Shy Kid-what To Do?

[mosaicmama]

My daughter has been in preschool at the same school going on two years. She still will not talk to her teachers. She is verysocial and actually the Alpha in a comfortable environment, with her close friends. At school she just wanders around and won't talk to anyone. Does anyone have any good books on raising these slow to warm kids? I love her school and her teachers, but I feel it may be too chaotic and unstructured for her. She does much better in more controlled environments. SHe won't answer questions, therefore they don't even know how smart she is. I fear that she will never feel comfortable to enough to share and that we may have to homeschool her or the teachers may never be able to access what she knows. How do you encourage these kids to participate and talk, with out making them feel that there is something wrong with them? I want her to know that we accept her and that it is ok to be who she is and not talk if she chooses not to. But, she does not seem happy when she feels this way, so I want to help her feel confident and safe enough to be who she is with us and her other friends. Anyone been here before?

[LynnS6]

I'd start with "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" and possibly "The Highly Sensitive Child".

Our ds is an observer. It's how he learns best. It's how he is most comfortable. I struggle with this tendency because I was always one of the kids at the front of the room with my hand up, eager to give the answer. Ds is not eager to give the answer, even when he knows it.

I like to describe him as "slow to warm up" or "taking his time and watching" rather than 'shy'. "Shy" implies anxious. And he's not always anxious (though he has tendencies in that direction, I'll admit.) But "taking his time and watching" gives HIM a more positive view of himself.

Our son is in first grade. He spent his preschool (3x a week) and kindergarten in a lovely place that was Emilio Reggio inspired, and was very free flow. In K, he didn't speak up much in class. He never brought anything for sharing. I nearly danced a jig the day his teacher called me and told me he'd lost a privilege because he'd been talking during rest time. But toward the end of the year, he warmed up a bit more and would sometimes share. On the other hand, I think he's said all of 2 things the 4 years he's been in Sunday School!

I haven't heard much yet about how he participates in 1st grade. I suspect not much. His teacher has told me that he's "smart" and that he's always "on task". It's MUCH more structured than his previous school, and there's a lot more times when they're checking in with him. So, he has 'homework' to do, and they have reading and math that they do in class. They break the kids into smaller groups for that, so he must be getting more one-on-one attention. And the fact that he's on task and is demonstrating the answers shows his teacher that he understands, even if he doesn't SAY anything.

But, as he's gotten older, he's also become more comfortable talking in strange situations. When he was 4, when sales clerks said "hi" or asked "how are you", they'd get a stony stare in return. Just in the last 6 months or so, he's been able to say "fine". I tried very hard not to push him. I would ask "can you say hi or wave?" when we met people we knew, but if he didn't do it, I would let it drop. I modeled a lot, he heard a lot, and gave him non-verbal options for responding, since the verbal ones are so important.

I would look at your daughter's current preschool, though. The fact that she's not at all talking to the teachers would bother me, and suggests that it might not be the right place for her. Our son never talked MUCH to the teachers, but he would talk to them. He would ask them for help, he would answer when addressed one-on-one. It might also not be the environment for her to feel socially comfortable. I was always reassured because our son did talk to his friends a lot. He didn't form any real friendships until he was 4, but he has a very close friend that he was with for all of his daycare and kindergarten experience (so 4 whole years).

[lindberg99]

She sounds like one of my DD's friends. This little girl had selective mutism and stopped talking at her daycare at about 3. She would come over to our house and chatter away to DD and my DS but wouldn't say a word to me.

She finally started whispering at school in 3rd grade (age 8) and moved on to giving reports in front of the class, etc. She's in 4th grade this year and you would never believe she used to be selectively mute unless you knew it. As far as I know, all her parents did was ask the teachers not to draw attention to her lack of speaking. She doesn't like to be the center of attention and they think that is why she quit speaking at school, etc.

I'm not sure how you encourage her to talk. Maybe you don't and just wait for her to decide that it's time.