all went horribly i have no idea how my friend leaves her child there...its hot and small and the lady looks like she has a dual attitude...She looks capable of even givng the babe a smack if he doesnt behave...I didnt like it one bit..I decided to stay home and take care of Arian because we went to his doctors appointment and the dr told us that Arian was on the borderline of an allergic reaction shock...His levels are supposed to be in 8.0 and they are right now in 155.0 which is horribly high..He said 20 more points and Arian could be dead....So im hanging clear now...Keeping my baby safe in my arms and hoping that this allergy that has been causing all these problems can be found...He has already taken milk away from him(i breastfed partime because i had a breastreduction that completly damaged my milk ducks) so formula is out..he has even reacted negatively to Hypoallergenic formulas....

I will learn to cope as a SAHM in the meanwhile i am going to take up sewing clases and also dig a little more into my real estate investments and plans to actually make me a WAHM...Which i think will be great....

Thank you for all your support in this matter...Even though i am a little at peace im still a bit in shock of the drs news today....
post #16 of 31
sounds like baby needs you right now.

You would not be able to consintrate at school with your worries over his health.

Breath.......................it will come.

ps I know how hard baby allergies are; my youngest nephew has some really bad ones; he is BF and his mom is working with allgeist to find the problem. So far cut out peanuts is the only thing that has helped but the problems isn't over. So I kinda uinderstand that aspect. It is hard; you will feel a lot better having him yourself rather than leaving him withsomeone else and worrying.

Aimee
post #17 of 31
Thread Starter 
last night i had to epi pen my baby...im so scared i just dont know wht to do with all these allergies....
post #18 of 31
liya...

You (and your son) will be in my thoughts and prayers!
post #19 of 31
{{{{liya}}}}
Please take care of yourself and your babe!

Moving this to Life with a Babe forum now
post #20 of 31
It must have been sooo hard to epi-pen your son. My heart goes out to you. You are a great mommy. I can really tell you care about your son. I'm sure he'll be happy that you stayed at home with him.

You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
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