would this worry you? 5 yo and negative thoughts

[**guest**]

DD said something really sad last night. she hardly ever shares about her emotions, she is very reseved (though not about expressing them ). we were talking about being grateful--and i listed what i was grateful for. she said she wasn't grateful for anything that day... i told her that people are happier when they find good things to think about...she said she didn't get it.

then she said that when she hurts someone, she needs to tell herself a story so that she doesn't feel too bad. i asked, what kind of story...she said she lists things that make her feel better--she gave examples of other negative things: like when she spilled milk, when she hurt her finger, when i was mad at her. (my heart is just breaking). and then she said: you know what was the worst thing ever, in the whole world, that happened to me? it was when the car drove over your foot (2 years 8 months ago, when she was 2.5 when she witnessed that). then she asked me to tell her exactly what happened to me afterwards--like what was in the ambulance, what happened in the hospital, in the surgery, etc.... (we have talked about it many many times, in different forms before; she often brings it up spontaneously)

i worry about her so much....i don't think that the accident made her this way, she's always been a very pessimistic baby -- very serious; rarely laughed.

some of the time, she is wonderful--helpful, understanding, loving, empathetic. some other times she is very challenging emotionally--quite a "drama queen", focuses on the negatives, dwells on her negative emotions for hours;

but this is so scary, that she lists negative things to make herself feel better when she hu rts someone? i asked her why she needed to make herself feel better, and she said because she was ashamed...

[PreggieUBA2C]

It would worry me, but I would also take the child's temperament into great consideration, as you have.

Ds1 is very melancholic by nature and we talk about a lot of things that would probably make other people cringe. He is deeply interested in slavery, for example, and his questions typically focus on why a human being would choose to hurt another, enslave another, and why when people have done this, have they whipped, beaten, etc... the slaves, and why do they force them to work? Then, because he's had a keen interest in knives since he was an infant, he's learned about other types of weapons (whips mostly- he is an encyclopediavore) and tries to role-play slavery with his brothers (until I intervene and the discussion ensues). This is just one example of so many I couldn't list them. He was obsessed with death when he was 18 months old- not frightened or excited, just interested, but of course any discussion about death is going to turn up certain things that are not so pleasant (we won't see each other for a while). He's no longer asking death questions all day long, but death is still interesting to him.

I do think that his interest and focus on what others might think is negative is more aptly viewed as his capacity for empathy, whic it seems is also the trait being expressed by your daughter. Of course it's worrisome that they take so much into themselves; they'll experience greater and probably deeper pain than most people will, but I can't think of how or even why I would want that to change. Empathy is so powerful in life. Another mama wrote in another thread that these seemingly 'negative-focussed' children are the people who are equipped to care for others in a specail way that the majority cannot. They'll be healers, recsuers, counselors, forensicists, intense and deeply bonding friends, siblings, parents, etc...

So, yes I would worry, but not about the child's inclinations, but about how I can help him/her learn to cope with a view of the world that focusses in a few layers deeper than the majority are able to see.

[**guest**]

thanks for the positive spin. she does feel things deeply, which leads to emotional extremes, and she is very empathetic and perceptive. on the other hand, she seems unable to put emotions and emotional experiences into words and talk about them.

what worries me most that she has the need to list negative things that happened to her, in order to make herself feel better and deal with feelings of shame... i think i need to start actively modeling alternatives--like verbalising how i react to things when i feel ashamed, or hurt...

[sakura3]

My dd is very much like yours and, yeah, I do worry about her. She's 3.75 and has been like this forever. We actually consulted with a therapist which was somewhat helpful.

She is intense, sensitive and gets focused/"stuck" on new ideas while mastering them. In particular, she's really into what's right and wrong and why. So for example, understanding why littering is not OK meant a full week of intensely processing her embarassment from a littering incident two months prior (of which I was not aware). She is really hard on herself.

I'm trying to be proactive when this happens and see it as a concept she's working through. I'm *attempting* to give her the tools she needs to move past it but... it is so hard to know what to do sometimes!

Also, since she also holds herself to an impossible standard, we try to be "light" with her, and encourage her to let go a little. Thankfully, our younger dd is a wildchild and therefore a great example.

I wish I could give you more concrete advice... I can only say that Dh and I have come to feel that this is actually a wonderful trait but hard to handle at such a young age and, like the PP said, the best we can do is teach her how to navigate it.

Lastly, thanks for starting this thread. I'm always looking for others with kids like mine... I can use all the help I can get!

Sakura

dd 12.03
dd 8.05

[Kimmiepie]

We have this same problem.

Ds has always been very down/hard on himself. Not so much about hurting other people, but about what he can't do. He's convinced he can't do "anything." We had him in soccer...he whined the whole time, saying he couldn't do it like the other kids, he would sit out in the middle of the game, not get excited when they won because he didn't make a goal. Same thing with any school work...if he doesn't know how to say it or whatever he whines and cries and says he doesn't know anything and his brain doesn't work etc. It's like this with almost everything. He's a very happy boy in general, but when it comes to trying anything that's not easy for him he assumes he's terrible at it and only makes negative comments and pouts.

This has me and dh concerned. We do all the postitive reinforcement (or whatever it is) and try to make sure he knows how loved he is, how nothing has to be perfect, that he doesn't have to be good at everything, that some things take time etc. he just doesn't get it, or won't come to terms with it.

We're not really sure what to do about it. It really bothers me though.

I'll be interested to see some other people's comments to your post to see where I might need to go with this.

I'm sorry you're having trouble with something similar. No one wants their child to feel that way.

[**guest**]

thank you for replies. i have a question for mamas who identified their children as somewhat similar to DD. how is their sleep?

DD was a "poor" sleeper since birth--she nursed every 1-2 hours, which was normal for her, and i know it is normal for many bf babies, but some do sleep for longer intervals (like her brother). when she was 24 months and i was pregnant i gently nighweaned her, as neither of us were getting any sleep. after that she slept for longer stretches for a bit.

she started having nightmares / nighterrors when DS was about 5 months old--so yes, after the accident.

at first we thought they were nigh terrors, as she didn't seem responsive, but now i'm pretty sure they are night mares. sometimes she would talk during them, but it is always something very innocent--like she wnats more leggo, or she doesn't want an apple.

but she'd have several weeks of nightly screaming, tossing, turning, whining...in short bursts, a bit of quiet, and then again. this lasts for about 30min-1h, and then she sleeps through the night.

[sakura3]

Hi again,

Well, dd's sleep is OK. She actually seems to need much more sleep than other kids her age. It has always puzzled me. At 3.75, she still regularly needs a nap in the PM and sleeps a long night, too. So not the same as you dd in that regard and probably not too helpful. Sorry!

sakura

[Kimmiepie]

My ds's sleep was/is much the same as sakura's dd. Even as a baby, he woke less often, took more naps..and still sleeps a much longer night than my dd or even my little ds.

Your dd sounds more like my dd used to be....hardly slept at all, had night terrors, and eventually that went away but she talked in her sleep and wet the bed often. Her sleep has finally (at almost 7) become "normal." Not sure what the problem was but we did get through it.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

[**guest**]

thanks, sakura and kimmiepie.

dh talks in his sleep, rarely, though. but maybe it is related. she never wet the bed, though--since she potty-learned at 2.

[**guest**]

repeat

[**guest**]

repeat.

[cortsmommy]

Originally Posted by annabanana

thank you for replies. i have a question for mamas who identified their children as somewhat similar to DD. how is their sleep?

DD was a "poor" sleeper since birth--she nursed every 1-2 hours, which was normal for her, and i know it is normal for many bf babies, but some do sleep for longer intervals (like her brother). when she was 24 months and i was pregnant i gently nighweaned her, as neither of us were getting any sleep. after that she slept for longer stretches for a bit.

she started having nightmares / nighterrors when DS was about 5 months old--so yes, after the accident.

at first we thought they were nigh terrors, as she didn't seem responsive, but now i'm pretty sure they are night mares. sometimes she would talk during them, but it is always something very innocent--like she wnats more leggo, or she doesn't want an apple.

but she'd have several weeks of nightly screaming, tossing, turning, whining...in short bursts, a bit of quiet, and then again. this lasts for about 30min-1h, and then she sleeps through the night.

Your description of sleep describes my son very well. I just posted a big long post about my son too that I see now pertains somewhat to yours because it relates to negativity in temperament.

[sphinxie]

Originally Posted by annabanana

then she said that when she hurts someone, she needs to tell herself a story so that she doesn't feel too bad. i asked, what kind of story...she said she lists things that make her feel better--she gave examples of other negative things: like when she spilled milk, when she hurt her finger, when i was mad at her. (my heart is just breaking).

It sounds to me like the stories she tells herself may be about self-punishing as a response to the way she feels after hurting someone. While it's surprising to see this come up spontaneously when she's so young, a lot of people tend towards this, I think. And yet it seems like it comes from a basically empathic impulse. Maybe you could guide her to replacing the self-punishing stories with self-affirming stories, times when she saw someone feel better, times when she or someone else gained a skill or learned from their mistakes, times when she felt loving and caring towards someone/something? Not with the idea of "you should do this" but in the sense of affirming optimism.

It does sound like the accident was traumatizing though, even if she was somber before it happened. Hm, I know cranio sacral therapy is helpful for birth trauma and physical trauma, maybe it could be helpful for something like this as well?

And it's interesting how in the accident you were hurt and she observed it, and she seems now to have a strong reaction to seeing other people hurt.